27 Dec 2010

New Year?

I am not one of those people who needs to wait for New Year's Eve to begin a new leg of my personal journey. In fact, I don't make resolutions or lists of things I want to accomplish or anything akin to that. I find it a waste of my time and to be honest, most people I know that do make resolutions or lists usually fall short and then begin a slow downward spiral of regret that lasts until the nest New Year's Eve. I just don't have time for that.

I know what my goals are and I know what I need to do in order to accomplish them. The fact of the matter is, I have done many of the things that I have set out to do and by doing so I continue to raise the bar on what I hope to achieve in the future. For me, the start of a new year isn't so much about what I want to accomplish in a year's time, it's about where I want to be NOW. The future will come; there is no stopping it. What I want is to be safe and secure in the now. The future will take care of itself.

Having said that, I am surrounded by people who constantly challenge me to be a better person and who continually push me to do more on a personal level. These people are my friends and I love them with every ounce of my being. Without them I would not be half the person I am today and without my beloved brother I would not have had half the courage to recognize it.

Happy New Year.

14 Dec 2010

Another Year Gone

This past weekend was one of the best I have had in a very long time. I had a birthday party and my friends built me a pirate ship out of meat. That's right; out of meat. Sixteen pounds of meat went into this things and WE ATE IT ALL.

I received a number of things that really resonated within me. I am not talking presents, although they were good too. My friends, I realized, actually know me and understand me. I wanted a nice low-key hang-out with booze and meat and that's precisely what I got. They planned the whole thing: I merely opened the door for them. A couple of things really stood out for me though: my brother and his wife came early because they brought my beloved Oscar and Daphne back to me. Since I am now single, there is no reason I can't have them around as I am not allergic. I was able to have a fantastic conversation with them and get the cats settled before everyone else showed up. We usually communicate through email so it was great to be able to actually talk to them. They stayed as long as they could but because of the long drive they left early. It was really great to see them though and my brother and I were able to share a few laughs before they left.

I had an awesome birthday. I am so thankful to have people in my life who understand me and who accept me for who I am. I don't know of too many other people who can boast of such friends. Sixteen pounds of meat built into a pirate ship, done just for me. You just can't ask for better friends than that.



8 Dec 2010

The Thing About Being Single

It isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, there are moments where I feel pangs of loneliness because I am used to having people around me all the time, but I am adjusting. I feel awful admitting that; seems like there should be an adjustment period of x months before I am allowed to say that, but that's how I feel. I come home, make dinner, watch tv or download something ridiculous, and go to bed. I have settled into a routine built for one and it's actually working for me.

I am dealing with with work a lot better now. I guess without the added stress hanging over me I am now free to actually deal with things at work instead of merely enduring them. While I am still not happy in my job, my brain is able to focus more clearly on the tasks I need to complete.

Don't misunderstand my new found stability; I have moments at work where I break down and mourn the loss of what I thought would last forever. I temper those moments with the knowledge that I did the right thing. While it hurt like hell, I understand that life is full of painful moments and that happiness is contained within the spaces between each pain-filled episode.

My birthday is on Saturday and I originally cancelled my party because I did not think I wanted people around for it. I have since changed my mind and have opened my home to a few people for some low-level revelry. My brother is bringing my cats home to me this weekend and will join me for my birthday for the first time in years. While I know there will be moments throughout the night where I am sad, I am anticipating being surrounded by people who love me to get me through it.

Well, that and copious amounts of gin.

1 Dec 2010

An Update of Sorts

My boyfriend and I have parted ways. He has already moved his things out of the apartment we shared and I am trying to move on. I have a lot of wonderful people around who want nothing more than to make things better for me, but I think I need to just be alone for a while. I don't want to be caught up in my pain and I am trying to remember that it will get better, but for now I just want to hermit.

Needless to say, I did not get my novel done in time for NaNoWriMo. I am not disappointed though; I tried my best and unfortunately I just couldn't get it done. That's okay, I am still writing and will continue to do so despite the bits of angst that creep in when it's late and I've been drinking.

I don't really want to harp on recent events. I am not angry, he isn't either, and while it's a shitty situation, we both understand what led us to this point. It isn't a great situation but it's a hell of a lot better than some of my previous break-up's.

Anyway. There is a giant bottle of gin calling my name and I must surrender to its siren song.

25 Nov 2010

It's Your Decision, Really

I understand that people are going to procreate. I get it, that's fine, do what you want. I don't look down on people for making the decision to have children and in return I expect that they will not look down on me because I choose not to have children. I don't expect to be given a seat on the subway because I don't need one. I am neither pregnant nor elderly and can stand all the way to my destination if need be. I will offer my seat to one of the above groups of people if there are none available; however, if there are vacant seats and that person chooses instead to stand over me and glare because they want MY seat, well then they can just go fuck themselves.

Yesterday, I watched a pregnant woman shame an elderly man with a cane because he took the last vacant seat on the subway. How does that work? She looked to be in her 20's and could most certainly stand for the three-stop duration of her trip. The old man could barely walk, but because she is with child she expected him to let her sit down. Fuck that shit. I really wanted to verbally intervene but instead I stepped on her foot. Oops.

Choosing to have children does not give one the right to make the rest of us pay for it. You decide to have a baby? Good for you. Do not expect me to help you wrangle your immense stroller laden with child and your purse and your groceries and all the rest of the shit that you bought because that isn't going to happen. You are responsible for your own shit which includes figuring out how to get that massive stroller on and off the bus. Alone.

Alternatively, I love the women on the subway who strap their babies to them, thus negating the need for a stroller. These women are smart; they teach their children to walk and then MAKE THEM DO SO. They don't play around with toddlers in strollers; that shit does not fly with them. They tell their kids straight up: you want to go somewhere? Walk.

I just re-read this and realized that I sound like a complete a total c-unit. Perfect.

22 Nov 2010

What the Fuck Just Happened

I have had a bit of a shake up recently; something has happened to make me realize a bunch of different things. They are all variations of the same theme: I am an idiot. Seriously. Don't misunderstand; this is not me asking for compliments, this is me finally accepting that I keep making the same mistakes.

Although I am grappling with an enormous personal situation, I am expected by those around me to put on a brave face and pretend that things are great. This morning though, I'd had enough and that expectation was shattered. when I was asked how I am doing, I answered truthfully. 'Not great'. When the person started back, puzzled, I offered that I had just recently had a death in my family and that it was a difficult time. Again, the other person was at a loss as to what to say to me.

Honesty is a difficult value to practice. I catch myself in many small fabrications during the course of my daily life and this morning when I didn't blur the truth and answered the question, 'How are you?' with exactly how I really was doing, a strange thing happened: I felt better.

Now if I could just get that feeling to pay rent, I'd be fine.

14 Nov 2010

So I Blew Up Our Ship

A few things have happened since my last post. I can't really talk about them because I am still wrestling with what they might ultimately mean. Having said that, I can happily report that I am still keeping up with the word count for NaNoWriMo and I am very proud of that. What I can and will talk about is something both delightful and entertaining. Because I am both of those things.

I recently joined a group of guys who are currently playing Warhammer 40K: Dark Heresy the role-playing game, not the table-top. I haven't played an RPG in years, and I am finding it very interesting with the variety of things my character can do. My character is a Tech Priest named 42 who has no idea of why he is involved with the current group of Inquisitors. I am having a blast exploring the innocence of my character while also figuring out how the game mechanics work. Its also a really good opportunity for me to get out of the house and do something that I enjoy. We meet once a week and play for roughly 8 hours. Let me tell you, those hours fly by while playing and every time we stop, I have a moment of 'dammit, why can't we just stay here and play straight through to Monday?'

Onto yesterday. So, my character really has clue about things like combat and can't really take a punch. 42 is a very delicate being who wants only to communicate with the machine spirit and if necessary, blow people up from a distance. He is very good at hacking which is why I think the others tolerate him. He can do things with machines and computers that the others cannot and he is constantly surprising them with his talents. Except for yesterday. He might be in trouble.

To make a long story short, 42 was supposed to be assisting with capturing data from a spaceship that was stranded in the middle of nowhere. He ripped his Void-suit and injured himself and was sent back to the ship. Strike one. He gets onto the ship and discovers a plot to kill his teammates but doesn't know how to communicate that because he has no fellowship skills. Strike two. Then, the traitorous pilot shackles 42 and disables his mechadendrites (robotic helper-tentacles that can smash through things and carry shit and are very useful) and pistol-whips him, confusing him further. The pilot forces 42 to issue the restart information to his teammates who are on the other ship and have no clue what's going on. Finally, one of his teammates kind of suspects that things aren't going according to plan and in the process of people being shot at by the traitorous prick who is piloting our ship and 42 managing to get free and turn on the robot sentries still on the ship, the pilot ends up getting pasted across the inside of the cockpit which then erupts in a huge fire. Strike three.

It ended up alright, but the fact that remains that 42 is single-handedly responsible for fucking things up every single time shit goes down. I already have my freak-out speech ready for they get back to the ship and start screaming at 42 for blowing up the ship. It will be epic.

So, when things happen in real life I can always remember that at least I didn't blow up the escape ship. Yet.

11 Nov 2010

I Fucking Give Up

I am absolutely furious right now. I am at work and sent out an email asking for a volunteer to help design a flyer for our upcoming Awards competition. I recieved a response and forwarded it on to the committee, mistakenly omitting one person and adding another. I also made the mistake of saying that I thought the person who had submitted was completely qualified and that I'd like to ask her to design something for the Awards.

Well.

The Awards Chair immediately emailed me and informed me of my error in leaving the one person off and adding the other and told me that she 'knows that I mean well but an opinion such as the one submitted by me should really come from her as she is the Chair.'

Really. Should have come from the Chair. The same woman who cannot get her shit together enough to provide me with the documents I need in time for our monthly meetings and who then says it's my fault that they are not distributed. The same woman who is so process-oriented that nothing gets done.

I am so mad right now, I am shaking. Fuck these people. I don't want to be Executive Director, I don't want to help them further their association. I am just going to keep my fucking mouth shut and watch them sink. It seems every time I turn around, there's something else that I have done wrong.

And it isn't as if I can't take it when I err. All I ask is that there be some kind of accompanying constructive criticism. When I deal with these people, I feel like I am dealing with my step-father: when I get close to doing something right, they change the rules to make sure I'm wrong.

I have already withdrawn from the various commitees I am currently helping out on. Let's see what happens when I'm not there to fix their fucking mistakes. No more editing their emails, no more researching things, no more extra's. They don't deserve the amount of work I do.

28 Oct 2010

NaNoWriMo Strikes Again

I am going to attempt to do this again this year. Last year I failed utterly; although it's hard to really fail something that isn't judged by anyone other than yourself. Last year I wrote approximately 2, 023 words and I was very proud of those words. Each one was carefully selected and arranged in a specific sequence to match exactly what I was thinking at the time. Since no one was standing over my shoulder, I slacked off and didn't finish. Sigh. This year will be different though.

The point of this whole thing, for me anyway, is to prove that I can apply myself to something and succeed. I write and edit for a living yet I do not put time aside for my personal writing. I have often wondered why and the answer is pretty simple: I am fucking lazy. So, enough is enough. I know it's hard to get motivated after ten or twelve hours of rewriting other people's work and crafting professional pieces of communication; however, it's imperitive that I grit my teeth and just do it.

Part of this is coming from my need to get outside of my comfort zone. I have been very complacent in allowing things to just happen, falsely believing that good things will occur if I just give it more time. My very wise older brother told me recently that he wondered when I would realize that we live a very short life. M, I got it. I totally got it. You are very wise and very smart and I thank the stars that you are here to guide me in the gentle manner that you do. I love you.

Time to get to work.

13 Oct 2010

I Might Have Screwed Up. . .

. . . but that's not me. It's taken me a long time to get here but instead of cutting and running, I've decided to try and work it out. I am not sure if things will work out as I'd like them to; somehow though, I am not sure that's the point. I think at some point I am going to fail and have to reassess but for now I am just going to charge ahead and try and make a go of it.

It's no secret that I am unhappy with my current job. Although I have sent out resumes galore, it seems as though I am destined to stay here and wallow in self-pity. I am going to try and do something radical: I am going to try and make the best of it. Quitting isn't an option and I am doing well financially; I need to wrap my head around the fact that I am a very well-paid babysitter. Many more deep breaths need to be taken and I need to actually spend my lunch hour away from my desk and co-workers.

Working in a toxic environment has taught me to play my cards close to my chest and not reveal anything beyond top level information about my life. I made a mistake once about speaking my mind and it completely backfired on me, almost to the point where I thought I would need to leave. Giving someone that much power over you; I am famous for doing that and it needs to stop.

Going forward I am going to try and remain stoic about my position here and remind myself that it is only when I am outside of this place that I can be myself. It will be a hard lesson to learn but I have to do this otherwise I will go crazy and quit my job like a loser. I am not a loser. I do not quit. I make things work to my advantage, not the other way around. It's time I started making this work for me.

And I know just how to do it. ;)

4 Oct 2010

Less Drama, More Awesomeness

It seems to be a continuing thing with me. The more I try and keep drama out of my life, the more it seems determined to find me. The past few weeks have proven that to me over and again and I am becoming quite tired of the whole thing.

People from my past keep popping up out of nowhere and they all want something from me: forgiveness, understanding, information, etc. Not once have any of these people asked me how I am doing or tried to explain why they treated me the way they did. I certainly did not expect to understand the why's of each situation; the time for explaining and forgiving is long past and will not be an option for any of them. I have closed the door on each one and moved on and I just find it odd that they have the same underlying reason for contacting me: They need me.

The question of whether or not I will help these people is still outstanding. While I have moved on in my brain, my heart is not as forgetful. Part of me wants nothing more than to reach out and help because that is what I do, and another, darker part of me is resisting that urge voraciously. I harbour no ill feelings for any of them regardless of how much they have hurt me through their direct actions and their more subtle attacks; however, I will not allow myself to fall into this trap again.

The issue has never been whether people can change: it's always been whether or not they actually will. It's been my experience that people will feed you whatever bullshit they think you want to hear in order to get what they want from you. I am curious as to why these people who have treated me so poorly think that it's okay to contact me and ask for help. That takes cojones and while I admire the selfishness of their actions I am fairly certain that after they read this blog entry I will most likely never hear from any of them again.

If it turns out that I end up meeting any of them I realize that I will not get the answers I am hoping for; I will be fed whatever line happens to come out at that time. That too is fine with me. By not answering the question, the question is answered.

18 Sept 2010

Why Do I Write?

I have been asking myself 'why' a lot lately. 'Why do I do this?' and 'Why am I okay with that?' are questions that pop up all the time. I finally feel as though I can start to answer them, even if the answer themselves are not fully complete.

For instance, why do I write? Why do I have this overwhelming need to string words together and sell my creations to whomever will buy them? Why do I write this blog that hardly anyone reads? Because I have to. I am writer and I cannot not write. I have so many ideas rolling around in my head, so many half-finished stories and partially thought out plots, that if I do nothing with them, they will slowly drive me mad. I have had a nodding acquaintance with madness and while I enjoyed the freedom it brought, I was not a fan of the wriggly feelings that accompanied it. So, back to 'why'.

'Why' is a tricky question, no matter what parameters you attach to it. 'Why' opens up a whole new way of thinking, a whole new way of dealing with things. Provided you are ready for the answers, 'why' will free you from an old way of being. For me, asking myself 'why' has provided me with a new outlook on the reasons for my choices. Like writing.

Writing for me has always been an escape; a way for me to forget about the various problems I encounter and people I wish I'd never met. I credit writing for helping me process and heal from my divorce and loss of my then-best friend. If I didn't have my writing, I might not have made the decisions I did and might have ended up in a very different and very dark place. Putting words on paper, either literally or metaphorically, helped me realize that I needed to cut certain people out of my life and stop trying so damn hard to talk to them. It isn't always necessary to have your voice heard or to get closure: by insisting that you want those things, you are allowing other people to dictate whether you are successful or not. Once I asked myself the question 'Why do I need closure so badly?', I was able to figure out that I just wanted to be able to walk away. By writing down the conversation as I would have liked it to be, I was able to do so. I suspect that my subsequent withdrawal from those I was trying to talk to was confusing because they enjoyed watching me bang my head against the wall.

Writing for me has always been a way for me to work things out and to process difficulties that I may be facing. If I didn't write, I would have a very hard time dealing with things. I have a special folder that holds my personal writing that includes things that don't make it onto my website and are not sent out to prospective clients. Having that slice of personal writing that is all mine allows me to focus on the task at hand and lets me be free to be creative.

I don't know what drives other writers. I just know what drives me.

31 Aug 2010

Where Do I Start?

I have been trying to figure something out for the longest time and I think I finally understand now. Life is not about who you know or what you do or how much you have. It's about exploiting those around you in such a way that they end up thanking you for the opportunity.

Hmm. Sounds really terrible when it just sits there in print. It made much more sense in my head.

17 Aug 2010

Humans Suck

Every morning that I take the bus to work, I see the same woman get on with her four children. This might seem like no big deal but listen: this woman manages to wrangle four kids every morning and get them out the door in time to catch the bus. Four. I have a hard time getting my boyfriend out of bed, and here's this woman with her four kids getting to the bus on time every day. Geez. We have missed the bus a few times due to him meandering instead of getting his shit together. I marvel each and every time she gets on at how well behaved they are. They sit down close to her, no whining, and the older ones either read or talk quietly with her until they reach their stop. Just an absolute wonder to behold. It seems though, that my wonderment is not shared by other patrons of the bus, you know, the public transportation vehicle that everybody's taxes pay for. This is why people suck.

The woman with four kids gets ready to get off the bus. She stands up, unlocks the wheels of the stroller, and walks backwards to the front of the bus where her other two children are. We get to the stop, the two small children hop off and a very large woman tries to get on, sees the stroller, huffs, and gets off. The woman with the stroller backs off the bus and tries to move away from the door of the bus but can't. Why? BECAUSE THE OTHER WOMAN IS BLOCKING HER. Finally, the other woman gets it and moves, and stroller lady walks away with her kids. As the other woman gets on the bus, she says to the driver, loud enough for everyone including stroller lady to hear, 'People shouldn't come to this country and have so many children for everyone else to pay for.'

I'm sorry, what? Who shouldn't come to this country and have so many children? The Japanese woman with four kids whose husband sees her off before going to work? Or the very rude enormous black woman who was on her way to Wal-mart? Wow. Just. . . wow.

Let me guess, I am being racist for saying all of this because I am white, right? Let me tell you something: rude people are all the same. They are RUDE. I don't give a shit about most people because the majority of them suck and this just illustrates my point perfectly. Why is it okay for people to say things like that? I couldn't retort even though I wanted to because I was afraid of her playing the race card. People like that just wait for someone to confront them so they can say it's a hate crime. Fuck that shit and fuck that woman. She is the reason there are so many stereotypes about her culture and she does nothing to stop it.

Honestly, I don't give a shit about what anyone says. Rudeness has no colour, no race, and no sex. Rude people are all the same regardless of where they originate from. We are all immigrants in this country; each of us originally came from somewhere else and it's time people realized that and stopped being so fucking intolerant of others.

Except me. I am awesome and I don't need to tolerate other people's shit, especially if I disagree with it.

15 Aug 2010

It's Over Already?

It's amazing how quickly time passes when I am not at work. Ten days just whooshed by and here I am preparing to go back to work tomorrow and face a shit-storm. Here's how it went down: the boy and I decided to go camping. We gathered our gear, bought the food and booze, rented a car, and off we went. I told everyone in my office that I would not be able to respond to any messages until we returned. Right in the middle of the trip, I get a message telling me that one of our clients did not renew their contract and would be pulling out November 9. This was not a surprise, and I was more than a little shocked to hear that the office was upset about it. These are the same clients who, for the past year or so, have not paid my company for services rendered above and beyond the scope of the contract. People in my office have been complaining that they are working for nothing, even though they still get their paycheques, and now they claim to be upset at losing the client that wasn't generating any income for the company? Maybe it's me, but I just don't see what the problem is. Not having their shit to deal with means we can focus on our clients that do pay.

More than that though, is why on earth my office thought it was a good idea to call me while on vacation to tell me this. I am, quite frankly, very surprised that I was informed while on vacation. The whole office knew that I needed time away from this shit, so why did they call me and tell me? Because they are women, that's why. It doesn't matter that I have never taken more than an extended weekend off in the past four years I have worked there. What matters is that I wasn't there and they had to deal with the shit themselves instead of shucking it onto me. So they did the next best thing: attempted to ruin my vacation. What they didn't count on though, was my bitchiness surfacing before my compassion.

It's not that I don't care about the lost client; I do. I understand that this is more of a morale issue than a dollars and cents issue and that losing a client makes your employees wary. Despite that, I ignored the call. I sent a quick message letting the office know I got their email and shut off my phone. Then we went to the beach and frolicked in the water because we were on vacation. Remember? VACATION. Geez.

My vacation was amazing, despite the obvious attempts of my office-mates to ruin it. I didn't set my alarm at all and was not woken up once by texts or facebook messages. Tomorrow, though, I go back to work. I am not looking forward to it because I am not in the right place anymore. I need a change, I need something different and although I have a plan, I know it won't be a quick and easy process. Losing this client has shown me that the company I work for might not be the best fit for me, simply because there were a few key things that could have been done to prevent them from leaving. Things that my boss should have seen and acted on and didn't. Because of that, I can safely assume that she was prepared to let this client go but wanted them to sever ties. Kind of like making your boy- or girlfriend hate you so they break up with you because you are too chicken to say the words. Not the kind of behaviour I expected from my boss, someone I used to look up to.

I am more than a little disappointed with the way this whole thing was handled. Then again, it isn't my company and I have no say in the way it is run. That being said, I certainly do not need to stay in a environment where situations such as this arise.






4 Aug 2010

So Very Close

There are a lot of things that bother me. People who throw their trash on the floor of buses and subways, people who don't give their seats to a wretchedly old man/woman, and people who take their strollers on the bus first thing in the morning during rush hour. (*fist raised, shaking in anger) I think that perhaps one of the things that fills me completely and utterly with rage each time I am confronted by it is when people who are normally smart act dumb to either get out of doing something or to avoid being caught doing something they know they shouldn't have done.

I am sitting here at work trying to get shit done so I can finally go on VACATION (which I haven't done in about 3 years, fuckholes) and I am doing all I can not to punch people out. Not only did the boss' son waltz in, to check up on everybody because he is a piece of trash, but he stopped by my desk to 'have a quick chat'. I hate this guy. Seriously. He is like every other white, privileged piece of shit that watches 'Jersey Shores'. Ugh. So he wants to chat. To me. Knowing how busy I am because he knows that I am going on vacation, he starts to ask me questions about where I am going and who I am going with. After a minute or so of no response from me, he reminds me that his mom pays me. I snap my head around and say,'That's right, fuckface, YOUR MOM pays me. Now, either make yourself useful and get me a coffee or get the fuck out of my face and let me work so YOUR MOM can continue to pay your tuition.' He left without getting me coffee. Sigh. I really wanted a coffee, too.

Now, I have a bit of a temper and usually I can keep it under control. Today however, I was not in the mood to play nice with this guy because he's a waste of carbon. I have had enough of people trying to tell me what to do and make me feel bad for questioning their motives. Enough is enough. He stared at me, open-mouthed, with a look of 'you can't say things like that to me. My mom employs you'. Guess what? I can and I will because when you stand so very close behind me while I am trying to work, it's both invasive and creepy. And I am pretty sure your mom would not like that, considering that she is an advocate for women's rights. Imagine how she'd feel, knowing her prized son is actually a douche-bag who likes to try and cow women. He's done that to a few women in the office already and I refuse to put up with that shit. I have enough creepy shit in my life without dealing with that shit at work too.

I have had enough of people. This vacation cannot come soon enough.

28 Jul 2010

Really? You Actually Believe That?

I am able to do something very strange and weird. It's called 'have a conversation and not necessarily have to make sure the other person agrees with me at all times'. Because I lack the gene responsible for making sure everyone around me agrees with me 100%, I don't usually get into conversations with people simply because of the level of frustration I experience.

While at work, I overheard a snippet of conversation and before I even opened my mouth I knew this would only end in tears. One of my co-workers was having difficulty with her email. For some reason, it wasn't loading and instead of doing the normal troubleshooting suggestion (restart), she decided to fly into the IT guy's office and yell at him. Because clearly, it's his fault. To his credit, he sat there and took the stream of verbal abuse and when it was done, he asked her if she had restarted her computer. That set her off even more, as essentially she feels she shouldn't have to restart; her email should just magically boot up all the time no matter how old and outdated our system is.

She came into my office afterwards, just to bitch and complain. After she vented, I asked her if she knew how old the system was. She didn't and when I told her, her response was, 'So what? It's not my problem the owners can't put more money into upgrading. How are we supposed to do our jobs when we don't have the correct tools?'

Good point. I agreed and said that despite that fact, I thought her anger was misdirected and that if she felt that strongly she should take it up with the boss and not the IT guy. He does the best he can with what he has.

You know when you point out something to someone and you think that they understand because they nod their head and move away without saying anything but then it turns out later that they actually disagree with what you said but didn't want to say because then that would cause a CONFLICT and everyone knows that CONFLICTS cannot be resolved by talking.

I found out a little later on purely by accident that she didn't agree. I walked into her area and she was trashing me to my co-workers. I waited until she was finished and then cleared my throat. When she turned around, I said to her that if she didn't agree with me that was fine but that I would have respected her a lot more had she just told me then. I waited to give her an opportunity to say something and when she didn't, I said that she was probably so quiet right now because her mouth only works when the person she should be talking to is not in the room.

Looking back, I probably should not have said that; however, I am really tired of the amount of backstabbing there is in my office. What do you expect from a group of women though? Solidarity? Friendship? Hell, no. These bitches are all out for one thing: making others look bad so they look good because they cannot do their jobs. Although we are all supposed to be supporting one another, that simply does not happen. It's another case of women being competitive in a situation that does not merit that type of suspicion.

I don't know how many times I have said that I have no desire to repeat the high school experience in my professional life. Unfortunately because I work in an office I am at the mercy of other people. I either need a serious vacation or a change of employment. I realize that similar situations will arise no matter where I work but honestly there has to be something better than this. I am tired of back-stabbing bullshit.

24 Jul 2010

My Aching Head

Part of the trouble is that I think too much. I am constantly over-analyzing and comparing, cross-checking and extracting. Why all the fuss? Girls. I just don't understand girls.

At the risk of sounding like a teenage boy lamenting to his friends about the lack of action from his girlfriend, let me explain. Last night I was privileged to spend a few hours with a woman I don't really know very well. On a whim, I invited her over for dinner and few other friends over for movies and cocktails afterwards. She and I talked about the various things we'd each been through and seen; a sort of comparison of our accumulated scars, so to speak. There were startling similarities between our two lives which I found quite interesting. Even though we had had vastly different upbringings, attended completely opposite schools and made choices based on those two things, we had also had similar experiences with girls. As in, they suck and should be sterilized at birth. And by sterilizing I mean mouths sewn shut so they can't spew their trash-talk.

If I look hard enough and drink enough red bull and espresso, I could probably tie every major upheaval in my life back to a girl. I know for a fact that my last major emotional breakdown was directly tied to the actions of a girl. (Why am I using 'girl' when I should be using 'woman'? Because these females are not mature enough to warrant the correct term. They are still locked in grade 10, fighting to hold onto their tenuous position as 'best-looking girl in the school' or 'weirdest chick in grade 11' or whatever they think they had back then. Even though school ended many years ago, these people cannot seem to let go of certain things and accept that the world moves forward, not sideways, and pretty soon they will be in their twilight years and wonder where the time went.) Sounds crazy I know, but it's true. I know of a few others in my situation who feel the same way. People who latch onto things you are passionate about and then run with it when they see how much attention they get. It's the same shit all over again.

In my case, I was betrayed by someone who is not even on my radar anymore. Am I upset still? Hell yes. What she did to me was terrible and if I had my way I would beat the shit out of her, nurse her back to health, then beat the shit out of her again. The things she did are not easily forgotten nor are they in the realm of things a person can do to me that I can forgive. Because I am a woman and not a girl, I realize that she has her own situation that she is dealing with. She is inside her own misery that she made for herself and nothing I could ever do to her could be worse. So, I leave her to it.

Talking with other women, I am realizing more and more that girls grew up as I did: bullied by the 'pretty girls' and made to feel like a piece of shit because we read comics instead of Sweet Valley High books. It's a small group, granted, and I think that's because women are taught at an early age to try and fit in no matter the cost to their souls. Now that I am older and better positioned to defend myself, I find that the game has changed. I understand that this was bound to happen; no one can stay stagnant for too long because society pulls you along, kicking and screaming, regardless of where you want to be. I accept the truth that sometimes people just suck and I can't take it personally but I just can't figure out why girls want to hurt me so much.

Pain is part of life. I get that. What I don't get is the amount of 'we-are-all-sisters' bullshit that women throw around and then in the next breath they are fucking their best friend's husband behind her back. What exactly is that anyway? What does that show about our supposed female-solidarity?

I'l tell you what it means. It means that every woman is on her own until she can find like-minded others to surround her. That process can take years and the worst part is that even after years of being friends with someone, they can still turn on you quick as an asp. You just never know. And that, not global-warming, not food shortages, that specific truth fills me with despair every time I contemplate it. Not because of the amount of pain that it holds for me personally, but because of the fact that I can trust no woman ever again with anything close to my heart. This is the time of my life where I am supposed to have this all figured out; I am supposed to have a close circle of girlfriends that I can count on and while there are a couple of women that I hold dear, I am still wary. And that fucking sucks.

7 Jul 2010

Deal of a Lifetime

I have just made the biggest deal of my life with the most important person in my life. . . myself. Yes, I realize how incredibly narcissistic this is and for now I am embracing it. You see, I have spent far too much time taking care of the people around me and not enough time taking care of myself. I have spent a couple of months cutting back on the amount of time spent on others and have rediscovered certain things about myself. In the process, I have lost almost 20 pounds, am sleeping better, and can run 5 miles again. (That's approximately 8 k for those who care. Not even close to what I was running before; however, a very good start.)

In the past few months I have had serious bouts of self-doubt to the point where I nearly quit my job. It's become more bearable since I decided to do things for myself and let others fend off their own demons. Not saying I am not there for my friends; I am just not fixing things for them anymore. It's one thing to have a chat with someone and listen to their worries and quite another to have the burden of making things work out for them placed squarely on your shoulders. I am not saying that I had no other option but to take on this role. What I am saying is that now I understand that it's not my place to fix things for other people. I am responsible for my own life and my own choices and I need to let other people make their mistakes as they will.

That sounds really grown-up, doesn't it? It's very hard for me to sit back and watch while others flounder. I want nothing more than to step up and take over and make things a-okay but I can't. I have responsibilities to myself that include going to the gym and writing in my spare time. I can make time for the gym but I am still having a hard time figuring out where I can squeeze in a few extra hours for writing. Maybe I will need to get up early? Maybe take my laptop to work and write over my lunch hour? I don't know when it will happen but I do know that eventually it will happen.

Right??

30 Jun 2010

I Need to STFU

I realize that the recent events of the G20 have left certain questions unanswered about the way the situation was handled. I get that some people were wrongfully detained and treated less than stellar by the police. I also understand that many people who protested sincerely believed in what they were protesting for and for that, I applaud them. What I do not applaud and will not stand for is the fact that I have been told countless time to shut the fuck up and not to have an opinion because I. . . wasn't there.

That's right. Because I stayed the hell out of the downtown core due to the high probability of dischord, I have been told on more than one occasion that I cannot possibly have an opinion because I was not physically there and did not witness the 'horror' that our beloved police forces inflicted upon the 'innocent' protestors. I am not in any way condoning those who were wrongly accused/charged/detained at all; what I am upset about is the fact that the decision to hold the G20 in Toronto was made by politicians and not the police. Why are we blaming the cops for doing their jobs and following orders? Why aren't we questioning Stephen Harper and his government?

When I raised those questions to those who believe that the police acted wrongly (even though they were clearly under orders), I was met with stony glares: Don't confuse us with facts. I have no trouble with discussing this with rational people who will listen to me and then discuss why they feel differently. I had an hour-long conversation last night with my brother and while we did not see things the same way, we had a great discussion. We took turns talking and listening and pointing out contradictions in each other's arguments. It was, dare I say, an adult way of dealing with such a volatile situation.

I changed my facebook status to say that I was protesting the protestors protesting the police. That netted me angry comments, insults, and an order for me to shut my mouth because I was clearly under the influence of the media. Think about this: if I were listening to the media as suggested, would I not be on their side? The media is out for cop-blood, any way it can get it. My position of 'blame the ones who made the decision, not the ones who followed orders' is both logical and acceptable. Telling me to shut the fuck up because I do not agree with you is neither logical nor acceptable.

One person in particular is trying my patience with her repeated attempts to draw me into an all-out war on facebook. She has sent me multiple emails with various videos attached and has demanded that I watch all of it. To be honest, I don't care about protestors or what they were protesting. My beef is the assigning of blame to an undeserving group. Whether or not the whole thing was planned is not my concern: people being intolerant of others' opinions is my concern.

For me, the G20 has once again proven that people are sheep and will believe the hype no matter what it is or how ridiculous it sounds. The fact that no one is allowing for alternate opinions proves to me that people are not trying to understand the bigger picture here; they just want to be right. And they will beat the shit out of anyone who tells them differently.

11 Jun 2010

Regina Bound!

Is it wrong that I cannot say that word without giggling to myself? Probably. I am leaving tonight to go to Regina (teehee) for a work conference and I am not looking forward to it. Not only does it take me away from my boy, I have to share a room with a co-worker. I am not sure exactly how this will go down: she and I have different duties during the conference and I fear we may tread on each other in the morning. She thinks that it will be fine and that we can accomodate each other's schedules but I know better. I have seen what happens when she does not get her way at work and I am dreading the first instance where she may be forced to compromise with me.

On a lighter note, there is a fantastic comic bookstore just around the corner from the hotel where I am staying. I have already made arrangements to leave the conference tomorrow afternoon to check it out. At the very least, I will be able to pick up my comics for this week. I missed getting them earlier and I don't think I can wait until next week to buy them.

I really have the best boyfriend of all time. He did the laundry last night so I didn't have to stress out at all over what to pack and it all fit nicely into the suitcase he gave me. He even packed my toiletries for me. I haven't even left yet and I already miss him. Boo. Monday night can't come soon enough.

1 Jun 2010

When Fate Intervenes, You Just Do It

I have msn on my computer at work and we use it in lieu of the phone. It's annoying to have to stop what you are doing just to answer the phone and much easier to respond to msn. As you know, I have been quite unhappy with my current job due to the actual amount of work it truly is. I do not have enough time to eat my lunch let alone get my projects completed on time. It's both frustrating and demeaning and I am quite tired of waking up in the middle of the night panicking because I have, surprise surprise, forgotten to do something. Enter Fate; a wonderful, pushy, will-not-be-denied-her-right-to-speak woman. She is in my life in a huge way right now and she will not go away.

Among a plethora of things to happen that alerted me to the presence of Fate, was an awesome lead on a new freelance opportunity thanks to my big brother. I filed it away as something to get to asap and have been plugging along at it in between regular work and sleep. Here's my personal absolute proof that Fate is here: while at work and on msn, I keep getting these little messages across the bottom of the chat window asking me if I need a new job. There are variations on that theme: Am I looking for a challenge? Do I feel unappreciated in my current position? and so on. No one else in the office has seen these messages on their personal chat windows and they had to come to my desk to see my chat windows in order to believe me.

So, I have decided to let Fate work her magic and see where that takes me. I cannot fight it anymore; this is not where I am supposed to be and I have to take steps to rectify the situation that I find myself in. No more being stubborn, no more screwing around. Fate has intervened and I have to listen.

And just like that, I have a new job.

18 May 2010

Pretty Good Times, Eh?

Last night I went to the gym and met my trainer who proceded to kick my ass for an hour. Three weeks in and I am already 12 lbs lighter and a whole mess stronger. He is doing a great job challenging me and last night I almost admitted defeat.

After my workout, which left me dazed and breathless with fluttery muscles, I thought I'd do what I have been doing after every other workout: run on the treadmill. For those of you keeping up with me in current life, you'll recognize how important it is that I can run again. I left my trainer and went to the treadmill and plugged in my normal routine. About ten minutes into it, I had to stop running. I was completely exhausted and just couldn't make my legs work. I thought about stopping altogether but my trainer came by the machine and asked how I was doing. I gritted my teeth and upped the incline percentage and told him I was fine because I am a stupid, stubborn woman. He smiled at me and said I'd better make sure to eat my Wheaties for Wednesday's workout because it's going to be tougher. Sigh.

Despite the pain, going to the gym is working. I feel better about myself and my concentration at work is better. All in all, pretty good. Work itself is ridiculous and I am still trying to find time to write everything that needs to get written before the deadlines hit. So far, I have not been successful with putting aside time to write on a regular basis. I am doing my best though and so far, my best has been good enough.


3 May 2010

You Know I Can Hear You, Right?

Apparently, I am an idiot. I thought the office politics had ceased since there wasn't any reason for them to continue. No one's job is in jeopardy, although the appearance of an intern seems to have ruffled some of feathers. That, however, is a completely different post.

I have a one-track mind. When I work, I immerse myself in it in order to get the job done in a timely fashion. I don't like stretching things out. Get in, get it done, get out. I was busy working and didn't notice that my phone was ringing. I blocked it out because it was a different ring; it was an internal call and I completely ignored it. By not picking up the phone, I made the girl at the end of the hall get up and walk twenty feet to my desk to tell me there is a call on hold for me. No big deal, right? I said thanks, answered the phone, did whatever and hung up. A few minutes later I needed to go to the other end of the hall and as I walked in, I heard her talking trash about me. All because I didn't hear the phone.

I walked into the room as she was saying that I am an inconsiderate bitch. She saw me and stopped talking and I told her to go on and finish what she was saying. She tried to make it look like she was kidding but it was a feeble attempt and I didn't buy it. I just looked at her, shook my head slightly and told her that I was disappointed at what she had said. I said that I didn't think she would do that sort of thing, and I reminded her that she had told me that she had previously been a victim of that same sort of thing herself. As she had nothing further to say, I walked away.

And that's my day so far.

30 Apr 2010

Time Passes And No One Notices

I have been busy. Between school and work and trying to spend time with my boy, I feel as though I am being stretched to the limit. It seems to be calming down at work now, as people are beginning to take time off; however, it still seems as though I am running in circles.

Despite this, I have had a number of triumphs. One of the science fiction magazines that I subscribe to has accepted one of my stories to include in their spring 2011 issue. There are a few edits I need to make to the piece but it's going to be published. Finally. The editing group I belong to has asked me to edit their policy and procedures handbook which will be published and distributed province-wide in the fall. I can add that editing credit to my resumé which will help me when I write the certification exams later this year. My novel has recieved attention from a few interested publishers which has lit a fire under my ass to get it done. Since it is a very awesome piece of literature, I can't say that I blame them for wanting it completed so that they can share it with the world.

All in all, good things are happening. I know that's not why you read this; you'd rather read a rant about old people or rudeness on the subway that I have experienced. While I can always rant about something or other, this time I just wanted to share a bit of happiness. I realize it isn't as entertaining, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so damn happy and secure in my position in life.

For once.

31 Mar 2010

I Have a Bad Feeling About This

I think there is something wrong with me. I have a great boyfriend who loves me, a solid job that pays my bills, and a wonderful network of wonderful people around me who care about my overall well-being. I have all these wonderful things in my life yet I am still waiting for it to fall apart.

Normally, when I'm in a good place I destroy it. I go out of my way to make sure I am unhappy so that I can turn my hands up to sky and loudly proclaim 'Oh, woe is me' to whoever will listen. This time though, something different is happening. I am still filled with equal parts dread and fear, however I am not deliberately sabotaging my life. I am going through a stage right now where I feel as though I am not quite deserving of all that I have. I keep waiting for my boyfriend to wake up and scream when he sees me lying beside him. Not that I think I am unattractive, it's that I don't quite understand why the hell he would want to be with me. I am very damaged from all the terribleness that happened before, during, and after my divorce and I am finding that my baggage from that gut-wrenchingly awful time keeps popping up at the most awkward times. As I write this, I kind of feel like crying and throwing myself off a bridge (metaphorically speaking, so don't worry guys!) just so my brain will stop whispering to me.

I am doing my best to keep a smile on my face but I am barely holding on. I am trying desperately to let go of things that are hurting me and in those attempts I am finding that there is still so much pain that needs to be dealt with. It seems like a daunting task and I am afraid if I let my mask fall just a little bit everything will fall apart and I can't let that happen.

I just want to go home and hide under my bed.

*Note: I believe a lot of this is coming from the fact that today is the anniversary of my dreams being crushed. It was 2 years ago today when it was decided there would be no reconciliation. I was shattered, both by the fact that my marriage was ending and also the reasons why it was ending. The rest of the terribleness happened shortly after and it managed to completely destroy whatever I had left of my self esteem. I must be feeling as though I am in safe place; I am allowing myself to actually go through this again in an effort to put the demons to rest. That is comforting. Still very much a shitty place to be, but comforting nonetheless.

23 Mar 2010

I Was Right All Along

People have always told me that I'm too negative. 'You need to brighten up,' they say. "You are far too dark; don't you believe in the purity of the humna soul?'

Aha. Purity of the human soul. What a crock of shit. People, if given the choice and reasonably certain of not being caught, will always fuck you over. People are not pure, and they sure as hell aren't going to change anytime soon. That's just the way things are though, right?

I like to think that no good deed goes unpunished, and no rotten deed goes unnoticed. Today I was walking back to my office after lunch and I was startled to hear a loud crunching sound. I turned and saw that a woman had hit a car as she was pulling out of her parking spot. I stood there wondering what she and her companion were going to do next. I could clearly see that there was damage to the other car. Since I was standing right there watching, I thought that would give them the nudge needed to 'do the right thing' and leave a note on the other car's windshield. Purity of the human soul, where were you?

They left. They just backed up and left the parking lot. No note, no nothing, just exit stage left and thanks for all the fish. Unfortunately for them though, I jotted down the licence plate number and phoned in the accident anonymously.

Don't fuck with karma because it's much bigger than you and will hurt you.

3 Mar 2010

Keep It Together

I know that every time I post potentially someone from my office could stumble upon it. I also know that both of my bosses regularly check our computers and internet history to see where we've been and what we've been doing. Knowing all of that has not made me stop posting during business hours though. I figure that with the amount of work I do, both during regular hours and weekends, I am allowed to post on my freaking blog if I want to.

And now, my rant. The people I deal with on a regular basis who are not smart and do not understand the concept of what I do and so make my job a living hell are coming into my office today to conduct a pre-audit. Even though we pay a firm to come in every year and do a thorough audit, these people have it lodged firmly in their heads that they need to come in first and make sure everything is ready. Correction: they need to come in and make sure that I have not embezzled their money or screwed up their membership or any other thing that tops the list this week. Basically, they don't know how I do things and instead of asking me or, how about this, reading the Policy and Procedure Handbook they developed and I implemented, they feel it's better to come into my office and waste half my day with questions about filing.

I know that when the pre-audit committee comes in, they will run me ragged trying to produce reports so they can complain about them. I would love to have these already set up so I could just hand them a stack of paper when they get here but I don't know what reports they want. They didn't think to let me know in advance so I could prepare ahead of time and potentially cut their day shorter. I am basically being set up to fail as they will no doubt time me to see how long it takes me to produce the reports they want. Keeping in mind my primary focus is marketing, not administrative support.

I am going into this knowing that I am going to fail. I am actually at peace with that; this way, nothing is going to surprise me and hopefully I won't be as upset as I have been every other time these women come into my office and wreak havok. We will see how this works out.

On a brighter note, I have very pretty hair today.

23 Feb 2010

Seriously?

Today I have to go off-site and scorekeep for a judging competition for one of the Associations I work with. I made sure that both of my bosses were aware that I would need to use the laptop and the data projector today as the boardroom where the judging is taking place is not equipped with such things. I also decided to use my personal computer to keep track of the scores so that once I returned to the office I could immediately upload the information to the committee in charge and they would not have any reason to yell at me. With all my careful planning and ensuring that those in charge of the equipment were in the know as to what I needed and when you would think this would be easy, right? Fairly straightforward stuff, right? Wrong.

I get into the office this morning to find the laptop missing. The laptop that has all the images and everything else that I pre-loaded 0n it for today. Gone. Despite my reminders to both my bosses, despite the fact that I need this equipment to do my fucking job, they decided to take it home last night. You would have thought that they would make sure it was here for me, wouldn't you? Nope. Eff you, October. You're stupid if you think we're here to help make your already impossible-to-do job any easier. Holy shit am I mad. To top it all off, my co-worker called my boss at home to tell her to bring it in and is now telling everyone else in the office how I am over-reacting to the situation. I am sitting at my shitty desk, listening to them laugh about my 'temper'. You think this is a display of my temper? This mild outburst of irritation? Wait until I burn the fucking building down. With my mind.

It will all work out. My boss will show up with the laptop all apologetic and I will smile and say 'no problem' while I'm Dexter-ing her in my head. I seriously need out of here. I cannot stand it when the people in charge consistently drop the ball and expect me to be able to react and fix things. I could have just used my own computer and done the scoring by hand but that is not the point. When I say I need something for my job, I expect it to be there. Period. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

And if you are thinking of saying something clever and/or witty in the comments section, don't. Because I am so not in the mood right now.

22 Feb 2010

What the Eff?

Here's the deal, psyche. I write the demons out of you, you let me sleep longer than three hours a night. Deal?

Fuck, I sure hope so. Because I am getting tired of not sleeping. BG thinks it's him keeping me awake when it really isn't. It's my brain, that part of my brain that never sleeps, never takes a moments rest, always bugging me, nagging at me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, thin enough. Yeah, that part. I hate that part, yet it's the part I draw from when I write. It's like an immense well of darkness that pools up inside my psyche; waiting until the level gets too high, then it pours out of the tips of my fingers into a word file where it sits until I am ready to use it.

Do I sound like I need sleep? Are there dragons on the subway?

18 Feb 2010

This Is It

After much inner debating, I have decided to stop trying to make things burst into flame using only my mind. It appears as though I simply cannot do it and although that inability makes me sad, I also see the reasoning behind it. If I could harness the power of fire I would misuse it completely.

On a different note, I have also decided to start writing more. My difficulty to date has been based on sheer exhaustion when I get home and an unwillingness to open my laptop. I need to start training myself to write a few lines every night. Morning writing is out, as I need what little sleep I am getting and I am not willing to trade it for the possibility of maybe writing a couple words before the coffee brews. Work has me stressed out and when I am stressed out I don't sleep. BG is sick, which doesn't help me as he tosses and turns in his medicated delirium.

I have entered the love/hate stage of my job. One minute I am swearing I won't go back in and the next I'm saying it's the best job I've ever had. Not sure what's going to happen but I feel that change is coming soon. What form that will take is anyone's guess, including my own.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go practice teleporting.

5 Feb 2010

Einstein iz smrt

Albert Einstein once said, 'A man's ethical behaviour should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.'

Hmm. While I agree that ethics and religion are separate from each other, I am not sure of the rest of society (or at least a sizeable portion of it) would agree with me. How often do we read otherwise in the newspaper? The 10 Commandments have been used as a basis for many ethical arguments, as it seems to be a solid foundation for correct social behavour. That being said, socially correct behaviour does not always equal ethical behaviour. One could potentially live their entire life by the 10 commandments but not live ethically depending on the situation.

Take the concept of truth for example. Truth itself is defined as many different things all of which boil down to one aspect: an undisputed and accepted fact. Does that mean that as soon as someone challenges a previously undisputed fact it is no longer true? No wonder people have such difficulties with telling the truth; it is completely and utterly open to each individual's interpretation.

Ethics are similar in nature to truth in that it is open to interpretation and subject to discussion. What I feel is unethical behaviour might be completely acceptable to another; it's all in how the individual sees the situation. Personal values come into play along with morals the deeper you go. More neutral areas.

Each person is their own mini-society and they rule their own society as they see fit. Once they enter a social situation however, they are expected to comply with a series of social rules. Should they decide to not follow those rules, they are shunned and in some cases punished. Does that mean their behaviour is wrong? I don't think so; I think it means that those people are viewed as a threat to the carefully structured social hive that most people adhere to and that's why they are treated like outcasts. Ethics and social structure are linked; you cannot have one without the other. As long as there are people, there will be ethical dilemmas and social awkwardness.

Pardon the meandering; I have had these thoughts in my head for a little while now and each time I open my mouth to voice them I am greeted with blank stares and snickers. Part of my reason for having a blog is so that I can avoid the snickering.

Anyway, Einstein had it right. Religion and ethics should not mix. Just like Jack Daniel's and banana liquer.

22 Jan 2010

It's Official

I have completely lost my mind. I woke up partway through the night convinced it was Saturday and proceeded to turn off my alarm. I woke up again a bit later and panicked because I could not remember what day it was. After consulting my phone, I had to set my alarm again to make sure I woke up and went into work. I hate it when my brain gets reality and fantasy confused.

This is not the first time I have done this and I suspect it will only get worse because I am also starting to see things. Strange things. Perhaps it's a mixture of lack of REM sleep and too much caffeine, but I am seeing dragons on the subway. Not Smaug dragons, more like fledglings. I see them curled up under seats, cracking open yellow eyes to glare at me when I stare. Dragons hate bad manners and apparently staring open-mouthed is rude. I can't help it, I've never seen a dragon before.

Hmm. I suppose there is a rational explanation for all this and I suspect it may involve time off work and a bit of a rest. One thing truly concerns me though; if I can no longer see the dragons, does that mean they aren't there anymore?

20 Jan 2010

Update...Because You Want To Know

The past little while has been an absolute maelstrom of activity. I am exhausted and in desperate need of a vacation. I have been informed that there is no way I will be able to take any vacation time for at least six months, and that got me thinking about my job and where it's going.

I have a great job and I love the challenges I face each day. I have been given certain opportunities that I may not have been able to pursue had I chosen to work in another position elsewhere. I am very dedicated to my work and to the people I work with. I am, however, beginning to find myself in a unique spot. I have made enough contacts at this job to allow me to go further in my career, only if I want to. And right now, I am tired. No furthering of the career today for October. She needs sleep.

Not much of an update, but there you go. I have written so much in the past little while that I feel as though I have used up my monthly allotment of words.

That's all.

8 Jan 2010

That's Better

I have been meaning to do this for a while and just have not been able to do so. I just deleted a whole bunch of people from Facebook that I no longer talk to. Why have people on there that I don't talk to? Why belong to groups that no longer want me in them? Clearly I will never see them again and will never be invited to join in their activities so why even bother to get updates on things that I cannot go to?

I seem to be going through a bit of a housekeeping phase. There are quite a few people that I used to hang out with on a regular basis that no longer seem to want to be around me. I am okay with that; I just needed to clean house so that I could move on.

Things feel less crowded in my brain without all those negative thoughts about coulda, shoulda, woulda racing around. I am one of those people who normally needs closure; however, in this case I am going to make an exception. I am not going to bother these people anymore, nor do I expect any kind of response from them. This is your chance to walk away scot-free if you want to. You guys know who you are.

You're free.

7 Jan 2010

Take That, Self Esteem

For the majority of my adult life, I have had black hair. It has become a part of me, part of my identity, and part of my armor when facing things that I didn't want to deal with. My hair colour has also been, in my opinion, a factor in keeping my secret self safe from harm because it has acted as a deterrent for most people. It's no secret that the first impression of a female with jet-black hair and tattoos is not a favourable one, and for many years I bought into that. I blamed a lot of my social awkwardness on the stereotype of my appearance. Sound ridiculous? Think about it; almost every woman has a totem that always makes her feel powerful and untouchable. Mine was black hair.

Deciding to change my hair colour was a difficult one. After having black hair for so long, it's hard for me to reconcile having a different colour. In the past when I've tried to do this I have always ended up dyeing my hair back to black in an effort to recapture something I thought I'd lost. I thought that my identity was tied directly to the image I was portraying; the image of the tough, no-nonsense chick with an attitude. Not that that image no longer applies; it certainly does. I just no longer feel the need to beat people over the head with how hard-core I am because they will find out one way or another.

Changing my hair has allowed me to let go of a lot of baggage that has been troubling me for years. Sounds strange, I know, but because I have changed my outward appearance, I feel more comfortable letting go of things. I no longer check my email thinking I will hear from people I haven't heard from in months because now it doesn't matter. They will either contact me or not. It's not up to me and I am fine with that. It isn't that I don't care about them, I just can't invest anymore emotion in something that isn't going to pan out.

All this because of a hair colour change? That's right. Now get out of my way; I have a world to conquer.

5 Jan 2010

Starbucks Did It, Not Me

It was supposed a simple coffee. A quick cup of coffee with my friend who just received some pretty good news. I invited BG to join us and when we arrived at the Starbucks, there wasn't anywhere to sit. So you see, when we ended up at the pub it wasn't our fault at all. If there had been room, we would have enjoyed coffee. Instead, we got hammered on a school night.

I just can't do stuff like that anymore. My job demands my full and complete concentration and when I go out for a few drinks at the end of a long day, it really messes me up. BG and I looked at each other this morning and promised each other we wouldn't do that again on a school night.

The fact that we went drinking on a Monday isn't the worst part. After drinking, the three of us went to another friend's house and did a podcast - that was the worst part. I know for a fact that I made a complete ass out of myself and that at one point, I was told to ease up on the geekiness. That was in relation to my outburst regarding the outrageousness of Stephanie Brown (aka the new Batgirl, former Spoiler, former Robin, etc.) not making an appearance in any of the Blackest Night books. I then justified my outburst by comparing her to the rest of resurrected heroes that are being targeted by Necron and was met with stony silence. I believe it was at that moment that I realized I am damn lucky to not only have a boyfriend, but to have one who also reads comics and gives me noogies when I get out of control.

Bottom line: our usual Starbucks needs to be bigger.