I am going to attempt to do this again this year. Last year I failed utterly; although it's hard to really fail something that isn't judged by anyone other than yourself. Last year I wrote approximately 2, 023 words and I was very proud of those words. Each one was carefully selected and arranged in a specific sequence to match exactly what I was thinking at the time. Since no one was standing over my shoulder, I slacked off and didn't finish. Sigh. This year will be different though.
The point of this whole thing, for me anyway, is to prove that I can apply myself to something and succeed. I write and edit for a living yet I do not put time aside for my personal writing. I have often wondered why and the answer is pretty simple: I am fucking lazy. So, enough is enough. I know it's hard to get motivated after ten or twelve hours of rewriting other people's work and crafting professional pieces of communication; however, it's imperitive that I grit my teeth and just do it.
Part of this is coming from my need to get outside of my comfort zone. I have been very complacent in allowing things to just happen, falsely believing that good things will occur if I just give it more time. My very wise older brother told me recently that he wondered when I would realize that we live a very short life. M, I got it. I totally got it. You are very wise and very smart and I thank the stars that you are here to guide me in the gentle manner that you do. I love you.
Time to get to work.
28 Oct 2010
13 Oct 2010
I Might Have Screwed Up. . .
. . . but that's not me. It's taken me a long time to get here but instead of cutting and running, I've decided to try and work it out. I am not sure if things will work out as I'd like them to; somehow though, I am not sure that's the point. I think at some point I am going to fail and have to reassess but for now I am just going to charge ahead and try and make a go of it.
It's no secret that I am unhappy with my current job. Although I have sent out resumes galore, it seems as though I am destined to stay here and wallow in self-pity. I am going to try and do something radical: I am going to try and make the best of it. Quitting isn't an option and I am doing well financially; I need to wrap my head around the fact that I am a very well-paid babysitter. Many more deep breaths need to be taken and I need to actually spend my lunch hour away from my desk and co-workers.
Working in a toxic environment has taught me to play my cards close to my chest and not reveal anything beyond top level information about my life. I made a mistake once about speaking my mind and it completely backfired on me, almost to the point where I thought I would need to leave. Giving someone that much power over you; I am famous for doing that and it needs to stop.
Going forward I am going to try and remain stoic about my position here and remind myself that it is only when I am outside of this place that I can be myself. It will be a hard lesson to learn but I have to do this otherwise I will go crazy and quit my job like a loser. I am not a loser. I do not quit. I make things work to my advantage, not the other way around. It's time I started making this work for me.
And I know just how to do it. ;)
It's no secret that I am unhappy with my current job. Although I have sent out resumes galore, it seems as though I am destined to stay here and wallow in self-pity. I am going to try and do something radical: I am going to try and make the best of it. Quitting isn't an option and I am doing well financially; I need to wrap my head around the fact that I am a very well-paid babysitter. Many more deep breaths need to be taken and I need to actually spend my lunch hour away from my desk and co-workers.
Working in a toxic environment has taught me to play my cards close to my chest and not reveal anything beyond top level information about my life. I made a mistake once about speaking my mind and it completely backfired on me, almost to the point where I thought I would need to leave. Giving someone that much power over you; I am famous for doing that and it needs to stop.
Going forward I am going to try and remain stoic about my position here and remind myself that it is only when I am outside of this place that I can be myself. It will be a hard lesson to learn but I have to do this otherwise I will go crazy and quit my job like a loser. I am not a loser. I do not quit. I make things work to my advantage, not the other way around. It's time I started making this work for me.
And I know just how to do it. ;)
4 Oct 2010
Less Drama, More Awesomeness
It seems to be a continuing thing with me. The more I try and keep drama out of my life, the more it seems determined to find me. The past few weeks have proven that to me over and again and I am becoming quite tired of the whole thing.
People from my past keep popping up out of nowhere and they all want something from me: forgiveness, understanding, information, etc. Not once have any of these people asked me how I am doing or tried to explain why they treated me the way they did. I certainly did not expect to understand the why's of each situation; the time for explaining and forgiving is long past and will not be an option for any of them. I have closed the door on each one and moved on and I just find it odd that they have the same underlying reason for contacting me: They need me.
The question of whether or not I will help these people is still outstanding. While I have moved on in my brain, my heart is not as forgetful. Part of me wants nothing more than to reach out and help because that is what I do, and another, darker part of me is resisting that urge voraciously. I harbour no ill feelings for any of them regardless of how much they have hurt me through their direct actions and their more subtle attacks; however, I will not allow myself to fall into this trap again.
The issue has never been whether people can change: it's always been whether or not they actually will. It's been my experience that people will feed you whatever bullshit they think you want to hear in order to get what they want from you. I am curious as to why these people who have treated me so poorly think that it's okay to contact me and ask for help. That takes cojones and while I admire the selfishness of their actions I am fairly certain that after they read this blog entry I will most likely never hear from any of them again.
If it turns out that I end up meeting any of them I realize that I will not get the answers I am hoping for; I will be fed whatever line happens to come out at that time. That too is fine with me. By not answering the question, the question is answered.
People from my past keep popping up out of nowhere and they all want something from me: forgiveness, understanding, information, etc. Not once have any of these people asked me how I am doing or tried to explain why they treated me the way they did. I certainly did not expect to understand the why's of each situation; the time for explaining and forgiving is long past and will not be an option for any of them. I have closed the door on each one and moved on and I just find it odd that they have the same underlying reason for contacting me: They need me.
The question of whether or not I will help these people is still outstanding. While I have moved on in my brain, my heart is not as forgetful. Part of me wants nothing more than to reach out and help because that is what I do, and another, darker part of me is resisting that urge voraciously. I harbour no ill feelings for any of them regardless of how much they have hurt me through their direct actions and their more subtle attacks; however, I will not allow myself to fall into this trap again.
The issue has never been whether people can change: it's always been whether or not they actually will. It's been my experience that people will feed you whatever bullshit they think you want to hear in order to get what they want from you. I am curious as to why these people who have treated me so poorly think that it's okay to contact me and ask for help. That takes cojones and while I admire the selfishness of their actions I am fairly certain that after they read this blog entry I will most likely never hear from any of them again.
If it turns out that I end up meeting any of them I realize that I will not get the answers I am hoping for; I will be fed whatever line happens to come out at that time. That too is fine with me. By not answering the question, the question is answered.
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