23 Aug 2011

So Much Lighter Now

It's funny how the world works sometimes. I spend my days wondering what life would be if only I'd taken another road; for example, shutting a door instead of opening it wider, and I am amazed at the feeling I have that even if I did have the power to change things, I probably wouldn't. I believe that things happen for a reason and that if you aren't learning a particular lesson, the universe will keep putting you into the same position until you get it. I know that I have repeatedly made the same errors time and again until one day things just sort of clicked and I saw the situation in a different light. That flash of insight enabled me to avoid making those types of mistakes again. My biggest problem though, is that I am essentially a soft-hearted person who just wants to help people. That trait makes me a target for those who would use that against me to try and make me feel bad about doing the right thing in a difficult situation.

I am fiercely loyal to my friends and would go to great lengths to defend them against harsh words or worse. I remember a time when I took a punch aimed at my friend and when they guy looked at me and started to apologise, I asked him why he would apologise when he meant to hit someone and then, as he stared at me, I asked if he was apologising because he hit me specifically or because he realized he had done something wrong? My friend was stunned that I would do that, and to this day we remain great friends. I didn't want to get hit, but I also knew that if that shot had connected with her, she would have been badly injured as she was half my size. I did what I believe any good person should do: stand up for those who cannot do it for themselves. Therein lies my problem.

I always hope that my actions will somehow rub off on other people, specifically the ones who continually hurt me, but they never do. I end up having to phase them out of my life because I cannot bear to be around them anymore. It's really as simple as that. I don't like cutting people out of my life; I try and leave the door ajar just in case, but I have learned that once people are gone, they are gone. My least favourite part is when the shit they say begins to filter back to me. This is something else people don't realize: the world is actually very small and we are all connected in some way. Most people, when they witness trash-talk about someone who isn't present, if they are not involved, will take note and then pass along the info to the person being trash-talked. In my case, because I am a good person who goes out of her way to help other people, I hear all the bad shit people say about me. I hear it, I digest it, and then I make decisions for my next actions based on what I know of the person slamming me.

I am tired of being an easy target but I refuse to stop being who I am. I have worked very hard to be the person that I am today and I am not going to let others dictate the parameters of my generosity. I will simply let them go.