robot ninja monkeys

What Time Is It?

2012-01-10T11:10:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile, hasn't it? The past four months have been difficult and it seemed at times that life was determined to make me more bitter and cynical than I already am. I have been through a very dark time and have managed to come out the other side a better person with a new understanding of the way things really work. Along the way I made some remarkable discoveries, the least of which still shook me to my core.

It's amazing what happens externally when things fall apart internally. I watched as people drifted away, confused and angry with me, and was awestruck by the love and generosity of those who corralled around me. Those who claimed to love me simply vanished, and although I don't want to say this, I had foolishly hoped that they would stand by me in my time of need and reciprocate the care that I had given them in their time of need. While I lost a few 'friends', my family was especially understanding and both my mother and my brother (which includes his wife as they are a matched pair) offered me unending love and support without asking for any kind of clarification. My partner stood by me throughout the entire ordeal and not once did he complain or balk at the thought of dragging me through another day of existence. Without them, I may not have been able to get through this as relatively unscathed as I did.

It's been a tough road at times and I have made many mistakes along the way; however, I revel in the very real possibility of being able to move forward with a clear head and a light heart. I said a long time ago that one of the few things I wanted from life was to rebuild my family and with their help, it has happened. The safety and security that I have found in my family's devotion to one another has sustained me and helped me overcome a lot of things that might have drowned me.

So Much Lighter Now

2011-08-23T19:02:00.000-04:00

It's funny how the world works sometimes. I spend my days wondering what life would be if only I'd taken another road; for example, shutting a door instead of opening it wider, and I am amazed at the feeling I have that even if I did have the power to change things, I probably wouldn't. I believe that things happen for a reason and that if you aren't learning a particular lesson, the universe will keep putting you into the same position until you get it. I know that I have repeatedly made the same errors time and again until one day things just sort of clicked and I saw the situation in a different light. That flash of insight enabled me to avoid making those types of mistakes again. My biggest problem though, is that I am essentially a soft-hearted person who just wants to help people. That trait makes me a target for those who would use that against me to try and make me feel bad about doing the right thing in a difficult situation.

I am fiercely loyal to my friends and would go to great lengths to defend them against harsh words or worse. I remember a time when I took a punch aimed at my friend and when they guy looked at me and started to apologise, I asked him why he would apologise when he meant to hit someone and then, as he stared at me, I asked if he was apologising because he hit me specifically or because he realized he had done something wrong? My friend was stunned that I would do that, and to this day we remain great friends. I didn't want to get hit, but I also knew that if that shot had connected with her, she would have been badly injured as she was half my size. I did what I believe any good person should do: stand up for those who cannot do it for themselves. Therein lies my problem.

I always hope that my actions will somehow rub off on other people, specifically the ones who continually hurt me, but they never do. I end up having to phase them out of my life because I cannot bear to be around them anymore. It's really as simple as that. I don't like cutting people out of my life; I try and leave the door ajar just in case, but I have learned that once people are gone, they are gone. My least favourite part is when the shit they say begins to filter back to me. This is something else people don't realize: the world is actually very small and we are all connected in some way. Most people, when they witness trash-talk about someone who isn't present, if they are not involved, will take note and then pass along the info to the person being trash-talked. In my case, because I am a good person who goes out of her way to help other people, I hear all the bad shit people say about me. I hear it, I digest it, and then I make decisions for my next actions based on what I know of the person slamming me.

I am tired of being an easy target but I refuse to stop being who I am. I have worked very hard to be the person that I am today and I am not going to let others dictate the parameters of my generosity. I will simply let them go.

This Time, I Mean It. For Realsies.

2011-06-22T14:27:00.000-04:00

I hae written and rewritten this post about a thousand times over the past month. I get ready to post it, and then realize that it isn't what I really wanted to say. I know it's somewhat egotistical of me to assume that people actually want to hear about what I am doing and what my thoughts are on certain subjects. I will continue with that assumption and tell you all about my latest preoccupation: optimism.

I have it really good. I have an amazing partner who is also my best friend, a solid job that pays me well, a great place to live in a good area, and a family that loves me. Add to that great friends, two adorable cats, and a library of comics, books, and video games and there really isn't much to complain about. Really. I am not joking.

Maybe it's because I have beenthrough so much and seen so much happen to others that I am so grateful for what I have. Maybe it's also because I finally let go of the ball of hate that has been inside me for so long and colouring my interactions with other people with a faint wash of red. Although I have not changed my opinion on a lot of things, I can finally say with absolute certainty that I am no longer angry.

I was afraid to let go of it; afraid that if I did, I would lose part of me. I have always associated my inner strength and determination with that anger and hate and the thought of not having it was terrifying because I thought I'd be weak. I see now that the anger and hatred has been holding me back from realizing my true strength and I am finally happy, right through to my core.

I still have plenty to rant about, make no mistake. There doesn't seem to be a shortage of stupid people in the world with whom I have to interact, so topics will be plentiful. I also may have hidden a tiny piece of the anger in my jewellery box, just in case I need it.

Privacy.

2011-04-05T12:39:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about privacy and how hard it is to come by these days. The internet, while useful in a myriad of ways, is also very unforgiving of mistakes and keeps an on-going catalogue of things that should be allowed to fade away gracefully over time. I used to think of myself as a private person and was shown recently that I am, in fact, quite the opposite.

An innocent-looking app on my phone, foursquare, has the potential to let everyone know where I am at all times. The built-in GPS in my phone does the same thing and, if you know how to use it, you can figure out anyone's location to within a metre of where they actually are. That scares me. A lot. To know that by clicking on that app all the people on my facebook account will know where I am at any given time is frightening, but what really keeps me awake at night is knowing that most of those people do not have their account privacy settings as high as I do and so might be leaking my information to anyone who cares to look for it. I realize that was a very long sentence but I am keeping it that way to emphasize the vehemence of the words.

Think about it. Nothing is ever really 'gone' or 'deleted'. It's just removed from that area. I had a blog a few years back when I was going through my horrific divorce and losing my best friend at the same time and I made the mistake of posting some very personal thoughts/ranting and raving like a lunatic about the two of them. I deleted them after because I realized that the internet was no place to work shit out on, but my ex managed to find one of the entries I thought had been deleted. Luckily, his email regarding it was peppered with an incredibly devastating amount of profanity so the two sort of cancelled each other out and had no bearing on the divorce proceedings.

Point is, shit does not get erased from the internet. It remembers everything. Be careful. Big Brother really and truly is watching and if he doesn't like what he sees, he will delete your profile and ban you from facebook. And then how would you build your farm?

I Did It

2011-03-18T16:23:00.000-04:00

I quit my second job. As soon as I recover from the punishing brutality of the sleep deprivation I have been putting myself through for the past few months, I will write something witty and fabulous.

There Should Be More Hours in the Day

2011-02-24T16:11:00.000-05:00

I have not had much time for anything lately. I have a stack of comics still unread from three weeks ago, a pile of laundry that I suspect is becoming sentient, and a bajillion other things that I need to attend to but haven't. Why? Because I am a lazy shit.

I recently took a second job in order to pay the bills. Since my ex left, it's been a bit of a struggle to pay everything on time. So far I have been able to do it but I am beginning to fall behind on other things such as my personal writing. I know exactly what my excuses are and why I make them; however, despite their validity, the fact remains that my main problem is that there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to get everything done that I would like to.

In all seriousness though, I am behind in a few of my projects whose deadlines are looming over me. I have been neglecting a myriad of things this past little while and I am going to change that. I have time to write; I really do, I just use that time to do other, less important things. There are so many writing opportunities out there that are passing me by because I have my head buried in my silly full-time job that I am unhappy with. Ugh. I don't want to go back into all that. Enough moaning about shit I can't change right now. Time to make my personal time count for something.

Tonight is all about catching up, or at least making a plan to do so. Or maybe just thinking about making a plan to do it. Then again, maybe I'll just do it tomorrow after a good night's sleep....

This Time Will Be Different, I Swear

2011-01-26T09:33:00.003-05:00

Last night was my first shift back at the strip club I tended bar at roughly two years ago. I was asked to pick up a couple of shifts here and there, and because I am friends with most of the waitstaff I agreed. Doesn't hurt that the money is really good, either. It was weird for about the first hour and then it was like a fog lifted and I got into a rhythm. See, the tricky part here is that people move around within the club, so when someone at table 41 orders a beer, they may not stay at table 41 and it's up to you to find them, give them their beer, and get paid. I quickly remembered how I did this before and the night was a success, if you want to measure it in money and forget about such things as not spending time time with loved ones or sleep.

I am at my day job right now and while I am not doing too badly, I wonder how the fuck I did this before. I worked two full time jobs: a typical 9a-5p shift at a respectable office and a 7p-2a shift 5 times a week at the club. I had money because I didn't have time to spend it. My life is different now in that I don't want to kill myself working two jobs just to have money in the bank. That way lies madness, and I have more than enough of that already without adding sleep deprivation to the mix.

For now I am content with working a shift or two a week. With the amount of people on the roster, I can't imagine I would get any more that anyway and that suits me just fine. My writing is going strong and I am hoping to have my book ready to submit by the end of next week. Fingers crossed; they asked for it so hopefully they will like what I have written.

I am tired but I feel like things are moving in the right direction. I have made a few major decisions this past week and I am confident in what I have chosen to do with my life and the direction in which I wish to go. That's one thing I will say about life; it's never boring as long as you are willing to put forth an effort.

Drama-free in 3...2...1...

2011-01-18T15:42:00.002-05:00

Every single time I post here, people email me to either tell me how upset they are with whatever I've written or to make sure I'm not talking specifically about them. The last time I checked, this is my blog. If you don't like something you are reading, be an adult and stop reading. Don't email me to give me shit because I am venting and you feel like it's all about you. Chances are, you and I have already had that conversation and I am just getting rid of residual anger. It really and truly isn't a big deal until you email me to tell me you read my blog and ask me to explain myself.

I have a sharp tongue and little to no filter. I know this, my friends know this, and people whom I've just met know this. I am baffled by people's reactions to me when they ask my opinion and I give it to them undiluted and un-prettified: they just stare at me shaking their heads asking why I am so mean to them. You asked me what I thought, remember? Silly me, I thought you wanted honesty, not someone to parrot back what they think you want to hear. If that's what you are after, then holy shit did you ever ask the wrong person.

Clearly I am having a trying day and dealing with people who have little-to-no common sense. If you need to requisition a cheque, do you just email accounting and ask for the money? No, you need to provide back-up, proof if you will, that the amount you are asking for is legitimate and pertinent to a job you are involved in. It is not up to me to get that information: you want the money, you provide the back up I need in order to get it. If you don't, then I am not going to produce money out of thin air with no paper trail. I have enough to do without trying to sort out other people's regional budgets.

That's just a tiny frustrating slice of my day but I am happy to say it isn't all bad; a very wonderful and amazing thing has happened to me and while I'm keeping it to myself for now, suffice to say that it's been a long time time coming and I am happy that it's finally here.

No, I am not pregnant. Jerks.

Maybe I Should Have Waited. . .

2011-01-11T11:23:00.002-05:00

A little while back I made a decision. I was given a gift during the holidays that struck me as a bit inappropriate, yet due to 'good manners' I kept my mouth shut for fear of offending. It is an awesome gift, one that would have been perfect had the situation been a bit different and I felt strongly about giving it back. I told a couple of people I was going to do just that; I was going to either take it back to the store it came from or ask the person who gave it to me to come and get it. Then I made a different decision: I opened the gift and put it together.

I feel I should have given it back; by keeping it I made it seem as though such actions were welcome when they aren't. I know that the right thing to do would have been to give it back and by not doing that, I have potentially opened a door that I did not wish to.

By deciding to keep it, I have shown that I can be bought. Regardless of how ridiculous that sounds, the fact remains that I should have given back, not acted like a five-year-old and torn open the box to put it together.

I am disappointed in myself.

New Year?

2010-12-27T16:06:00.002-05:00

I am not one of those people who needs to wait for New Year's Eve to begin a new leg of my personal journey. In fact, I don't make resolutions or lists of things I want to accomplish or anything akin to that. I find it a waste of my time and to be honest, most people I know that do make resolutions or lists usually fall short and then begin a slow downward spiral of regret that lasts until the nest New Year's Eve. I just don't have time for that.

I know what my goals are and I know what I need to do in order to accomplish them. The fact of the matter is, I have done many of the things that I have set out to do and by doing so I continue to raise the bar on what I hope to achieve in the future. For me, the start of a new year isn't so much about what I want to accomplish in a year's time, it's about where I want to be NOW. The future will come; there is no stopping it. What I want is to be safe and secure in the now. The future will take care of itself.

Having said that, I am surrounded by people who constantly challenge me to be a better person and who continually push me to do more on a personal level. These people are my friends and I love them with every ounce of my being. Without them I would not be half the person I am today and without my beloved brother I would not have had half the courage to recognize it.

Happy New Year.

Another Year Gone

2010-12-14T05:35:00.002-05:00

This past weekend was one of the best I have had in a very long time. I had a birthday party and my friends built me a pirate ship out of meat. That's right; out of meat. Sixteen pounds of meat went into this things and WE ATE IT ALL.

I received a number of things that really resonated within me. I am not talking presents, although they were good too. My friends, I realized, actually know me and understand me. I wanted a nice low-key hang-out with booze and meat and that's precisely what I got. They planned the whole thing: I merely opened the door for them. A couple of things really stood out for me though: my brother and his wife came early because they brought my beloved Oscar and Daphne back to me. Since I am now single, there is no reason I can't have them around as I am not allergic. I was able to have a fantastic conversation with them and get the cats settled before everyone else showed up. We usually communicate through email so it was great to be able to actually talk to them. They stayed as long as they could but because of the long drive they left early. It was really great to see them though and my brother and I were able to share a few laughs before they left.

I had an awesome birthday. I am so thankful to have people in my life who understand me and who accept me for who I am. I don't know of too many other people who can boast of such friends. Sixteen pounds of meat built into a pirate ship, done just for me. You just can't ask for better friends than that.

The Thing About Being Single

2010-12-08T10:22:00.002-05:00

It isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, there are moments where I feel pangs of loneliness because I am used to having people around me all the time, but I am adjusting. I feel awful admitting that; seems like there should be an adjustment period of x months before I am allowed to say that, but that's how I feel. I come home, make dinner, watch tv or download something ridiculous, and go to bed. I have settled into a routine built for one and it's actually working for me.

I am dealing with with work a lot better now. I guess without the added stress hanging over me I am now free to actually deal with things at work instead of merely enduring them. While I am still not happy in my job, my brain is able to focus more clearly on the tasks I need to complete.

Don't misunderstand my new found stability; I have moments at work where I break down and mourn the loss of what I thought would last forever. I temper those moments with the knowledge that I did the right thing. While it hurt like hell, I understand that life is full of painful moments and that happiness is contained within the spaces between each pain-filled episode.

My birthday is on Saturday and I originally cancelled my party because I did not think I wanted people around for it. I have since changed my mind and have opened my home to a few people for some low-level revelry. My brother is bringing my cats home to me this weekend and will join me for my birthday for the first time in years. While I know there will be moments throughout the night where I am sad, I am anticipating being surrounded by people who love me to get me through it.

Well, that and copious amounts of gin.

An Update of Sorts

2010-12-01T11:17:00.002-05:00

My boyfriend and I have parted ways. He has already moved his things out of the apartment we shared and I am trying to move on. I have a lot of wonderful people around who want nothing more than to make things better for me, but I think I need to just be alone for a while. I don't want to be caught up in my pain and I am trying to remember that it will get better, but for now I just want to hermit.

Needless to say, I did not get my novel done in time for NaNoWriMo. I am not disappointed though; I tried my best and unfortunately I just couldn't get it done. That's okay, I am still writing and will continue to do so despite the bits of angst that creep in when it's late and I've been drinking.

I don't really want to harp on recent events. I am not angry, he isn't either, and while it's a shitty situation, we both understand what led us to this point. It isn't a great situation but it's a hell of a lot better than some of my previous break-up's.

Anyway. There is a giant bottle of gin calling my name and I must surrender to its siren song.

It's Your Decision, Really

2010-11-25T09:39:00.002-05:00

I understand that people are going to procreate. I get it, that's fine, do what you want. I don't look down on people for making the decision to have children and in return I expect that they will not look down on me because I choose not to have children. I don't expect to be given a seat on the subway because I don't need one. I am neither pregnant nor elderly and can stand all the way to my destination if need be. I will offer my seat to one of the above groups of people if there are none available; however, if there are vacant seats and that person chooses instead to stand over me and glare because they want MY seat, well then they can just go fuck themselves.

Yesterday, I watched a pregnant woman shame an elderly man with a cane because he took the last vacant seat on the subway. How does that work? She looked to be in her 20's and could most certainly stand for the three-stop duration of her trip. The old man could barely walk, but because she is with child she expected him to let her sit down. Fuck that shit. I really wanted to verbally intervene but instead I stepped on her foot. Oops.

Choosing to have children does not give one the right to make the rest of us pay for it. You decide to have a baby? Good for you. Do not expect me to help you wrangle your immense stroller laden with child and your purse and your groceries and all the rest of the shit that you bought because that isn't going to happen. You are responsible for your own shit which includes figuring out how to get that massive stroller on and off the bus. Alone.

Alternatively, I love the women on the subway who strap their babies to them, thus negating the need for a stroller. These women are smart; they teach their children to walk and then MAKE THEM DO SO. They don't play around with toddlers in strollers; that shit does not fly with them. They tell their kids straight up: you want to go somewhere? Walk.

I just re-read this and realized that I sound like a complete a total c-unit. Perfect.

What the Fuck Just Happened

2010-11-22T10:22:00.002-05:00

I have had a bit of a shake up recently; something has happened to make me realize a bunch of different things. They are all variations of the same theme: I am an idiot. Seriously. Don't misunderstand; this is not me asking for compliments, this is me finally accepting that I keep making the same mistakes.

Although I am grappling with an enormous personal situation, I am expected by those around me to put on a brave face and pretend that things are great. This morning though, I'd had enough and that expectation was shattered. when I was asked how I am doing, I answered truthfully. 'Not great'. When the person started back, puzzled, I offered that I had just recently had a death in my family and that it was a difficult time. Again, the other person was at a loss as to what to say to me.

Honesty is a difficult value to practice. I catch myself in many small fabrications during the course of my daily life and this morning when I didn't blur the truth and answered the question, 'How are you?' with exactly how I really was doing, a strange thing happened: I felt better.

Now if I could just get that feeling to pay rent, I'd be fine.

So I Blew Up Our Ship

2010-11-14T10:43:00.003-05:00

A few things have happened since my last post. I can't really talk about them because I am still wrestling with what they might ultimately mean. Having said that, I can happily report that I am still keeping up with the word count for NaNoWriMo and I am very proud of that. What I can and will talk about is something both delightful and entertaining. Because I am both of those things.

I recently joined a group of guys who are currently playing Warhammer 40K: Dark Heresy the role-playing game, not the table-top. I haven't played an RPG in years, and I am finding it very interesting with the variety of things my character can do. My character is a Tech Priest named 42 who has no idea of why he is involved with the current group of Inquisitors. I am having a blast exploring the innocence of my character while also figuring out how the game mechanics work. Its also a really good opportunity for me to get out of the house and do something that I enjoy. We meet once a week and play for roughly 8 hours. Let me tell you, those hours fly by while playing and every time we stop, I have a moment of 'dammit, why can't we just stay here and play straight through to Monday?'

Onto yesterday. So, my character really has clue about things like combat and can't really take a punch. 42 is a very delicate being who wants only to communicate with the machine spirit and if necessary, blow people up from a distance. He is very good at hacking which is why I think the others tolerate him. He can do things with machines and computers that the others cannot and he is constantly surprising them with his talents. Except for yesterday. He might be in trouble.

To make a long story short, 42 was supposed to be assisting with capturing data from a spaceship that was stranded in the middle of nowhere. He ripped his Void-suit and injured himself and was sent back to the ship. Strike one. He gets onto the ship and discovers a plot to kill his teammates but doesn't know how to communicate that because he has no fellowship skills. Strike two. Then, the traitorous pilot shackles 42 and disables his mechadendrites (robotic helper-tentacles that can smash through things and carry shit and are very useful) and pistol-whips him, confusing him further. The pilot forces 42 to issue the restart information to his teammates who are on the other ship and have no clue what's going on. Finally, one of his teammates kind of suspects that things aren't going according to plan and in the process of people being shot at by the traitorous prick who is piloting our ship and 42 managing to get free and turn on the robot sentries still on the ship, the pilot ends up getting pasted across the inside of the cockpit which then erupts in a huge fire. Strike three.

It ended up alright, but the fact that remains that 42 is single-handedly responsible for fucking things up every single time shit goes down. I already have my freak-out speech ready for they get back to the ship and start screaming at 42 for blowing up the ship. It will be epic.

So, when things happen in real life I can always remember that at least I didn't blow up the escape ship. Yet.

I Fucking Give Up

2010-11-11T16:47:00.002-05:00

I am absolutely furious right now. I am at work and sent out an email asking for a volunteer to help design a flyer for our upcoming Awards competition. I recieved a response and forwarded it on to the committee, mistakenly omitting one person and adding another. I also made the mistake of saying that I thought the person who had submitted was completely qualified and that I'd like to ask her to design something for the Awards.

Well.

The Awards Chair immediately emailed me and informed me of my error in leaving the one person off and adding the other and told me that she 'knows that I mean well but an opinion such as the one submitted by me should really come from her as she is the Chair.'

Really. Should have come from the Chair. The same woman who cannot get her shit together enough to provide me with the documents I need in time for our monthly meetings and who then says it's my fault that they are not distributed. The same woman who is so process-oriented that nothing gets done.

I am so mad right now, I am shaking. Fuck these people. I don't want to be Executive Director, I don't want to help them further their association. I am just going to keep my fucking mouth shut and watch them sink. It seems every time I turn around, there's something else that I have done wrong.

And it isn't as if I can't take it when I err. All I ask is that there be some kind of accompanying constructive criticism. When I deal with these people, I feel like I am dealing with my step-father: when I get close to doing something right, they change the rules to make sure I'm wrong.

I have already withdrawn from the various commitees I am currently helping out on. Let's see what happens when I'm not there to fix their fucking mistakes. No more editing their emails, no more researching things, no more extra's. They don't deserve the amount of work I do.

NaNoWriMo Strikes Again

2010-10-28T09:50:00.002-04:00

I am going to attempt to do this again this year. Last year I failed utterly; although it's hard to really fail something that isn't judged by anyone other than yourself. Last year I wrote approximately 2, 023 words and I was very proud of those words. Each one was carefully selected and arranged in a specific sequence to match exactly what I was thinking at the time. Since no one was standing over my shoulder, I slacked off and didn't finish. Sigh. This year will be different though.

The point of this whole thing, for me anyway, is to prove that I can apply myself to something and succeed. I write and edit for a living yet I do not put time aside for my personal writing. I have often wondered why and the answer is pretty simple: I am fucking lazy. So, enough is enough. I know it's hard to get motivated after ten or twelve hours of rewriting other people's work and crafting professional pieces of communication; however, it's imperitive that I grit my teeth and just do it.

Part of this is coming from my need to get outside of my comfort zone. I have been very complacent in allowing things to just happen, falsely believing that good things will occur if I just give it more time. My very wise older brother told me recently that he wondered when I would realize that we live a very short life. M, I got it. I totally got it. You are very wise and very smart and I thank the stars that you are here to guide me in the gentle manner that you do. I love you.

Time to get to work.

I Might Have Screwed Up. . .

2010-10-13T16:03:00.003-04:00

. . . but that's not me. It's taken me a long time to get here but instead of cutting and running, I've decided to try and work it out. I am not sure if things will work out as I'd like them to; somehow though, I am not sure that's the point. I think at some point I am going to fail and have to reassess but for now I am just going to charge ahead and try and make a go of it.

It's no secret that I am unhappy with my current job. Although I have sent out resumes galore, it seems as though I am destined to stay here and wallow in self-pity. I am going to try and do something radical: I am going to try and make the best of it. Quitting isn't an option and I am doing well financially; I need to wrap my head around the fact that I am a very well-paid babysitter. Many more deep breaths need to be taken and I need to actually spend my lunch hour away from my desk and co-workers.

Working in a toxic environment has taught me to play my cards close to my chest and not reveal anything beyond top level information about my life. I made a mistake once about speaking my mind and it completely backfired on me, almost to the point where I thought I would need to leave. Giving someone that much power over you; I am famous for doing that and it needs to stop.

Going forward I am going to try and remain stoic about my position here and remind myself that it is only when I am outside of this place that I can be myself. It will be a hard lesson to learn but I have to do this otherwise I will go crazy and quit my job like a loser. I am not a loser. I do not quit. I make things work to my advantage, not the other way around. It's time I started making this work for me.

And I know just how to do it. ;)

Less Drama, More Awesomeness

2010-10-04T09:55:00.002-04:00

It seems to be a continuing thing with me. The more I try and keep drama out of my life, the more it seems determined to find me. The past few weeks have proven that to me over and again and I am becoming quite tired of the whole thing.

People from my past keep popping up out of nowhere and they all want something from me: forgiveness, understanding, information, etc. Not once have any of these people asked me how I am doing or tried to explain why they treated me the way they did. I certainly did not expect to understand the why's of each situation; the time for explaining and forgiving is long past and will not be an option for any of them. I have closed the door on each one and moved on and I just find it odd that they have the same underlying reason for contacting me: They need me.

The question of whether or not I will help these people is still outstanding. While I have moved on in my brain, my heart is not as forgetful. Part of me wants nothing more than to reach out and help because that is what I do, and another, darker part of me is resisting that urge voraciously. I harbour no ill feelings for any of them regardless of how much they have hurt me through their direct actions and their more subtle attacks; however, I will not allow myself to fall into this trap again.

The issue has never been whether people can change: it's always been whether or not they actually will. It's been my experience that people will feed you whatever bullshit they think you want to hear in order to get what they want from you. I am curious as to why these people who have treated me so poorly think that it's okay to contact me and ask for help. That takes cojones and while I admire the selfishness of their actions I am fairly certain that after they read this blog entry I will most likely never hear from any of them again.

If it turns out that I end up meeting any of them I realize that I will not get the answers I am hoping for; I will be fed whatever line happens to come out at that time. That too is fine with me. By not answering the question, the question is answered.

Why Do I Write?

2010-09-18T08:27:00.003-04:00

I have been asking myself 'why' a lot lately. 'Why do I do this?' and 'Why am I okay with that?' are questions that pop up all the time. I finally feel as though I can start to answer them, even if the answer themselves are not fully complete.

For instance, why do I write? Why do I have this overwhelming need to string words together and sell my creations to whomever will buy them? Why do I write this blog that hardly anyone reads? Because I have to. I am writer and I cannot not write. I have so many ideas rolling around in my head, so many half-finished stories and partially thought out plots, that if I do nothing with them, they will slowly drive me mad. I have had a nodding acquaintance with madness and while I enjoyed the freedom it brought, I was not a fan of the wriggly feelings that accompanied it. So, back to 'why'.

'Why' is a tricky question, no matter what parameters you attach to it. 'Why' opens up a whole new way of thinking, a whole new way of dealing with things. Provided you are ready for the answers, 'why' will free you from an old way of being. For me, asking myself 'why' has provided me with a new outlook on the reasons for my choices. Like writing.

Writing for me has always been an escape; a way for me to forget about the various problems I encounter and people I wish I'd never met. I credit writing for helping me process and heal from my divorce and loss of my then-best friend. If I didn't have my writing, I might not have made the decisions I did and might have ended up in a very different and very dark place. Putting words on paper, either literally or metaphorically, helped me realize that I needed to cut certain people out of my life and stop trying so damn hard to talk to them. It isn't always necessary to have your voice heard or to get closure: by insisting that you want those things, you are allowing other people to dictate whether you are successful or not. Once I asked myself the question 'Why do I need closure so badly?', I was able to figure out that I just wanted to be able to walk away. By writing down the conversation as I would have liked it to be, I was able to do so. I suspect that my subsequent withdrawal from those I was trying to talk to was confusing because they enjoyed watching me bang my head against the wall.

Writing for me has always been a way for me to work things out and to process difficulties that I may be facing. If I didn't write, I would have a very hard time dealing with things. I have a special folder that holds my personal writing that includes things that don't make it onto my website and are not sent out to prospective clients. Having that slice of personal writing that is all mine allows me to focus on the task at hand and lets me be free to be creative.

I don't know what drives other writers. I just know what drives me.

Where Do I Start?

2010-08-31T13:08:00.002-04:00

I have been trying to figure something out for the longest time and I think I finally understand now. Life is not about who you know or what you do or how much you have. It's about exploiting those around you in such a way that they end up thanking you for the opportunity.

Hmm. Sounds really terrible when it just sits there in print. It made much more sense in my head.

Humans Suck

2010-08-17T10:16:00.002-04:00

Every morning that I take the bus to work, I see the same woman get on with her four children. This might seem like no big deal but listen: this woman manages to wrangle four kids every morning and get them out the door in time to catch the bus. Four. I have a hard time getting my boyfriend out of bed, and here's this woman with her four kids getting to the bus on time every day. Geez. We have missed the bus a few times due to him meandering instead of getting his shit together. I marvel each and every time she gets on at how well behaved they are. They sit down close to her, no whining, and the older ones either read or talk quietly with her until they reach their stop. Just an absolute wonder to behold. It seems though, that my wonderment is not shared by other patrons of the bus, you know, the public transportation vehicle that everybody's taxes pay for. This is why people suck.

The woman with four kids gets ready to get off the bus. She stands up, unlocks the wheels of the stroller, and walks backwards to the front of the bus where her other two children are. We get to the stop, the two small children hop off and a very large woman tries to get on, sees the stroller, huffs, and gets off. The woman with the stroller backs off the bus and tries to move away from the door of the bus but can't. Why? BECAUSE THE OTHER WOMAN IS BLOCKING HER. Finally, the other woman gets it and moves, and stroller lady walks away with her kids. As the other woman gets on the bus, she says to the driver, loud enough for everyone including stroller lady to hear, 'People shouldn't come to this country and have so many children for everyone else to pay for.'

I'm sorry, what? Who shouldn't come to this country and have so many children? The Japanese woman with four kids whose husband sees her off before going to work? Or the very rude enormous black woman who was on her way to Wal-mart? Wow. Just. . . wow.

Let me guess, I am being racist for saying all of this because I am white, right? Let me tell you something: rude people are all the same. They are RUDE. I don't give a shit about most people because the majority of them suck and this just illustrates my point perfectly. Why is it okay for people to say things like that? I couldn't retort even though I wanted to because I was afraid of her playing the race card. People like that just wait for someone to confront them so they can say it's a hate crime. Fuck that shit and fuck that woman. She is the reason there are so many stereotypes about her culture and she does nothing to stop it.

Honestly, I don't give a shit about what anyone says. Rudeness has no colour, no race, and no sex. Rude people are all the same regardless of where they originate from. We are all immigrants in this country; each of us originally came from somewhere else and it's time people realized that and stopped being so fucking intolerant of others.

Except me. I am awesome and I don't need to tolerate other people's shit, especially if I disagree with it.

It's Over Already?

2010-08-15T10:08:00.003-04:00

It's amazing how quickly time passes when I am not at work. Ten days just whooshed by and here I am preparing to go back to work tomorrow and face a shit-storm. Here's how it went down: the boy and I decided to go camping. We gathered our gear, bought the food and booze, rented a car, and off we went. I told everyone in my office that I would not be able to respond to any messages until we returned. Right in the middle of the trip, I get a message telling me that one of our clients did not renew their contract and would be pulling out November 9. This was not a surprise, and I was more than a little shocked to hear that the office was upset about it. These are the same clients who, for the past year or so, have not paid my company for services rendered above and beyond the scope of the contract. People in my office have been complaining that they are working for nothing, even though they still get their paycheques, and now they claim to be upset at losing the client that wasn't generating any income for the company? Maybe it's me, but I just don't see what the problem is. Not having their shit to deal with means we can focus on our clients that do pay.

More than that though, is why on earth my office thought it was a good idea to call me while on vacation to tell me this. I am, quite frankly, very surprised that I was informed while on vacation. The whole office knew that I needed time away from this shit, so why did they call me and tell me? Because they are women, that's why. It doesn't matter that I have never taken more than an extended weekend off in the past four years I have worked there. What matters is that I wasn't there and they had to deal with the shit themselves instead of shucking it onto me. So they did the next best thing: attempted to ruin my vacation. What they didn't count on though, was my bitchiness surfacing before my compassion.

It's not that I don't care about the lost client; I do. I understand that this is more of a morale issue than a dollars and cents issue and that losing a client makes your employees wary. Despite that, I ignored the call. I sent a quick message letting the office know I got their email and shut off my phone. Then we went to the beach and frolicked in the water because we were on vacation. Remember? VACATION. Geez.

My vacation was amazing, despite the obvious attempts of my office-mates to ruin it. I didn't set my alarm at all and was not woken up once by texts or facebook messages. Tomorrow, though, I go back to work. I am not looking forward to it because I am not in the right place anymore. I need a change, I need something different and although I have a plan, I know it won't be a quick and easy process. Losing this client has shown me that the company I work for might not be the best fit for me, simply because there were a few key things that could have been done to prevent them from leaving. Things that my boss should have seen and acted on and didn't. Because of that, I can safely assume that she was prepared to let this client go but wanted them to sever ties. Kind of like making your boy- or girlfriend hate you so they break up with you because you are too chicken to say the words. Not the kind of behaviour I expected from my boss, someone I used to look up to.

I am more than a little disappointed with the way this whole thing was handled. Then again, it isn't my company and I have no say in the way it is run. That being said, I certainly do not need to stay in a environment where situations such as this arise.

So Very Close

2010-08-04T16:21:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of things that bother me. People who throw their trash on the floor of buses and subways, people who don't give their seats to a wretchedly old man/woman, and people who take their strollers on the bus first thing in the morning during rush hour. (*fist raised, shaking in anger) I think that perhaps one of the things that fills me completely and utterly with rage each time I am confronted by it is when people who are normally smart act dumb to either get out of doing something or to avoid being caught doing something they know they shouldn't have done.

I am sitting here at work trying to get shit done so I can finally go on VACATION (which I haven't done in about 3 years, fuckholes) and I am doing all I can not to punch people out. Not only did the boss' son waltz in, to check up on everybody because he is a piece of trash, but he stopped by my desk to 'have a quick chat'. I hate this guy. Seriously. He is like every other white, privileged piece of shit that watches 'Jersey Shores'. Ugh. So he wants to chat. To me. Knowing how busy I am because he knows that I am going on vacation, he starts to ask me questions about where I am going and who I am going with. After a minute or so of no response from me, he reminds me that his mom pays me. I snap my head around and say,'That's right, fuckface, YOUR MOM pays me. Now, either make yourself useful and get me a coffee or get the fuck out of my face and let me work so YOUR MOM can continue to pay your tuition.' He left without getting me coffee. Sigh. I really wanted a coffee, too.

Now, I have a bit of a temper and usually I can keep it under control. Today however, I was not in the mood to play nice with this guy because he's a waste of carbon. I have had enough of people trying to tell me what to do and make me feel bad for questioning their motives. Enough is enough. He stared at me, open-mouthed, with a look of 'you can't say things like that to me. My mom employs you'. Guess what? I can and I will because when you stand so very close behind me while I am trying to work, it's both invasive and creepy. And I am pretty sure your mom would not like that, considering that she is an advocate for women's rights. Imagine how she'd feel, knowing her prized son is actually a douche-bag who likes to try and cow women. He's done that to a few women in the office already and I refuse to put up with that shit. I have enough creepy shit in my life without dealing with that shit at work too.

I have had enough of people. This vacation cannot come soon enough.

Really? You Actually Believe That?

2010-07-28T10:20:00.000-04:00

I am able to do something very strange and weird. It's called 'have a conversation and not necessarily have to make sure the other person agrees with me at all times'. Because I lack the gene responsible for making sure everyone around me agrees with me 100%, I don't usually get into conversations with people simply because of the level of frustration I experience.

While at work, I overheard a snippet of conversation and before I even opened my mouth I knew this would only end in tears. One of my co-workers was having difficulty with her email. For some reason, it wasn't loading and instead of doing the normal troubleshooting suggestion (restart), she decided to fly into the IT guy's office and yell at him. Because clearly, it's his fault. To his credit, he sat there and took the stream of verbal abuse and when it was done, he asked her if she had restarted her computer. That set her off even more, as essentially she feels she shouldn't have to restart; her email should just magically boot up all the time no matter how old and outdated our system is.

She came into my office afterwards, just to bitch and complain. After she vented, I asked her if she knew how old the system was. She didn't and when I told her, her response was, 'So what? It's not my problem the owners can't put more money into upgrading. How are we supposed to do our jobs when we don't have the correct tools?'

Good point. I agreed and said that despite that fact, I thought her anger was misdirected and that if she felt that strongly she should take it up with the boss and not the IT guy. He does the best he can with what he has.

You know when you point out something to someone and you think that they understand because they nod their head and move away without saying anything but then it turns out later that they actually disagree with what you said but didn't want to say because then that would cause a CONFLICT and everyone knows that CONFLICTS cannot be resolved by talking.

I found out a little later on purely by accident that she didn't agree. I walked into her area and she was trashing me to my co-workers. I waited until she was finished and then cleared my throat. When she turned around, I said to her that if she didn't agree with me that was fine but that I would have respected her a lot more had she just told me then. I waited to give her an opportunity to say something and when she didn't, I said that she was probably so quiet right now because her mouth only works when the person she should be talking to is not in the room.

Looking back, I probably should not have said that; however, I am really tired of the amount of backstabbing there is in my office. What do you expect from a group of women though? Solidarity? Friendship? Hell, no. These bitches are all out for one thing: making others look bad so they look good because they cannot do their jobs. Although we are all supposed to be supporting one another, that simply does not happen. It's another case of women being competitive in a situation that does not merit that type of suspicion.

I don't know how many times I have said that I have no desire to repeat the high school experience in my professional life. Unfortunately because I work in an office I am at the mercy of other people. I either need a serious vacation or a change of employment. I realize that similar situations will arise no matter where I work but honestly there has to be something better than this. I am tired of back-stabbing bullshit.

My Aching Head

2010-07-24T10:20:00.000-04:00

Part of the trouble is that I think too much. I am constantly over-analyzing and comparing, cross-checking and extracting. Why all the fuss? Girls. I just don't understand girls.

At the risk of sounding like a teenage boy lamenting to his friends about the lack of action from his girlfriend, let me explain. Last night I was privileged to spend a few hours with a woman I don't really know very well. On a whim, I invited her over for dinner and few other friends over for movies and cocktails afterwards. She and I talked about the various things we'd each been through and seen; a sort of comparison of our accumulated scars, so to speak. There were startling similarities between our two lives which I found quite interesting. Even though we had had vastly different upbringings, attended completely opposite schools and made choices based on those two things, we had also had similar experiences with girls. As in, they suck and should be sterilized at birth. And by sterilizing I mean mouths sewn shut so they can't spew their trash-talk.

If I look hard enough and drink enough red bull and espresso, I could probably tie every major upheaval in my life back to a girl. I know for a fact that my last major emotional breakdown was directly tied to the actions of a girl. (Why am I using 'girl' when I should be using 'woman'? Because these females are not mature enough to warrant the correct term. They are still locked in grade 10, fighting to hold onto their tenuous position as 'best-looking girl in the school' or 'weirdest chick in grade 11' or whatever they think they had back then. Even though school ended many years ago, these people cannot seem to let go of certain things and accept that the world moves forward, not sideways, and pretty soon they will be in their twilight years and wonder where the time went.) Sounds crazy I know, but it's true. I know of a few others in my situation who feel the same way. People who latch onto things you are passionate about and then run with it when they see how much attention they get. It's the same shit all over again.

In my case, I was betrayed by someone who is not even on my radar anymore. Am I upset still? Hell yes. What she did to me was terrible and if I had my way I would beat the shit out of her, nurse her back to health, then beat the shit out of her again. The things she did are not easily forgotten nor are they in the realm of things a person can do to me that I can forgive. Because I am a woman and not a girl, I realize that she has her own situation that she is dealing with. She is inside her own misery that she made for herself and nothing I could ever do to her could be worse. So, I leave her to it.

Talking with other women, I am realizing more and more that girls grew up as I did: bullied by the 'pretty girls' and made to feel like a piece of shit because we read comics instead of Sweet Valley High books. It's a small group, granted, and I think that's because women are taught at an early age to try and fit in no matter the cost to their souls. Now that I am older and better positioned to defend myself, I find that the game has changed. I understand that this was bound to happen; no one can stay stagnant for too long because society pulls you along, kicking and screaming, regardless of where you want to be. I accept the truth that sometimes people just suck and I can't take it personally but I just can't figure out why girls want to hurt me so much.

Pain is part of life. I get that. What I don't get is the amount of 'we-are-all-sisters' bullshit that women throw around and then in the next breath they are fucking their best friend's husband behind her back. What exactly is that anyway? What does that show about our supposed female-solidarity?

I'l tell you what it means. It means that every woman is on her own until she can find like-minded others to surround her. That process can take years and the worst part is that even after years of being friends with someone, they can still turn on you quick as an asp. You just never know. And that, not global-warming, not food shortages, that specific truth fills me with despair every time I contemplate it. Not because of the amount of pain that it holds for me personally, but because of the fact that I can trust no woman ever again with anything close to my heart. This is the time of my life where I am supposed to have this all figured out; I am supposed to have a close circle of girlfriends that I can count on and while there are a couple of women that I hold dear, I am still wary. And that fucking sucks.

Deal of a Lifetime

2010-07-07T16:12:00.001-04:00

I have just made the biggest deal of my life with the most important person in my life. . . myself. Yes, I realize how incredibly narcissistic this is and for now I am embracing it. You see, I have spent far too much time taking care of the people around me and not enough time taking care of myself. I have spent a couple of months cutting back on the amount of time spent on others and have rediscovered certain things about myself. In the process, I have lost almost 20 pounds, am sleeping better, and can run 5 miles again. (That's approximately 8 k for those who care. Not even close to what I was running before; however, a very good start.)

In the past few months I have had serious bouts of self-doubt to the point where I nearly quit my job. It's become more bearable since I decided to do things for myself and let others fend off their own demons. Not saying I am not there for my friends; I am just not fixing things for them anymore. It's one thing to have a chat with someone and listen to their worries and quite another to have the burden of making things work out for them placed squarely on your shoulders. I am not saying that I had no other option but to take on this role. What I am saying is that now I understand that it's not my place to fix things for other people. I am responsible for my own life and my own choices and I need to let other people make their mistakes as they will.

That sounds really grown-up, doesn't it? It's very hard for me to sit back and watch while others flounder. I want nothing more than to step up and take over and make things a-okay but I can't. I have responsibilities to myself that include going to the gym and writing in my spare time. I can make time for the gym but I am still having a hard time figuring out where I can squeeze in a few extra hours for writing. Maybe I will need to get up early? Maybe take my laptop to work and write over my lunch hour? I don't know when it will happen but I do know that eventually it will happen.

Right??

I Need to STFU

2010-06-30T10:38:00.000-04:00

I realize that the recent events of the G20 have left certain questions unanswered about the way the situation was handled. I get that some people were wrongfully detained and treated less than stellar by the police. I also understand that many people who protested sincerely believed in what they were protesting for and for that, I applaud them. What I do not applaud and will not stand for is the fact that I have been told countless time to shut the fuck up and not to have an opinion because I. . . wasn't there.

That's right. Because I stayed the hell out of the downtown core due to the high probability of dischord, I have been told on more than one occasion that I cannot possibly have an opinion because I was not physically there and did not witness the 'horror' that our beloved police forces inflicted upon the 'innocent' protestors. I am not in any way condoning those who were wrongly accused/charged/detained at all; what I am upset about is the fact that the decision to hold the G20 in Toronto was made by politicians and not the police. Why are we blaming the cops for doing their jobs and following orders? Why aren't we questioning Stephen Harper and his government?

When I raised those questions to those who believe that the police acted wrongly (even though they were clearly under orders), I was met with stony glares: Don't confuse us with facts. I have no trouble with discussing this with rational people who will listen to me and then discuss why they feel differently. I had an hour-long conversation last night with my brother and while we did not see things the same way, we had a great discussion. We took turns talking and listening and pointing out contradictions in each other's arguments. It was, dare I say, an adult way of dealing with such a volatile situation.

I changed my facebook status to say that I was protesting the protestors protesting the police. That netted me angry comments, insults, and an order for me to shut my mouth because I was clearly under the influence of the media. Think about this: if I were listening to the media as suggested, would I not be on their side? The media is out for cop-blood, any way it can get it. My position of 'blame the ones who made the decision, not the ones who followed orders' is both logical and acceptable. Telling me to shut the fuck up because I do not agree with you is neither logical nor acceptable.

One person in particular is trying my patience with her repeated attempts to draw me into an all-out war on facebook. She has sent me multiple emails with various videos attached and has demanded that I watch all of it. To be honest, I don't care about protestors or what they were protesting. My beef is the assigning of blame to an undeserving group. Whether or not the whole thing was planned is not my concern: people being intolerant of others' opinions is my concern.

For me, the G20 has once again proven that people are sheep and will believe the hype no matter what it is or how ridiculous it sounds. The fact that no one is allowing for alternate opinions proves to me that people are not trying to understand the bigger picture here; they just want to be right. And they will beat the shit out of anyone who tells them differently.

Regina Bound!

2010-06-11T14:36:00.000-04:00

Is it wrong that I cannot say that word without giggling to myself? Probably. I am leaving tonight to go to Regina (teehee) for a work conference and I am not looking forward to it. Not only does it take me away from my boy, I have to share a room with a co-worker. I am not sure exactly how this will go down: she and I have different duties during the conference and I fear we may tread on each other in the morning. She thinks that it will be fine and that we can accomodate each other's schedules but I know better. I have seen what happens when she does not get her way at work and I am dreading the first instance where she may be forced to compromise with me.

On a lighter note, there is a fantastic comic bookstore just around the corner from the hotel where I am staying. I have already made arrangements to leave the conference tomorrow afternoon to check it out. At the very least, I will be able to pick up my comics for this week. I missed getting them earlier and I don't think I can wait until next week to buy them.

I really have the best boyfriend of all time. He did the laundry last night so I didn't have to stress out at all over what to pack and it all fit nicely into the suitcase he gave me. He even packed my toiletries for me. I haven't even left yet and I already miss him. Boo. Monday night can't come soon enough.

When Fate Intervenes, You Just Do It

2010-06-01T15:14:00.000-04:00

I have msn on my computer at work and we use it in lieu of the phone. It's annoying to have to stop what you are doing just to answer the phone and much easier to respond to msn. As you know, I have been quite unhappy with my current job due to the actual amount of work it truly is. I do not have enough time to eat my lunch let alone get my projects completed on time. It's both frustrating and demeaning and I am quite tired of waking up in the middle of the night panicking because I have, surprise surprise, forgotten to do something. Enter Fate; a wonderful, pushy, will-not-be-denied-her-right-to-speak woman. She is in my life in a huge way right now and she will not go away.

Among a plethora of things to happen that alerted me to the presence of Fate, was an awesome lead on a new freelance opportunity thanks to my big brother. I filed it away as something to get to asap and have been plugging along at it in between regular work and sleep. Here's my personal absolute proof that Fate is here: while at work and on msn, I keep getting these little messages across the bottom of the chat window asking me if I need a new job. There are variations on that theme: Am I looking for a challenge? Do I feel unappreciated in my current position? and so on. No one else in the office has seen these messages on their personal chat windows and they had to come to my desk to see my chat windows in order to believe me.

So, I have decided to let Fate work her magic and see where that takes me. I cannot fight it anymore; this is not where I am supposed to be and I have to take steps to rectify the situation that I find myself in. No more being stubborn, no more screwing around. Fate has intervened and I have to listen.

And just like that, I have a new job.

Pretty Good Times, Eh?

2010-05-18T14:36:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to the gym and met my trainer who proceded to kick my ass for an hour. Three weeks in and I am already 12 lbs lighter and a whole mess stronger. He is doing a great job challenging me and last night I almost admitted defeat.

After my workout, which left me dazed and breathless with fluttery muscles, I thought I'd do what I have been doing after every other workout: run on the treadmill. For those of you keeping up with me in current life, you'll recognize how important it is that I can run again. I left my trainer and went to the treadmill and plugged in my normal routine. About ten minutes into it, I had to stop running. I was completely exhausted and just couldn't make my legs work. I thought about stopping altogether but my trainer came by the machine and asked how I was doing. I gritted my teeth and upped the incline percentage and told him I was fine because I am a stupid, stubborn woman. He smiled at me and said I'd better make sure to eat my Wheaties for Wednesday's workout because it's going to be tougher. Sigh.

Despite the pain, going to the gym is working. I feel better about myself and my concentration at work is better. All in all, pretty good. Work itself is ridiculous and I am still trying to find time to write everything that needs to get written before the deadlines hit. So far, I have not been successful with putting aside time to write on a regular basis. I am doing my best though and so far, my best has been good enough.

You Know I Can Hear You, Right?

2010-05-03T14:49:00.000-04:00

Apparently, I am an idiot. I thought the office politics had ceased since there wasn't any reason for them to continue. No one's job is in jeopardy, although the appearance of an intern seems to have ruffled some of feathers. That, however, is a completely different post.

I have a one-track mind. When I work, I immerse myself in it in order to get the job done in a timely fashion. I don't like stretching things out. Get in, get it done, get out. I was busy working and didn't notice that my phone was ringing. I blocked it out because it was a different ring; it was an internal call and I completely ignored it. By not picking up the phone, I made the girl at the end of the hall get up and walk twenty feet to my desk to tell me there is a call on hold for me. No big deal, right? I said thanks, answered the phone, did whatever and hung up. A few minutes later I needed to go to the other end of the hall and as I walked in, I heard her talking trash about me. All because I didn't hear the phone.

I walked into the room as she was saying that I am an inconsiderate bitch. She saw me and stopped talking and I told her to go on and finish what she was saying. She tried to make it look like she was kidding but it was a feeble attempt and I didn't buy it. I just looked at her, shook my head slightly and told her that I was disappointed at what she had said. I said that I didn't think she would do that sort of thing, and I reminded her that she had told me that she had previously been a victim of that same sort of thing herself. As she had nothing further to say, I walked away.

And that's my day so far.

Time Passes And No One Notices

2010-04-30T09:48:00.000-04:00

I have been busy. Between school and work and trying to spend time with my boy, I feel as though I am being stretched to the limit. It seems to be calming down at work now, as people are beginning to take time off; however, it still seems as though I am running in circles.

Despite this, I have had a number of triumphs. One of the science fiction magazines that I subscribe to has accepted one of my stories to include in their spring 2011 issue. There are a few edits I need to make to the piece but it's going to be published. Finally. The editing group I belong to has asked me to edit their policy and procedures handbook which will be published and distributed province-wide in the fall. I can add that editing credit to my resumé which will help me when I write the certification exams later this year. My novel has recieved attention from a few interested publishers which has lit a fire under my ass to get it done. Since it is a very awesome piece of literature, I can't say that I blame them for wanting it completed so that they can share it with the world.

All in all, good things are happening. I know that's not why you read this; you'd rather read a rant about old people or rudeness on the subway that I have experienced. While I can always rant about something or other, this time I just wanted to share a bit of happiness. I realize it isn't as entertaining, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so damn happy and secure in my position in life.

For once.

I Have a Bad Feeling About This

2010-03-31T10:59:00.000-04:00

I think there is something wrong with me. I have a great boyfriend who loves me, a solid job that pays my bills, and a wonderful network of wonderful people around me who care about my overall well-being. I have all these wonderful things in my life yet I am still waiting for it to fall apart.

Normally, when I'm in a good place I destroy it. I go out of my way to make sure I am unhappy so that I can turn my hands up to sky and loudly proclaim 'Oh, woe is me' to whoever will listen. This time though, something different is happening. I am still filled with equal parts dread and fear, however I am not deliberately sabotaging my life. I am going through a stage right now where I feel as though I am not quite deserving of all that I have. I keep waiting for my boyfriend to wake up and scream when he sees me lying beside him. Not that I think I am unattractive, it's that I don't quite understand why the hell he would want to be with me. I am very damaged from all the terribleness that happened before, during, and after my divorce and I am finding that my baggage from that gut-wrenchingly awful time keeps popping up at the most awkward times. As I write this, I kind of feel like crying and throwing myself off a bridge (metaphorically speaking, so don't worry guys!) just so my brain will stop whispering to me.

I am doing my best to keep a smile on my face but I am barely holding on. I am trying desperately to let go of things that are hurting me and in those attempts I am finding that there is still so much pain that needs to be dealt with. It seems like a daunting task and I am afraid if I let my mask fall just a little bit everything will fall apart and I can't let that happen.

I just want to go home and hide under my bed.

*Note: I believe a lot of this is coming from the fact that today is the anniversary of my dreams being crushed. It was 2 years ago today when it was decided there would be no reconciliation. I was shattered, both by the fact that my marriage was ending and also the reasons why it was ending. The rest of the terribleness happened shortly after and it managed to completely destroy whatever I had left of my self esteem. I must be feeling as though I am in safe place; I am allowing myself to actually go through this again in an effort to put the demons to rest. That is comforting. Still very much a shitty place to be, but comforting nonetheless.

I Was Right All Along

2010-03-23T16:13:00.000-04:00

People have always told me that I'm too negative. 'You need to brighten up,' they say. "You are far too dark; don't you believe in the purity of the humna soul?'

Aha. Purity of the human soul. What a crock of shit. People, if given the choice and reasonably certain of not being caught, will always fuck you over. People are not pure, and they sure as hell aren't going to change anytime soon. That's just the way things are though, right?

I like to think that no good deed goes unpunished, and no rotten deed goes unnoticed. Today I was walking back to my office after lunch and I was startled to hear a loud crunching sound. I turned and saw that a woman had hit a car as she was pulling out of her parking spot. I stood there wondering what she and her companion were going to do next. I could clearly see that there was damage to the other car. Since I was standing right there watching, I thought that would give them the nudge needed to 'do the right thing' and leave a note on the other car's windshield. Purity of the human soul, where were you?

They left. They just backed up and left the parking lot. No note, no nothing, just exit stage left and thanks for all the fish. Unfortunately for them though, I jotted down the licence plate number and phoned in the accident anonymously.

Don't fuck with karma because it's much bigger than you and will hurt you.

Keep It Together

2010-03-03T09:50:00.000-05:00

I know that every time I post potentially someone from my office could stumble upon it. I also know that both of my bosses regularly check our computers and internet history to see where we've been and what we've been doing. Knowing all of that has not made me stop posting during business hours though. I figure that with the amount of work I do, both during regular hours and weekends, I am allowed to post on my freaking blog if I want to.

And now, my rant. The people I deal with on a regular basis who are not smart and do not understand the concept of what I do and so make my job a living hell are coming into my office today to conduct a pre-audit. Even though we pay a firm to come in every year and do a thorough audit, these people have it lodged firmly in their heads that they need to come in first and make sure everything is ready. Correction: they need to come in and make sure that I have not embezzled their money or screwed up their membership or any other thing that tops the list this week. Basically, they don't know how I do things and instead of asking me or, how about this, reading the Policy and Procedure Handbook they developed and I implemented, they feel it's better to come into my office and waste half my day with questions about filing.

I know that when the pre-audit committee comes in, they will run me ragged trying to produce reports so they can complain about them. I would love to have these already set up so I could just hand them a stack of paper when they get here but I don't know what reports they want. They didn't think to let me know in advance so I could prepare ahead of time and potentially cut their day shorter. I am basically being set up to fail as they will no doubt time me to see how long it takes me to produce the reports they want. Keeping in mind my primary focus is marketing, not administrative support.

I am going into this knowing that I am going to fail. I am actually at peace with that; this way, nothing is going to surprise me and hopefully I won't be as upset as I have been every other time these women come into my office and wreak havok. We will see how this works out.

On a brighter note, I have very pretty hair today.

Seriously?

2010-02-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

Today I have to go off-site and scorekeep for a judging competition for one of the Associations I work with. I made sure that both of my bosses were aware that I would need to use the laptop and the data projector today as the boardroom where the judging is taking place is not equipped with such things. I also decided to use my personal computer to keep track of the scores so that once I returned to the office I could immediately upload the information to the committee in charge and they would not have any reason to yell at me. With all my careful planning and ensuring that those in charge of the equipment were in the know as to what I needed and when you would think this would be easy, right? Fairly straightforward stuff, right? Wrong.

I get into the office this morning to find the laptop missing. The laptop that has all the images and everything else that I pre-loaded 0n it for today. Gone. Despite my reminders to both my bosses, despite the fact that I need this equipment to do my fucking job, they decided to take it home last night. You would have thought that they would make sure it was here for me, wouldn't you? Nope. Eff you, October. You're stupid if you think we're here to help make your already impossible-to-do job any easier. Holy shit am I mad. To top it all off, my co-worker called my boss at home to tell her to bring it in and is now telling everyone else in the office how I am over-reacting to the situation. I am sitting at my shitty desk, listening to them laugh about my 'temper'. You think this is a display of my temper? This mild outburst of irritation? Wait until I burn the fucking building down. With my mind.

It will all work out. My boss will show up with the laptop all apologetic and I will smile and say 'no problem' while I'm Dexter-ing her in my head. I seriously need out of here. I cannot stand it when the people in charge consistently drop the ball and expect me to be able to react and fix things. I could have just used my own computer and done the scoring by hand but that is not the point. When I say I need something for my job, I expect it to be there. Period. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

And if you are thinking of saying something clever and/or witty in the comments section, don't. Because I am so not in the mood right now.

What the Eff?

2010-02-22T16:08:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal, psyche. I write the demons out of you, you let me sleep longer than three hours a night. Deal?

Fuck, I sure hope so. Because I am getting tired of not sleeping. BG thinks it's him keeping me awake when it really isn't. It's my brain, that part of my brain that never sleeps, never takes a moments rest, always bugging me, nagging at me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, thin enough. Yeah, that part. I hate that part, yet it's the part I draw from when I write. It's like an immense well of darkness that pools up inside my psyche; waiting until the level gets too high, then it pours out of the tips of my fingers into a word file where it sits until I am ready to use it.

Do I sound like I need sleep? Are there dragons on the subway?

This Is It

2010-02-18T11:27:00.000-05:00

After much inner debating, I have decided to stop trying to make things burst into flame using only my mind. It appears as though I simply cannot do it and although that inability makes me sad, I also see the reasoning behind it. If I could harness the power of fire I would misuse it completely.

On a different note, I have also decided to start writing more. My difficulty to date has been based on sheer exhaustion when I get home and an unwillingness to open my laptop. I need to start training myself to write a few lines every night. Morning writing is out, as I need what little sleep I am getting and I am not willing to trade it for the possibility of maybe writing a couple words before the coffee brews. Work has me stressed out and when I am stressed out I don't sleep. BG is sick, which doesn't help me as he tosses and turns in his medicated delirium.

I have entered the love/hate stage of my job. One minute I am swearing I won't go back in and the next I'm saying it's the best job I've ever had. Not sure what's going to happen but I feel that change is coming soon. What form that will take is anyone's guess, including my own.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go practice teleporting.

Einstein iz smrt

2010-02-05T14:54:00.000-05:00

Albert Einstein once said, 'A man's ethical behaviour should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.'

Hmm. While I agree that ethics and religion are separate from each other, I am not sure of the rest of society (or at least a sizeable portion of it) would agree with me. How often do we read otherwise in the newspaper? The 10 Commandments have been used as a basis for many ethical arguments, as it seems to be a solid foundation for correct social behavour. That being said, socially correct behaviour does not always equal ethical behaviour. One could potentially live their entire life by the 10 commandments but not live ethically depending on the situation.

Take the concept of truth for example. Truth itself is defined as many different things all of which boil down to one aspect: an undisputed and accepted fact. Does that mean that as soon as someone challenges a previously undisputed fact it is no longer true? No wonder people have such difficulties with telling the truth; it is completely and utterly open to each individual's interpretation.

Ethics are similar in nature to truth in that it is open to interpretation and subject to discussion. What I feel is unethical behaviour might be completely acceptable to another; it's all in how the individual sees the situation. Personal values come into play along with morals the deeper you go. More neutral areas.

Each person is their own mini-society and they rule their own society as they see fit. Once they enter a social situation however, they are expected to comply with a series of social rules. Should they decide to not follow those rules, they are shunned and in some cases punished. Does that mean their behaviour is wrong? I don't think so; I think it means that those people are viewed as a threat to the carefully structured social hive that most people adhere to and that's why they are treated like outcasts. Ethics and social structure are linked; you cannot have one without the other. As long as there are people, there will be ethical dilemmas and social awkwardness.

Pardon the meandering; I have had these thoughts in my head for a little while now and each time I open my mouth to voice them I am greeted with blank stares and snickers. Part of my reason for having a blog is so that I can avoid the snickering.

Anyway, Einstein had it right. Religion and ethics should not mix. Just like Jack Daniel's and banana liquer.

It's Official

2010-01-22T11:12:00.000-05:00

I have completely lost my mind. I woke up partway through the night convinced it was Saturday and proceeded to turn off my alarm. I woke up again a bit later and panicked because I could not remember what day it was. After consulting my phone, I had to set my alarm again to make sure I woke up and went into work. I hate it when my brain gets reality and fantasy confused.

This is not the first time I have done this and I suspect it will only get worse because I am also starting to see things. Strange things. Perhaps it's a mixture of lack of REM sleep and too much caffeine, but I am seeing dragons on the subway. Not Smaug dragons, more like fledglings. I see them curled up under seats, cracking open yellow eyes to glare at me when I stare. Dragons hate bad manners and apparently staring open-mouthed is rude. I can't help it, I've never seen a dragon before.

Hmm. I suppose there is a rational explanation for all this and I suspect it may involve time off work and a bit of a rest. One thing truly concerns me though; if I can no longer see the dragons, does that mean they aren't there anymore?

Update...Because You Want To Know

2010-01-20T15:03:00.001-05:00

The past little while has been an absolute maelstrom of activity. I am exhausted and in desperate need of a vacation. I have been informed that there is no way I will be able to take any vacation time for at least six months, and that got me thinking about my job and where it's going.

I have a great job and I love the challenges I face each day. I have been given certain opportunities that I may not have been able to pursue had I chosen to work in another position elsewhere. I am very dedicated to my work and to the people I work with. I am, however, beginning to find myself in a unique spot. I have made enough contacts at this job to allow me to go further in my career, only if I want to. And right now, I am tired. No furthering of the career today for October. She needs sleep.

Not much of an update, but there you go. I have written so much in the past little while that I feel as though I have used up my monthly allotment of words.

That's all.

That's Better

2010-01-08T19:36:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to do this for a while and just have not been able to do so. I just deleted a whole bunch of people from Facebook that I no longer talk to. Why have people on there that I don't talk to? Why belong to groups that no longer want me in them? Clearly I will never see them again and will never be invited to join in their activities so why even bother to get updates on things that I cannot go to?

I seem to be going through a bit of a housekeeping phase. There are quite a few people that I used to hang out with on a regular basis that no longer seem to want to be around me. I am okay with that; I just needed to clean house so that I could move on.

Things feel less crowded in my brain without all those negative thoughts about coulda, shoulda, woulda racing around. I am one of those people who normally needs closure; however, in this case I am going to make an exception. I am not going to bother these people anymore, nor do I expect any kind of response from them. This is your chance to walk away scot-free if you want to. You guys know who you are.

You're free.

Take That, Self Esteem

2010-01-07T07:21:00.000-05:00

For the majority of my adult life, I have had black hair. It has become a part of me, part of my identity, and part of my armor when facing things that I didn't want to deal with. My hair colour has also been, in my opinion, a factor in keeping my secret self safe from harm because it has acted as a deterrent for most people. It's no secret that the first impression of a female with jet-black hair and tattoos is not a favourable one, and for many years I bought into that. I blamed a lot of my social awkwardness on the stereotype of my appearance. Sound ridiculous? Think about it; almost every woman has a totem that always makes her feel powerful and untouchable. Mine was black hair.

Deciding to change my hair colour was a difficult one. After having black hair for so long, it's hard for me to reconcile having a different colour. In the past when I've tried to do this I have always ended up dyeing my hair back to black in an effort to recapture something I thought I'd lost. I thought that my identity was tied directly to the image I was portraying; the image of the tough, no-nonsense chick with an attitude. Not that that image no longer applies; it certainly does. I just no longer feel the need to beat people over the head with how hard-core I am because they will find out one way or another.

Changing my hair has allowed me to let go of a lot of baggage that has been troubling me for years. Sounds strange, I know, but because I have changed my outward appearance, I feel more comfortable letting go of things. I no longer check my email thinking I will hear from people I haven't heard from in months because now it doesn't matter. They will either contact me or not. It's not up to me and I am fine with that. It isn't that I don't care about them, I just can't invest anymore emotion in something that isn't going to pan out.

All this because of a hair colour change? That's right. Now get out of my way; I have a world to conquer.

Starbucks Did It, Not Me

2010-01-05T12:06:00.000-05:00

It was supposed a simple coffee. A quick cup of coffee with my friend who just received some pretty good news. I invited BG to join us and when we arrived at the Starbucks, there wasn't anywhere to sit. So you see, when we ended up at the pub it wasn't our fault at all. If there had been room, we would have enjoyed coffee. Instead, we got hammered on a school night.

I just can't do stuff like that anymore. My job demands my full and complete concentration and when I go out for a few drinks at the end of a long day, it really messes me up. BG and I looked at each other this morning and promised each other we wouldn't do that again on a school night.

The fact that we went drinking on a Monday isn't the worst part. After drinking, the three of us went to another friend's house and did a podcast - that was the worst part. I know for a fact that I made a complete ass out of myself and that at one point, I was told to ease up on the geekiness. That was in relation to my outburst regarding the outrageousness of Stephanie Brown (aka the new Batgirl, former Spoiler, former Robin, etc.) not making an appearance in any of the Blackest Night books. I then justified my outburst by comparing her to the rest of resurrected heroes that are being targeted by Necron and was met with stony silence. I believe it was at that moment that I realized I am damn lucky to not only have a boyfriend, but to have one who also reads comics and gives me noogies when I get out of control.

Bottom line: our usual Starbucks needs to be bigger.

Still Don't Like Christmas

2009-12-30T21:44:00.000-05:00

I understand that some people adore Christmas and that's fine; just stay the hell away from me and try to get it through your head that I am not one of you. Every year I go through the same feelings of dread simply because it seems that no matter what I do, no matter what gifts I purchase, nothing is ever good enough. More specifically: I am not good enough.

When I was a kid, Christmas was great. My brother and I would go out with our dad and find a tree, cut it down, and laugh when Mom said it was too big and we wouldn't have enough ornaments for it. Then, it wasn't about the presents, although they were awesome as well. We had the same routine every year and after my parents split, it just wasn't the same. Not that I am blaming my dislike of the holidays on my parents, I am just saying their divorce was a factor as to why I am not a big fan of Christmas.

Over the years I have tried to recapture that feeling I had as a kid and guess what? Can't do it. My father is gone and my mother is married to complete asshat who can't remember my name most of the time despite being in my life for the past 25 years. I thought that by being in my new apartment and having BG by my side, things would be better this year so I invited my brother and his wife and my mother and what's-his-name over for dinner. Disaster. I will never do that again, I can tell you. I am an idiot for trying. Again.

My mom and her husband arrived before my brother and his wife so BG and I had to entertain them. I made coffee, served hors d'oeuvres, and made small talk. My mom told us all about the great time she and her husband had had the previous night at their house with the whole family. She said: 'It was so great to have the whole family together for Christmas finally. Everyone was there. It was so wonderful.' I guess she forgot that I wasn't there.

Part of me wants to laugh it off as just one of those things but deep down, I am hurt. Hurt because when I first approached my mom about having dinner on Boxing Day she agreed, but because her husband's son decided he wanted Christmas dinner they decided to have everyone over Christmas Day. I was not able to join them as I had already made plans with BG's family because I had been told that my mother wasn't going to be having dinner. So once again, I was not included and they went out of their way to make sure I would not be included.

Christmas is a hard time for me because I usually slip into a bit of a depression and this situation has not helped at all. I am upset, hurt, angry, and there is nothing I can do about it so why can't I let it go? I will tell you why. I firmly believe that if you are a shitty person, shitty things will happen to you and I want to stay connected to these people to watch it happen: specifically, my mother's husband. If anyone deserves a heaping portion of shit-on-a-stick, it's that guy.

I am tired of being the one who remembers his birthday and helps my mom plan his surprise party. His own kids don't do that, so why am I? Because I keep hoping that one day he will act like a father towards me, and that is not going to happen. He doesn't even like me. He can't remember my name most of the time when I call and he goes out his way to do things that will hurt me.

I am not his child, and I do not need his approval. I am my own person and I think that if my dad were still alive and saw what I was putting up with, he would shake his head at me. I am so strong in some ways, why am I so weak in this one? I am trying to protect my mother. I figure if I behave the way I am expected to, he will be nicer to her. Sound dumb? It is. People don't change, and I am finally realizing that no matter what I do or how many cards I send he is still going to treat her like shit. I have to accept that this is her decision and that it isn't my fault. I didn't pick him for her; she did. It's upsetting for me to hear about how he treats her but I have to remember that she chose that life for herself and has the opportunity to leave whenever she wants.

I am just tired of being the black sheep when I am the one who does all the things that kids are supposed to do. Fuck it. I am done with it all. My father is dead; I need to remember that.

I Feel Like a Bitch

2009-12-22T12:29:00.000-05:00

One of my colleagues is very sick yet still continues to come into work. Why? She is sitting at her desk, hacking, coughing, and sneezing all over everything, and will most likely make everyone in the office ill just in time for our Christmas break. Does this sound like a rant? Good; because that's exactly what I'm about to do.

I understand that people need to work in order to get paid. I also understand that when you have used up all your sick time you might feel as though you have to come in despite the fact that you are ill. People have children and other responsibilities. I get that. What I don't get is the apparent double standard: people with kids don't usually allow their children to go to school or mingle with friends if they are ill. So why is it okay as an adult to throw that caution out the window when they are sick and go into work?

I am a healthy person. I eat properly, I get enough sleep, and I excercise. I don't get sick very often and when I do I can usually sleep it off. Seriously; ask my mother. I have been ill more often at my current job than I have been at any other job I have had. Why? Because it's a small company and my co-workers feel pressured to come into work when they are sick. So now, my co-worker is here spreading around her germs and everyone will no doubt end up sick. Plus, her constant cough is driving me mental. I want to walk over to her desk and shove a Halls down her throat so she'll shut up.

Grr. I have so much work to do and it's all editing-type stuff that requires concentration which I cannot do because of her coughing. I realize I am being ridiculous but come on. If you must be here, then take steps to at least try and quell your incessant cough.

I am totally wearing my grumpy pants today.

What Have We Here?

2009-12-18T12:14:00.001-05:00

There were so many reasons to not get out of bed this morning. Instead, I hauled my ass out of bed, made coffee, showered, dressed, and went to work. I am sitting at my desk right now more than a little miserable to have left the warmth of my apartment. Plus, it's Friday.

Sad part is, I have so much work to do that I really should be nose-to-the-grindstone but instead I'm blogging. I find that as my workload increases, my reluctance to do said work also increases to the point where I surf the 'net and read online comics instead of actually doing what I'm being paid to do. It's the week before Christmas and although the work is still piling up, I just can't seem to get my shit together enough to do any of it. I see the emails piling up in my inbox and yet I just can't seem to find the energy to open them. I am going out of my way to not do any work at all and it's only going to get worse, I can feel it.

I am now going to build a fort out of duct tape and file folders.

Meat-filled Birthday

2009-12-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

This year was one of the best birthdays. I had my actual birthday off and spent it with BG as he also had the day off. He made me breakfast in bed (peameal bacon and eggs) and kept refilling my coffee while I opened the gifts he bought me. Let's just say it was a very GI Joe birthday: complete dvd set of the cartoon, the 12" Storm Shadow collectible figure, the new movie on blu-ray, and a signed piece of art with my two favourite DC characters Hawkman and Hawkgirl. And that was just the beginning.

We met my mom for lunch, meandered around downtown, and went to a movie. After the movie we picked up a special order which I am not allowed to talk about because it isn't Christmas yet, but it's an awesome gift for us. We got home late and we made dinner: brussel sprouts baked in the oven with olive oil and balsamic vinegar sprinkled with salt and pepper; mashed potatoes with onions, garlic, and grated cheddar cheese; and steak. Yummy, juicy, market-fresh steak. We had a couple glasses of wine and watched 'Predator' before calling it a night.

The next day we went over to our friends' house. BG and I had planned to wear longjohns for the evening due the extreme temperature of their house. That way we would be comfortable without being overheated or naked, which apparently would have unacceptable. As soon as we walked in the house, we took off our pants and stayed in our longjohns for the night. No kidding. T&F had planned out the whole birthday dinner thing with the help of BG and R, so I was banished to the living room with a stock of frosty beverages and a couple of Vincent Price movies.

A couple hours and more than a few beverages later, I was summoned to the kitchen. I opened my awesome presents from them which included: F-made Hawkman and Hawkgirl squishy toys (yay!), a Hawkgirl statue, comics, and a zombie book. Birthday complete? Hell no, there was more. About 10 pounds more.

They made me a Jabba the Hutt out of meat. He sat on top of a bed of mashed potatoes that resembled sand, and his sidekick Salacious Crumb was nestled in his folds. Un-freaking-believable. And so very tasty. No wonder the Hutts died out: they are delicious! F made me a birthday cake that looked exactly like the Sarlacc Pit, complete with a trapped Boba Fett. I pulled him out by his feet and totally saved his life, so now Boba Fett owes me a life debt.

I had an awesome birthday full of good friends, great food, and the warmth of family. BG's family gave me gifts the following day at the family dinner, and his mother made my favourite pie: lemon merangue. I was not expecting that at all and it really floored me that they would do something like that.

I can't wait to see how Boba Fett is going to repay me.

Ahhh...There's The Other Shoe

2009-12-09T12:53:00.000-05:00

I knew that sooner or later it would show up. I figured it would happen right around this time, too. Although I did encourage it, I still didn't think that it would hurt quite this much. I knew that I was in the wrong by staying quiet and not speaking what was in my heart, yet I still did it. I fully accept the blame for that yet I am still unsure of how it all seemed to get dropped into my lap. As far as I know, no matter who accepts how much of the blame, it still requires two people to make the situation in the first place.

I am in no way saying that I am not partially to blame; I think I covered that quite well in the preceding paragraph. I am merely stating that I am not to blame for all of it. I had to reread the response I received to an email I sent a couple of times before I was able to reply. So much of it hit home and was true yet there were parts that both shocked and offended me. In the end I managed to reply however I think I may have to dwell on this situation more before continuing. I thought that this person knew enough about me to have made a different assumption and now I am not sure how to proceed.

The past few months have been very confusing for me as I have had to navigate through various obstacles. Some obstacles were easily swatted away and others have hung on like barnacles. I had thought that I was able to deal with this situation now as I have had time to think. When I attempted to try and explain what has been happening inside my head and in my heart, I was rejected and informed of a slew of things that I had done to upset this other person.

Again, I am not shirking my responsibility here. I realize I should have made an effort to contact them sooner, but I couldn't. I honestly thought that they would recognize my silence and understand that I needed time to sort some things out and that didn't happen. That understanding was not there; whether I neglected to voice it or because they didn't recognize it doesn't matter.

I am upset because of all the people in the world, this one is the last one I ever thought would turn on me. Maybe I am exaggerating; maybe it isn't that bad but I've been sitting here reading the email over and over again and that's how it feels. It was pointed out to me that because we don't run in the same circles any betrayal of this person on my part would still be hidden and that floored me. The fact that that thought would even come up really upset me. Second time this week that someone has questioned my integrity.

I make mistakes. All the time. Sometimes, I make more than one mistake at a time. Through making mistakes I learn how other people think and I try to apply that knowledge when faced with similar situations. In this case, I misjudged badly and now I have to decide which path to take.

Where Did The Time Go, and How Can I Get it Back?

2009-12-08T13:43:00.000-05:00

I am not going to the exam tonight. Not only do I have shitbuckets of work to do, which pays the rent and so is a bit more important than this course, I am really not prepared for it. I am not prepared to walk in and write a crappy exam just for the experience. There is too much that needs to be done in my office and I'd rather have a paycheque than a certificate of completion.

I just want my bed right now.

Either Too Stubborn or Just Too Damn Stupid

2009-12-04T15:14:00.000-05:00

Although I have not attended class in over a month, I have decided to write the final exam next week. This is partly due to the fact that my teacher cannot assign me an incomplete mark; he can either pass me or fail me. I have decided that if I am going to fail, it will be because I attempted to write an exam that I wasn't quite prepared for and not because I gave up. I know, it sounds very Disney-ish but there you go. I have a bit of a different view of the world lately and it's kind of great.

I am finding that I am not quite so angry anymore. Things that used to set me off don't seem to bother me and I am much more tolerant of my current partner than I have been with others in the past. BG does things now that a year ago would made me molten with rage and I just smile and go about my business. Sure, I have stumbling blocks, 'quirks' as he calls them, however I find that because I am content I can finally let go of the anger that I've been carrying around for so long.

The drawback is that some of my former friends think I've lost my edge because of my new-found happiness. I think that's funny; I am much more capable of bitching someone out now that I have a firm foundation and someone behind me 100%. I don't have to worry about BG cheating on me or developing a drug habit as some of my former partners have done. Part of that is because he isn't like that and the other part is because he respects me. And he respects me because I respect myself. That's something that only comes after you've been through hell and lost everything. It's been a rough trip and a lot of people tried to hold me back but in the end I am just too stubborn to let it go after hearing that I can't do something.

Someone who used to be very close to me told me that I was much more fun to be around when I was miserable and bitter. She only wanted me around to make herself feel better because of what I was going through at the time. We would sit and talk about my situation and I stupidly thought that she actually wanted to help. Later, she would paraphrase our conversations to her friends and they would all shake their heads in sympathy, silently grateful that it wasn't happening to any of them. It just proves the point that misery loves company. I understand the concept of schadenfreude, I just don't think you should shove someone's nose in it. A bit of tact should be used.

I have so much on my plate right now: editing three magazines, my regular work, and my freelancing, that I just cannot spend time with negative people. I get enough of that at work, I don't need it when I go home or when I meet up with my friends. Although it does make for great writing fodder.

This Time You've Gone Too Far

2009-11-30T13:12:00.000-05:00

This weekend during the housewarming party at the new place, some guy tried to gain access into my apartment. He identified himself as a representative of the property management but refused to produce identification. BG and his brothers were there and as soon as they came to the door buddy took off, saying we were being unreasonable and we need to keep it down. He also said that our neighbors had gone to him personally, as he was the building rep, and complained about the noise coming from our place. When I checked (because I do this kind of thing; I check shit out) by knocking on the doors of our neightbors both on our floor and the floor below, only one person was home and he was unaware we were having a party. And he was very upset to hear that someone had told us he complained.

Did I mention building-rep guy was wearing only boxers? Anyway, when I phoned the office this morning to complain, the woman I spoke to was appalled that this sort of thing would happen. I described the guy; she said that there was no one on staff that lives in the building except for the super. She became more agitated when I told her there were children present at the partyand they had seen him in his boxers. She assured me that it would be dealt with and told me that she was putting the information into our file. When BG spoke to our super, the super knew from the description given who it was and said he would have a word with him.

So, not only is there is a crazy cat-lady at the end of the hall who comes out of her apartment whenever she hears movement to grill the people as to where they are going and for how long, there is also a weirdo below us who like to play dress up but forgets to include pants. Colourful group of people in the building. That being said, it was a great party and it's a wonderful space and I am happy to have an apartment once again.

Just wish the apartment application had come with an info sheet on the tenants.

Losing Patience With Being Patient

2009-11-25T15:58:00.000-05:00

Being patient is not one of my strengths. When I get an idea in my head, I want it to happen that very second and sometimes I become agitated when I am told that expecting immediate results is retarded. Like now. I am waiting for Rogers to hook up my cable and internet at my new apartment and I just texted BG to see if it's been done, knowing that it's only been five minutes since my last text asking the same thing. I will probably keep texting until I am told to stop. I just can't help myself.

I am also feeling like a bit of a failure because I had such high hopes for participating in NaNoWriMo and I completely fucked it up. I could blame work, my injury, school, homelessness, or any other number of things both real and imagined but the crux of it is that I got lazy.

There. I said it. I got lazy and let it slide, which is not normally something I would do, hence the disappointment I am feeling for not following through. This whole month has been about me just barely managing to eke by and it's only happened because along with being incredibly impatient I am also very determined. Some people might think that means that I am bull-headed, however I prefer to think of it as being strong-willed. It sounds nicer.

Did anything good come out of this horrific month? Sure, lots of things. I have a fantastic apartment that will be completely furnished as of tonight, a housewarming party coming up this weekend, a wonderful partner, fantastic friends, and a freezer full of vodka. What more could a girl ask for?

About 49, 200 words.

An Update

2009-11-16T12:44:00.000-05:00

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. The awesome apartment I was to move into has turned out to be not-so awesome and I am on the hunt for a new place that will not entice people to try and kick in my door. My knee is healing well; although it still is not good, I can at least walk on it and take my pants off without BG having to shield his eyes from the hideous bruising. Work is incredibly busy and school is not going well because of my lack of concentration and the missed classes.

I am on the verge of moving yet still in limbo until I hear from my prospective new landlord. This is the part that I cannot stand: the waiting and the not-knowing. I am not the most patient person at the best of times and now because I am so stressed out it's even worse. Thankfully, my friends and family have gathered around me to help out with packing up two apartments, arranging to drive a cube van, and trying to find alternate homes for my cats.

Because of the situation I am heading into, I can't take them with me. Enough said. I am trying to deal with it the best way I can which means I am drinking too much and not getting enough sleep. It is the middle of November and I need to be out of both my apartments in less than 2 weeks. I don't know where I am going yet, and although I have put money down on a place there is no guarantee I will get it. I have been sleeping at BG's house and while that's good, I can't stay there indefinitely. No one minds me being there, I just feel like I am intruding.

I am frustrated, exhausted, and I need another good cry. Last week I had a meltdown and BG told me that he was surprised at how long it took before I finally broke. I am not proud of that; I think it's a bit scary that I can do that kind of thing. Anyway, I had a really good hiccupping cry while he held me and then that was it. A few tears since then, but no further breakdowns.

Of course, that could all change depending on whether or not I get this apartment.

I've Done It

2009-10-29T16:37:00.000-04:00

I signed up for the 'write a novel in 30 days' challenge. Not sure when I am going to be able to fit writing 1700 words a day into my schedule but I plan to try. The problem is, I have no plot. I have a title, but no plot. I have a few ideas which I aim to try and flesh out before Sunday, the day this all starts, and we'll see how it goes. The main thing I am trying to do here is to get back into the routine of writing each day. Due to my injury and school and the overload at work, I haven't had much time to do what I love. Ah...yes. The injury. Since I am actually writing this at work instead of preparing a report that is due in five minutes, I will go into gory details once I get home and have access to the gross pictures of my injury.

Seriously. Really gross.

Cannot wait to show you.

Time is Fun When You're Having Flies

2009-10-15T09:01:00.001-04:00

I have been having so much fun juggling school and work that I have neglected my blog. The trouble now is, what do I say? What do I tell you about? Should I even try?

I vote no. Clearly it wasn't important enough to jot down a few sentences, so why go to the trouble of looking for something to write about. Those in my life know what I've been doing; and anyone who isn't probably doesn't give a shit about what I do with my time.

So. What now? Do I tell you about the awesome plans I have for this weekend? Do I let on that I am fighting the mother of all flu's and I am hacking up a lung as Iwrite this? Do I go on and on about my new apartment that I am in the process of getting? What about school? Who wants to hear about my adventures in college? No one?

Didn't think so.

Let's Talk, Shall We?

2009-09-22T14:23:00.000-04:00

Today would have been my father's birthday if he hadn't taken his own life years ago. While I am no longer angry at him for denying me the possiblility of reconciliation, I am rather put off at the mess he left behind. The mess being me.

I have struggled with the possiblility that my father didn't like me very much both as a child and later as a young adult for most of my life. Now that this possibility has been confirmed to me in countless ways by various people, all that information really does is strengthen my resolve to be a better person. I spent many years wondering why he didn't like me only to find out that it due to my gender. The idea that if I had been born a male he might have accepted me just breaks my heart and at this point in my life I really don't need that kind of grief. I have a different way of looking at it.

I was a straight-A student in school because my father thought I was stupid. I went out of my way to show him that although I am a girl, I am his girl and was different. I didn't get into trouble like some of the girls in my school. I studied the television shows he watched, read the same books he did (when he wasn't looking because they were too 'old' for me), searching for a way to connect with him and was finally rewarded one evening with an invitation to sit with him and watch one of his favourite shows.

He is the main reason I am so stubborn. I went out of my way to show him that I am smart, talented, and worthy of his love. I am convinced that he loved me and just was not strong enough to show it. When he died and Iwent up to the house to begin taking care of things, I came across something that he had locked away in his strong box: a tiny glass bottle tied with a pink ribbon that contained my baby teeth. I held that bottle for hours, sobbing. I cried not only because he was gone, but because when I should have pushed him I didn't and I let our relationship go.

My father was a lot of things to a great many people. He taught me a great deal about a lot of different things; things that I didn't even know I had learned until I pulled the information out of my memory when I needed it. Perhaps he could have gone about things differently in terms of his treatment of me however the end result is something I know he would be proud of. How could he not be proud of me? I have his eyes, and they are fantastic.

Cake-y Goodness and some Skool

2009-09-11T13:23:00.000-04:00

I just finished my lunch. I am reasonably content and full, yet my eyes keep straying to the piece of cake I brought with me. This piece of cake that was cut from a larger cake that a boy made for me. That's right. A whole cake made for me and I haven't shared it with anyone because it's that good.

Why am I talking about cake? Because work is so stressful right now that I need to switch off for a while and the only way I can do that is to talk about mundane things like cake. It's chocolate and decorated with peanut butter m&m's. He was going to put more candy on it but then realized that the candy would overwhelm the actual cake. Single tear.

School started this week and I have already managed to ostracize myself. I am taking a grammar course and when the prof asked the class how many of us are writers, I was the only one who raised their hand. Instant Keno. He focused on me for the remainder of the class, much to the disdain of a girl who was trying so hard to be the centre of attention.

Alright cake, you win. I will stop this now.

Hmmm....

2009-09-02T15:33:00.001-04:00

One of the things I enjoy most about writing my blog is the reactions I get. Sometimes it takes a bit of time for other people's feelings to make their way to me, but they always do and I am always astounded at how people interpret my words. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, there will always be a group of people ready to spring into action and twist things around to suit whatever mood they happen to be in at that particular moment. I know this, and I accept it.

A few things have happened recently to make me think long and hard about what I'm doing. The choices I have made recently are turning out to be exactly what I need at this moment; from reconnecting with friends I thought were long-gone to meeting new people to starting school next week. I understand that my happiness at this moment stings others who are no longer as close to me as they once were, yet I am not disturbed by that. When I hear of others moving on and achieving success, my first thoughts are congratulatory, not bitter. I don't want the people around me to fail, I want them to succeed and do well at whatever they want to do and when they are happy, I want them to stay that was for a reasonable amount of time. Everything ebbs, everything flows and so it goes.

I realize that my language at times is confusing and, for those who don't know me, downright abrasive. Keep in mind that these are my feelings, and I am allowed to have them and express them even if they don't mirror yours. The fact that I am happy should be something for others to see and recognize and applaud, as it has been quite some time since this has happened. The fact that my happiness coincides with previous choices I made should not take away from the overall message that even someone as surly as me can be happy. You just have to be willing to work for it.

Make up Your mind Already

2009-08-26T08:44:00.000-04:00

So now I'm flip-flopping on the whole invitation-only thing. When I initially closed off my blog, it was because I felt it would upset the boy to read about my exploits as they are no longer about him. Not that I devoted my entire blog to spouting endless amounts of verbiage about him because I didn't. The fact is, things have changed, and my feelings on this have also changed because now I don't care. Not because I'm heartless; anyone who knows me that I am deeply emotional and terribly romantic, but because I feel that it's my right to talk about what's going on in my life without worrying about anyone's reaction. For example, the reaction that will come my way regarding the next paragraph as soon as this blog is made public again.

Last night I had a fantastic chat with a lady I haven't seen in over a year because of her fractured friendship with the boy. I am not making that up or casting blame; that is the truth and she said it to my face. I went to her house and we sat and talked for hours about everything that had happened in the past year or so and in the end realized that we never really stopped being friends. We didn't talk, true, but that hasn't seemed to hinder the friendship. While it will take some time before we are completely comfortable being around each other again, it was nice to finally be able to say all the things I have wanted to directly to her.

This week has been great for me. Not only have I managed to convince myself that two more cats are good idea ( just for a month, they need a home and they are brothers and adorable and oh god I'm turning into the crazy cat-lady), I have come up with a game plan for school. I have decided that I need to go back, there's no resisting it anymore. My boss has offered to pick up half the tab as the prgram directly relates to my job, so there's no excuse for me to not go, except that I am oh-so very lazy and am dreading the first day of school shenanigans.

I am in a very good place in my life, and I would not have been able to come this far so quickly without the love and support of my brothers and best friends. You guys have been so great, and so patient with me as I floundered trying to be courageous and make the changes that I needed so very much in my life. My oath to all of you is that I swear to always be worthy of your love, trust and friendship.

And with that, I am going to re-open my blog. See you guys on the flip side.

Kisses.

Some Clarification

2009-08-23T12:35:00.000-04:00

I feel the need to explain a few things. While it's true that the boy actually physical left my apartment at the end of June, we had not been a couple for quite some time. Our lives were going in two very different directions and I needed to make a change in my life to be happy. Part of my search for happiness included him leaving. I needed him to leave my personal space and I also had to make sure that I kept myself happy rather than rely on someone else to provide it for me.

There has been a fair amount of resentment on his part, and since making my blog invitation-only I can finally safely talk about it. Some of his emails to me have been rife with venom, to the point where I marveled at my decision to date him in the first place. We have gone back and forth about why we decided to date and why he decided to move in and it all comes back to the same thing: he blames me. Apparently, the boy hasn't a thought in his head and it's all because I insisted he move in and I insisted we date. I have another idea.

When I left my husband last year, I was an absolute mess. His infidelity did a number on my ego and left me feeling as though this was all my fault. As I worked through it, I found that it wasn't my fault he made the choice he did: his insecurity abut being married to someone as phenomenal as me enabled him to choose another, lessor, woman. Starting a new relationship with someone I have known for years should have worked. It honestly should have. The fact that it didn't leads me to one conclusion: I chose the wrong person.

I am fine with that, because I have corrected the problem now and am quite happy with the way things are going in my life. I am fully capable of having a healthy relationship, I just need to find the right person to share my life with.

Interesting Stuff

2009-08-14T13:34:00.001-04:00

The past week or so has been filled with emotion. Possibly even fraught with it. Some of it is good, most of it is bad. I find myself constantly repeating myself to those who claim to listen. I have had to deal with upheaval at work, the possibility of not being able to afford go back to school as planned and the reality of the need for a second job. While I realize that only a few people know precisely what's going on with me personally, I still find it very discouraging that some people think my life is a breeze and things are working out perfectly for me.

Umm. What the eff?

True, I have made a few decisions in the past little while that may have raised more than one eyebrow, however not one person has asked me why I made those decisions. Instead, I receive emails full of anger and conflicting sentences that I am supposed to be able to understand. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this while I am still stinging from the awful emails, but like I have always said, this is my blog and if you don't like it, don't read it. If something here upsets you because you think I'm talking about you, instead of whining about it to other people so that it eventually makes it way back to me, just ask me. So much easier and so much less drama that way. Unless of course that's the point.

I am tired of trying to make sure everyone else around me is taken care of. When I first started out on this journey, there were quite a few people supporting me and encouraging me to take the necessary steps. Now, a couple of them have decided that it was just a way for me to cull my group, so to speak, and that now my life is absolutely rosy because they are not as involved in my life as they once were. Smell that? That's the odor of bullshit, folks.

I could explain further but what's the point? It's just going to be taken out of context at a later date and thrown right back at me. If I have learned anything in these past few weeks, it's that those who tell you to go and do what you need to in order to be happy don't really mean it. After all, why would anyone want to watch someone else go and be happy, even if they've worked their ass off and deserve it? Better to make sure they stay down in the shit with everyone else, because truly, that's what friends are for.

One Cat Closer to Craziness

2009-08-02T13:05:00.000-04:00

Due to the ferocious nocturnal activities Oscar gets up to, I have decided to get him a companion. It was to the point where I would wake up every hour and a half to something breaking or him jumping over me or some other feline act of ridiculousness. I contacted the shelter where I got Oscar and asked them some questions about how he was with other cats. I did not want to put him through any unnecessary stress if he wasn't good around other cats; I would put up with his shenanigans in that case. The shelter told me he was great with other cats and that in fact there was a cat that needed a home. The woman told me that I could foster this cat until it was clear whether or not Oscar would accept her. So I went and got her.

Meet Daphne. She is 10 months old and very friendly. Her purr is very loud and rumbly. She loves sitting on laps and is very talkative. She and Oscar are becoming more friendly as time passes. She already has marked out her spot and each time I pass her she reached out her little paw and touches me, as if to remind me that she is there and needs some love. While she isn't exactly the type of cat you can pick up and carry around, she does enjoy human contact. Like most cats, that human contact is on her terms. And that's okay by me.

I know that I am one cat closer to being the crazy cat lady and that is fine with me. Apparently though, the magic number is five. Since I have two already, I still have time.

Sunday Night Musings: The Musical

2009-07-26T20:59:00.000-04:00

This weekend has been really good for me both mentally and spiritually. I have discovered a few things about myself that potentially could set me on the right path. I know that I have made some questionable decisions recently that have yielded less that desirable results and I have figured out why. The details are not important: what is important is that I have been given some valuable information that I intend to use.

In addition to the amount of thinking I have been able to do, I have been cleaning: both my personal space and my mind. My apartment is sparkling, my dishes are done and my laundry is folded up and put away. Metaphor? Hmm. I think so. Good one though, isn't it?

I posted earlier that I was afraid of being alone. That is still true to a point; I do enjoy having people around me even if they aren't good for me. I have always felt that being with the wrong person is better than being alone. I am in no way suggesting that the boy was the wrong one; these are my problems and they are not caused by him in any way. My fear of being alone stems from insecurity: if I am alone that must mean people don't like me.

In order to make sure people like me, I would do things to keep them around, sometimes to my detriment. Feigning an interest in race cars just to hold a man's interest is no way to live, and I see that now. Keeping who I am locked away so that others won't find me weird has been difficult, and when I let that mask slip people don't know what to do because I no longer fit into the mold that society has built for me. I am learning that while I am intimidating to a lot of people, and I am intimidating when my mask falls away, there are always people around who welcome my wit and humor no matter how elevated it is. Those people are the ones that I need to focus on, not the fluff that I have mistakenly thought I needed to impress. With that comes such a feeling of lightness and freedom, I can take a deep breath and have the air fill my lungs completely instead of just sipping the oxygen like I used to. I should never have tried to be something that I am not and after all these years I can let all that shit just melt away. I don't need it anymore and I am letting it go.

Having the interests that I do has made me a bit of a target. Because I am not interested in clothes or who's dating who in Hollywood, a lot of my peers don't know how to relate to me. My best friend and I were talking about this today. We both face this sort of thing wherever we go: people find out we like comics and action figures and video games and their eyes glaze over. We don't respond in the way those people are conditioned to expect in social situations. Again, I have tried to repress that simply to 'fit in' and attempt to get along. I used to avoid certain situations because of the amount of stress I would go through; stress that I was unequipped to handle. Because of my awkwardness and inability to talk 'like a girl', ie: discuss fashion and Hollywood heartthrobs, I would find myself sitting or standing by myself which is not very fun at all. These days I have a new approach: Let the Wookie win.

If you don't get that, please stop reading my blog. You clearly don't belong here.

It Makes So Much More Sense Now

2009-07-20T08:40:00.000-04:00

I have been made aware that some of my posts sound as though the boy has been preventing me from doing things I love and that isn't true. The culprit has been me. For whatever reason, I have been neglecting myself and the decision to do so has always been mine to make. I know that this might sound as though I've pulled out my soapbox but this is my blog and I will say whatever the hell I want. I just wanted to set that straight. Now, if feelings get hurt through my facebook postings or subsequent blog entries, I have this to fall back on. Everyone happy?

See, and now that sounds bitchy. All I wanted to do was say that the boy didn't prevent me from doing anything I ever wanted to do. Period. I'm moving on now before I say something else stupid and have to explain that.

I have made a startling discovery (nice segue, wouldn't you agree?). There is something wrong with my apartment. I didn't notice at first because I was so excited to be there but the first set of clues was the fact that no plants will grow either inside the apartment or outside on the patio. That's right, outside on the patio where the sun shines is a dead plant zone. Weird hmm? It gets better. When I first brought Oscar home he was fairly docile. He would lay around, even he's only 3 and supposed to be more active, and whenever he nibbled on the plants he'd throw up. Thinking I knew what the problem was, I moved the plants out of his way. He continued to throw up and then the plants died. He has since stopped throwing up but now soemthing else is happening: he's become increasingly more active at night, and that's not a good thing.

He's panicking during the night. He wakes up, comes to me and wakes me up which pisses me off because he doesn't stop until I get up no matter what time it is. I get angry, and he grows more panicked and more desperate to get me up. It's a vicious cycle and I think the only reason I see it now is because I allowed my mind to wander this morning as I walked to work without my earphones on. The energy in the house is wrong. There's no balance; and the only reason I know that is from a conversation I had with my brother last night. I have to correct the energy flow in the house while I decide where to move to.

The decision to move originally came from not wanting to pay as much in rent as what I am, but has now become a health issue. If I cannot fix the energy in this place, I will have no option but to move which may not be a bad idea. After all, I would rather take a smaller place in a different area that I can work with and pay less rent for. I am planning to move out by October but we'll see what really happens. It might be sooner depending on what I find and how fast I can pack and arrange things with the boy for his stuff.

In retrospect I suppose I should have told him this first before blogging about it. Damn. Another screw up.

New Roads to Travel

2009-07-18T09:22:00.000-04:00

What I love most about being a writer is that my work appeals to different people at different times. Normally when I write there's a point to it and a paycheque attached. The rare times when I get to do my own things and still get paid are wonderful; I express myself in my own way and someone buys it from me. I just recently started writing for a website that I am a huge fan of: Dork Shelf. These guys are totally in tune with their inner geek and their site shows that. I will be contributing every other week and will mainly talk about toys but I have the option of writing about anything that tweaks my geek.

I have a massive headache today and cannot really think straight. I am going to see my brothers today and have a long drive ahead of me. I will go on and on about how great I am another time so just sit tight. I'll be back when my head feels better.

Ebb and Flow

2009-07-14T18:58:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to slip into a funk. I realize that things don't always go the way you think they should and that sometimes what you think you really wanted was only just a stepping stone to the big payoff. I am struggling with something that I thought that I had dealt with already but clearly haven't: loneliness. I am lonely.

Not lonely in the sense that I sit around and mope all day. I don't really have time for that. I am lonely in the sense that I have spent so much of my time focused on other people that now that I have my space and the potential to live my life the way I have always wanted, I am a little lost. I am not really sure how to go about doing this. I come home from work and my cat is the only one who greets me. I make him dinner, then I make my dinner, I watch some tv and I go to bed. I feel like this is what I need to be doing but I feel like I should be doing something different.

Don't get me wrong, I am loving being alone. I like coming home to Oscar. I guess I am the type of person who isn't ever alone for too long and I know why. While I am enjoying the peace and serenity of my own place, I still enjoy having a special someone in my life. Right now I am struggling to stay alone: trying to resist calling the boy and asking him to come home because I know that is not what I need. I need to be alone. I need to do my own thing and give myself permission to watch terrible movies at 4am if I want to. I have to do this by myself for myself. And I'm terrified.

What I Have Learned

2009-07-05T19:46:00.000-04:00

During the course of my adulthood, I have come up against many things that I believe would have felled any other person. Not to say that I am super-human, because I am not. I am simply a woman who has an innate understanding of the way I work and how that relates to the rest of my surroundings. Do I sound cocky and egotistical? Hmm. Perhaps I am being a bit too over the top with that last statement however I think it's true. Those who know me know what I have endured throughout my life and while I am not handing out invitations to a pity party, I am going to bring a couple of things to light.

In a week and a half I will be divorced for the second time. That's twice I have chosen a mate and been wrong. Twice I have pledged my heart, my soul and my love to someone who has proven to be less than worthy of such gifts. My first marriage occurred when I was very young and did not know the difference between love and obsession. We parted ways soon after we married as I found him in a compromising position with another woman. At that point of my life, there was no forgiveness in my heart for acts like that and so I chose a path without him. Many years later I decided that I had found the person with whom I could live out the rest of my days and be happy. That too turned out be false and in the process not only did I lose my husband but I also lost another relationship that was very dear to me.

What idea has more power over us than the idea of love? People say they love each other all the time but what are they really saying? If you were to ask for a definition, you would probably be met with a blank stare. My idea of love is an unfortunate one; unfortunate because I don't feel it is something that can be attained. What I want is so complicated and abstract and ever-changing, I don't think anyone would be able to give that to me. Not to say I won't try, I am just unsure of how far to go after realizing the futility of it all.

Ah, crap. I'm becoming all emo and maudlin. I'm just saddened by the culmination of everything that has gone wrong in the past year and the realization that people are jerks and would do pretty much anything for money. I know about people's prices and how flexible they become when pressed to the limits of their resources, but sometimes I just shake my head and wonder how they sleep at night carrying the knowledge of what they've done within them. Maybe it's just me; maybe I am one of the few truly good people left. I can say with absolute certainty that the events of the past few months would have not occurred if certain positions had been reversed.

Although I am sad and angry and hurt and feel like I've been made to look the fool, it hasn't been all bad. Divorce #2 has had its good moments: it has brought quite a few things to light that I might have otherwise missed. I know a lot more about the people around me and how they truly feel about me because of this. Most of it is negative, and even that is good to know because now it all makes sense to me. All of the confusion and hesitation I have been feeling is gone.

I have been handed a new chance and believe me, I intend to take it. Don't misunderstand me though, I am not bitter about any of this. In fact, I am relieved and in time I am going to be happy. I choose who enters my life momentarily and who stays. Now that all the pieces have fallen into place, I can make these decisions with precision and accuracy. Am I discounting love? Nope. But I am going to be much more careful from now on.

The Only Thing Constant is Change

2009-07-03T08:54:00.000-04:00

There have been a myriad of things happen during the last little while that have caused my spirit to begin to murmur; softly at first, but as I continued to ignore the scratching at the base of my brain it grew louder and more insistent until finally I could hear what it was saying. It isn't that I am particularily unhappy with my life: I have a good job, wonderful friends and a great place to live with my boy, however sometimes there is something missing. In this case what has been missing is me.

The boy and I have decided to take a break. We both agreed that we moved into this too fast, both of us having finished with previous relationships and spending a lot of time together in the aftermath. In my own defense, although I knew I shouldn't be dating so soon after my last relationship ended I thought that this would be what I needed precisely because he knows me so well. Who else should I end up with than someone who has been by my side through thick and thin? It was a fantastic idea that we were both unprepared for.

It doesn't matter who said what or who hurt whom. We have both made our share of mistakes and although we love each very much, the timing for this is not good. I am finishing up with a grueling situation that has only now begun to get resolved, and now I need the time I should have taken a year ago. It wasn't anything he did or said that pushed me over the edge; it was a combination of this situation and my own needs that I have been ignoring for too long. I realize that my timing probably couldn't have been worse, with him in a play and his birthday right around the corner, however these things cannot be planned out around personal schedules. I understand his anger/frustration with me asking him to find alternate accomodations as soon as possible. I get that he doesn't want to go and would rather try and work through it together. The challenge with that approach is that it does not leave room for what is truly needed by both of us: time away from each other to get our shit together.

To be honest, harsh words have been said. Feelings have been hurt. All this will heal in time and even though I know how much shit I am going to have to endure because of this decision, I need to focus on myself and do what I should have done a year ago. It absolutely tears me apart to know that I am hurting him, however I need to do this. I suppose a small part of me dreads the gossip that will ultimately arise from this; I have already encountered some backlash from what we've decided to do and I am expecting more. There are 3 sides to every story and I will not delude myself into thinking that I will get a chance to explain myself to those who are close to him. Does that matter? No, because those who know me, regardless of the connection, know that I always put other people ahead of myself. I take care of others before tending to my own needs. Do I care that people are going to have a field day with the fact that yet another relationship of mine has failed? Yes, but only insofar as the fact that I will not get the opportunity to present my side and it is all too easy to lay the blame on the person who isn't there to respond.

I have no control over other people and what they do or think. I have to focus on myself and get what I need done so that I can be happy with myself and the rest will follow. This includes doing what I need to in order to protect myself. I cannot make anyone happy until I am happy and let's face it, despite all the good things I have I am not as happy as I should be. It isn't that I am building my defenses up; quite the opposite. I have never been more open with others as I am right now. The key element that has been missing up until now is the courage to take whatever steps I need to in order to secure my happiness. As painful as this particular change is, I firmly believe that I am doing the right thing for myself. Anyone who can't see that does not need to be in my life.

Strange Times

2009-06-26T06:47:00.000-04:00

I went to the wedding. I saw many people that I hadn't seen in years, and met some new people who are now my friends. I didn't get weepy or punchy; I was pretty numb throughout most of the day. Once dinner and the ceremony were over and the speeches were said, the party started. And then something strange happened.

Growing up, music was always streaming through our house. Whether it was Mom's Motown hits or Dad's country, we grew up with an appreciation of music. My older brother is a musician and has been in a number of bands that have toured the country. I am not musically inclined although I wish I were. My older brother has two left feet so when he came and joined me on the dancefloor, I was a little shocked. I got over it quickly though.

This is the picture that my mother has been waiting years to see. This picture represents a lot of different things to me; the fact that my brother is back, that my family is slowly rebuilding itself and that I can now let go of a lot of anger that I've kept bottled up. I always thought that if my brother and I ever spoke again it would be at our mother's funeral, and I am glad to be wrong. Just this once.

Let's Do This

2009-06-20T12:05:00.000-04:00

Today is going to be interesting. I have been fighting with myself all week trying to decide if I am actually going to go ahead and do it. I am expected, I have been invited, however I still feel as though I am crashing because no one except for my big brother knows that I am attending. I am talking about my little brother's wedding. I have been asked to go and I still do not know if I am actually going to go ahead and attend.

My step-mother will be there and no doubt will be on her best behaviour. I don't know how I'm going to react to her. She was terrible to me when I was growing up; trying to mold me into what she thought I should be based on her childhood and the way she was raised. When I wouldn't adhere to her idea of what I should be, because I was a stubborn and willful child, she would beat me. My father stood back and let her, knowing full well that what she was doing was wrong but I suppose he felt powerless to intervene. Anyway, that's all ancient history and it's time to move on. The point is that she was a definite factor in the amount of therapy I have had to have over the years. And today I get to see her again.

My mother tells me that this will be good for me. I'm not sure what she means by that. I do know that I am much more prepared to see my step-mother this time than I was at my father's funeral. Also, today isn't about her. If she and I need to talk, we can do that some other time when her son isn't getting married. You can tell that I am stressed by the way I'm writing.

I have stalled long enough. Trying to not throw up. What the hell am I doing? Enough. I am going to go shower and go to this if for no other reason that to write about it when I get home.

Tired

2009-06-15T21:18:00.000-04:00

I am mentally exhausted and need a vacation. It isn't enough that I took a day off from work; I am just incredibly tired and really wish I could go away for a week. I can't because I have too much work to do and that is frustrating for me. I just want to sleep for a whole week.

Just like Oscar.

I Want Those Two Hours back

2009-06-13T10:24:00.000-04:00

Last night I went see Terminator Salvation and while I enjoyed myself immensely, it was a terrible movie. The first fifteen minutes were great; lots of action, tons of brooding from Christian Bale and then something happened. It was like someone reached into my head and planted the entire movie in there, cheesy lines and all, and said very quietly 'Now you know what happens. Go have a pint.'

I unfortunately didn't listen and stayed for the rest of the movie. The main reason I stayed was primarily to make sure the voice in my head was right. The other reason I stayed was because of the huge bag of popcorn I had yet to finish. Between the obvious links and deliberate pointing back to the first three movies, it was hard to tell if this was a new movie or outtakes from the others. I gave up trying to justify my choice of film; I love bad movies with lots of action, and this was right up my alley.

The writer in me kept seeing how it could have been so much better, how they could have taken this little piece of dialogue and expanded it, or cut this action scene back however when it comes right down to it this was not meant to win any kind of award. It was meant to entertain, not inform and it did just that. Plus, Sam Worthington was great as the secret Terminator. And I did not spoil it because believe me you can see that plot coming a mile away.

Now I have to go cook a chicken.

Why Even Bother?

2009-06-08T05:31:00.000-04:00

I got up this morning fully intending to work on my story and just realized that I have spent 36 minutes surfing the internet and checking out facebook. Okay, perhaps that isn't entirely true: I sent the piece I'm working on to my work email address so that I can print it out and edit it. Although that only counts as about a minute of work, it's still work and I still did it.

I never used to be a morning person, unless you count getting home at 5am and staying up until after coffee and bacon before heading to bed. This is somewhat different. I actually woke up excited this morning. Not sure if it's because everyone is my office is away at a conference and I can actually get my work done this week or if it's because I'm following through with something. I am a horrible procrastinator and will leave things to the very last second. I know it will take a little while for me to become used to this new routine, but I have to say I do like getting up early.

This week is going to be hectic. I have a lot of work to do and one of my colleagues is going on maternity leave at the end of the month so I need to pick her brain on a couple of things before she leaves. She takes care of a ton of small things in addition to her regular job and I want to make sure that those things are covered. No one has given any thought to that yet; I'd like to be able to say it's being handled when the time comes.

Now that I've spent too much time not doing what I had originally planned to do when I set my alarm last night, it's almost time to get ready for work. I don't feel as though I've let myself down though; this is a new process and once I become accustomed to it I will be more focused on doing what I rolled out of bed for: writing.

If this is going to work I will need to buy more cream for my coffee.

The Next Step

2009-06-07T11:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a great day. I spent the morning and part of the afternoon with R, going to an art gallery and speaking with the owner about art and creativity. When I spoke to him about the necessity of having a day job so that I could do what I love on the side, he completely agreed with me. He understood that I am not giving up on my dream, that I am being realistic and responsible by ensuring my bills are paid. While I would be able to freelance and be paid well, I am not willing to sacrifice my lifestyle just to show people I can do it. It is enough that I know I can do it and I no longer have anything to prove.

Further to that was the topic of education and whether or not it is useful. I am pro-education and continuously looking for courses to take or books to read. This fall I am going back to school to finally get the certification I need in order to charge more for my work. In my case, spending the money on the courses isn't negotiable: I have to spend this money in order to get more money later. While that may make me sound like a money-hungry bitch, I think of it as a logical decision that should be made for my benefit.

After I got home, I thought a lot about what we had discussed at the gallery and how it applies to my personal life. Without going into detail, I have made a decision that may cost me down the road. I spend a lot of my time ensuring that the people around me are well taken care of and I would rather focus on their happiness than my own. Whether it's because I don't really know what makes me happy or I am too uncomfortable to examine myself to find out, the fact remains that I need to focus on myself. Doesn't mean I'm going to become single anytime soon; it just means I need to shift my focus to myself. Part of that means I need to write more, as it is my passion and something that I need in my life. I have left it for a little while simply because life got in the way and there were other things that needed to be done. Now that they are dealt with, I have to get back to what I was doing before: getting up early to write before going to work.

I have always found that starting my day off in that manner makes for a better day. I am in desperate need of a mental workout and I can do that by writing. I have started running again and I am amazed at how quickly the extra puffiness comes away. Not that I was fat; I put on a bit of weight when I was pregnant and just became lazy. Now that I have started running, I am fitting back into clothes that I had had to put aside because of the extra bit of me. Running and writing. I am right back to my 20's when that's all I used to do. Things really do come full circle, don't they? I was right where I needed to be and I drifted away because of a variety of things but just like fashion seems to revive every decade, so does life.

I almost forgot. In a couple of weeks I am going to my little brother's wedding. I know, my family tree is becoming a shrub with all the twists and turns and nothing seems to match up like it should. D is the product of my father and second wife. He is getting married and has no idea I will be there as I haven't spoken to him in almost 12 years, just like my big brother M. His fiancee is aware that I am coming and completely supports it. I suspect there may be some tears shed when we do see each other.

Now that I am all warmed up, I am going to end this and go finish my submission to an amazing sci-fi magazine so that they can publish it and make me happy.

A Bitch, A Complaint and some Awesomeness

2009-05-21T09:16:00.000-04:00

Bitch:

I'm pretty sure I've already bitched about this but I'm still so damn angry I need to do it again. Two weekends ago was Mother's Day and the boy and I went to see my mom. We picked up a gift and a lovely card and were prepared to sit through the mounds of bullshit that my step-father was going to dish out. We got there, said hello and I noticed that the dining room table wasn't set the usual way when we go there for dinner. No fancy placemats, no chargers, no crystal, nothing. Just an empty table. I turned to my mother to ask her wtf, and she said that my step-father had decided that we weren't going to make a big deal about dinner. I just stared at her, furious. Knowing full well that he was in the next room, I said very loudly, "He does know that today is Mother's Day and that Father's Day is right around the corner, correct? I am guessing we won't be making a big deal out of that, either?"

We ate in the kitchen. What an asshole. Just wait until Father's Day rolls around and I don't make a big deal out if it like I normally do. Jackass.

Complaint:

I am tired of being labelled the bad guy for speaking my mind and holding fast to my principles. Speaking my mind at work hasn't netted me a raise however it has given me the chutzpah to go looking for a new job. When people don't do what they say they will, I file that information away for later and make sure I have the necessary back up for when the shit hits the fan. I cannot tell you how many times I've been asked the status of a project that I am not working on and expected to provide the answer. I have stopped trying to answer and begun to allow those who are responsible, and I use that term loosely, to actually blubber and sputter their way through whatever excuse they can muster at the time. It is very empowering to know that by giving up control of something, I am actually regaining control. And I also enjoy the look of terrified understanding on their faces when they realize that it all could have been avoided by simply working with me and not trying to fuck me over.

And now for the Awesomeness:

Last weekend was my stupid step-father's birthday barbeque. It was also the first time in 12 years that I have seen or spoken to my older blood brother. While it was awkward at first, he and I quickly reclaimed the friendship we shared when we were younger, to the point where he invited me up to his house for a weekend. We had a very long talk and finally were able to talk through some things that have been the basis for our non communication; things that had been eating away at both of us simply because we are both too stubborn to pick up the phone for fear of opening ourselves to pain. During our fantastic talk, we both were rebuked by our step-father for not joining the party. We looked at each other, and then before my brother could say anything, I reminded my step-father that I have not seen my brother in 12 years. I then directed him back to his party and away from us.

My brother has always held a very special place in my heart and I have missed him so much throughout these years. I completely opened up to him and told him that, and to my complete surprise he echoed my feelings. I don't really remember too much of the party to be honest, I was pretty fixated on my brother and his wife. They are a lovely couple, and she was instrumental in finally getting through to my brother and convincing him that sometimes you need to let go of the past and move forward in order to find peace.

It was a little weird being in my mom's kitchen with both my mom and my brother. It felt like no time had passed at all and we were still the same crazy giggling family we always were. I have always wanted my own family comprised of my own flesh and blood, and now it seems as though I have them. But that's not the best part. I also have a little brother whom I haven't seen in almost as long, and after my older brother told him the stories of our meeting, he now wants to see me too. And he's getting married next month. And they want me to go to the wedding. And we're going to build my Lego Death Star that's still in the box from Christmas together. As a family. Me and my brothers and my sisters-in-law. Wow.

And honestly, I don't need to hear any crap from anyone about how I was supposed to have a Death Star building party and now everyone's all upset because it won't happen. It will happen. I'm just going to build it with my brothers first. And if any of you have a problem with that, guess who won't be invited to the second building?

I Love it When A Plan Comes Together

2009-05-11T14:28:00.001-04:00

This weekend was one of the best ever. There really isn't one definitive thing that happened that makes me say that, it's more of a meshing of everything that happened. Friday night I was out with my girlfriends and we went dancing. The last time I did that I was with a different group of people and in a very different place in my life. Friday night reminded me that life doesn't stand still no matter how much you may want it to and that when it moves you either move with it or get left behind.

Saturday the boy and I spent with my mom. We took her a gift and a sappy card and she made us burgers and fries. More than the food though, we sat around after my step-father left and just giggled. She also surprised me with a gift that brought tears to my eyes: a book full of her memories of my grandmother. It also included pictures when I was little; pictures of my dad, my mom and me on my first day home (my mom had the same hairstyle back then that I am sporting right now: weird) and lots of other stuff. One of the nicest things was that it's written by my mother, so it's all her memories of me when I was a kid and how she felt when she was a kid. It really opened my eyes to read that. I have always known that I am special to my mom and it made me feel very special to be given something so lovingly and painstakingly put together by her. I am still flipping through the pages and finding out new things about my mother and I love her even more because she's allowed me to see that secret part of her that she doesn't show anyone.

After my mom's, we went to a friend's birthday party. Then we went to a terrible strip club. Then we went to an awesome comedy club. Then on the way home, I called 911 for the very first time in my life.

The main street by our house is undergoing construction and part of it is blocked to all southbound traffic. This means you have to find an alternate route, as in don't drive any further; there is no road. We were driving northbound and saw a black sports car dragging part of the chainlink fence on its hood. The car had smashed through the barrier fence, taken off part of its fancy underside skirting and was sparking the whole way. The car was swerving, and due to the time (almost 2am) the boy and I were afraid that with the clubs letting people out someone was going to get hurt. I called 911 to let them know, and laughed when the woman asked for any distinguishing marks on the car. I told her it was dragging a fence. Then we went home and played a videogame and went to bed.

Sunday we went to see the boy's mother and went for lunch then I napped the whole way home. We got home late afternoon and sat in front of the television until I decided I needed to go to bed. There was a sleeping cat in my lap making me drowsy and I finally gave up around 9pm.

Great weekend, with another great one coming up. I have so much work to do, but I'm not complaining. Between my regular work and the magazine I'm editing plus my writing, I am going to need this long weekend to catch up on few things like sleep. And Descent.

The Friday Cometh...

2009-05-08T16:08:00.000-04:00

The past few weeks have been a bit of blur. I am so mentally exhausted that I have been sitting here trying to write something smart and witty for the past few minutes and all I've come up with is the revelation that my cat might be gay. I've also realized that the magazine I'm editing is full of errors and it's making me want to curl up into a ball and cry. So, I'm editing hopeful writers' work and trying to be nice about it but the truth is, if you cannot string together coherent sentences and spell them correctly, perhaps you should focus your energies on schooling yourself in the literary arts before trying to sell your work. Just an idea.

On a completely different note, I am almost finished my story for the sci-fi magazine who wants to publish it. That's exciting, except I'm too tired to fully appreciate what that means: I'm breaking into a competely new writing genre. New to me, anyway.

Although things are busy, I am fairly happy and content with the way things are going. My work is good, my job is great, the boy and I just celebrated our one-year anniversary last week and I don't really have any complaints. None that are valid anyway. I will always find something to complain about if I look hard enough.

Until next time, stay frosty and watch your back. Samsquanches are afoot.

Randomness

2009-04-18T14:42:00.000-04:00

This past week has been a complete and utter mess. I am in the middle of judging for an awards show and while all the packages of entries have been sent, I have to get the judges to submit their marks so that I can release the top ten winners in each of the 20 or so categories. That's a lot of work to begin with, but add to it an AGM (Annual General Meeting) for a very high maintenance group of women and it has been absolute mayhem. Plus, earlier this week one of my judges passed away and needed to be replaced. I can't even begin to describe how difficult that was, not only dealing with the passing of a literary icon but trying to find someone worthy of his position on the judging team. I managed to pull it all off this week, right down to voting cards for the meeting Monday morning. Unbelievable. So last night, after this horrendous week, I decided it was time to karaoke.

Okay, really it was the boy's idea as he needed to meet up with one of his friends and knew she'd be there however I wasn't going to go simply because of the stressful week I'd had. The boy and I met up with my brother and his friend P who were sitting on a patio and after a few pints, I decided that I would go to karaoke but wouldn't sing. I really thought that, honest. We met up with our friends and next thing I knew I was being called up to sing. So I did, and I rocked, for once. Maybe it was because on the way the boy told me that I normally choose the wrong songs. this time I chose different songs and it actually didn't sound too bad. Unless I'm deluding myself, which also might be the case.

In the middle of all this, Jerry O'Connell walked in and sat down at our table. No joke. He showed me pictures of the babies and Rebecca, and we had an awesome chat about kids and marriage. He was there because the host of the karaoke is a friend of his and Jerry was in town and thought he'd come check it out so he could tell everyone back in LA what the host does what he's in Toronto. Needless to say, there were many pictures being emailed back to LA last night!

Today when I woke up and remembered that I sat and drank 50 with Jerry O'Connell it reminded me that sometime you have to go out when you don't feel like it because you never know what might happen. Last night was great because of all the great songs people sang and the environment was awesome. I will remember that the next time I think I'm too tired to go have fun.

Mom to the rescue

2009-04-05T10:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my brother's 40th birthday party. I met my parents at the subway station and we went together. As a family. Yikes. It was good to see my sister-in-law and my nieces and to hang out with the rest of my family. I don't get to see them very often, which is my fault, so it was nice to get a chance to catchup and see what everyone is doing. My mom and I sat together for the entire thing, and I helped her curb her jealousy at the sight of my step-father helping his ex-wife figure out how to work her camera. My mom tends to hold a grudge, much like a few people I know, and she knows how to say the right thing at the right time to enforce that.

I ended up going back to my parents house for dinner and the boy met me there. We had a great time, except for me attempting to 'help' my mom with dinner. She was making one of my favourites: pork tenderloin in a maple glaze sauce. In order to make this dish, you sear the tenderloin in a stainless steel frying pan and transfer it to the oven to cook. When the pan comes out of the oven 20 minutes later, the meat is transfered to a plate and tinfoil tented over it to keep it warm. The sauce is made in the same pan and simmered until reduced. I was in charge of the sauce and as my mom took the pan out of the oven, she reminded me over and over that it was hot and that I needed a glove to handle it.

I was offended that she thought she needed to remind me. I had done this a bajillion times and didn't think I needed the reminder. I think you know the rest. Aloe on my fingertips for the rest of the night, followed by vitamin e spray that instantly took away the sting. I stood there for a few minutes after I had touched the handle; it was such a natural gesture I didn't think about how hot it was. I didn't want to tell my mom what I'd done because I knew she'd make fun of me.

She made fun of me alright, but not before she made sure I wasn't too badly burned. It was bad, but not hospital bad. This morning my fingertips are crispy and gross. It will take couple of days to heal completely but maybe this means I'm off dish-duty until then. Not so bad after all.

Just Answer me. Now.

2009-03-24T13:34:00.000-04:00

One of the most infuriating things that I have to deal with at work is the lack of response. I realize that people are busy, expecially now that many companies are downsizing and those who are left have to pick up the slack but come on. Answer your emails. Return phone calls. Be mindful of other people's time and efforts.

I am coordinating a judging panel of both English and French speaking people in a series of judging efforts that span four provinces in three weeks. It all happens at once and it all has to be completed by a specific time. I have no doubt that this will go smoothly; I am just wishing that those people who are still undecided about their participation would make up their minds and then tell me so I can replace them. It is getting a little too late in the day for me to have to redo the entire judging panel but if that's what has to happen, so be it. Although I may have to be committed if that occurs.

In other news, my poor bff is being put through the wringer at work. I think she's looking for a new job right now. There's only so much a person can take before they snap, and she is very close to snapping. People are changing her documents and locking them so she can't change them back, deleting things she needs from the shared drive and generally making her life miserable. Just like high school. Poor thing. I was hoping that games tonight would cheer her up but I don't think she's going.

Right now things are pretty bleak. Although I love my job, I'm having doubts about it and I have been told that there are 'things coming up' that I might be interested in. Having said that, I guess it's time to dust off the resume and get cracking. Things don't just happen for people: you have to make them happen for yourself and I certainly won't get another job just by willing it to happen.

It Didn't Suck. At All.

2009-03-19T08:31:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago my mother called to ask if I would want to go and see 'Dirty Dancing' with her and some colleagues from work. I hesitated, because I hated the movie, but agreed to go. I thought it would be a great way to spend a bit of time with her outside of family things (meaning without my step-father around). Last night was the big night and I have to admit, it didn't suck.

It wasn't the best thing I'd ever seen onstage, but it was entertaining. The girl playing the lead role was fantastic, which was unfortunate for everyone else in the cast as she really stood out and the rest were just filler. I thought that she was perfectly suited to the role and played it really well. What was astonishing was the amount of older ladies in the audience, hooting and hollering each time the lead male came on stage. It was almost as if they thought they were in a male strip club, with the loud requests for the men to take off their clothes ringing through the theatre every five minutes.

The main thing I want in a movie or a play or a musical is that I don't want to perceive the passage of time. If I have no idea how long I've been sitting there watching something, then I deem it good. If I look at my watch, or find my thoughts drifting away, then I'm not being entertained and I feel like I've wasted my money. Last night fell in the 'good' category because I really enjoyed watching the characters play their parts. I have no idea how it's different from the movie or which parts have been changed or edited out and I really don't care. I remember hating the movie and this was a pleasant surprise. I wouldn't go see it again, but it was good to see once with my very opinionated mother who needed to tell me which songs in the musical she still had on vinyl.

The whole thing from start to finish was really good, although I really enjoyed the scene where Baby's father rips up the cheque he was going to give to the 'nice' guy going to med school who had knocked up the main dancing girl which caused the huge kerfuffle between Baby and her father. That guy was a douche. My mom said so.

Very Good Readin'

2009-03-18T09:26:00.000-04:00

I have been on a bit of a reading tear lately, having finished four books in a week. Some might argue that comics aren't books, but when you have to read words and decipher pictures to get the entirety of what the writer and artist are trying to make you see/feel, I would strongly disagree and even go so far as to offer that comics are perhaps more difficult to read than regular books. In regular books, the writer tells you what to see/hear/feel without letting you take what you want from the story. Comics are the complete opposite; the written story is directly influenced by the choice of artist who chooses panel placement/size to better reflect the emotions that they are trying to evoke in the reader. Working together, pictures and words tell a more complete story in that the reader is given the choice of what they will take away from it.

Two stories stand out the most in what I've read: 'The Graveyard Book' by Neil Gaiman and 'Joker' written by Brian Azzarello and drawn by a slew of talented artists. I am so impressed with the calibre of story-telling in both of these books that I've loaned them out with strict instructions to read them. Sometimes people accept books and don't read them and that bothers me. If I've gone to the trouble of bringing you a book that I think you would enjoy why wouldn't you either read it or tell me to take it back? That's clearly another post though.

Gaiman's book centres on a baby boy whose family is brutally slaughtered. The baby, having escaped death by wandering into a cemetary, is taken in by the inhabitants of the cemetary and raised as their son. He learns things from each citizen of the graveyard and eventually the full story of who he is and why he must be killed is revealed. A great read that you wish would never end, but sadly it does and I cried. For real.

Azzarello's take on Joker was absolutely devastating. We all know that Joker is crazy but this story explores just how crazy crazy can get. He drags everyone else along with him for the ride and it's terrifying and exhilarating and hysterically funny and sad all at the same time. Plus, Harley is clad in red and black PVC right from her first appearance and that's always a pleasure to see.

I love books, and have too many of them to prove it. I enjoy finding new things to read and I love passing them along. When I find stories that move me, I am inspired to try and create that feeling in my own writing. A good story is worth all the pain and suffering that it sometimes takes in order to write it. Reading these two stories and understanding how long it has taken to get them out of the writer's head and into my hands is also very comforting. Sometimes it's easy to lose track of the amount of time and energy it actually takes to write a good story, and it reminds me that I am on track with my own work. The old adage is true: you can't rush perfection.

Here's Why

2009-03-06T08:38:00.000-05:00

Whenever I hear that yet another comic book that I love is being made into a movie, I cringe. Some comics just cannot survive the transition from print to screen and it's very upsetting when producers and Hollywood writers try to force it. Like Daredevil. Like the first Hulk. Other comics translate perfectly simply because of the nature of the book: Batman, Spider-man, X-Men, and so on. One of the best comic-to-movie adaptations I've ever seen is Hellboy because in my humble opinion, they got everything right. From the lead character played flawlessly by Ron Perlman to the perfect rendition of Abe's costume, as far as I'm concerned that movie hit the comic dead on. Knowing how hit-or-miss the whole comic movie phenomenon is and how fickle the fans are, I wasn't expecting much from Watchmen. Not much at all. So why then did I find myself in a movie theatre at midnight watching it when I should have been home in bed? Because I am a nerd and I had to see it for myself.

Mere hours later and I'm thinking of how I'm going to fit another couple of viewings into my already jam-packed weekend. That's how incredible I thought is was. Despite the absence of the giant squid (read the comic and you'll totally understand), the whole epic was great. The boy went with me and said it was the first time he'd seen a movie where he knew exactly what was going to happen and who was going to speak and what they were going to say for the duration of the almost 3 hour long movie. Not once during the film did I catch myself wondering what time it was, or thinking that something could have been done better. Not once was I upset that I was going to be ruined for work the next day because of this movie. My red-rimmed eyes and unkempt hair are badges of honor for having gone to midnight show on a school night.

On a completely different note, I may have to change my favourite hero. It's always been a toss-up between Batman and Hawkman with a bit of Namor thrown in for Marvel/DC diversity, but now I think it may be Rorschach/Walter Kovacs. There's so much that I could say to back-up my sudden shift in hero-worship, but I won't ruin the movie . Yet.

So, I'm exhausted and satisfied with the movie. Now I just have to get through the next eight hours so I can go home and nap.

Let the Games Begin

2009-02-09T08:47:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was fantastic. A bunch of us gathered over at the Gaymesmaster's house to play an extended version of the game we played on my birthday. In this version, there is a map of an entire land with paths and towns and dungeons that we, as the adventuring heroes, have to explore and loot as needed.

Last night we didn't get very far. In this version, the dungeons have three sections to it (connected by a sparkly portal...oooh), and after seven hours we only managed to get through the first two parts of the first dungeon. We're thinking that we'll probably get through the rest of the dungeon during our next session. Or maybe not...

I like playing boardgames. Sitting around a table with my friends, plotting to destroy the evil Overlord; that's good times. Even better on a lazy Sunday when the alternative might have been to clean the apartment. The trick is to get started early, and by starting at 2pm, we managed to still have part of the day to run around and do whatever needed to be done before going to the game. Plus, next time we play we will know what we're doing so hopefully we can finally buy the damn boat.

There are three types of roads in the game: normal, river and secret. Normal you take whenever; you don't need anything special to travel on it. River paths require a boat which requires money which requires killing monsters in dungeons and on paths. Ditto for secret paths, except we need a map which I think is twice as much as the boat. What's interesting about this is that when you buy the boat somehow it magically comes with you. Not sure how that works but I'm sure wizards are involved. After finishing the dungeon, we'll go back to town and buy the boat and then continue on. Unless someone has a better idea?

Just Go and Send me Thanks

2009-01-28T11:46:00.000-05:00

http://alienlovespredator.com/2009/01/27/that-thing-is-my-mother/

I don't need to explain this. Two of my favourite things in a comic strip: aliens and predators.

Coming Out Okay

2009-01-27T11:45:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what happens when you decide to stop shutting people out. I decided to talk to the boy, to really honestly talk to him and to cry and to let him comfort me and although things are not absolutely perfect, I have faith that they will be.

I was sitting at home alone watching reruns of cartoons and I was very unhappy. He was out with some friends and I had chosen to stay home. By myself. Miserable. As I sat there, I realized that I was unhappy not only because of the heart-wrenching ordeal I have just been through but also because I had decided that I would do this alone. Again. I sat there, miserable, and made another decision; a different one this time, one that I should have made a long time ago but was always too scared to go through with. I decided to apologise.

Even though we were both at fault for various things that have happened, I needed to tell him that I am sorry. I needed to let him know that even though I have this ridiculous image of myself running through my head that I strive to maintain at all costs, I need him in my life because he is my partner. One could argue that he is possibly the only person who can actually handle me. Point is, I made a mistake and I had to apologise for it.

I chose to try again with him because I realized the futility of continuing on the way I have been. I don't want to start over again and again when all I really need to do is tend to what I already have. I refuse to be that woman who is angry at the world and terribly bitter because she can't let anyone in for fear of being hurt. I have spent too much of my life being angry and it has netted me nothing. Time to let go of it.

I realize that I will probably lose more friends because of this. No one likes to see someone else happy when they aren't, so I'm fully expecting people to drop me. It amazes me though that people who bitch and moan about how terrible their lives are don't do anything to right it. They would rather see themselves proven correct than actually try and change things. I did that for years and it made me miserable. I don't want to be miserable anymore.

I am still having a hard time dealing with our loss, but now it's our loss and not just mine. That makes it easier to bear, knowing that he's there and understands how I feel. We will probably try again sometime down the road but for now I'm okay with just having him and Oscar.

What Attempts to Destroy You...

2009-01-24T09:41:00.000-05:00

I have always fallen prey to thinking I can change things, both for myself and others. When I attempt to do so, all hell breaks loose and although I know that this will happen each time, I still do it. Why then did I think that this time would be any different? Because I am also somewhat of an optimist, and I like to think, as deluded as it may sound, that at some point what I am trying to do might actually succeed.

In this case, something has happened that not only was I not prepared for in the beginning, I also was completely not in the loop as to the wheres and whys of it ceasing. It's something that women don't normally talk about, yet as soon as one finds out that it's happened to someone they know, the flood gates open and a huge outpouring of emotional stories from people start to fill your email inbox.

My boy and I had talked about having children. We figured we were ready for it and to be honest, I didn't think I would get pregnant simply because I know how difficult it is under normal circumstances and my situation is anything but normal! Imagine then, six months later, when I'm staring down at a home pregnancy indicator that I've just peed on and it's telling me that I'm pregnant. For real. I have pictures of it because I thought I was seeing things. After going to the doctor and getting it confirmed, we sat down silently in awe of what we'd done.

The doctors tell you not to say anything until after the three month/12 week period has passed but really, who doesn't tell people? So we did. We told a few people including our close friends and family and sat back to wait for the time to pass so we could tell everybody. Sadly though, this was one of those times where things just wouldn't happen the way we'd like them to.

I lost the baby. Whether it was due to stress or the fact that I was very ill and lost too much weight, it doesn't matter. I am no longer carrying life in me and that is not easy to deal with, especially since most women don't even tell people when it happens and there really isn't too much in the way of support. Without my mom, I'm not sure if I would have been able to go back to work and carry on. She has been my rock, and I cannot thank her enough for everything that she has done during this time for me. My mom doesn't dwell on the fact on that I lost it; she prefers instead to tell me that clearly this wasn't the right time for this event to happen and that it doesn't mean that I cannot try again later, which is followed up with a cheerful reminder that at least I know it all works down there. And she's right. It does work, and I am happy for that.

What I'm not happy about is the state of my relationship, which has spiraled down into non-existence. Not only have I lost a chance at being a mother, I have potentially lost my partner as well. So why am I still trying so hard to see the silver lining? Because I realize that people, just like time, ebb and flow and that sometimes what isn't right at this precise moment could be right at some other time.

I know that the common denominator in all my failed relationships is me. I also know that my decisions regarding partners have not been made with my best interests at heart. I could launch into a psychological lecture regarding this but really, let's not. I don't look at my past relationships as failures, I see them as attempts to figure out what I want in my life. For me there's no such thing as failure per se, there's only a delay while I find another way to achieve what I desire.

This is all well and good but when it really comes down to it, why do I keep messing things up? The boy said something to me the other night while we were discussing the break-up and it has resonated with me ever since. He told me that I have an image of myself that I go out of my way to ensure I adhere to no matter what even when it may cost me something I want very much. Because of that, I make sure that things don't work out and that people don't get close to me and those that manage to get close end up getting very hurt.

Wow. This past week has been full of tears, pain and soul-searching and at the end of the day I till have nothing concrete. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do that to protect myself and in doing so I make sure no one can take care of me that way that I secretly want them to. Almost as if I set myself up to fail; and that completely contradicts everything I just wrote earlier in this post. I'm dealing with the loss of my child, the loss of my partner and I am very, very lost. This might be too much for me to handle by myself and this might be the time where I find myself swallowing back that image and reaching out for someone. The only question is...who is left?

A Guy Like Oscar

2009-01-11T19:21:00.000-05:00

There is new man in my life. His name is Oscar. He is precisely what I had in mind when I first started my search for a new feline companion. He's been in the apartment for about 5 hours and he's already found his spot: wherever my lap is. His purr is very loud and rumbly and you can feel it even when he's sitting at the opposite end of the couch.

My mom sent me a link to an cat rescue where volunteers go to shelters and rescue cats that would otherwise be euthanized due to over population. They take care of the animals and ensure that they are spayed or neutered before allowing them to be adopted out. Their application form is twice as long as the one required by the Toronto Humane Society and far more thorough.

As soon as I saw Oscar's picture, I fell in love. I emailed asking if he was still available and when I found out he was, I dropped everything to go rushing to meet him. Now, he's sleeping on the couch on his back with all four legs splayed in the air. He is definitely content.

Anyway. I'm going to go cuddle with my cat now. He's very soft and loves it when I rub his belly.

What a Great Idea

2009-01-09T12:01:00.000-05:00

While trolling through the usual websites I frequent, I came across something so startling and awesome that I just had to share. Believe me when I say that I spent the better part of my day going through each and everyone of these pictures just to make sure I was actually seeing what I was seeing. It's a cat who is making a name for himself snapping pictures. How does he do it? He has a lightweight digital camera attached to his collar that snaps a picture every 2 minutes. His owners then download the images and post them on his blog.

I can't say anymore than that. Go check it out. You won't be sorry...some of the pictures the cat has taken are better than most of the photos people put up on their sites.

Other than that awesome blog, nothing is really happening. I'm going to my mother's tomorrow so she can learn me how to knit. I tried this once before and was so stressed out by the entire process that I vowed to never do it again. I've since changed my mind because I like torturing myself and giving my mother yet another reason to be disappointed in me. She's going to feed me so it won't be all for naught. Maybe this time I can actually complete a square instead of throwing the yarn in the garbage in a blinding rage. It will be nice to hang out with my mom. My step-father won't be there so it will be nice and quiet with the possibility of some giggling.

I make my mom out to be some horrible woman but she really isn't. She used to have unusually high expectations of me, which in my youth I did my best to attain, but now that I'm older and she's mellowed out we get along fine. She is finally understanding my lack of drive to succeed in an office environment and is beginning to come to terms with the fact that I will be quitting my job to write full time. She is proud of me for doing what I've needed to to pay the rent while at the same cultivating my desire to be creative. I think her biggest fear when I first started writing was that I would quit everything and just sit at home waiting for writing jobs to land in my lap. I've managed to be fortunate enough in that I can pick and choose which projects I take and I am well paid for them. Not too many people can say that. Now that she finally understands what the whole writing thing means to me she is much more relaxed and doesn't get that parental-panicked look at the thought of possibly having to fork over cash for my rent because my cheque hasn't arrived.

Anyway. Things are good and I am happy. The end.

Sadness + Loneliness = Awesome Writing Fodder

2009-01-06T20:03:00.000-05:00

I am sad. I don't normally get this down, but recent events have made me maudlin. What a great word; wish I made it up. If you aren't a cat person, this will make absolutely no sense to you so you might as well go back to youtube and watch some kid pretend he's a Jedi.

Two years ago I had to put my cat down. She was 16 years old and my constant companion for 14 of those years. She saw me through one terrible marriage, countless boyfriends and a few apartments. When she died, I had just moved and hadn't changed my address with the vet so when they sent me flowers to console me, they went to my previous address. The girl I used to live with, who had been very close to me for almost eight years, didn't tell me that flowers had arrived or that the vet had sent a card. In fact, I didn't find out about the gesture until a month later when I went back to pick up my mail. When I saw the card and understood that she had just taken the flowers without even letting me know they had come, I was crushed. Eight years of friendship and she didn't tell me. I can understand if she was upset about my cat, but since she didn't console me or come to visit when I called and told her I had to put the cat down, I am not sure if she even cared.

I couldn't have another pet after that, simply because she was the best cat ever. I grew up on a farm with seven cats, five dogs, two horses, fish and regular livestock so I am used to having animals around me and part of my family. When the boy and I decided that we would get a cat, I was so happy. I'd been feeling like a piece of me needed to be healed and I thought this would be the best way to help that. We went to the pound and selected a cat who I thought would be another member of our family. What we got was something very different.

We had to take her back. She was too feral for us to handle; she wouldn't let us near her to pet her, she'd attack me when I was feeding her and finally she began to urinate on things. She was so territorial, hissing and spitting and such that we decided we couldn't have her. So, we spent half an hour getting her into her carrier and took her back.

I cried that night when we got home. I was so looking forward to a cuddly warm kitty to curl up with on the couch and that can't happen right now. I miss my old cat so much, even now. I still have her picture by my bedside. I know, ridiculous, but I'm an animal person.

Since we took her back, the pound told us we wouldn't be able to adopt another cat from them. That kind of upset me as they didn't have a complete file on her and couldn't tell us simple things like how old she is. I can see their point though; the pound isn't like a department store where you can just adopt a cat and bring it back if you don't want it anymore. The woman we dealt with did however made a note on our file of what had happened so there might be some leniency if we decide in the future to adopt another cat.

I'm not sure I want to right now. I would have to have a cat literally fall into my lap at this point and the chances of that happening are very slim...and that makes me sadder still.

Time for popcorn and a terrible zombie movie. That always cheers me up.

Thank God That's Over

2009-01-05T14:16:00.001-05:00

I'm not normally one to complain but am I ever glad that 2008 is done. This year's end celebration was a bit low key for me: just a few friends hanging out in one of our favourite places and doing disco karaoke. You heard me. I didn't participate simply because the boy has such an amazing voice that I feel like an idiot trying to croak my way through three and a half minutes of a song that probably would sound better if a four year old sang it instead of me. So I sat and chatted with my friends while others forgot their own insecurities and sang their hearts out. Once the new year was counted in though, I was ready to go home.

For Christmas, the boy's parents gave me LEGO Death Star. It measures 16 inches in diameter with 24 lego dudes including the trash compactor monster. I haven't cracked it open yet but apparently I have to invite everyone over for a Death Star building party. As if I'm going to share that with anyone. I'm planning to open it soon and once the building starts I'm going to bore all of you with endless photos and commentary. Don't say you weren't warned.

There are a lot of things that I am looking forward to in 2009. Some may happen and others definitely will happen whether I want them to or not but I will be content with the end result whatever that may be. This is usually the point where I say something incredibly prolific (that's a real word, I didn't just make it up) but I am too tired to pull anything out of my hat right now. Next time I'll say something doubly prolific. Promise.

Surviving Christmas

2008-12-30T10:20:00.000-05:00

Christmas is a great time for getting together with people you haven't seen since last year and playing catch up in 10 minutes or less. The amount of food hasn't changed at my parents place even though the guest list has dwindled through the years. My mother still makes enough food for a small army and I still get to take most of it home (yum!).

This year felt different though. The past year has been very difficult for me and even though I have managed to get through most of it relatively unscathed, there are patches that are still quite raw. Being around my flawed family made me feel better about it all perhaps because I saw them in a completely different light this year. I recognise the need to be loved and the need to love, and I also understand that sometimes those two things are placed in the wrong recipient's hands. Watching my mother and my stepfather interact reminded me that everyone is flawed, and that sometimes the reason why you love someone is because of their flaws.

It's true that you cannot choose who you fall in love with. You can however choose what to do with that love: either help them build a life with you or let them walk away because it looks too difficult and you might possibly get hurt. It's pretty obvious what I chose when faced with that decision. When I think back to my previous relationships and how much of myself I gave in order to keep that person around I'm thankful that now I don't have to do that. He's with me because he loves me and not out of guilt or anything else. We've had our share of tough times and we've built an even stronger relationship with each other because of those tough times.

Like I said, this year wasn't the greatest to begin with. But like all things that ebb and flow, tides are changing and I'm doing well. After a while, the things that still bother me won't anymore because I will have other more important things to take care of and I just won't have time to long for times that have passed. I am still sad, but that too will pass. Life is a ever-changing event, and I am looking forward to the coming year in so many ways.

Christmas Reflections

2008-12-19T12:26:00.000-05:00

Maybe this isn't the best time to be reflecting but I can't help it. Something about the snow and wind make me want to reflect on the past year and how terrible it started. Thinking about things like that make me feel better about where I am right now: surrounded by people who love me and care for me and cutting all those who don't out of my life to some degree.

Of ocurse, you can't always cut people out entirely. There is always overlap in every circle, and this is no different. Just because I no longer speak to someone doesn't mean I don't know what she's up to. In fact, I probably know more about her now than I did before. People may say they don't choose sides but somewhere down the road they always do.

What upsets me the most is that people talk around you but not to you. I think of how much of this high-school bullshit could have been avoided if two people had actually sat down and talked like reasonable adults. I don't care about the terrible things that are being said about me; I look at who it's coming from and I understand that that person is upset about something that has nothing to do with me. Sucks that I get burned for it but what are you going to do? I figure that in this case it was just a matter of time before something came up to make this person want to get rid of me. Don't know why she didn't just tell me to go away; that would have hurt also but at least she would have been honest with me instead of doing all this bullshit that she's doing now. Like I wouldn't find out. I always find out.

I think the most hurtful part of this is that she's been getting a mutual friend to check up on me and report back to her. I know she's been doing this ever since this whole thing started; I'm not stupid and the questions I get asked over coffee are pointed. Each time I have to steel myself for the usual barrage of meaningless banter before we get down to the nitty-gritty: which always includes this person trying to get me to say something terrible about the one who no longer speaks to me. I never do; not that I don't have nasty things to say about her. I just don't share them. I wonder though, does she know that this person is a double agent? And why do I go for coffee knowing that this is happening? Because I miss her, and hearing about what she's up to through another person is almost as good as being there. I could do without the play-by-play on how much she hates me though.

One last thought: if someone you call a friend is so willing to backstab someone for you, why wouldn't they do the same to you? What makes you so special? Bubble-bursting time: you aren't. People are telling me everything you are saying about me. Not just the one person who keeps tabs on me, but a whole lot of people that you call friends. Just remember that.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Back From the Dead

2008-12-08T13:20:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I look like Morticia Addams. I've been off work for a week trying to recouperate from a vicious chest infection and today is my first full day back. I'm completely and utterly exhausted from trying to catch up and I can't focus on my work because the damn phone won't stop ringing. I still have a slight fever, and every now and again I get chills. Maybe I should have stayed home today.

There is so much work that needs to be done before the holidays though, I can't just stay home. No one can do the job that I do; that's why I was hired. Great for the ego, terrible for being sick. I'll just have to do my best and trudge through. Only three more hours and I'm free...

On the bright side, I got my first Christmas tree yesterday. I clearly do not know how to decorate a Christmas tree though, because it looks like a group of Care Bears came into my house, put multi-colored lights on it and then, in a fit of misplaced inspiration, threw up on it. The only redeeming thing about the tree (and Iwish I had been smart enough to take a picture of the tree; you'll have to make do with a picture of him instead) is C-3PO at the top instead of a star. No joke.

Seriously though, I just want to go home and go back to bed. It's snowing right now and although it looks very pretty, it makes me want to curl up in my flannel sheets and sleep until June. Possibly July.

It's Come To This

2008-11-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

I give up. Completely and utterly give up. There's no more I can do to make this work and nothing more I can make happen to my satisfaction so I'm walking away. Not my usual thing to do. Normally I would stand and fight and push and scream and cry and do all those things until I get some kind of resolution but as time passes I see that it just won't happen. And I am so goddamned tired of fighting it.

I'm letting it go and I'm miserable about it but in the other hand I am also resigned because I see now that there isn't anything more I can do. The decision about this has long been out of my hands and it's taken me this long to see that.

No apologies, no explanations.

Thankfully, there will always be coffee.

2008-11-23T09:16:00.000-05:00

One thing I have always disliked about blogs is that people read them and then give you shit because of what you've written. They seem to forget that it's not their blog they are reading, it's yours. As a writer, I am constantly reminded of the fact that words can be twisted around for purposes other then what they were intended for. This awareness has lead to self-censoring, as I have no wish to be harassed for what I write any more than I already am. The fact that I am made to feel like I have to censor my words in order to ensure no-one's feelings are hurt sucks. The kicker is that the complaints normally come from those who have also posted similar rants on their blogs concerning self-censorship. I say fuck it. This is my blog and if you don't like, don't read. Nobody typed in this address and forced you to read it so why the hell are you complaining? Nevermind, I know why.

There are so many things that I want to say just to get them out of my head but I don't think it will do any good. She still won't pick up the phone and call me to discuss this ridiculous misunderstanding and getting angry and bitching about it won't do any good. It pains me to think that we will never be friends again because of someone feeding her incorrect information but that's life. Curious though that this is precisely what her ex did to her that she hated; they broke up and she disagreed with the breakup and wanted to talk about it but he refused to speak to her or see her. I guess now she needs to transfer all that negativity to me since she's been carrying it around with her since then and I'm the perfect target for it. Best friends indeed.

The trouble with situations such as these is that they never truly get resolved. She is far too stubborn to ever call me and I am far too respectful of her space to make her talk to me. I just wish she would stop talking about it with everyone else except me, because the amount of emails I am receiving from people telling me what's going on at her end is staggering. I would have thought that she'd be a bit smarter about this and keep it to herself since she refuses to actually deal with the situation but apparently not. I think that might be worse than her not talking to me: hearing from everyone else what's coming out of her mouth about me. I never thought that would happen but then again I never thought we'd be in this kind of an argument either so I guess that proved just how little I truly know.

This past week has given me a lot to think about. It's coming up to the end of the year and I usually get thoughtful around now. Thinking of the past year and how horrible most of it was leaves me feeling that the future must surely be better. There are a few things gone from my life that I see now were not good for me. With those things omitted and the great place I am in now it feels like there is a lot still for me to do and hopefully I can finally get some of it done.

I guess sometimes no matter how hard you try you cannot make people act the way you would in a situation. I'm fine with letting this go simply because I've done my crying, I've done my 'what-iffing' and now I can move forward. I thought that I would need closure with this but since it doesn't seem to be forthcoming I will move on without it. Funny though, I didn't intend to write about this but each time I tried to change topics it somehow always came back to this so I just let it happen. And so it goes.

Interestingly Enough, It Doesn't Matter

2008-10-27T12:52:00.000-04:00

This time last year, I was getting ready to be married. I was at my mother-in-law-to-be's house with my best friend and bridesmaid and we were nervously getting ready; putting on makeup, adjusting our newly done hair. We opened a bottle of wine and as we toasted I pretended that I knew what I was doing and they pretended they didn't notice. There was a moment though while my best friend was lacing me into my gown where our eyes met in the mirror. She stopped lacing and just looked at me and in that moment I knew that no matter what was going to happen with my marriage, my career, or anything that she would always be there for me.

A lot can happen in a year.

This year finds me mourning for things lost; both tangible and not. I need to mourn in order to move on and live life that way I want to. Today I am maudlin. Tomorrow will be better, and as the days speed up and move along I have no fear that they will find me in exactly the place I want to be. I may not know where that place is but it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am strong enough to allow myself to mourn and rebuild in order to ensure that the remainder of my life is worthwhile. I have a lot of things I need to do and I refuse to let old things trap me into leading a lifestyle I no longer wish to participate in.