Just Go and Send me Thanks

http://alienlovespredator.com/2009/01/27/that-thing-is-my-mother/

I don't need to explain this. Two of my favourite things in a comic strip: aliens and predators.

Coming Out Okay

It's amazing what happens when you decide to stop shutting people out. I decided to talk to the boy, to really honestly talk to him and to cry and to let him comfort me and although things are not absolutely perfect, I have faith that they will be.

I was sitting at home alone watching reruns of cartoons and I was very unhappy. He was out with some friends and I had chosen to stay home. By myself. Miserable. As I sat there, I realized that I was unhappy not only because of the heart-wrenching ordeal I have just been through but also because I had decided that I would do this alone. Again. I sat there, miserable, and made another decision; a different one this time, one that I should have made a long time ago but was always too scared to go through with. I decided to apologise.

Even though we were both at fault for various things that have happened, I needed to tell him that I am sorry. I needed to let him know that even though I have this ridiculous image of myself running through my head that I strive to maintain at all costs, I need him in my life because he is my partner. One could argue that he is possibly the only person who can actually handle me. Point is, I made a mistake and I had to apologise for it.

I chose to try again with him because I realized the futility of continuing on the way I have been. I don't want to start over again and again when all I really need to do is tend to what I already have. I refuse to be that woman who is angry at the world and terribly bitter because she can't let anyone in for fear of being hurt. I have spent too much of my life being angry and it has netted me nothing. Time to let go of it.

I realize that I will probably lose more friends because of this. No one likes to see someone else happy when they aren't, so I'm fully expecting people to drop me. It amazes me though that people who bitch and moan about how terrible their lives are don't do anything to right it. They would rather see themselves proven correct than actually try and change things. I did that for years and it made me miserable. I don't want to be miserable anymore.

I am still having a hard time dealing with our loss, but now it's our loss and not just mine. That makes it easier to bear, knowing that he's there and understands how I feel. We will probably try again sometime down the road but for now I'm okay with just having him and Oscar.

What Attempts to Destroy You...

I have always fallen prey to thinking I can change things, both for myself and others. When I attempt to do so, all hell breaks loose and although I know that this will happen each time, I still do it. Why then did I think that this time would be any different? Because I am also somewhat of an optimist, and I like to think, as deluded as it may sound, that at some point what I am trying to do might actually succeed.

In this case, something has happened that not only was I not prepared for in the beginning, I also was completely not in the loop as to the wheres and whys of it ceasing. It's something that women don't normally talk about, yet as soon as one finds out that it's happened to someone they know, the flood gates open and a huge outpouring of emotional stories from people start to fill your email inbox.

My boy and I had talked about having children. We figured we were ready for it and to be honest, I didn't think I would get pregnant simply because I know how difficult it is under normal circumstances and my situation is anything but normal! Imagine then, six months later, when I'm staring down at a home pregnancy indicator that I've just peed on and it's telling me that I'm pregnant. For real. I have pictures of it because I thought I was seeing things. After going to the doctor and getting it confirmed, we sat down silently in awe of what we'd done.

The doctors tell you not to say anything until after the three month/12 week period has passed but really, who doesn't tell people? So we did. We told a few people including our close friends and family and sat back to wait for the time to pass so we could tell everybody. Sadly though, this was one of those times where things just wouldn't happen the way we'd like them to.

I lost the baby. Whether it was due to stress or the fact that I was very ill and lost too much weight, it doesn't matter. I am no longer carrying life in me and that is not easy to deal with, especially since most women don't even tell people when it happens and there really isn't too much in the way of support. Without my mom, I'm not sure if I would have been able to go back to work and carry on. She has been my rock, and I cannot thank her enough for everything that she has done during this time for me. My mom doesn't dwell on the fact on that I lost it; she prefers instead to tell me that clearly this wasn't the right time for this event to happen and that it doesn't mean that I cannot try again later, which is followed up with a cheerful reminder that at least I know it all works down there. And she's right. It does work, and I am happy for that.

What I'm not happy about is the state of my relationship, which has spiraled down into non-existence. Not only have I lost a chance at being a mother, I have potentially lost my partner as well. So why am I still trying so hard to see the silver lining? Because I realize that people, just like time, ebb and flow and that sometimes what isn't right at this precise moment could be right at some other time.

I know that the common denominator in all my failed relationships is me. I also know that my decisions regarding partners have not been made with my best interests at heart. I could launch into a psychological lecture regarding this but really, let's not. I don't look at my past relationships as failures, I see them as attempts to figure out what I want in my life. For me there's no such thing as failure per se, there's only a delay while I find another way to achieve what I desire.

This is all well and good but when it really comes down to it, why do I keep messing things up? The boy said something to me the other night while we were discussing the break-up and it has resonated with me ever since. He told me that I have an image of myself that I go out of my way to ensure I adhere to no matter what even when it may cost me something I want very much. Because of that, I make sure that things don't work out and that people don't get close to me and those that manage to get close end up getting very hurt.

Wow. This past week has been full of tears, pain and soul-searching and at the end of the day I till have nothing concrete. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do that to protect myself and in doing so I make sure no one can take care of me that way that I secretly want them to. Almost as if I set myself up to fail; and that completely contradicts everything I just wrote earlier in this post. I'm dealing with the loss of my child, the loss of my partner and I am very, very lost. This might be too much for me to handle by myself and this might be the time where I find myself swallowing back that image and reaching out for someone. The only question is...who is left?

A Guy Like Oscar

There is new man in my life. His name is Oscar. He is precisely what I had in mind when I first started my search for a new feline companion. He's been in the apartment for about 5 hours and he's already found his spot: wherever my lap is. His purr is very loud and rumbly and you can feel it even when he's sitting at the opposite end of the couch.

My mom sent me a link to an cat rescue where volunteers go to shelters and rescue cats that would otherwise be euthanized due to over population. They take care of the animals and ensure that they are spayed or neutered before allowing them to be adopted out. Their application form is twice as long as the one required by the Toronto Humane Society and far more thorough. 

As soon as I saw Oscar's picture, I fell in love. I emailed asking if he was still available and when I found out he was, I dropped everything to go rushing to meet him. Now, he's sleeping on the couch on his back with all four legs splayed in the air. He is definitely content.

Anyway. I'm going to go cuddle with my cat now. He's very soft and loves it when I rub his belly.

What a Great Idea

While trolling through the usual websites I frequent, I came across something so startling and awesome that I just had to share. Believe me when I say that I spent the better part of my day going through each and everyone of these pictures just to make sure I was actually seeing what I was seeing. It's a cat who is making a name for himself snapping pictures. How does he do it? He has a lightweight digital camera attached to his collar that snaps a picture every 2 minutes. His owners then download the images and post them on his blog.

I can't say anymore than that. Go check it out. You won't be sorry...some of the pictures the cat has taken are better than most of the photos people put up on their sites.

Other than that awesome blog, nothing is really happening. I'm going to my mother's tomorrow so she can learn me how to knit. I tried this once before and was so stressed out by the entire process that I vowed to never do it again. I've since changed my mind because I like torturing myself and giving my mother yet another reason to be disappointed in me. She's going to feed me so it won't be all for naught. Maybe this time I can actually complete a square instead of throwing the yarn in the garbage in a blinding rage. It will be nice to hang out with my mom. My step-father won't be there so it will be nice and quiet with the possibility of some giggling.

I make my mom out to be some horrible woman but she really isn't. She used to have unusually high expectations of me, which in my youth I did my best to attain, but now that I'm older and she's mellowed out we get along fine. She is finally understanding my lack of drive to succeed in an office environment and is beginning to come to terms with the fact that I will be quitting my job to write full time. She is proud of me for doing what I've needed to to pay the rent while at the same cultivating my desire to be creative. I think her biggest fear when I first started writing was that I would quit everything and just sit at home waiting for writing jobs to land in my lap. I've managed to be fortunate enough in that I can pick and choose which projects I take and I am well paid for them. Not too many people can say that. Now that she finally understands what the whole writing thing means to me she is much more relaxed and doesn't get that parental-panicked look at the thought of possibly having to fork over cash for my rent because my cheque hasn't arrived.

Anyway. Things are good and I am happy. The end.

Sadness + Loneliness = Awesome Writing Fodder

I am sad. I don't normally get this down, but recent events have made me maudlin. What a great word; wish I made it up. If you aren't a cat person, this will make absolutely no sense to you so you might as well go back to youtube and watch some kid pretend he's a Jedi.

Two years ago I had to put my cat down. She was 16 years old and my constant companion for 14 of those years. She saw me through one terrible marriage, countless boyfriends and a few apartments. When she died, I had just moved and hadn't changed my address with the vet so when they sent me flowers to console me, they went to my previous address. The girl I used to live with, who had been very close to me for almost eight years, didn't tell me that flowers had arrived or that the vet had sent a card. In fact, I didn't find out about the gesture until a month later when I went back to pick up my mail. When I saw the card and understood that she had just taken the flowers without even letting me know they had come, I was crushed. Eight years of friendship and she didn't tell me. I can understand if she was upset about my cat, but since she didn't console me or come to visit when I called and told her I had to put the cat down, I am not sure if she even cared.

I couldn't have another pet after that, simply because she was the best cat ever. I grew up on a farm with seven cats, five dogs, two horses, fish and regular livestock so I am used to having animals around me and part of my family. When the boy and I decided that we would get a cat, I was so happy. I'd been feeling like a piece of me needed to be healed and I thought this would be the best way to help that. We went to the pound and selected a cat who I thought would be another member of our family. What we got was something very different.

We had to take her back. She was too feral for us to handle; she wouldn't let us near her to pet her, she'd attack me when I was feeding her and finally she began to urinate on things. She was so territorial, hissing and spitting and such that we decided we couldn't have her. So, we spent half an hour getting her into her carrier and took her back.

I cried that night when we got home. I was so looking forward to a cuddly warm kitty to curl up with on the couch and that can't happen right now. I miss my old cat so much, even now. I still have her picture by my bedside. I know, ridiculous, but I'm an animal person. 

Since we took her back, the pound told us we wouldn't be able to adopt another cat from them. That kind of upset me as they didn't have a complete file on her and couldn't tell us simple things like how old she is. I can see their point though; the pound isn't like a department store where you can just adopt a cat and bring it back if you don't want it anymore. The woman we dealt with did however made a note on our file of what had happened so there might be some leniency if we decide in the future to adopt another cat.  

I'm not sure I want to right now. I would have to have a cat literally fall into my lap at this point and the chances of that happening are very slim...and that makes me sadder still. 

Time for popcorn and a terrible zombie movie. That always cheers me up. 

Thank God That's Over

I'm not normally one to complain but am I ever glad that 2008 is done. This year's end celebration was a bit low key for me: just a few friends hanging out in one of our favourite places and doing disco karaoke. You heard me. I didn't participate simply because the boy has such an amazing voice that I feel like an idiot trying to croak my way through three and a half minutes of a song that probably would sound better if a four year old sang it instead of me. So I sat and chatted with my friends while others forgot their own insecurities and sang their hearts out. Once the new year was counted in though, I was ready to go home.

For Christmas, the boy's parents gave me LEGO Death Star. It measures 16 inches in diameter with 24 lego dudes including the trash compactor monster. I haven't cracked it open yet but apparently I have to invite everyone over for a Death Star building party. As if I'm going to share that with anyone. I'm planning to open it soon and once the building starts I'm going to bore all of you with endless photos and commentary. Don't say you weren't warned.

There are a lot of things that I am looking forward to in 2009. Some may happen and others definitely will happen whether I want them to or not but I will be content with the end result whatever that may be. This is usually the point where I say something incredibly prolific (that's a real word, I didn't just make it up) but I am too tired to pull anything out of my hat right now. Next time I'll say something doubly prolific. Promise.