I think there is something wrong with me. I have a great boyfriend who loves me, a solid job that pays my bills, and a wonderful network of wonderful people around me who care about my overall well-being. I have all these wonderful things in my life yet I am still waiting for it to fall apart.
Normally, when I'm in a good place I destroy it. I go out of my way to make sure I am unhappy so that I can turn my hands up to sky and loudly proclaim 'Oh, woe is me' to whoever will listen. This time though, something different is happening. I am still filled with equal parts dread and fear, however I am not deliberately sabotaging my life. I am going through a stage right now where I feel as though I am not quite deserving of all that I have. I keep waiting for my boyfriend to wake up and scream when he sees me lying beside him. Not that I think I am unattractive, it's that I don't quite understand why the hell he would want to be with me. I am very damaged from all the terribleness that happened before, during, and after my divorce and I am finding that my baggage from that gut-wrenchingly awful time keeps popping up at the most awkward times. As I write this, I kind of feel like crying and throwing myself off a bridge (metaphorically speaking, so don't worry guys!) just so my brain will stop whispering to me.
I am doing my best to keep a smile on my face but I am barely holding on. I am trying desperately to let go of things that are hurting me and in those attempts I am finding that there is still so much pain that needs to be dealt with. It seems like a daunting task and I am afraid if I let my mask fall just a little bit everything will fall apart and I can't let that happen.
I just want to go home and hide under my bed.
*Note: I believe a lot of this is coming from the fact that today is the anniversary of my dreams being crushed. It was 2 years ago today when it was decided there would be no reconciliation. I was shattered, both by the fact that my marriage was ending and also the reasons why it was ending. The rest of the terribleness happened shortly after and it managed to completely destroy whatever I had left of my self esteem. I must be feeling as though I am in safe place; I am allowing myself to actually go through this again in an effort to put the demons to rest. That is comforting. Still very much a shitty place to be, but comforting nonetheless.
31 Mar 2010
23 Mar 2010
I Was Right All Along
People have always told me that I'm too negative. 'You need to brighten up,' they say. "You are far too dark; don't you believe in the purity of the humna soul?'
Aha. Purity of the human soul. What a crock of shit. People, if given the choice and reasonably certain of not being caught, will always fuck you over. People are not pure, and they sure as hell aren't going to change anytime soon. That's just the way things are though, right?
I like to think that no good deed goes unpunished, and no rotten deed goes unnoticed. Today I was walking back to my office after lunch and I was startled to hear a loud crunching sound. I turned and saw that a woman had hit a car as she was pulling out of her parking spot. I stood there wondering what she and her companion were going to do next. I could clearly see that there was damage to the other car. Since I was standing right there watching, I thought that would give them the nudge needed to 'do the right thing' and leave a note on the other car's windshield. Purity of the human soul, where were you?
They left. They just backed up and left the parking lot. No note, no nothing, just exit stage left and thanks for all the fish. Unfortunately for them though, I jotted down the licence plate number and phoned in the accident anonymously.
Don't fuck with karma because it's much bigger than you and will hurt you.
Aha. Purity of the human soul. What a crock of shit. People, if given the choice and reasonably certain of not being caught, will always fuck you over. People are not pure, and they sure as hell aren't going to change anytime soon. That's just the way things are though, right?
I like to think that no good deed goes unpunished, and no rotten deed goes unnoticed. Today I was walking back to my office after lunch and I was startled to hear a loud crunching sound. I turned and saw that a woman had hit a car as she was pulling out of her parking spot. I stood there wondering what she and her companion were going to do next. I could clearly see that there was damage to the other car. Since I was standing right there watching, I thought that would give them the nudge needed to 'do the right thing' and leave a note on the other car's windshield. Purity of the human soul, where were you?
They left. They just backed up and left the parking lot. No note, no nothing, just exit stage left and thanks for all the fish. Unfortunately for them though, I jotted down the licence plate number and phoned in the accident anonymously.
Don't fuck with karma because it's much bigger than you and will hurt you.
3 Mar 2010
Keep It Together
I know that every time I post potentially someone from my office could stumble upon it. I also know that both of my bosses regularly check our computers and internet history to see where we've been and what we've been doing. Knowing all of that has not made me stop posting during business hours though. I figure that with the amount of work I do, both during regular hours and weekends, I am allowed to post on my freaking blog if I want to.
And now, my rant. The people I deal with on a regular basis who are not smart and do not understand the concept of what I do and so make my job a living hell are coming into my office today to conduct a pre-audit. Even though we pay a firm to come in every year and do a thorough audit, these people have it lodged firmly in their heads that they need to come in first and make sure everything is ready. Correction: they need to come in and make sure that I have not embezzled their money or screwed up their membership or any other thing that tops the list this week. Basically, they don't know how I do things and instead of asking me or, how about this, reading the Policy and Procedure Handbook they developed and I implemented, they feel it's better to come into my office and waste half my day with questions about filing.
I know that when the pre-audit committee comes in, they will run me ragged trying to produce reports so they can complain about them. I would love to have these already set up so I could just hand them a stack of paper when they get here but I don't know what reports they want. They didn't think to let me know in advance so I could prepare ahead of time and potentially cut their day shorter. I am basically being set up to fail as they will no doubt time me to see how long it takes me to produce the reports they want. Keeping in mind my primary focus is marketing, not administrative support.
I am going into this knowing that I am going to fail. I am actually at peace with that; this way, nothing is going to surprise me and hopefully I won't be as upset as I have been every other time these women come into my office and wreak havok. We will see how this works out.
On a brighter note, I have very pretty hair today.
And now, my rant. The people I deal with on a regular basis who are not smart and do not understand the concept of what I do and so make my job a living hell are coming into my office today to conduct a pre-audit. Even though we pay a firm to come in every year and do a thorough audit, these people have it lodged firmly in their heads that they need to come in first and make sure everything is ready. Correction: they need to come in and make sure that I have not embezzled their money or screwed up their membership or any other thing that tops the list this week. Basically, they don't know how I do things and instead of asking me or, how about this, reading the Policy and Procedure Handbook they developed and I implemented, they feel it's better to come into my office and waste half my day with questions about filing.
I know that when the pre-audit committee comes in, they will run me ragged trying to produce reports so they can complain about them. I would love to have these already set up so I could just hand them a stack of paper when they get here but I don't know what reports they want. They didn't think to let me know in advance so I could prepare ahead of time and potentially cut their day shorter. I am basically being set up to fail as they will no doubt time me to see how long it takes me to produce the reports they want. Keeping in mind my primary focus is marketing, not administrative support.
I am going into this knowing that I am going to fail. I am actually at peace with that; this way, nothing is going to surprise me and hopefully I won't be as upset as I have been every other time these women come into my office and wreak havok. We will see how this works out.
On a brighter note, I have very pretty hair today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)