Here's The Thing...

I have had many good things happen to me over the course of my life and each time they occur I wait anxiously for the preverbial other shoe to drop. This time is no exception. I am still haunting my email, constantly checking my voice mail and waiting for things to go horribly wrong because let's face it, that Murphy's Law. So far though, it appears as though I am wrong. Hmm. Let's explore that.

Being wrong is a funny thing. It takes immense courage to admit that you've made a mistake and to go back to the offended party(ies) to 'fess up. Most people simply walk away without a second thought of actually trying to resolve things and that's completely their choice. I heartily endorse doing things that are best for you and forgetting about the rest of the world because we are all selfish creatures who only want what's best for ourselves and cannot stand to see others get ahead, whether it be in business or love. The problem with this however is that sooner or later something will happen that will cause you to think again. Unfortunately, once that has occurred it's often too late.

Being able to sit down and openly communicate with others is a task that I am not good at but have tried very hard to change. I recognize when I need time to regroup and completely understand when others ask the same of me. I respect their decision to keep their distance, although that is difficult when you share the same roof. What is confusing however is when they don't come back to discuss things and just leave me hanging and waiting.

I realize that people are busy. One of the things that has been hammered into me repeatedly by different people though is the respect one must show to their peers in terms of time. I cannot expect someone to wait for me if I am running late and don't tell them. It is disrespectful, no matter what my personal feelings for that person are, to expect people to wait for me when I have not communicated my timeline to them. If I let them know that I will be late, then it is up to that person to decide how long they will choose to wait for me. I am in no position to dictate to them how long they should wait, and cannot justifiably be angry if they don't.

All of this should be common sense but the funny thing about that is that it isn't all that common. I am currently engaged in a serious misunderstanding that I do not think will be resolved despite my desire to rectify it. I have offered an olive branch and have been denied, and out of respect I have kept my distance. How long do I wait?

And Now I Feel Better

Today I decided to do a bit of sleuthing to try and figure out a couple of things and discovered something that has made me feel better about where I am in this world. No more am I going to whine and bitch and moan about how hard it is to get ahead and how difficult it is to get people to notice me. Not after this.

I go through periods where I feel as though the entire world is against me. That's not a huge revelation. What is a huge revelation is what I have just realized after doing a bit of digging. I cannot believe it took me this long when it was right in front of me the whole time...

Too bad I can't tell you what it is.

Wearing a Fedora Like JT Makes You Less Creepy

You know when you're on the subway and you're tired everything seems to be a bit surreal? Things happen on the subway all the time and usually I just brush them off and go about my business. Last night though, on my way home from work, something really odd happened and at first I thought I had dreamed it. It wasn't until I checked my purse and found tangible proof that I realized it had happened. Then I burst out laughing all over again.

I got off the subway at my usual stop and was walking towards the stairs when I noticed a well-dressed young man in a fedora walking towards me. I noticed him because he reminded me of Justin Timberlake; tall and lanky, looked like a great dancer, that kind of guy. Plus, the fedora. Anyway, he's walking towards me and as I pass him, he tips his hat to me. I was surprised, but kind of touched as he did that. A true gentleman will tip his hat when he passes a lady, and clearly this guy has seen some movies...or something. I nod back and continue on my way. I thought that was the end of it until I heard a voice behind me call out, " Excuse me, miss."

I kept walking as I was not interested in having any kind of conversation with some strange guy who should have creeped me out but didn't because of his resemblence to JT. He came up behind me and touched me on the shoulder. I turned around, getting a bit annoyed, and just looked at him. He then launched into a soliloquy about how beautiful I am, how elegantly dressed I am and then drops an unexpected bomb on me. He said that he would be honored if I would allow him to be my lover.

I am not kidding. He said those words to me. Stunned, I shook my head and told him that although I was very flattered, I was married and that would not be possible. He frowned a bit, then said that being married wasn't a problem and that it didn't matter. I replied that it mattered to me, and turned to go. As I did, he pressed his card into my hand. I looked down at it and as I walked away he said that if I ever changed my mind I could contact him. Sure enough on the front of the card was his complete contact information. I was about halfway up the stairs when I heard him call after me to flip the card over. I did, and burst out laughing. I spun around and as he was still at the bottom of the stairs, called down to him that he must be good if he's certified.

The back of his card read that he is a certified graduate of a sexual guru program.

The biggest issue surrounding this is why was it okay for him to approach me when clearly he was after the same thing that most men are after when they try and talk to you in the subway? For me, it was the fact that he was polite and had manners. Most guys don't understand that when you deal with women, especially women you don't know, the best thing to do is to be polite and know when to make your exit. This guy spoke to me, made his point, bantered and then let me go about my business. That's how you do it.

Oh, and get a fedora.

So Very Tired

This weekend was hands-down one of the toughest ever. I was to go to my mother's, like I always have almost every Thanksgiving since I left home, but at the last minute she cancelled it. Why? Because my step-father claimed she hadn't 'asked permission'.

I already do not understand relationships to begin with, and to see things like that happen between two people who claim to love each other just baffles me further. I understand that we each have our own path that we must tread and only we can take responsibility for what we do but I didn't have Thanksgiving dinner with my mother. For the first time in about 10 years, I was not there because he does not like me and goes out of his way to make sure that I do not feel welcome or loved by him. I know he isn't my father and that there is no conceivable reason for me to want to be loved by this man, but he is the only father I have known. The only father I have had in my life and he hates me.  Why do I keep trying so hard?

I'll tell you why. I have abandonment issues surrounding people who are close to me. I have tried very hard to put my faith in those who say that they love me and will always stick by me. I also try very hard to remember that when they do not stick by me, it's because they are dealing with their own issues and need time to do so. Sometimes that works, other times I feel as though everyone is out to get me.

I have a lot more faith and trust in people than I used to, despite all the bullshit people put me through. I chalk that up to their own weakness, and nothing that I have done. It's far easier to walk away from something than to turn and face it. I am upset that I missed seeing my mother this weekend, but I understand that she could not open her doors to me while he is being difficult. That does not stop the fact that I am sad and angry and want very much to phone my step-father and tell him what a douche he is; not only for treating my mother like that but also for denying me my mother's presence on a very important day.

Guess I have to try a bit harder to understand my mother's reasons for complying.

TV Can Suck My Balls

I work very hard every day. Most days I can't leave my office until after 5pm because I'm wrapping up a task that needs to be finished before my OCD will allow me to leave for the day. I come home, make dinner, do some writing and then go to bed. Not exactly an exciting existence, but one that works for me. I hardly ever watch tv as I find it too distracting when I'm trying to complete a story or whatever I happen to working on. Tonight though I thought I would see what's on the tube and boy was I ever disappointed. 

Why do I have cable? Why do I pay for HD digital stuff when there's nothing on? I keep hearing about all these great shows but you know what? They aren't on when I'm available and I refuse to be a slave to PVR. I spent my night online, surfing sites and gathering information for a book I'm writing. Fuck you, tv. I have the internet, and as long as I have that I don't need you and your plethora of commercials for useless items that you try and make me buy.

Although my cable is provided by the same people who give me the internet...

Crap.

So Much Baggage

One thing I would like, if I were granted three wishes, would be to be able to leave my baggage behind and enjoy my life. I'm finding this difficult, and I fear that I might be sabotaging something fantastic in my life all because I am stubborn and cannot let go of things that have happened in the past that I cannot change.

I ruined a great night last night because of my inability to see that things that were should be left in the past. Close the door, write 'The End' on that chapter and move forward. Looking back does nothing except remind you of painful experiences that should be dealt with and then put away. Kind of like laundry, but with sharper edges. Oh, and laundry doesn't make me weep into my pillow alone and uncomforted because I've driven my wonderful partner onto the couch with my ridiculousness.

I'm thinking it might be time to revisit some of this. Obviously I still have a lot to deal with and it is completely unfair of me to think that just because I say I have dealt with my marriage breaking up and my painful childhood doesn't make it true. I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that everything is okay when clearly it isn't. I have a good life with someone who loves me and is trying so hard to help me and all I want to do is make him leave so I can say I was right in believing that I don't deserve to be happy.

I am at my wit's end. This cannot continue and I don't know what to do to make myself stop making all the good things in my life disappear.

Perfect 10

Today I decided to try something new. I saw that I needed to dye my hair but I have been becoming increasingly more frustrated with the damage being done to my hair each time I do it. I have been trying to grow my hair and I've been doing a good job at taking care of it and resisting the ever-growing urge to cut it all off, but after each session with the bottle of dye, my hair feels dry. So I got a bright idea.

I've been seeing these commercials for Clairol's Perfect 10 and thought maybe I'd try it out. After all, a hair dye that will dye my hair uniformly and evenly while leaving my hair soft and shiny? All in 10 minutes? Sounded to good to be true. 

I pulled the bottles out of the package and studied them. Simple enough to use, after all it's not like I've never done this before. What confused me was the weird attachment that came with it: sort of a comb-like thing that is supposed to draw colour through the lengths of your hair. I threw that out. I attached the normal application tip and mixed the colour with the developer. It took me a few minutes to apply it, because like I've mentioned before I've been doing this for years, and I set the timer. The first thing I noticed was the mixture was a little thinner than I'm used to, but it didn't smell as bad as some of the other brands I've used. Once I set the timer, I went back into the bathroom and used a baby-wipe to clean up my hair line and by the time that was done it was time to rinse my hair.

I noticed that my hair was a lot more dry and coarse when I finished rinsing it. Not happy about that. I added the conditioner that the box of hair dye provided and left it on for about five minutes. Once I rinsed it off and towel dried my hair, it became apparent that my hair would not be softer even though the dye was only on my hair for 10 minutes. No magic in the box at all. Although I am happy with the colour and the lack of staining (dyeing your hair black for years teaches you all about staining and using old towels for washing your hair), the ends of my hair are still dry.

Bottom line is this: although the dye didn't stay on for the normal 30 minutes that other dyes do, it still didn't make my hair soft. I guess what I want is perfect hair. I paid for perfect 10 and got a mediocre 6. Next time I'm going to Aveda.