Thank God That's Over

I'm not normally one to complain but am I ever glad that 2008 is done. This year's end celebration was a bit low key for me: just a few friends hanging out in one of our favourite places and doing disco karaoke. You heard me. I didn't participate simply because the boy has such an amazing voice that I feel like an idiot trying to croak my way through three and a half minutes of a song that probably would sound better if a four year old sang it instead of me. So I sat and chatted with my friends while others forgot their own insecurities and sang their hearts out. Once the new year was counted in though, I was ready to go home.

For Christmas, the boy's parents gave me LEGO Death Star. It measures 16 inches in diameter with 24 lego dudes including the trash compactor monster. I haven't cracked it open yet but apparently I have to invite everyone over for a Death Star building party. As if I'm going to share that with anyone. I'm planning to open it soon and once the building starts I'm going to bore all of you with endless photos and commentary. Don't say you weren't warned.

There are a lot of things that I am looking forward to in 2009. Some may happen and others definitely will happen whether I want them to or not but I will be content with the end result whatever that may be. This is usually the point where I say something incredibly prolific (that's a real word, I didn't just make it up) but I am too tired to pull anything out of my hat right now. Next time I'll say something doubly prolific. Promise.

Surviving Christmas

Christmas is a great time for getting together with people you haven't seen since last year and playing catch up in 10 minutes or less. The amount of food hasn't changed at my parents place even though the guest list has dwindled through the years. My mother still makes enough food for a small army and I still get to take most of it home (yum!).

This year felt different though. The past year has been very difficult for me and even though I have managed to get through most of it relatively unscathed, there are patches that are still quite raw. Being around my flawed family made me feel better about it all perhaps because I saw them in a completely different light this year. I recognise the need to be loved and the need to love, and I also understand that sometimes those two things are placed in the wrong recipient's hands. Watching my mother and my stepfather interact reminded me that everyone is flawed, and that sometimes the reason why you love someone is because of their flaws.

It's true that you cannot choose who you fall in love with. You can however choose what to do with that love: either help them build a life with you or let them walk away because it looks too difficult and you might possibly get hurt. It's pretty obvious what I chose when faced with that decision. When I think back to my previous relationships and how much of myself I gave in order to keep that person around I'm thankful that now I don't have to do that. He's with me because he loves me and not out of guilt or anything else. We've had our share of tough times and we've built an even stronger relationship with each other because of those tough times.

Like I said, this year wasn't the greatest to begin with. But like all things that ebb and flow, tides are changing and I'm doing well. After a while, the things that still bother me won't anymore because I will have other more important things to take care of and I just won't have time to long for times that have passed. I am still sad, but that too will pass. Life is a ever-changing event, and I am looking forward to the coming year in so many ways.

Christmas Reflections

Maybe this isn't the best time to be reflecting but I can't help it. Something about the snow and wind make me want to reflect on the past year and how terrible it started. Thinking about things like that make me feel better about where I am right now: surrounded by people who love me and care for me and cutting all those who don't out of my life to some degree.

Of ocurse, you can't always cut people out entirely. There is always overlap in every circle, and this is no different. Just because I no longer speak to someone doesn't mean I don't know what she's up to. In fact, I probably know more about her now than I did before. People may say they don't choose sides but somewhere down the road they always do.

What upsets me the most is that people talk around you but not to you. I think of how much of this high-school bullshit could have been avoided if two people had actually sat down and talked like reasonable adults. I don't care about the terrible things that are being said about me; I look at who it's coming from and I understand that that person is upset about something that has nothing to do with me. Sucks that I get burned for it but what are you going to do? I figure that in this case it was just a matter of time before something came up to make this person want to get rid of me. Don't know why she didn't just tell me to go away; that would have hurt also but at least she would have been honest with me instead of doing all this bullshit that she's doing now. Like I wouldn't find out. I always find out.

I think the most hurtful part of this is that she's been getting a mutual friend to check up on me and report back to her. I know she's been doing this ever since this whole thing started; I'm not stupid and the questions I get asked over coffee are pointed. Each time I have to steel myself for the usual barrage of meaningless banter before we get down to the nitty-gritty: which always includes this person trying to get me to say something terrible about the one who no longer speaks to me. I never do; not that I don't have nasty things to say about her. I just don't share them. I wonder though, does she know that this person is a double agent? And why do I go for coffee knowing that this is happening? Because I miss her, and hearing about what she's up to through another person is almost as good as being there. I could do without the play-by-play on how much she hates me though.

One last thought: if someone you call a friend is so willing to backstab someone for you, why wouldn't they do the same to you? What makes you so special? Bubble-bursting time: you aren't. People are telling me everything you are saying about me. Not just the one person who keeps tabs on me, but a whole lot of people that you call friends. Just remember that.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Back From the Dead

Apparently, I look like Morticia Addams. I've been off work for a week trying to recouperate from a vicious chest infection and today is my first full day back. I'm completely and utterly exhausted from trying to catch up and I can't focus on my work because the damn phone won't stop ringing. I still have a slight fever, and every now and again I get chills. Maybe I should have stayed home today.

There is so much work that needs to be done before the holidays though, I can't just stay home. No one can do the job that I do; that's why I was hired. Great for the ego, terrible for being sick. I'll just have to do my best and trudge through. Only three more hours and I'm free...

On the bright side, I got my first Christmas tree yesterday. I clearly do not know how to decorate a Christmas tree though, because it looks like a group of Care Bears came into my house, put multi-colored lights on it and then, in a fit of misplaced inspiration, threw up on it. The only redeeming thing about the tree (and Iwish I had been smart enough to take a picture of the tree; you'll have to make do with a picture of him instead) is C-3PO at the top instead of a star. No joke.

Seriously though, I just want to go home and go back to bed. It's snowing right now and although it looks very pretty, it makes me want to curl up in my flannel sheets and sleep until June. Possibly July.

It's Come To This

I give up. Completely and utterly give up. There's no more I can do to make this work and nothing more I can make happen to my satisfaction so I'm walking away. Not my usual thing to do. Normally I would stand and fight and push and scream and cry and do all those things until I get some kind of resolution but as time passes I see that it just won't happen. And I am so goddamned tired of fighting it.

I'm letting it go and I'm miserable about it but in the other hand I am also resigned because I see now that there isn't anything more I can do. The decision about this has long been out of my hands and it's taken me this long to see that. 

No apologies, no explanations. 

Thankfully, there will always be coffee.

One thing I have always disliked about blogs is that people read them and then give you shit because of what you've written. They seem to forget that it's not their blog they are reading, it's yours. As a writer, I am constantly reminded of the fact that words can be twisted around for purposes other then what they were intended for. This awareness has lead to self-censoring, as I have no wish to be harassed for what I write any more than I already am. The fact that I am made to feel like I have to censor my words in order to ensure no-one's feelings are hurt sucks. The kicker is that the complaints normally come from those who have also posted similar rants on their blogs concerning self-censorship. I say fuck it. This is my blog and if you don't like, don't read. Nobody typed in this address and forced you to read it so why the hell are you complaining? Nevermind, I know why.

There are so many things that I want to say just to get them out of my head but I don't think it will do any good. She still won't pick up the phone and call me to discuss this ridiculous misunderstanding and getting angry and bitching about it won't do any good. It pains me to think that we will never be friends again because of someone feeding her incorrect information but that's life. Curious though that this is precisely what her ex did to her that she hated; they broke up and she disagreed with the breakup and wanted to talk about it but he refused to speak to her or see her. I guess now she needs to transfer all that negativity to me since she's been carrying it around with her since then and I'm the perfect target for it. Best friends indeed.

The trouble with situations such as these is that they never truly get resolved. She is far too stubborn to ever call me and I am far too respectful of her space to make her talk to me. I just wish she would stop talking about it with everyone else except me, because the amount of emails I am receiving from people telling me what's going on at her end is staggering.  I would have thought that she'd be a bit smarter about this and keep it to herself since she refuses to actually deal with the situation but apparently not. I think that might be worse than her not talking to me: hearing from everyone else what's coming out of her mouth about me. I never thought that would happen but then again I never thought we'd be in this kind of an argument either so I guess that proved just how little I truly know.

This past week has given me a lot to think about. It's coming up to the end of the year and I usually get thoughtful around now. Thinking of the past year and how horrible most of it was leaves me feeling that the future must surely be better. There are a few things gone from my life that I see now were not good for me. With those things omitted and the great place I am in now it feels like there is a lot still for me to do and hopefully I can finally get some of it done. 

I guess sometimes no matter how hard you try you cannot make people act the way you would in a situation. I'm fine with letting this go simply because I've done my crying, I've done my 'what-iffing' and now I can move forward. I thought that I would need closure with this but since it doesn't seem to be forthcoming I will move on without it. Funny though, I didn't intend to write about this but each time I tried to change topics it somehow always came back to this so I just let it happen. And so it goes.

Interestingly Enough, It Doesn't Matter

This time last year, I was getting ready to be married. I was at my mother-in-law-to-be's house with my best friend and bridesmaid and we were nervously getting ready; putting on makeup, adjusting our newly done hair. We opened a bottle of wine and as we toasted I pretended that I knew what I was doing and they pretended they didn't notice. There was a moment though while my best friend was lacing me into my gown where our eyes met in the mirror. She stopped lacing and just looked at me and in that moment I knew that no matter what was going to happen with my marriage, my career, or anything that she would always be there for me.

A lot can happen in a year.

This year finds me mourning for things lost; both tangible and not. I need to mourn in order to move on and live life that way I want to. Today I am maudlin. Tomorrow will be better, and as the days speed up and move along I have no fear that they will find me in exactly the place I want to be. I may not know where that place is but it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am strong enough to allow myself to mourn and rebuild in order to ensure that the remainder of my life is worthwhile. I have a lot of things I need to do and I refuse to let old things trap me into leading a lifestyle I no longer wish to participate in.