The Only Thing Constant is Change

There have been a myriad of things happen during the last little while that have caused my spirit to begin to murmur; softly at first, but as I continued to ignore the scratching at the base of my brain it grew louder and more insistent until finally I could hear what it was saying. It isn't that I am particularily unhappy with my life: I have a good job, wonderful friends and a great place to live with my boy, however sometimes there is something missing. In this case what has been missing is me.

The boy and I have decided to take a break. We both agreed that we moved into this too fast, both of us having finished with previous relationships and spending a lot of time together in the aftermath. In my own defense, although I knew I shouldn't be dating so soon after my last relationship ended I thought that this would be what I needed precisely because he knows me so well. Who else should I end up with than someone who has been by my side through thick and thin? It was a fantastic idea that we were both unprepared for.

It doesn't matter who said what or who hurt whom. We have both made our share of mistakes and although we love each very much, the timing for this is not good. I am finishing up with a grueling situation that has only now begun to get resolved, and now I need the time I should have taken a year ago. It wasn't anything he did or said that pushed me over the edge; it was a combination of this situation and my own needs that I have been ignoring for too long. I realize that my timing probably couldn't have been worse, with him in a play and his birthday right around the corner, however these things cannot be planned out around personal schedules. I understand his anger/frustration with me asking him to find alternate accomodations as soon as possible. I get that he doesn't want to go and would rather try and work through it together. The challenge with that approach is that it does not leave room for what is truly needed by both of us: time away from each other to get our shit together.

To be honest, harsh words have been said. Feelings have been hurt. All this will heal in time and even though I know how much shit I am going to have to endure because of this decision, I need to focus on myself and do what I should have done a year ago. It absolutely tears me apart to know that I am hurting him, however I need to do this. I suppose a small part of me dreads the gossip that will ultimately arise from this; I have already encountered some backlash from what we've decided to do and I am expecting more. There are 3 sides to every story and I will not delude myself into thinking that I will get a chance to explain myself to those who are close to him. Does that matter? No, because those who know me, regardless of the connection, know that I always put other people ahead of myself. I take care of others before tending to my own needs. Do I care that people are going to have a field day with the fact that yet another relationship of mine has failed? Yes, but only insofar as the fact that I will not get the opportunity to present my side and it is all too easy to lay the blame on the person who isn't there to respond.

I have no control over other people and what they do or think. I have to focus on myself and get what I need done so that I can be happy with myself and the rest will follow. This includes doing what I need to in order to protect myself. I cannot make anyone happy until I am happy and let's face it, despite all the good things I have I am not as happy as I should be. It isn't that I am building my defenses up; quite the opposite. I have never been more open with others as I am right now. The key element that has been missing up until now is the courage to take whatever steps I need to in order to secure my happiness. As painful as this particular change is, I firmly believe that I am doing the right thing for myself. Anyone who can't see that does not need to be in my life.

Strange Times

I went to the wedding. I saw many people that I hadn't seen in years, and met some new people who are now my friends. I didn't get weepy or punchy; I was pretty numb throughout most of the day. Once dinner and the ceremony were over and the speeches were said, the party started. And then something strange happened.

Growing up, music was always streaming through our house. Whether it was Mom's Motown hits or Dad's country, we grew up with an appreciation of music. My older brother is a musician and has been in a number of bands that have toured the country. I am not musically inclined although I wish I were. My older brother has two left feet so when he came and joined me on the dancefloor, I was a little shocked. I got over it quickly though. 

This is the picture that my mother has been waiting years to see. This picture represents a lot of different things to me; the fact that my brother is back, that my family is slowly rebuilding itself and that I can now let go of a lot of anger that I've kept bottled up. I always thought that if my brother and I ever spoke again it would be at our mother's funeral, and I am glad to be wrong. Just this once.

Let's Do This

Today is going to be interesting. I have been fighting with myself all week trying to decide if I am actually going to go ahead and do it. I am expected, I have been invited, however I still feel as though I am crashing because no one except for my big brother knows that I am attending. I am talking about my little brother's wedding. I have been asked to go and I still do not know if I am actually going to go ahead and attend.

 My step-mother will be there and no doubt will be on her best behaviour. I don't know how I'm going to react to her. She was terrible to me when I was growing up; trying to mold me into what she thought I should be based on her childhood and the way she was raised. When I wouldn't adhere to her idea of what I should be, because I was a stubborn and willful child, she would beat me. My father stood back and let her, knowing full well that what she was doing was wrong but I suppose he felt powerless to intervene. Anyway, that's all ancient history and it's time to move on. The point is that she was a definite factor in the amount of therapy I have had to have over the years. And today I get to see her again.

My mother tells me that this will be good for me. I'm not sure what she means by that. I do know that I am much more prepared to see my step-mother this time than I was at my father's funeral. Also, today isn't about her. If she and I need to talk, we can do that some other time when her son isn't getting married. You can tell that I am stressed by the way I'm writing.

I have stalled long enough. Trying to not throw up. What the hell am I doing? Enough. I am going to go shower and go to this if for no other reason that to write about it when I get home.

Tired

I am mentally exhausted and need a vacation. It isn't enough that I took a day off from work; I am just incredibly tired and really wish I could go away for a week. I can't because I have too much work to do and that is frustrating for me. I just want to sleep for a whole week.  

Just like Oscar.

  

I Want Those Two Hours back

Last night I went see Terminator Salvation and while I enjoyed myself immensely, it was a terrible movie. The first fifteen minutes were great; lots of action, tons of brooding from Christian Bale and then something happened. It was like someone reached into my head and planted the entire movie in there, cheesy lines and all, and said very quietly 'Now you know what happens. Go have a pint.'

I unfortunately didn't listen and stayed for the rest of the movie. The main reason I stayed was primarily to make sure the voice in my head was right. The other reason I stayed was because of the huge bag of popcorn I had yet to finish. Between the obvious links and deliberate pointing back to the first three movies, it was hard to tell if this was a new movie or outtakes from the others. I gave up trying to justify my choice of film; I love bad movies with lots of action, and this was right up my alley. 

The writer in me kept seeing how it could have been so much better, how they could have taken this little piece of dialogue and expanded it, or cut this action scene back however when it comes right down to it this was not meant to win any kind of award. It was meant to entertain, not inform and it did just that. Plus, Sam Worthington was great as the secret Terminator. And I did not spoil it because believe me you can see that plot coming a mile away.

Now I have to go cook a chicken.

Why Even Bother?

I got up this morning fully intending to work on my story and just realized that I have spent 36 minutes surfing the internet and checking out facebook. Okay, perhaps that isn't entirely true: I sent the piece I'm working on to my work email address so that I can print it out and edit it. Although that only counts as about a minute of work, it's still work and I still did it. 

I never used to be a morning person, unless you count getting home at 5am and staying up until after coffee and bacon before heading to bed. This is somewhat different. I actually woke up excited this morning. Not sure if it's because everyone is my office is away at a conference and I can actually get my work done this week or if it's because I'm following through with something. I am a horrible procrastinator and will leave things to the very last second. I know it will take a little while for me to become used to this new routine, but I have to say I do like getting up early. 

This week is going to be hectic. I have a lot of work to do and one of my colleagues is going on maternity leave at the end of the month so I need to pick her brain on a couple of things before she leaves. She takes care of a ton of small things in addition to her regular job and I want to make sure that those things are covered. No one has given any thought to that yet; I'd like to be able to say it's being handled when the time comes.

Now that I've spent too much time not doing what I had originally planned to do when I set my alarm last night, it's almost time to get ready for work. I don't feel as though I've let myself down though; this is a new process and once I become accustomed to it I will be more focused on doing what I rolled out of bed for: writing.  

If this is going to work I will need to buy more cream for my coffee. 

The Next Step

Yesterday was a great day. I spent the morning and part of the afternoon with R, going to an art gallery and speaking with the owner about art and creativity. When I spoke to him about the necessity of having a day job so that I could do what I love on the side, he completely agreed with me. He understood that I am not giving up on my dream, that I am being realistic and responsible by ensuring my bills are paid. While I would be able to freelance and be paid well, I am not willing to sacrifice my lifestyle just to show people I can do it. It is enough that I know I can do it and I no longer have anything to prove.

Further to that was the topic of education and whether or not it is useful. I am pro-education and continuously looking for courses to take or books to read. This fall I am going back to school to finally get the certification I need in order to charge more for my work. In my case, spending the money on the courses isn't negotiable: I have to spend this money in order to get more money later. While that may make me sound like a money-hungry bitch, I think of it as a logical decision that should be made for my benefit.

After I got home, I thought a lot about what we had discussed at the gallery and how it applies to my personal life. Without going into detail, I have made a decision that may cost me down the road. I spend a lot of my time ensuring that the people around me are well taken care of and I would rather focus on their happiness than my own. Whether it's because I don't really know what makes me happy or I am too uncomfortable to examine myself to find out, the fact remains that I need to focus on myself. Doesn't mean I'm going to become single anytime soon; it just means I need to shift my focus to myself. Part of that means I need to write more, as it is my passion and something that I need in my life. I have left it for a little while simply because life got in the way and there were other things that needed to be done. Now that they are dealt with, I have to get back to what I was doing before: getting up early to write before going to work.  

I have always found that starting my day off in that manner makes for a better day. I am in desperate need of a mental workout and I can do that by writing. I have started running again and I am amazed at how quickly the extra puffiness comes away. Not that I was fat; I put on a bit of weight when I was pregnant and just became lazy. Now that I have started running, I am fitting back into clothes that I had had to put aside because of the extra bit of me. Running and writing. I am right back to my 20's when that's all I used to do. Things really do come full circle, don't they? I was right where I needed to be and I drifted away because of a variety of things but just like fashion seems to revive every decade, so does life.   

I almost forgot. In a couple of weeks I am going to my little brother's wedding. I know, my family tree is becoming a shrub with all the twists and turns and nothing seems to match up like it should. D is the product of my father and second wife. He is getting married and has no idea I will be there as I haven't spoken to him in almost 12 years, just like my big brother M. His fiancee is aware that I am coming and completely supports it. I suspect there may be some tears shed when we do see each other.

Now that I am all warmed up, I am going to end this and go finish my submission to an amazing sci-fi magazine so that they can publish it and make me happy.