Interesting Stuff

The past week or so has been filled with emotion. Possibly even fraught with it. Some of it is good, most of it is bad. I find myself constantly repeating myself to those who claim to listen. I have had to deal with upheaval at work, the possibility of not being able to afford go back to school as planned and the reality of the need for a second job. While I realize that only a few people know precisely what's going on with me personally, I still find it very discouraging that some people think my life is a breeze and things are working out perfectly for me.

Umm. What the eff?

True, I have made a few decisions in the past little while that may have raised more than one eyebrow, however not one person has asked me why I made those decisions. Instead, I receive emails full of anger and conflicting sentences that I am supposed to be able to understand. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this while I am still stinging from the awful emails, but like I have always said, this is my blog and if you don't like it, don't read it. If something here upsets you because you think I'm talking about you, instead of whining about it to other people so that it eventually makes it way back to me, just ask me. So much easier and so much less drama that way. Unless of course that's the point.

I am tired of trying to make sure everyone else around me is taken care of. When I first started out on this journey, there were quite a few people supporting me and encouraging me to take the necessary steps. Now, a couple of them have decided that it was just a way for me to cull my group, so to speak, and that now my life is absolutely rosy because they are not as involved in my life as they once were. Smell that? That's the odor of bullshit, folks.

I could explain further but what's the point? It's just going to be taken out of context at a later date and thrown right back at me. If I have learned anything in these past few weeks, it's that those who tell you to go and do what you need to in order to be happy don't really mean it. After all, why would anyone want to watch someone else go and be happy, even if they've worked their ass off and deserve it? Better to make sure they stay down in the shit with everyone else, because truly, that's what friends are for.

One Cat Closer to Craziness

Due to the ferocious nocturnal activities Oscar gets up to, I have decided to get him a companion. It was to the point where I would wake up every hour and a half to something breaking or him jumping over me or some other feline act of ridiculousness. I contacted the shelter where I got Oscar and asked them some questions about how he was with other cats. I did not want to put him through any unnecessary stress if he wasn't good around other cats; I would put up with his shenanigans in that case. The shelter told me he was great with other cats and that in fact there was a cat that needed a home. The woman told me that I could foster this cat until it was clear whether or not Oscar would accept her. So I went and got her.

Meet Daphne. She is 10 months old and very friendly. Her purr is very loud and rumbly.  She loves sitting on laps and is very talkative. She and Oscar are becoming more friendly as time passes. She already has marked out her spot and each time I pass her she reached out her little paw and touches me, as if to remind me that she is there and needs some love. While she isn't exactly the type of cat you can pick up and carry around, she does enjoy human contact. Like most cats, that human contact is on her terms. And that's okay by me.

I know that I am one cat closer to being the crazy cat lady and that is fine with me.  Apparently though, the magic number is five. Since I have two already, I still have time. 

Sunday Night Musings: The Musical

This weekend has been really good for me both mentally and spiritually. I have discovered a few things about myself that potentially could set me on the right path. I know that I have made some questionable decisions recently that have yielded less that desirable results and I have figured out why. The details are not important: what is important is that I have been given some valuable information that I intend to use.

In addition to the amount of thinking I have been able to do, I have been cleaning: both my personal space and my mind. My apartment is sparkling, my dishes are done and my laundry is folded up and put away. Metaphor? Hmm. I think so. Good one though, isn't it?

I posted earlier that I was afraid of being alone. That is still true to a point; I do enjoy having people around me even if they aren't good for me. I have always felt that being with the wrong person is better than being alone. I am in no way suggesting that the boy was the wrong one; these are my problems and they are not caused by him in any way. My fear of being alone stems from insecurity: if I am alone that must mean people don't like me. 

In order to make sure people like me, I would do things to keep them around, sometimes to my detriment. Feigning an interest in race cars just to hold a man's interest is no way to live, and I see that now. Keeping who I am locked away so that others won't find me weird has been difficult, and when I let that mask slip people don't know what to do because I no longer fit into the mold that society has built for me. I am learning that while I am intimidating to a lot of people, and I am intimidating when my mask falls away, there are always people around who welcome my wit and humor no matter how elevated it is. Those people are the ones that I need to focus on, not the fluff that I have mistakenly thought I needed to impress. With that comes such a feeling of lightness and freedom, I can take a deep breath and have the air fill my lungs completely instead of just sipping the oxygen like I used to. I should never have tried to be something that I am not and after all these years I can let all that shit just melt away. I don't need it anymore and I am letting it go. 

Having the interests that I do has made me a bit of a target. Because I am not interested in clothes or who's dating who in Hollywood, a lot of my peers don't know how to relate to me. My best friend and I were talking about this today. We both face this sort of thing wherever we go: people find out we like comics and action figures and video games and their eyes glaze over. We don't respond in the way those people are conditioned to expect in social situations. Again, I have tried to repress that simply to 'fit in' and attempt to get along. I used to avoid certain situations because of the amount of stress I would go through; stress that I was unequipped to handle. Because of my awkwardness and inability to talk 'like a girl', ie: discuss fashion and Hollywood heartthrobs, I would find myself sitting or standing by myself which is not very fun at all. These days I have a new approach: Let the Wookie win.

If you don't get that, please stop reading my blog. You clearly don't belong here.

 

It Makes So Much More Sense Now

I have been made aware that some of my posts sound as though the boy has been preventing me from doing things I love and that isn't true. The culprit has been me. For whatever reason, I have been neglecting myself and the decision to do so has always been mine to make. I know that this might sound as though I've pulled out my soapbox but this is my blog and I will say whatever the hell I want. I just wanted to set that straight. Now, if feelings get hurt through my facebook postings or subsequent blog entries, I have this to fall back on. Everyone happy?

See, and now that sounds bitchy. All I wanted to do was say that the boy didn't prevent me from doing anything I ever wanted to do. Period. I'm moving on now before I say something else stupid and have to explain that.

I have made a startling discovery (nice segue, wouldn't you agree?). There is something wrong with my apartment. I didn't notice at first because I was so excited to be there but the first set of clues was the fact that no plants will grow either inside the apartment or outside on the patio. That's right, outside on the patio where the sun shines is a dead plant zone. Weird hmm? It gets better. When I first brought Oscar home he was fairly docile. He would lay around, even he's only 3 and supposed to be more active, and whenever he nibbled on the plants he'd throw up. Thinking I knew what the problem was, I moved the plants out of his way. He continued to throw up and then the plants died. He has since stopped throwing up but now soemthing else is happening: he's become increasingly more active at night, and that's not a good thing.

He's panicking during the night. He wakes up, comes to me and wakes me up which pisses me off because he doesn't stop until I get up no matter what time it is. I get angry, and he grows more panicked and more desperate to get me up. It's a vicious cycle and I think the only reason I see it now is because I allowed my mind to wander this morning as I walked to work without my earphones on. The energy in the house is wrong. There's no balance; and the only reason I know that is from a conversation I had with my brother last night. I have to correct the energy flow in the house while I decide where to move to.

The decision to move originally came from not wanting to pay as much in rent as what I am, but has now become a health issue. If I cannot fix the energy in this place, I will have no option but to move which may not be a bad idea. After all, I would rather take a smaller place in a different area that I can work with and pay less rent for. I am planning to move out by October but we'll see what really happens. It might be sooner depending on what I find and how fast I can pack and arrange things with the boy for his stuff.

In retrospect I suppose I should have told him this first before blogging about it. Damn. Another screw up.

New Roads to Travel

What I love most about being a writer is that my work appeals to different people at different times. Normally when I write there's a point to it and a paycheque attached. The rare times when I get to do my own things and still get paid are wonderful; I express myself in my own way and someone buys it from me. I just recently started writing for a website that I am a huge fan of: Dork Shelf. These guys are totally in tune with their inner geek and their site shows that. I will be contributing every other week and will mainly talk about toys but I have the option of writing about anything that tweaks my geek.

I have a massive headache today and cannot really think straight. I am going to see my brothers today and have a long drive ahead of me. I will go on and on about how great I am another time so just sit tight. I'll be back when my head feels better. 

Ebb and Flow

I am beginning to slip into a funk. I realize that things don't always go the way you think they should and that sometimes what you think you really wanted was only just a stepping stone to the big payoff. I am struggling with something that I thought that I had dealt with already but clearly haven't: loneliness. I am lonely.

Not lonely in the sense that I sit around and mope all day. I don't really have time for that. I am lonely in the sense that I have spent so much of my time focused on other people that now that I have my space and the potential to live my life the way I have always wanted, I am a little lost. I am not really sure how to go about doing this. I come home from work and my cat is the only one who greets me. I make him dinner, then I make my dinner, I watch some tv and I go to bed. I feel like this is what I need to be doing but I feel like I should be doing something different. 

Don't get me wrong, I am loving being alone. I like coming home to Oscar. I guess I am the type of person who isn't ever alone for too long and I know why. While I am enjoying the peace and serenity of my own place, I still enjoy having a special someone in my life. Right now I am struggling to stay alone: trying to resist calling the boy and asking him to come home because I know that is not what I need. I need to be alone. I need to do my own thing and give myself permission to watch terrible movies at 4am if I want to. I have to do this by myself for myself. And I'm terrified.

What I Have Learned

During the course of my adulthood, I have come up against many things that I believe would have felled any other person. Not to say that I am super-human, because I am not. I am simply a woman who has an innate understanding of the way I work and how that relates to the rest of my surroundings. Do I sound cocky and egotistical? Hmm. Perhaps I am being a bit too over the top with that last statement however I think it's true. Those who know me know what I have endured throughout my life and while I am not handing out invitations to a pity party, I am going to bring a couple of things to light. 

In a week and a half I will be divorced for the second time. That's twice I have chosen a mate and been wrong. Twice I have pledged my heart, my soul and my love to someone who has proven to be less than worthy of such gifts. My first marriage occurred when I was very young and did not know the difference between love and obsession. We parted ways soon after  we married as I found him in a compromising position with another woman. At that point of my life, there was no forgiveness in my heart for acts like that and so I chose a path without him. Many years later I decided that I had found the person with whom I could live out the rest of my days and be happy. That too turned out be false and in the process not only did I lose my husband but I also lost another relationship that was very dear to me.

What idea has more power over us than the idea of love? People say they love each other all the time but what are they really saying? If you were to ask for a definition, you would probably be met with a blank stare. My idea of love is an unfortunate one; unfortunate because I don't feel it is something that can be attained. What I want is so complicated and abstract and ever-changing, I don't think anyone would be able to give that to me. Not to say I won't try, I am just unsure of how far to go after realizing the futility of it all.

Ah, crap. I'm becoming all emo and maudlin. I'm just saddened by the culmination of everything that has gone wrong in the past year and the realization that people are jerks and would do pretty much anything for money. I know about people's prices and how flexible they become when pressed to the limits of their resources, but sometimes I just shake my head and wonder how they sleep at night carrying the knowledge of what they've done within them. Maybe it's just me; maybe I am one of the few truly good people left. I can say with absolute certainty that the events of the past few months would have not occurred if certain positions had been reversed. 

Although I am sad and angry and hurt and feel like I've been made to look the fool, it hasn't been all bad. Divorce #2 has had its good moments: it has brought quite a few things to light that I might have otherwise missed. I know a lot more about the people around me and how they truly feel about me because of this. Most of it is negative, and even that is good to know because now it all makes sense to me. All of the confusion and hesitation I have been feeling is gone. 

I have been handed a new chance and believe me, I intend to take it. Don't misunderstand me though, I am not bitter about any of this. In fact, I am relieved and in time I am going to be happy. I choose who enters my life momentarily and who stays. Now that all the pieces have fallen into place, I can make these decisions with precision and accuracy. Am I discounting love? Nope. But I am going to be much more careful from now on.