I have msn on my computer at work and we use it in lieu of the phone. It's annoying to have to stop what you are doing just to answer the phone and much easier to respond to msn. As you know, I have been quite unhappy with my current job due to the actual amount of work it truly is. I do not have enough time to eat my lunch let alone get my projects completed on time. It's both frustrating and demeaning and I am quite tired of waking up in the middle of the night panicking because I have, surprise surprise, forgotten to do something. Enter Fate; a wonderful, pushy, will-not-be-denied-her-right-to-speak woman. She is in my life in a huge way right now and she will not go away.
Among a plethora of things to happen that alerted me to the presence of Fate, was an awesome lead on a new freelance opportunity thanks to my big brother. I filed it away as something to get to asap and have been plugging along at it in between regular work and sleep. Here's my personal absolute proof that Fate is here: while at work and on msn, I keep getting these little messages across the bottom of the chat window asking me if I need a new job. There are variations on that theme: Am I looking for a challenge? Do I feel unappreciated in my current position? and so on. No one else in the office has seen these messages on their personal chat windows and they had to come to my desk to see my chat windows in order to believe me.
So, I have decided to let Fate work her magic and see where that takes me. I cannot fight it anymore; this is not where I am supposed to be and I have to take steps to rectify the situation that I find myself in. No more being stubborn, no more screwing around. Fate has intervened and I have to listen.
And just like that, I have a new job.
1 Jun 2010
18 May 2010
Pretty Good Times, Eh?
Last night I went to the gym and met my trainer who proceded to kick my ass for an hour. Three weeks in and I am already 12 lbs lighter and a whole mess stronger. He is doing a great job challenging me and last night I almost admitted defeat.
After my workout, which left me dazed and breathless with fluttery muscles, I thought I'd do what I have been doing after every other workout: run on the treadmill. For those of you keeping up with me in current life, you'll recognize how important it is that I can run again. I left my trainer and went to the treadmill and plugged in my normal routine. About ten minutes into it, I had to stop running. I was completely exhausted and just couldn't make my legs work. I thought about stopping altogether but my trainer came by the machine and asked how I was doing. I gritted my teeth and upped the incline percentage and told him I was fine because I am a stupid, stubborn woman. He smiled at me and said I'd better make sure to eat my Wheaties for Wednesday's workout because it's going to be tougher. Sigh.
Despite the pain, going to the gym is working. I feel better about myself and my concentration at work is better. All in all, pretty good. Work itself is ridiculous and I am still trying to find time to write everything that needs to get written before the deadlines hit. So far, I have not been successful with putting aside time to write on a regular basis. I am doing my best though and so far, my best has been good enough.
After my workout, which left me dazed and breathless with fluttery muscles, I thought I'd do what I have been doing after every other workout: run on the treadmill. For those of you keeping up with me in current life, you'll recognize how important it is that I can run again. I left my trainer and went to the treadmill and plugged in my normal routine. About ten minutes into it, I had to stop running. I was completely exhausted and just couldn't make my legs work. I thought about stopping altogether but my trainer came by the machine and asked how I was doing. I gritted my teeth and upped the incline percentage and told him I was fine because I am a stupid, stubborn woman. He smiled at me and said I'd better make sure to eat my Wheaties for Wednesday's workout because it's going to be tougher. Sigh.
Despite the pain, going to the gym is working. I feel better about myself and my concentration at work is better. All in all, pretty good. Work itself is ridiculous and I am still trying to find time to write everything that needs to get written before the deadlines hit. So far, I have not been successful with putting aside time to write on a regular basis. I am doing my best though and so far, my best has been good enough.
3 May 2010
You Know I Can Hear You, Right?
Apparently, I am an idiot. I thought the office politics had ceased since there wasn't any reason for them to continue. No one's job is in jeopardy, although the appearance of an intern seems to have ruffled some of feathers. That, however, is a completely different post.
I have a one-track mind. When I work, I immerse myself in it in order to get the job done in a timely fashion. I don't like stretching things out. Get in, get it done, get out. I was busy working and didn't notice that my phone was ringing. I blocked it out because it was a different ring; it was an internal call and I completely ignored it. By not picking up the phone, I made the girl at the end of the hall get up and walk twenty feet to my desk to tell me there is a call on hold for me. No big deal, right? I said thanks, answered the phone, did whatever and hung up. A few minutes later I needed to go to the other end of the hall and as I walked in, I heard her talking trash about me. All because I didn't hear the phone.
I walked into the room as she was saying that I am an inconsiderate bitch. She saw me and stopped talking and I told her to go on and finish what she was saying. She tried to make it look like she was kidding but it was a feeble attempt and I didn't buy it. I just looked at her, shook my head slightly and told her that I was disappointed at what she had said. I said that I didn't think she would do that sort of thing, and I reminded her that she had told me that she had previously been a victim of that same sort of thing herself. As she had nothing further to say, I walked away.
And that's my day so far.
I have a one-track mind. When I work, I immerse myself in it in order to get the job done in a timely fashion. I don't like stretching things out. Get in, get it done, get out. I was busy working and didn't notice that my phone was ringing. I blocked it out because it was a different ring; it was an internal call and I completely ignored it. By not picking up the phone, I made the girl at the end of the hall get up and walk twenty feet to my desk to tell me there is a call on hold for me. No big deal, right? I said thanks, answered the phone, did whatever and hung up. A few minutes later I needed to go to the other end of the hall and as I walked in, I heard her talking trash about me. All because I didn't hear the phone.
I walked into the room as she was saying that I am an inconsiderate bitch. She saw me and stopped talking and I told her to go on and finish what she was saying. She tried to make it look like she was kidding but it was a feeble attempt and I didn't buy it. I just looked at her, shook my head slightly and told her that I was disappointed at what she had said. I said that I didn't think she would do that sort of thing, and I reminded her that she had told me that she had previously been a victim of that same sort of thing herself. As she had nothing further to say, I walked away.
And that's my day so far.
30 Apr 2010
Time Passes And No One Notices
I have been busy. Between school and work and trying to spend time with my boy, I feel as though I am being stretched to the limit. It seems to be calming down at work now, as people are beginning to take time off; however, it still seems as though I am running in circles.
Despite this, I have had a number of triumphs. One of the science fiction magazines that I subscribe to has accepted one of my stories to include in their spring 2011 issue. There are a few edits I need to make to the piece but it's going to be published. Finally. The editing group I belong to has asked me to edit their policy and procedures handbook which will be published and distributed province-wide in the fall. I can add that editing credit to my resumé which will help me when I write the certification exams later this year. My novel has recieved attention from a few interested publishers which has lit a fire under my ass to get it done. Since it is a very awesome piece of literature, I can't say that I blame them for wanting it completed so that they can share it with the world.
All in all, good things are happening. I know that's not why you read this; you'd rather read a rant about old people or rudeness on the subway that I have experienced. While I can always rant about something or other, this time I just wanted to share a bit of happiness. I realize it isn't as entertaining, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so damn happy and secure in my position in life.
For once.
Despite this, I have had a number of triumphs. One of the science fiction magazines that I subscribe to has accepted one of my stories to include in their spring 2011 issue. There are a few edits I need to make to the piece but it's going to be published. Finally. The editing group I belong to has asked me to edit their policy and procedures handbook which will be published and distributed province-wide in the fall. I can add that editing credit to my resumé which will help me when I write the certification exams later this year. My novel has recieved attention from a few interested publishers which has lit a fire under my ass to get it done. Since it is a very awesome piece of literature, I can't say that I blame them for wanting it completed so that they can share it with the world.
All in all, good things are happening. I know that's not why you read this; you'd rather read a rant about old people or rudeness on the subway that I have experienced. While I can always rant about something or other, this time I just wanted to share a bit of happiness. I realize it isn't as entertaining, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so damn happy and secure in my position in life.
For once.
31 Mar 2010
I Have a Bad Feeling About This
I think there is something wrong with me. I have a great boyfriend who loves me, a solid job that pays my bills, and a wonderful network of wonderful people around me who care about my overall well-being. I have all these wonderful things in my life yet I am still waiting for it to fall apart.
Normally, when I'm in a good place I destroy it. I go out of my way to make sure I am unhappy so that I can turn my hands up to sky and loudly proclaim 'Oh, woe is me' to whoever will listen. This time though, something different is happening. I am still filled with equal parts dread and fear, however I am not deliberately sabotaging my life. I am going through a stage right now where I feel as though I am not quite deserving of all that I have. I keep waiting for my boyfriend to wake up and scream when he sees me lying beside him. Not that I think I am unattractive, it's that I don't quite understand why the hell he would want to be with me. I am very damaged from all the terribleness that happened before, during, and after my divorce and I am finding that my baggage from that gut-wrenchingly awful time keeps popping up at the most awkward times. As I write this, I kind of feel like crying and throwing myself off a bridge (metaphorically speaking, so don't worry guys!) just so my brain will stop whispering to me.
I am doing my best to keep a smile on my face but I am barely holding on. I am trying desperately to let go of things that are hurting me and in those attempts I am finding that there is still so much pain that needs to be dealt with. It seems like a daunting task and I am afraid if I let my mask fall just a little bit everything will fall apart and I can't let that happen.
I just want to go home and hide under my bed.
*Note: I believe a lot of this is coming from the fact that today is the anniversary of my dreams being crushed. It was 2 years ago today when it was decided there would be no reconciliation. I was shattered, both by the fact that my marriage was ending and also the reasons why it was ending. The rest of the terribleness happened shortly after and it managed to completely destroy whatever I had left of my self esteem. I must be feeling as though I am in safe place; I am allowing myself to actually go through this again in an effort to put the demons to rest. That is comforting. Still very much a shitty place to be, but comforting nonetheless.
Normally, when I'm in a good place I destroy it. I go out of my way to make sure I am unhappy so that I can turn my hands up to sky and loudly proclaim 'Oh, woe is me' to whoever will listen. This time though, something different is happening. I am still filled with equal parts dread and fear, however I am not deliberately sabotaging my life. I am going through a stage right now where I feel as though I am not quite deserving of all that I have. I keep waiting for my boyfriend to wake up and scream when he sees me lying beside him. Not that I think I am unattractive, it's that I don't quite understand why the hell he would want to be with me. I am very damaged from all the terribleness that happened before, during, and after my divorce and I am finding that my baggage from that gut-wrenchingly awful time keeps popping up at the most awkward times. As I write this, I kind of feel like crying and throwing myself off a bridge (metaphorically speaking, so don't worry guys!) just so my brain will stop whispering to me.
I am doing my best to keep a smile on my face but I am barely holding on. I am trying desperately to let go of things that are hurting me and in those attempts I am finding that there is still so much pain that needs to be dealt with. It seems like a daunting task and I am afraid if I let my mask fall just a little bit everything will fall apart and I can't let that happen.
I just want to go home and hide under my bed.
*Note: I believe a lot of this is coming from the fact that today is the anniversary of my dreams being crushed. It was 2 years ago today when it was decided there would be no reconciliation. I was shattered, both by the fact that my marriage was ending and also the reasons why it was ending. The rest of the terribleness happened shortly after and it managed to completely destroy whatever I had left of my self esteem. I must be feeling as though I am in safe place; I am allowing myself to actually go through this again in an effort to put the demons to rest. That is comforting. Still very much a shitty place to be, but comforting nonetheless.
23 Mar 2010
I Was Right All Along
People have always told me that I'm too negative. 'You need to brighten up,' they say. "You are far too dark; don't you believe in the purity of the humna soul?'
Aha. Purity of the human soul. What a crock of shit. People, if given the choice and reasonably certain of not being caught, will always fuck you over. People are not pure, and they sure as hell aren't going to change anytime soon. That's just the way things are though, right?
I like to think that no good deed goes unpunished, and no rotten deed goes unnoticed. Today I was walking back to my office after lunch and I was startled to hear a loud crunching sound. I turned and saw that a woman had hit a car as she was pulling out of her parking spot. I stood there wondering what she and her companion were going to do next. I could clearly see that there was damage to the other car. Since I was standing right there watching, I thought that would give them the nudge needed to 'do the right thing' and leave a note on the other car's windshield. Purity of the human soul, where were you?
They left. They just backed up and left the parking lot. No note, no nothing, just exit stage left and thanks for all the fish. Unfortunately for them though, I jotted down the licence plate number and phoned in the accident anonymously.
Don't fuck with karma because it's much bigger than you and will hurt you.
Aha. Purity of the human soul. What a crock of shit. People, if given the choice and reasonably certain of not being caught, will always fuck you over. People are not pure, and they sure as hell aren't going to change anytime soon. That's just the way things are though, right?
I like to think that no good deed goes unpunished, and no rotten deed goes unnoticed. Today I was walking back to my office after lunch and I was startled to hear a loud crunching sound. I turned and saw that a woman had hit a car as she was pulling out of her parking spot. I stood there wondering what she and her companion were going to do next. I could clearly see that there was damage to the other car. Since I was standing right there watching, I thought that would give them the nudge needed to 'do the right thing' and leave a note on the other car's windshield. Purity of the human soul, where were you?
They left. They just backed up and left the parking lot. No note, no nothing, just exit stage left and thanks for all the fish. Unfortunately for them though, I jotted down the licence plate number and phoned in the accident anonymously.
Don't fuck with karma because it's much bigger than you and will hurt you.
3 Mar 2010
Keep It Together
I know that every time I post potentially someone from my office could stumble upon it. I also know that both of my bosses regularly check our computers and internet history to see where we've been and what we've been doing. Knowing all of that has not made me stop posting during business hours though. I figure that with the amount of work I do, both during regular hours and weekends, I am allowed to post on my freaking blog if I want to.
And now, my rant. The people I deal with on a regular basis who are not smart and do not understand the concept of what I do and so make my job a living hell are coming into my office today to conduct a pre-audit. Even though we pay a firm to come in every year and do a thorough audit, these people have it lodged firmly in their heads that they need to come in first and make sure everything is ready. Correction: they need to come in and make sure that I have not embezzled their money or screwed up their membership or any other thing that tops the list this week. Basically, they don't know how I do things and instead of asking me or, how about this, reading the Policy and Procedure Handbook they developed and I implemented, they feel it's better to come into my office and waste half my day with questions about filing.
I know that when the pre-audit committee comes in, they will run me ragged trying to produce reports so they can complain about them. I would love to have these already set up so I could just hand them a stack of paper when they get here but I don't know what reports they want. They didn't think to let me know in advance so I could prepare ahead of time and potentially cut their day shorter. I am basically being set up to fail as they will no doubt time me to see how long it takes me to produce the reports they want. Keeping in mind my primary focus is marketing, not administrative support.
I am going into this knowing that I am going to fail. I am actually at peace with that; this way, nothing is going to surprise me and hopefully I won't be as upset as I have been every other time these women come into my office and wreak havok. We will see how this works out.
On a brighter note, I have very pretty hair today.
And now, my rant. The people I deal with on a regular basis who are not smart and do not understand the concept of what I do and so make my job a living hell are coming into my office today to conduct a pre-audit. Even though we pay a firm to come in every year and do a thorough audit, these people have it lodged firmly in their heads that they need to come in first and make sure everything is ready. Correction: they need to come in and make sure that I have not embezzled their money or screwed up their membership or any other thing that tops the list this week. Basically, they don't know how I do things and instead of asking me or, how about this, reading the Policy and Procedure Handbook they developed and I implemented, they feel it's better to come into my office and waste half my day with questions about filing.
I know that when the pre-audit committee comes in, they will run me ragged trying to produce reports so they can complain about them. I would love to have these already set up so I could just hand them a stack of paper when they get here but I don't know what reports they want. They didn't think to let me know in advance so I could prepare ahead of time and potentially cut their day shorter. I am basically being set up to fail as they will no doubt time me to see how long it takes me to produce the reports they want. Keeping in mind my primary focus is marketing, not administrative support.
I am going into this knowing that I am going to fail. I am actually at peace with that; this way, nothing is going to surprise me and hopefully I won't be as upset as I have been every other time these women come into my office and wreak havok. We will see how this works out.
On a brighter note, I have very pretty hair today.
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