It's Official

I have completely lost my mind. I woke up partway through the night convinced it was Saturday and proceeded to turn off my alarm. I woke up again a bit later and panicked because I could not remember what day it was. After consulting my phone, I had to set my alarm again to make sure I woke up and went into work. I hate it when my brain gets reality and fantasy confused.

This is not the first time I have done this and I suspect it will only get worse because I am also starting to see things. Strange things. Perhaps it's a mixture of lack of REM sleep and too much caffeine, but I am seeing dragons on the subway. Not Smaug dragons, more like fledglings. I see them curled up under seats, cracking open yellow eyes to glare at me when I stare. Dragons hate bad manners and apparently staring open-mouthed is rude. I can't help it, I've never seen a dragon before.

Hmm. I suppose there is a rational explanation for all this and I suspect it may involve time off work and a bit of a rest. One thing truly concerns me though; if I can no longer see the dragons, does that mean they aren't there anymore?

Update...Because You Want To Know

The past little while has been an absolute maelstrom of activity. I am exhausted and in desperate need of a vacation. I have been informed that there is no way I will be able to take any vacation time for at least six months, and that got me thinking about my job and where it's going.

I have a great job and I love the challenges I face each day. I have been given certain opportunities that I may not have been able to pursue had I chosen to work in another position elsewhere. I am very dedicated to my work and to the people I work with. I am, however, beginning to find myself in a unique spot. I have made enough contacts at this job to allow me to go further in my career, only if I want to. And right now, I am tired. No furthering of the career today for October. She needs sleep.

Not much of an update, but there you go. I have written so much in the past little while that I feel as though I have used up my monthly allotment of words.

That's all.

That's Better

I have been meaning to do this for a while and just have not been able to do so. I just deleted a whole bunch of people from Facebook that I no longer talk to. Why have people on there that I don't talk to? Why belong to groups that no longer want me in them? Clearly I will never see them again and will never be invited to join in their activities so why even bother to get updates on things that I cannot go to?

I seem to be going through a bit of a housekeeping phase. There are quite a few people that I used to hang out with on a regular basis that no longer seem to want to be around me. I am okay with that; I just needed to clean house so that I could move on.

Things feel less crowded in my brain without all those negative thoughts about coulda, shoulda, woulda racing around. I am one of those people who normally needs closure; however, in this case I am going to make an exception. I am not going to bother these people anymore, nor do I expect any kind of response from them. This is your chance to walk away scot-free if you want to. You guys know who you are.

You're free.

Take That, Self Esteem

For the majority of my adult life, I have had black hair. It has become a part of me, part of my identity, and part of my armor when facing things that I didn't want to deal with. My hair colour has also been, in my opinion, a factor in keeping my secret self safe from harm because it has acted as a deterrent for most people. It's no secret that the first impression of a female with jet-black hair and tattoos is not a favourable one, and for many years I bought into that. I blamed a lot of my social awkwardness on the stereotype of my appearance. Sound ridiculous? Think about it; almost every woman has a totem that always makes her feel powerful and untouchable. Mine was black hair.

Deciding to change my hair colour was a difficult one. After having black hair for so long, it's hard for me to reconcile having a different colour. In the past when I've tried to do this I have always ended up dyeing my hair back to black in an effort to recapture something I thought I'd lost. I thought that my identity was tied directly to the image I was portraying; the image of the tough, no-nonsense chick with an attitude. Not that that image no longer applies; it certainly does. I just no longer feel the need to beat people over the head with how hard-core I am because they will find out one way or another.

Changing my hair has allowed me to let go of a lot of baggage that has been troubling me for years. Sounds strange, I know, but because I have changed my outward appearance, I feel more comfortable letting go of things. I no longer check my email thinking I will hear from people I haven't heard from in months because now it doesn't matter. They will either contact me or not. It's not up to me and I am fine with that. It isn't that I don't care about them, I just can't invest anymore emotion in something that isn't going to pan out.

All this because of a hair colour change? That's right. Now get out of my way; I have a world to conquer.

Starbucks Did It, Not Me

It was supposed a simple coffee. A quick cup of coffee with my friend who just received some pretty good news. I invited BG to join us and when we arrived at the Starbucks, there wasn't anywhere to sit. So you see, when we ended up at the pub it wasn't our fault at all. If there had been room, we would have enjoyed coffee. Instead, we got hammered on a school night.

I just can't do stuff like that anymore. My job demands my full and complete concentration and when I go out for a few drinks at the end of a long day, it really messes me up. BG and I looked at each other this morning and promised each other we wouldn't do that again on a school night.

The fact that we went drinking on a Monday isn't the worst part. After drinking, the three of us went to another friend's house and did a podcast - that was the worst part. I know for a fact that I made a complete ass out of myself and that at one point, I was told to ease up on the geekiness. That was in relation to my outburst regarding the outrageousness of Stephanie Brown (aka the new Batgirl, former Spoiler, former Robin, etc.) not making an appearance in any of the Blackest Night books. I then justified my outburst by comparing her to the rest of resurrected heroes that are being targeted by Necron and was met with stony silence. I believe it was at that moment that I realized I am damn lucky to not only have a boyfriend, but to have one who also reads comics and gives me noogies when I get out of control.

Bottom line: our usual Starbucks needs to be bigger.

Still Don't Like Christmas

I understand that some people adore Christmas and that's fine; just stay the hell away from me and try to get it through your head that I am not one of you. Every year I go through the same feelings of dread simply because it seems that no matter what I do, no matter what gifts I purchase, nothing is ever good enough. More specifically: I am not good enough.

When I was a kid, Christmas was great. My brother and I would go out with our dad and find a tree, cut it down, and laugh when Mom said it was too big and we wouldn't have enough ornaments for it. Then, it wasn't about the presents, although they were awesome as well. We had the same routine every year and after my parents split, it just wasn't the same. Not that I am blaming my dislike of the holidays on my parents, I am just saying their divorce was a factor as to why I am not a big fan of Christmas.

Over the years I have tried to recapture that feeling I had as a kid and guess what? Can't do it. My father is gone and my mother is married to complete asshat who can't remember my name most of the time despite being in my life for the past 25 years. I thought that by being in my new apartment and having BG by my side, things would be better this year so I invited my brother and his wife and my mother and what's-his-name over for dinner. Disaster. I will never do that again, I can tell you. I am an idiot for trying. Again.

My mom and her husband arrived before my brother and his wife so BG and I had to entertain them. I made coffee, served hors d'oeuvres, and made small talk. My mom told us all about the great time she and her husband had had the previous night at their house with the whole family. She said: 'It was so great to have the whole family together for Christmas finally. Everyone was there. It was so wonderful.' I guess she forgot that I wasn't there.

Part of me wants to laugh it off as just one of those things but deep down, I am hurt. Hurt because when I first approached my mom about having dinner on Boxing Day she agreed, but because her husband's son decided he wanted Christmas dinner they decided to have everyone over Christmas Day. I was not able to join them as I had already made plans with BG's family because I had been told that my mother wasn't going to be having dinner. So once again, I was not included and they went out of their way to make sure I would not be included.

Christmas is a hard time for me because I usually slip into a bit of a depression and this situation has not helped at all. I am upset, hurt, angry, and there is nothing I can do about it so why can't I let it go? I will tell you why. I firmly believe that if you are a shitty person, shitty things will happen to you and I want to stay connected to these people to watch it happen: specifically, my mother's husband. If anyone deserves a heaping portion of shit-on-a-stick, it's that guy.

I am tired of being the one who remembers his birthday and helps my mom plan his surprise party. His own kids don't do that, so why am I? Because I keep hoping that one day he will act like a father towards me, and that is not going to happen. He doesn't even like me. He can't remember my name most of the time when I call and he goes out his way to do things that will hurt me.

I am not his child, and I do not need his approval. I am my own person and I think that if my dad were still alive and saw what I was putting up with, he would shake his head at me. I am so strong in some ways, why am I so weak in this one? I am trying to protect my mother. I figure if I behave the way I am expected to, he will be nicer to her. Sound dumb? It is. People don't change, and I am finally realizing that no matter what I do or how many cards I send he is still going to treat her like shit. I have to accept that this is her decision and that it isn't my fault. I didn't pick him for her; she did. It's upsetting for me to hear about how he treats her but I have to remember that she chose that life for herself and has the opportunity to leave whenever she wants.

I am just tired of being the black sheep when I am the one who does all the things that kids are supposed to do. Fuck it. I am done with it all. My father is dead; I need to remember that.

I Feel Like a Bitch

One of my colleagues is very sick yet still continues to come into work. Why? She is sitting at her desk, hacking, coughing, and sneezing all over everything, and will most likely make everyone in the office ill just in time for our Christmas break. Does this sound like a rant? Good; because that's exactly what I'm about to do.

I understand that people need to work in order to get paid. I also understand that when you have used up all your sick time you might feel as though you have to come in despite the fact that you are ill. People have children and other responsibilities. I get that. What I don't get is the apparent double standard: people with kids don't usually allow their children to go to school or mingle with friends if they are ill. So why is it okay as an adult to throw that caution out the window when they are sick and go into work?

I am a healthy person. I eat properly, I get enough sleep, and I excercise. I don't get sick very often and when I do I can usually sleep it off. Seriously; ask my mother. I have been ill more often at my current job than I have been at any other job I have had. Why? Because it's a small company and my co-workers feel pressured to come into work when they are sick. So now, my co-worker is here spreading around her germs and everyone will no doubt end up sick. Plus, her constant cough is driving me mental. I want to walk over to her desk and shove a Halls down her throat so she'll shut up.

Grr. I have so much work to do and it's all editing-type stuff that requires concentration which I cannot do because of her coughing. I realize I am being ridiculous but come on. If you must be here, then take steps to at least try and quell your incessant cough.

I am totally wearing my grumpy pants today.