New Year?

I am not one of those people who needs to wait for New Year's Eve to begin a new leg of my personal journey. In fact, I don't make resolutions or lists of things I want to accomplish or anything akin to that. I find it a waste of my time and to be honest, most people I know that do make resolutions or lists usually fall short and then begin a slow downward spiral of regret that lasts until the nest New Year's Eve. I just don't have time for that.

I know what my goals are and I know what I need to do in order to accomplish them. The fact of the matter is, I have done many of the things that I have set out to do and by doing so I continue to raise the bar on what I hope to achieve in the future. For me, the start of a new year isn't so much about what I want to accomplish in a year's time, it's about where I want to be NOW. The future will come; there is no stopping it. What I want is to be safe and secure in the now. The future will take care of itself.

Having said that, I am surrounded by people who constantly challenge me to be a better person and who continually push me to do more on a personal level. These people are my friends and I love them with every ounce of my being. Without them I would not be half the person I am today and without my beloved brother I would not have had half the courage to recognize it.

Happy New Year.

Another Year Gone

This past weekend was one of the best I have had in a very long time. I had a birthday party and my friends built me a pirate ship out of meat. That's right; out of meat. Sixteen pounds of meat went into this things and WE ATE IT ALL.

I received a number of things that really resonated within me. I am not talking presents, although they were good too. My friends, I realized, actually know me and understand me. I wanted a nice low-key hang-out with booze and meat and that's precisely what I got. They planned the whole thing: I merely opened the door for them. A couple of things really stood out for me though: my brother and his wife came early because they brought my beloved Oscar and Daphne back to me. Since I am now single, there is no reason I can't have them around as I am not allergic. I was able to have a fantastic conversation with them and get the cats settled before everyone else showed up. We usually communicate through email so it was great to be able to actually talk to them. They stayed as long as they could but because of the long drive they left early. It was really great to see them though and my brother and I were able to share a few laughs before they left.

I had an awesome birthday. I am so thankful to have people in my life who understand me and who accept me for who I am. I don't know of too many other people who can boast of such friends. Sixteen pounds of meat built into a pirate ship, done just for me. You just can't ask for better friends than that.

The Thing About Being Single

It isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, there are moments where I feel pangs of loneliness because I am used to having people around me all the time, but I am adjusting. I feel awful admitting that; seems like there should be an adjustment period of x months before I am allowed to say that, but that's how I feel. I come home, make dinner, watch tv or download something ridiculous, and go to bed. I have settled into a routine built for one and it's actually working for me.

I am dealing with with work a lot better now. I guess without the added stress hanging over me I am now free to actually deal with things at work instead of merely enduring them. While I am still not happy in my job, my brain is able to focus more clearly on the tasks I need to complete.

Don't misunderstand my new found stability; I have moments at work where I break down and mourn the loss of what I thought would last forever. I temper those moments with the knowledge that I did the right thing. While it hurt like hell, I understand that life is full of painful moments and that happiness is contained within the spaces between each pain-filled episode.

My birthday is on Saturday and I originally cancelled my party because I did not think I wanted people around for it. I have since changed my mind and have opened my home to a few people for some low-level revelry. My brother is bringing my cats home to me this weekend and will join me for my birthday for the first time in years. While I know there will be moments throughout the night where I am sad, I am anticipating being surrounded by people who love me to get me through it.

Well, that and copious amounts of gin.

An Update of Sorts

My boyfriend and I have parted ways. He has already moved his things out of the apartment we shared and I am trying to move on. I have a lot of wonderful people around who want nothing more than to make things better for me, but I think I need to just be alone for a while. I don't want to be caught up in my pain and I am trying to remember that it will get better, but for now I just want to hermit.

Needless to say, I did not get my novel done in time for NaNoWriMo. I am not disappointed though; I tried my best and unfortunately I just couldn't get it done. That's okay, I am still writing and will continue to do so despite the bits of angst that creep in when it's late and I've been drinking.

I don't really want to harp on recent events. I am not angry, he isn't either, and while it's a shitty situation, we both understand what led us to this point. It isn't a great situation but it's a hell of a lot better than some of my previous break-up's.

Anyway. There is a giant bottle of gin calling my name and I must surrender to its siren song.

It's Your Decision, Really

I understand that people are going to procreate. I get it, that's fine, do what you want. I don't look down on people for making the decision to have children and in return I expect that they will not look down on me because I choose not to have children. I don't expect to be given a seat on the subway because I don't need one. I am neither pregnant nor elderly and can stand all the way to my destination if need be. I will offer my seat to one of the above groups of people if there are none available; however, if there are vacant seats and that person chooses instead to stand over me and glare because they want MY seat, well then they can just go fuck themselves.

Yesterday, I watched a pregnant woman shame an elderly man with a cane because he took the last vacant seat on the subway. How does that work? She looked to be in her 20's and could most certainly stand for the three-stop duration of her trip. The old man could barely walk, but because she is with child she expected him to let her sit down. Fuck that shit. I really wanted to verbally intervene but instead I stepped on her foot. Oops.

Choosing to have children does not give one the right to make the rest of us pay for it. You decide to have a baby? Good for you. Do not expect me to help you wrangle your immense stroller laden with child and your purse and your groceries and all the rest of the shit that you bought because that isn't going to happen. You are responsible for your own shit which includes figuring out how to get that massive stroller on and off the bus. Alone.

Alternatively, I love the women on the subway who strap their babies to them, thus negating the need for a stroller. These women are smart; they teach their children to walk and then MAKE THEM DO SO. They don't play around with toddlers in strollers; that shit does not fly with them. They tell their kids straight up: you want to go somewhere? Walk.

I just re-read this and realized that I sound like a complete a total c-unit. Perfect.

What the Fuck Just Happened

I have had a bit of a shake up recently; something has happened to make me realize a bunch of different things. They are all variations of the same theme: I am an idiot. Seriously. Don't misunderstand; this is not me asking for compliments, this is me finally accepting that I keep making the same mistakes.

Although I am grappling with an enormous personal situation, I am expected by those around me to put on a brave face and pretend that things are great. This morning though, I'd had enough and that expectation was shattered. when I was asked how I am doing, I answered truthfully. 'Not great'. When the person started back, puzzled, I offered that I had just recently had a death in my family and that it was a difficult time. Again, the other person was at a loss as to what to say to me.

Honesty is a difficult value to practice. I catch myself in many small fabrications during the course of my daily life and this morning when I didn't blur the truth and answered the question, 'How are you?' with exactly how I really was doing, a strange thing happened: I felt better.

Now if I could just get that feeling to pay rent, I'd be fine.

So I Blew Up Our Ship

A few things have happened since my last post. I can't really talk about them because I am still wrestling with what they might ultimately mean. Having said that, I can happily report that I am still keeping up with the word count for NaNoWriMo and I am very proud of that. What I can and will talk about is something both delightful and entertaining. Because I am both of those things.

I recently joined a group of guys who are currently playing Warhammer 40K: Dark Heresy the role-playing game, not the table-top. I haven't played an RPG in years, and I am finding it very interesting with the variety of things my character can do. My character is a Tech Priest named 42 who has no idea of why he is involved with the current group of Inquisitors. I am having a blast exploring the innocence of my character while also figuring out how the game mechanics work. Its also a really good opportunity for me to get out of the house and do something that I enjoy. We meet once a week and play for roughly 8 hours. Let me tell you, those hours fly by while playing and every time we stop, I have a moment of 'dammit, why can't we just stay here and play straight through to Monday?'

Onto yesterday. So, my character really has clue about things like combat and can't really take a punch. 42 is a very delicate being who wants only to communicate with the machine spirit and if necessary, blow people up from a distance. He is very good at hacking which is why I think the others tolerate him. He can do things with machines and computers that the others cannot and he is constantly surprising them with his talents. Except for yesterday. He might be in trouble.

To make a long story short, 42 was supposed to be assisting with capturing data from a spaceship that was stranded in the middle of nowhere. He ripped his Void-suit and injured himself and was sent back to the ship. Strike one. He gets onto the ship and discovers a plot to kill his teammates but doesn't know how to communicate that because he has no fellowship skills. Strike two. Then, the traitorous pilot shackles 42 and disables his mechadendrites (robotic helper-tentacles that can smash through things and carry shit and are very useful) and pistol-whips him, confusing him further. The pilot forces 42 to issue the restart information to his teammates who are on the other ship and have no clue what's going on. Finally, one of his teammates kind of suspects that things aren't going according to plan and in the process of people being shot at by the traitorous prick who is piloting our ship and 42 managing to get free and turn on the robot sentries still on the ship, the pilot ends up getting pasted across the inside of the cockpit which then erupts in a huge fire. Strike three.

It ended up alright, but the fact that remains that 42 is single-handedly responsible for fucking things up every single time shit goes down. I already have my freak-out speech ready for they get back to the ship and start screaming at 42 for blowing up the ship. It will be epic.

So, when things happen in real life I can always remember that at least I didn't blow up the escape ship. Yet.