This Time Will Be Different, I Swear

Last night was my first shift back at the strip club I tended bar at roughly two years ago. I was asked to pick up a couple of shifts here and there, and because I am friends with most of the waitstaff I agreed. Doesn't hurt that the money is really good, either. It was weird for about the first hour and then it was like a fog lifted and I got into a rhythm. See, the tricky part here is that people move around within the club, so when someone at table 41 orders a beer, they may not stay at table 41 and it's up to you to find them, give them their beer, and get paid. I quickly remembered how I did this before and the night was a success, if you want to measure it in money and forget about such things as not spending time time with loved ones or sleep.

I am at my day job right now and while I am not doing too badly, I wonder how the fuck I did this before. I worked two full time jobs: a typical 9a-5p shift at a respectable office and a 7p-2a shift 5 times a week at the club. I had money because I didn't have time to spend it. My life is different now in that I don't want to kill myself working two jobs just to have money in the bank. That way lies madness, and I have more than enough of that already without adding sleep deprivation to the mix.

For now I am content with working a shift or two a week. With the amount of people on the roster, I can't imagine I would get any more that anyway and that suits me just fine. My writing is going strong and I am hoping to have my book ready to submit by the end of next week. Fingers crossed; they asked for it so hopefully they will like what I have written.

I am tired but I feel like things are moving in the right direction. I have made a few major decisions this past week and I am confident in what I have chosen to do with my life and the direction in which I wish to go. That's one thing I will say about life; it's never boring as long as you are willing to put forth an effort.

Drama-free in 3...2...1...

Every single time I post here, people email me to either tell me how upset they are with whatever I've written or to make sure I'm not talking specifically about them. The last time I checked, this is my blog. If you don't like something you are reading, be an adult and stop reading. Don't email me to give me shit because I am venting and you feel like it's all about you. Chances are, you and I have already had that conversation and I am just getting rid of residual anger. It really and truly isn't a big deal until you email me to tell me you read my blog and ask me to explain myself.

I have a sharp tongue and little to no filter. I know this, my friends know this, and people whom I've just met know this. I am baffled by people's reactions to me when they ask my opinion and I give it to them undiluted and un-prettified: they just stare at me shaking their heads asking why I am so mean to them. You asked me what I thought, remember? Silly me, I thought you wanted honesty, not someone to parrot back what they think you want to hear. If that's what you are after, then holy shit did you ever ask the wrong person.

Clearly I am having a trying day and dealing with people who have little-to-no common sense. If you need to requisition a cheque, do you just email accounting and ask for the money? No, you need to provide back-up, proof if you will, that the amount you are asking for is legitimate and pertinent to a job you are involved in. It is not up to me to get that information: you want the money, you provide the back up I need in order to get it. If you don't, then I am not going to produce money out of thin air with no paper trail. I have enough to do without trying to sort out other people's regional budgets.

That's just a tiny frustrating slice of my day but I am happy to say it isn't all bad; a very wonderful and amazing thing has happened to me and while I'm keeping it to myself for now, suffice to say that it's been a long time time coming and I am happy that it's finally here.

No, I am not pregnant. Jerks.

Maybe I Should Have Waited. . .

A little while back I made a decision. I was given a gift during the holidays that struck me as a bit inappropriate, yet due to 'good manners' I kept my mouth shut for fear of offending. It is an awesome gift, one that would have been perfect had the situation been a bit different and I felt strongly about giving it back. I told a couple of people I was going to do just that; I was going to either take it back to the store it came from or ask the person who gave it to me to come and get it. Then I made a different decision: I opened the gift and put it together.

I feel I should have given it back; by keeping it I made it seem as though such actions were welcome when they aren't. I know that the right thing to do would have been to give it back and by not doing that, I have potentially opened a door that I did not wish to.

By deciding to keep it, I have shown that I can be bought. Regardless of how ridiculous that sounds, the fact remains that I should have given back, not acted like a five-year-old and torn open the box to put it together.

I am disappointed in myself.

New Year?

I am not one of those people who needs to wait for New Year's Eve to begin a new leg of my personal journey. In fact, I don't make resolutions or lists of things I want to accomplish or anything akin to that. I find it a waste of my time and to be honest, most people I know that do make resolutions or lists usually fall short and then begin a slow downward spiral of regret that lasts until the nest New Year's Eve. I just don't have time for that.

I know what my goals are and I know what I need to do in order to accomplish them. The fact of the matter is, I have done many of the things that I have set out to do and by doing so I continue to raise the bar on what I hope to achieve in the future. For me, the start of a new year isn't so much about what I want to accomplish in a year's time, it's about where I want to be NOW. The future will come; there is no stopping it. What I want is to be safe and secure in the now. The future will take care of itself.

Having said that, I am surrounded by people who constantly challenge me to be a better person and who continually push me to do more on a personal level. These people are my friends and I love them with every ounce of my being. Without them I would not be half the person I am today and without my beloved brother I would not have had half the courage to recognize it.

Happy New Year.

Another Year Gone

This past weekend was one of the best I have had in a very long time. I had a birthday party and my friends built me a pirate ship out of meat. That's right; out of meat. Sixteen pounds of meat went into this things and WE ATE IT ALL.

I received a number of things that really resonated within me. I am not talking presents, although they were good too. My friends, I realized, actually know me and understand me. I wanted a nice low-key hang-out with booze and meat and that's precisely what I got. They planned the whole thing: I merely opened the door for them. A couple of things really stood out for me though: my brother and his wife came early because they brought my beloved Oscar and Daphne back to me. Since I am now single, there is no reason I can't have them around as I am not allergic. I was able to have a fantastic conversation with them and get the cats settled before everyone else showed up. We usually communicate through email so it was great to be able to actually talk to them. They stayed as long as they could but because of the long drive they left early. It was really great to see them though and my brother and I were able to share a few laughs before they left.

I had an awesome birthday. I am so thankful to have people in my life who understand me and who accept me for who I am. I don't know of too many other people who can boast of such friends. Sixteen pounds of meat built into a pirate ship, done just for me. You just can't ask for better friends than that.

The Thing About Being Single

It isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, there are moments where I feel pangs of loneliness because I am used to having people around me all the time, but I am adjusting. I feel awful admitting that; seems like there should be an adjustment period of x months before I am allowed to say that, but that's how I feel. I come home, make dinner, watch tv or download something ridiculous, and go to bed. I have settled into a routine built for one and it's actually working for me.

I am dealing with with work a lot better now. I guess without the added stress hanging over me I am now free to actually deal with things at work instead of merely enduring them. While I am still not happy in my job, my brain is able to focus more clearly on the tasks I need to complete.

Don't misunderstand my new found stability; I have moments at work where I break down and mourn the loss of what I thought would last forever. I temper those moments with the knowledge that I did the right thing. While it hurt like hell, I understand that life is full of painful moments and that happiness is contained within the spaces between each pain-filled episode.

My birthday is on Saturday and I originally cancelled my party because I did not think I wanted people around for it. I have since changed my mind and have opened my home to a few people for some low-level revelry. My brother is bringing my cats home to me this weekend and will join me for my birthday for the first time in years. While I know there will be moments throughout the night where I am sad, I am anticipating being surrounded by people who love me to get me through it.

Well, that and copious amounts of gin.

An Update of Sorts

My boyfriend and I have parted ways. He has already moved his things out of the apartment we shared and I am trying to move on. I have a lot of wonderful people around who want nothing more than to make things better for me, but I think I need to just be alone for a while. I don't want to be caught up in my pain and I am trying to remember that it will get better, but for now I just want to hermit.

Needless to say, I did not get my novel done in time for NaNoWriMo. I am not disappointed though; I tried my best and unfortunately I just couldn't get it done. That's okay, I am still writing and will continue to do so despite the bits of angst that creep in when it's late and I've been drinking.

I don't really want to harp on recent events. I am not angry, he isn't either, and while it's a shitty situation, we both understand what led us to this point. It isn't a great situation but it's a hell of a lot better than some of my previous break-up's.

Anyway. There is a giant bottle of gin calling my name and I must surrender to its siren song.