Let's Do This

Today is going to be interesting. I have been fighting with myself all week trying to decide if I am actually going to go ahead and do it. I am expected, I have been invited, however I still feel as though I am crashing because no one except for my big brother knows that I am attending. I am talking about my little brother's wedding. I have been asked to go and I still do not know if I am actually going to go ahead and attend.

 My step-mother will be there and no doubt will be on her best behaviour. I don't know how I'm going to react to her. She was terrible to me when I was growing up; trying to mold me into what she thought I should be based on her childhood and the way she was raised. When I wouldn't adhere to her idea of what I should be, because I was a stubborn and willful child, she would beat me. My father stood back and let her, knowing full well that what she was doing was wrong but I suppose he felt powerless to intervene. Anyway, that's all ancient history and it's time to move on. The point is that she was a definite factor in the amount of therapy I have had to have over the years. And today I get to see her again.

My mother tells me that this will be good for me. I'm not sure what she means by that. I do know that I am much more prepared to see my step-mother this time than I was at my father's funeral. Also, today isn't about her. If she and I need to talk, we can do that some other time when her son isn't getting married. You can tell that I am stressed by the way I'm writing.

I have stalled long enough. Trying to not throw up. What the hell am I doing? Enough. I am going to go shower and go to this if for no other reason that to write about it when I get home.