Purging - The Before

I have an incredible amount of stuff. Stuff that I haven't looked at in years, things that I've never worn, and books that I will probably never, ever read. Why do I have all of this crap?

Oh, that's right. I thought that having 'things' meant that I was successful, that I had somehow 'made it' because because I could afford to buy all that stuff. People would walk into my place and be stunned by the sheer volume of things. I had things on top of things beside more things that had other things resting against them.

So much stuff, and none of it is making me happy.

I have been part of the 'should' tribe for a very long time. I would tell myself that I 'should' get up early and exercise before going to work, that I 'should' spend more time writing, that I 'should' get out of debt. And I haven't. 

Do you know why?

It's because I am afraid. I am afraid of losing my credibility as a comic nerd if I don't have all of them in my house. I am afraid of actually committing to an exercise regime that will work, because then I will have to keep it up and I don't want to be all crazy about it. I am afraid that if I don't keep all of the holiday and birthday cards my mom has ever given me that somehow I am a bad daughter. And, I'm afraid that if I set a budget and stick to it, that I will become 'un-fun' to be around.

When I actually write it all down and read it, I sound like an idiot. Why am I afraid of those things? Why do I insist on having things around me that aren't adding value to my life? 

Clutter aside, it's just dumb. I can't possibly read every single book nor do I have to have my own personal copy of it to enjoy it. There are these things called libraries; have you heard of them? Apparently, you can go there and they will lend you a book to read and all you have to do is read and take it back. As in, not keep it. And then, they let you take another book to read.

I am starting to pack for the move in a couple of weeks and as I stood there surveying my items, I realized that I need to make a change. I cannot keep lugging all of this crap around with me. It serves me no purpose.

Sounds like an epiphany is about to happen.

Last night, as I started to pack up my graphic novels, I came across a photo album from my previous marriage. Without thinking, I tore out the pages, shredded them, and recycled the book.

Can I tell you how that felt? I felt a little tiny release inside my heart, as if I were finally letting go of that part of my life. I didn't need to carry that around with me anymore so I released it.

I am excited to see what else I can let go of. 

What If?

That's always been the big question, hasn't it? Every time something is going well for us, we question what might have been had we made a different decision. It's something I catch myself doing and when I do, I smile and remind myself that not all doors are closed and not all windows open.

We are never happy with what we have in the moment and we look for a reason to doubt that happiness is ours. Personally, I believe that people are afraid to be happy because it alerts others to the fact that you are no longer playing by their rules. To be happy is to be free of those social constraints that seek to keep you down and in compliance within the accepted framework of doubt, cleverly disguised as 'knowing what's best'.

How many times have you found yourself saying things like, 'I'd never take that much of a risk, not with the job market being what it is'; or 'She's crazy, dating that guy. She doesn't even know what a Monet is!'. Those are clearly ridiculous examples, and for good reason. Other people's ideas and thoughts and feelings are just that: not yours. Who knows why the risk-taker chose this time to make their move? Do you really care why she is dating that guy? Why are you so invested?

Fear. 

Things like that are said out of fear that someone might be getting closer to achieving their brand of happiness and that's frightening to those who are nowhere near that point in their lives. Those who actively make changes to be happy are looked at sideways.

I have tried to keep 'What If's' out of my internal monologue, however difficult it might be. I have realized that there is no such thing as a closed door or an open window; that all things are just where they need to be, when they need to be there. For me, there is no looking back in anger. If I choose to look back and reflect, it's with love and an appreciation for the lessons I learned during those painful times.

I am conquering my fears by restating them in terms that better reflect what they are. I am not afraid of success; I am afraid of losing people along the way. I am not afraid of change; I am afraid of what happens after the change happens. And so on.

Re-framing is a big part of my strategy for overcoming stress, fear, anger, and sadness. Often I find that by restating what I am feeling, I can figure out what the root cause is and deal with it, thereby eliminating the stress. 

Might not work for everyone, but it keeps me sane.