Life = Learning Things

Every single day I am alive on this great big ball of space dust, I learn things. Some of those things are glorious and magical and other times they make me want to curl up into a ball and wait for it to be over.

I needed to make amends to someone that I knew I had not treated the way they should have been treated. I crafted a message full of apology in order to be able to close the door and continue on my personal journey. I was surprised to receive a response that was clearly intended to hurt me. I took some time to digest the words and to search for the meaning hidden in them. I realized that there is still so much anger, and most of it has been misdirected my way, and that this person still has a very long road ahead of them in terms of accepting responsibility for their actions.

I am deciding whether or not to respond; I am no longer angry despite the many hurtful betrayals I suffered at their hands. I understand that it isn't my place or responsibility to educate them with respect to the email response: rather, it is my place to continue on my own journey and wish them nothing but the best.

What's interesting here is that a couple of years ago I would have jumped all over this and stated my case very clearly, ad nauseam, as to why I was being targeted unfairly and would have presented very clear and concise proof to back it all up. Now I just shake my head and give thanks for the reminder that I am not in control of anybody except myself and do not need to take responsibility for anyone's actions except mine. It's a wonderfully freeing experience and I wish I could share it with them.

I take solace in the fact that I reached out and gave them an opportunity to say the things they felt they needed to say. I am happy that I am in a place where I can do that without fear of losing myself to the demons that constantly circle and wait for an opening. 

I love this life and my journey. 

Y'all Ready for This?

I have been doing a lot of reading on happiness and wellness and I am slowly starting to learn that not everyone is out to get me. Most are, but not every single person is. Big difference there.

Having spent much of my life looking back with regret, anger, and resentment, it's somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone. Lots of people have difficulty letting go of things: whether it's situations or people, there is always a grieving period. I've realized that I have not taken responsibility for fucking up personal relationships, nor have I placed blame on others who have caused me harm. 

My absolute truth? I have done some horrible things to people that did not deserve it. In admitting that, I step towards self-forgiveness. I cannot ask them for their pardon, and that is all right. I can no longer look back, or else I am lost. I can only move forward and hope that when faced with similar situations, I can make different choices.

Another truth? I have also done horrible things to those who DID deserve it, and although I should not play (insert deity preference here), I absolutely did and I have no regrets. Of course, it doesn't erase the other stuff and nor should it. We all should take responsibility for our actions, no matter what.

My difficulty right now is self-care. I still have issues surrounding trust and am still paranoid of lots of things. I am taking small, simple steps to try and break out of that. One of my favourite ways is the Stop, Drop and Roll method. 

Here's how it works. Say you have an unpleasant thought: could be anything from dissing someone's outfit to outright self-loathing. As soon as you are conscious of the negativity, STOP THINKING. Tricky to do when you are in the throes of self-shaming, but still. Stop thinking the thought. Then, DROP the thought by switching to something mundane like ice cream. Whatever. As long as the negative thought stays out of your mind. Then, ROLL a new thought out: could be anything, I usually choose something comic book related but that's me. 

I am learning how to deal with things and the more I read, the more I realize how much there is to learn. Lucky for me I enjoy the learning process!

I am happier, better adjusted, and willing to change. That is more than I can say for a lot of people out there... namely the ones who still wallow in their own pools of self-pity. Why wait for things to happen? Get out there and make shit happen or before you know it, you're on your deathbed thinking, 'Fuck. Why didn't I sky-dive?'

Today is the day. What will YOU do with it?