You know when you work too much and feel like crap? That's where I am right now. I finished writing another book last month (in and around NaNoWriMo which was totally for me and completely worth the stress now that it's done) and now that it's in the editing phase, I'm kind of at a loss of what to do.
I have a few other projects on the go that I suppose I could apply more time to but I am fucking tired. My brain feels like there have been too many people traipsing around inside it for far too long and now that they're all gone, the silence is terrifying.
I always feel as though I need to be doing something. I know I've got another 40 - 50 years left on this hunk of dirt and I want to make it worthwhile but how exactly do you do that? It seems as though things like that aren't really up to you to decide; it's up to those who come after you to say whether you did neat-o stuff or not.
Not that it matters. I mean, if it doesn't matter to you now, why would matter then? I've never been one to look to the crowd for acceptance and I don't imagine I'll start any time soon. It's far too much fun being unexpected.
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Hedgehog with raspberry
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Look at this hedgehog, for instance. Do you think he gives a shit about whoever is holding the camera? Doesn't look like it to me. He is far too wrapped up in his raspberry to care about what anyone else is thinking.
Be like the hedgehog. Ignore the camera. Eat the berry. Savour every last morsel of that berry and when you're done, go find another one and do the exact same thing all over again.
All the time ignoring the camera and whoever is behind it. Those people don't understand why you are ignoring them and will keep watching to see if you make a mistake. You won't. You're eating a raspberry and enjoying it.
Life is truly too short to not eat the berries.
I seem to spend a lot of time talking about doing things rather than just doing them. Part of that is because I suffer from a lack of confidence and I don't want to be laughed at if it should turn out that I fail. I share this trait with many other people and I am getting tired of it.
I read this article by Seth Godin that talks about compromise. One line in particular stuck out at me and made me sit back:
"Compromise gives us an out, because, with multiple goals, it's easy to play it safe."
Compromise does more than give me an out; it hobbles me to a point where every damn thing is so daunting I cannot even get started. A self-imposed daily goal of writing a thousand words does not sound too difficult when you consider how many hours in day there are in which to accomplish that. So what happens? Why can't I do it? Why can't I finish NaNoWriMo, even once?
Simple. I compromise my time away and I don't make it a priority. Also, I don't care who you are: a thousand words all in a row every single is pretty daunting.
My solution is this: I am going to write 100 words a day on this blog. Sometimes it's going to be hard and I won't want to, and those are the times when I will really have to examine the choices I make.
After all, when I say that I don't have time, what I'm really saying is I don't want to make it a priority.
The passing of November into December marks a major milestone finished for another year: NaNoWriMo. This year, my success was not in finishing 50,000 words but in actually sitting down and plotting out a novel. A novel that I am still working on, even though I did not meet the word count for November. I was feeling a bit down about this until a very good friend of mine sent me the following message:
'The thing a lot of people forget about NaNoWriMo is that you can also write in the other eleven months of the year. Because EVERY month is novel writing month. So yes, keep writing.'
That made me feel better. I will always try and complete the challenge every year, but I will not make it my only time to write. In fact, I have re-worked the original plot outline and I am continuing on with my idea.
I am actually enjoying the process this time around, rather than feeling stressed out for not writing as many words as I thought I would. By not placing any kind of expectation on myself, save for writing well, I am far more productive.
I found my secret to writing well. And it took failing NaNoWriMo to find it.
So NaNoWriMo started this morning and I am pretty proud of myself. Not only did I actually get up when my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I sat myself down and wrote. For me, I have already won. I have been saying for the longest time that I was going to get up early and write and I never have because I like sleep. It's my friend.
I did something else that is different this year: I wrote an actual proper outline. I wrote a back story, developed characters, ideas, and themes, and know how the story ends. All in all, a much better start.
While I didn't meet the word count this morning, I am not going to stress myself out over it. I will either write more tonight or do a bit extra tomorrow morning. I am happy with what I've written so far and my characters are realistically flawed.
When I compare where I am right now with where I was last year, I am blown away by the difference. I am in such a great place with people around me who love me, and I am grateful for the support I have received during the past year. I have learned to make hard decisions, learned how to let go of things that are hindering my happiness, and am working towards forgiving those who have hurt me.
In keeping with these lessons learned, I have quit my current job that is not fulfilling me and have taken another that will. I am taking responsibility for my own happiness and rejecting the notion that I do not deserve it.
My hair has also made an interesting transition: last year I was lightening my jet-black hair in order to try and infuse myself with light. It took many steps and lots of money and in the end, I have decided to return to black. I always do. I don't consider the journey to be a waste; I have learned much and will continue to do so.
With awesome hair.
