I have a huge confession to make. I haven't been the best person I could be. I have known the right thing to do at all times, and sometime I have chosen to ignore it to satisfy my own agenda. When my friends ignored me after I announced my engagement, I chose to not contact them even though I knew deep down that if I did things would be mended. I decided instead to wallow in self pity, and up until yesterday that was what I was best at.
My job has been making me miserable. Let me correct myself: I have been allowing other people to make my work experience negative. I have allowed them to make me feel like I don't belong, like I am the one who has the problem. I had a really good cry yesterday along with a fantastic chat with one of my best soul-friends M and she put me back on track. I have a good shot at a career with this company and if someone is upset because I'm capable, or thinking that maybe I could possibly do her job better than she could, well that's her issue not mine. M said to me yesterday that she's never known me to care about what other people think of me. Maybe this is different because the girl in question is related to me but still...M is right. Maybe I was handed this job because of who I know but the bottom line is I'm still employed because of my capabilities.
On top of this at work, hubby and I have been fighting. A lot. It's been me picking fights and making him suffer because I have felt that I have no control over anything. I had a long talk with him last night and we both agreed that my job sucks. We are discussing some options for an alternative, should my fantastic 'promotion' not come through in January. Which it probably won't, but we'll see.
On a lighter note, I met with X and Z for dimsum Sunday. It was a little awkward at first, because I knew that Z really wanted to talk to me about what had happened to make her stop talking to me. Now that Y is out of the country until next year, I guess she feels it's okay to hang out with me.
That was uncalled for. But it's how I feel.
After dimsum, we went our separate ways, with X going off to do some shopping and Z and I heading the same way on the subway. She started telling me about her trip to meet Y in Europe and how badly it went and some of the issues she had with her. Half way through I asked her why she thought it was okay to tell me this stuff. She stopped talking, and then apologised to me for the past six months. She told me that she was really sorry for the email she had sent me after I announced my engagement and for not keeping in touch. I asked her why I wasn't invited to her birthday party and she looked away. She said that she had taken Y's problem with me on herself. I replied that she'd picked sides and it wasn't cool. I then told her exactly how I felt about the whole thing: starting with the email she'd sent, the fact that she didn't have time for me until the middle of July ( I was engaged in early May), and that she was busy planning a party. I said that she had hurt me by telling me she was planning her birthday party and she had chosen not to invite me.
I felt relieved to say all those things to her. I had been carrying it around for so long that it felt good to be free of it. She apologised and I accepted. I told her that she would have to be patient with me though because I wasn't ready to jump back into BFF mode.
(Evil October: Hope she tells Y about us 3 hanging out while she's gone...)
Can't seem to get rid of that little part of me that wants Y to feel incredibly lonely overseas by herself while we're here having a great time hanging out. I email her every now and again to let her know how great things are with me and I can't help but feel really good afterwards. My life is good. I didn't need to go away for a year to 'find' myself because I know who I am. I just need to be reminded every now and again.
