That's always been the big question, hasn't it? Every time something is going well for us, we question what might have been had we made a different decision. It's something I catch myself doing and when I do, I smile and remind myself that not all doors are closed and not all windows open.
We are never happy with what we have in the moment and we look for a reason to doubt that happiness is ours. Personally, I believe that people are afraid to be happy because it alerts others to the fact that you are no longer playing by their rules. To be happy is to be free of those social constraints that seek to keep you down and in compliance within the accepted framework of doubt, cleverly disguised as 'knowing what's best'.
How many times have you found yourself saying things like, 'I'd never take that much of a risk, not with the job market being what it is'; or 'She's crazy, dating that guy. She doesn't even know what a Monet is!'. Those are clearly ridiculous examples, and for good reason. Other people's ideas and thoughts and feelings are just that: not yours. Who knows why the risk-taker chose this time to make their move? Do you really care why she is dating that guy? Why are you so invested?
Fear.
Things like that are said out of fear that someone might be getting closer to achieving their brand of happiness and that's frightening to those who are nowhere near that point in their lives. Those who actively make changes to be happy are looked at sideways.
I have tried to keep 'What If's' out of my internal monologue, however difficult it might be. I have realized that there is no such thing as a closed door or an open window; that all things are just where they need to be, when they need to be there. For me, there is no looking back in anger. If I choose to look back and reflect, it's with love and an appreciation for the lessons I learned during those painful times.
I am conquering my fears by restating them in terms that better reflect what they are. I am not afraid of success; I am afraid of losing people along the way. I am not afraid of change; I am afraid of what happens after the change happens. And so on.
Re-framing is a big part of my strategy for overcoming stress, fear, anger, and sadness. Often I find that by restating what I am feeling, I can figure out what the root cause is and deal with it, thereby eliminating the stress.
Might not work for everyone, but it keeps me sane.
27 Jan 2015
20 Jan 2015
Truly, Madly, Deeply
Today I finally let go of it all. My anger, my disappointment, all the negative feelings I've been carrying around that I have been associating with you are all gone. I have erased my expectations of you and have begun to mend. I know there is no phone call at the 11th hour to lay bare all that I don't understand. I know you aren't coming and that you never will. I know that our time together is over: completely, utterly, over.
So why am I writing this?
Because I know you read this. I know that you come here searching for clues that I am still somehow connected to you and that I am still searching for some type of answer that I will never get but all that is gone now. All those feelings that I once felt for you are gone.
I used to dream about you calling me and telling me why you did the things you did. I used to think that the only way I could move forward would be to have that conversation and to be able to tell you how you made me feel throughout it all and afterward.
I understand now that none of it matters. I understand that you aren't a part of my life anymore and will never be. The spot that I once thought would never heal from our time together is now slowly stitching itself back together, fibre by fibre.
I am whole again.
I have broken free of the self-imposed shackles of envy, shame, and anger and have replaced them with warmth, love, and self-care.
I am whole again.
Thank you for showing me how to do this for myself. Thank you for turning your back on me and forcing me to figure this out for myself. Thank you for your continued silence; it has shown me more than I could ever put into words.
Thank you.
So why am I writing this?
Because I know you read this. I know that you come here searching for clues that I am still somehow connected to you and that I am still searching for some type of answer that I will never get but all that is gone now. All those feelings that I once felt for you are gone.
I used to dream about you calling me and telling me why you did the things you did. I used to think that the only way I could move forward would be to have that conversation and to be able to tell you how you made me feel throughout it all and afterward.
I understand now that none of it matters. I understand that you aren't a part of my life anymore and will never be. The spot that I once thought would never heal from our time together is now slowly stitching itself back together, fibre by fibre.
I am whole again.
I have broken free of the self-imposed shackles of envy, shame, and anger and have replaced them with warmth, love, and self-care.
I am whole again.
Thank you for showing me how to do this for myself. Thank you for turning your back on me and forcing me to figure this out for myself. Thank you for your continued silence; it has shown me more than I could ever put into words.
Thank you.
19 Jan 2015
The Power of Cats
Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with a severe panic attack. I felt my throat close, I couldn't catch my breath, and in the darkness I saw stars. I was just about to go into a full-on thrash when my cat rubbed against me.
She'd been sleeping soundly, curled up right next to me. In the moment I didn't think it was odd but looking back, she almost always sleeps on the radiator next to the bed and not actually on the bed. Except for last night.
She stretched out and placed her delicate paw on my arm, pulling it closer to her. In my surprise, I reached down and ruffled her fur and she snuggled closer. I felt her warmth and was comforted by it and soon calmed down.
I lay there, listening to my husband breathe and feeling our other cat shift in his sleep at my feet. I lay there with her snuggled up against me with her tiny paws gently touching my face as if to reassure herself that I was okay. I fell back asleep with her in my arms.
I just wanted to share that moment with you. I have never felt more loved than I did last night surrounded by those whom I cherish.
She'd been sleeping soundly, curled up right next to me. In the moment I didn't think it was odd but looking back, she almost always sleeps on the radiator next to the bed and not actually on the bed. Except for last night.
She stretched out and placed her delicate paw on my arm, pulling it closer to her. In my surprise, I reached down and ruffled her fur and she snuggled closer. I felt her warmth and was comforted by it and soon calmed down.
I lay there, listening to my husband breathe and feeling our other cat shift in his sleep at my feet. I lay there with her snuggled up against me with her tiny paws gently touching my face as if to reassure herself that I was okay. I fell back asleep with her in my arms.
I just wanted to share that moment with you. I have never felt more loved than I did last night surrounded by those whom I cherish.
8 Jan 2015
Social Manners in Small Spaces
I have been living in the same place for a number of years and while I love it, I need a change. I have always regretted moving from the amazing apartment I had just prior to moving into my current place, and now I have an opportunity to move back.
Let me back up a bit. When I split from my ex-husband, I stayed with a friend in her apartment for about 6 weeks while I got my shit together. As I went about my daily routine, I noticed how relaxed I was, considering the situation I was in. I snagged an apartment in the same building and moved out of my friend's place and set about rebuilding my life.
During the next couple of years, a number of things happened that contributed to me deciding to move to my current place. While my time in my current place has been good, there are a few things that have happened recently that have made me want to move.
I understand that not everyone works on the same schedule and I try my best to be considerate of those who live around me. Living in a corner suite on the top floor with only one neighbor attached has enabled me to live relatively noise-free for the past couple of years. While there are some noisy people every now and again, for the most part people are adults and don't play their music at ear-bleeding levels at all hours of the day. Those that plan to alert their neighbors ahead of time by going to their doors and telling them and not just placing a post-it on their door and calling it 'asking for feedback'.
Look, I know you feel that it's your right to play your drums or piano as loud as you want during the day and on the weekends. I get that it's something you feel passionately about and I understand the creative process and how it might seem like a good idea to compose music at 2:30 am. The reality of it is, you live in a giant sound-conducting structure where everyone can hear you and no one likes it. Sticking a post-it note on your door or putting a sign up in the lobby telling people that you need to do this and asking for 'feedback' is both immature and delusional.
There is no place where this type of behaviour is acceptable. If you work in an office, you cannot play music loudly at your desk nor can you engage in intense conversations that disturb others. Same for school, the library, public transit, and just about everywhere. It astonishes me how people can walk into their homes and immediately feel as though they are immune from all social responsibility simply because they are in their own space.
Don't misunderstand me, I've had my share of knocks at the door and polite 'can you turn down your videogames/music/movies/stop yelling "Yahtzee!" because you aren't even playing that game, please' conversations with neighbors. Here's the thing though: I didn't need to be told multiple times or force my neighbors to call the cops because I refused to answer the door or turn my shit down. It's consideration and once you lose that, you've lost what it means to be able to coexist with others.
And that's why I am moving back to the building that I never should have left.
Some people have said that it seems as though I am moving backwards but I disagree. It's the same building yes, but it's a new apartment on a different floor with more room. It's a great opportunity to finally have the home office that we so desperately need.
So moving backwards? Nope. Moving forwards? Yes. A thousand times yes. And I cannot wait to get there and sit on the balcony and sip my coffee and be at peace.
Let me back up a bit. When I split from my ex-husband, I stayed with a friend in her apartment for about 6 weeks while I got my shit together. As I went about my daily routine, I noticed how relaxed I was, considering the situation I was in. I snagged an apartment in the same building and moved out of my friend's place and set about rebuilding my life.
During the next couple of years, a number of things happened that contributed to me deciding to move to my current place. While my time in my current place has been good, there are a few things that have happened recently that have made me want to move.
I understand that not everyone works on the same schedule and I try my best to be considerate of those who live around me. Living in a corner suite on the top floor with only one neighbor attached has enabled me to live relatively noise-free for the past couple of years. While there are some noisy people every now and again, for the most part people are adults and don't play their music at ear-bleeding levels at all hours of the day. Those that plan to alert their neighbors ahead of time by going to their doors and telling them and not just placing a post-it on their door and calling it 'asking for feedback'.
Look, I know you feel that it's your right to play your drums or piano as loud as you want during the day and on the weekends. I get that it's something you feel passionately about and I understand the creative process and how it might seem like a good idea to compose music at 2:30 am. The reality of it is, you live in a giant sound-conducting structure where everyone can hear you and no one likes it. Sticking a post-it note on your door or putting a sign up in the lobby telling people that you need to do this and asking for 'feedback' is both immature and delusional.
There is no place where this type of behaviour is acceptable. If you work in an office, you cannot play music loudly at your desk nor can you engage in intense conversations that disturb others. Same for school, the library, public transit, and just about everywhere. It astonishes me how people can walk into their homes and immediately feel as though they are immune from all social responsibility simply because they are in their own space.
Don't misunderstand me, I've had my share of knocks at the door and polite 'can you turn down your videogames/music/movies/stop yelling "Yahtzee!" because you aren't even playing that game, please' conversations with neighbors. Here's the thing though: I didn't need to be told multiple times or force my neighbors to call the cops because I refused to answer the door or turn my shit down. It's consideration and once you lose that, you've lost what it means to be able to coexist with others.
And that's why I am moving back to the building that I never should have left.
Some people have said that it seems as though I am moving backwards but I disagree. It's the same building yes, but it's a new apartment on a different floor with more room. It's a great opportunity to finally have the home office that we so desperately need.
So moving backwards? Nope. Moving forwards? Yes. A thousand times yes. And I cannot wait to get there and sit on the balcony and sip my coffee and be at peace.
7 Jan 2015
So Far, So Good
There seems to be a bit of shift in attitudes. People are becoming more aware of what they want and are starting to try and attain those things, if they are material in nature, or shifting their patterns of behaviour, if what is wanted is more personal.
For me, the shift has been a subtle one that infiltrates my thoughts and influences my moods in order to make change happen. Finishing my novel has had a huge impact on my psyche: I now know that I can write a book, a pretty good one at that, and that people will buy it. I feel as though I am finally beginning to do the things I've wanted to do. All because I just did it.
Those articles that tell you not to wait until you're ready because you will never be ready? They are all right. Imagine my surprise to discover that just by doing the thing that I shied away from because of not feeling prepared enough, I not only did it, I fucking crushed it.
Crushed. It.
Having gone through the process already, I know what to expect and won't freak out as much. I'm going to do more this year than ever before but I'm also going to remember that it isn't a race. Actions fueled with mindful thought is the key here.
Also, I have great hair. Terrible segue I know, but it had to be said.
See, this year isn't about how many books I can pump out. It isn't about whether or not I'm going to attain any magical heights or accomplish feats of startling magnificence. This year is about the act of doing.
Just fucking do it, guy.
Get up off your ass and DO IT.
You fuck it up? Oh well. DO IT AGAIN.
You keep fucking it up? TRY ANOTHER WAY.
You keep doing that fucking thing until you get it right or you realize that maybe it wasn't the right thing for you AT THIS TIME. It does not mean you failed; it means you failed at this moment. Leave it and go back later when you feel more focused: but do revisit it. You might find that the situation has changed in your absence and what used to be impossible is now completely attainable.
Unless it's an ex. Just leave that shit where it is and walk away from it.
Now get out there and do something.
For me, the shift has been a subtle one that infiltrates my thoughts and influences my moods in order to make change happen. Finishing my novel has had a huge impact on my psyche: I now know that I can write a book, a pretty good one at that, and that people will buy it. I feel as though I am finally beginning to do the things I've wanted to do. All because I just did it.
Those articles that tell you not to wait until you're ready because you will never be ready? They are all right. Imagine my surprise to discover that just by doing the thing that I shied away from because of not feeling prepared enough, I not only did it, I fucking crushed it.
Crushed. It.
Having gone through the process already, I know what to expect and won't freak out as much. I'm going to do more this year than ever before but I'm also going to remember that it isn't a race. Actions fueled with mindful thought is the key here.
Also, I have great hair. Terrible segue I know, but it had to be said.
See, this year isn't about how many books I can pump out. It isn't about whether or not I'm going to attain any magical heights or accomplish feats of startling magnificence. This year is about the act of doing.
Just fucking do it, guy.
Get up off your ass and DO IT.
You fuck it up? Oh well. DO IT AGAIN.
You keep fucking it up? TRY ANOTHER WAY.
You keep doing that fucking thing until you get it right or you realize that maybe it wasn't the right thing for you AT THIS TIME. It does not mean you failed; it means you failed at this moment. Leave it and go back later when you feel more focused: but do revisit it. You might find that the situation has changed in your absence and what used to be impossible is now completely attainable.
Unless it's an ex. Just leave that shit where it is and walk away from it.
Now get out there and do something.
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