24 Oct 2012

Transistions

I had a great idea for this post and started to write it, and then something else happened. The post turned into a rant, which turned into a self-pity piece and that's when I grew disgusted with myself and went for coffee. I am sitting here at a job that does not challenge me thinking up ways I can endure it without being an asshole. Apparently my default mode is extreme sarcasm with a side of cynicism.

During the whole process of trying to update this blog, I realized that I am supremely unhappy with a whole bunch of things. While my therapist and I are trying to unravel the densest part of my misery and examine the threads, I am not happy with just dealing with the depression that was the catalyst for the events of the past year. I feel as though I have lost an entire year of my life through the betrayal of my mind and I am angry.

I used to wear my anger proudly, like a suit of armour. As I grew older and wiser, I realized that I could express my anger in different ways that were constructive and didn't  hurt anyone.  Looking back, it seems as though it was easier to push people away although I know that isn't true. I am doing my best to walk through the pain to get to the other side, but some days are better than others.

Today I am choosing to deal with this instead of letting it happen to me. Today I am going to put my foot down and DO things instead of talking about them. 

Having said that, I really want a nap.