28 Jan 2008

Noah Failed Me

There was a massive flood in my apartment this weekend. Not an 'oops-there's-a-leak-somewhere-and-now-it's-pooling-under-the-kitchen-sink' flood, because that would be easily contained and cleaned up. This would have made Noah himself cringe.

Friday night my husband spied a small pool of water collecting just outside the kitchen, dangerously near our laptop all snuggled up in its case for the night. At first he thought maybe the dog had had an accident but we quickly figured out that that wasn't the case. Or rather I figured it out when I saw the huge amounts of water gushing from under our kitchen cabinets. Water that soon crept out of the kitchen and snaked its way through our livingroom, down the hallway towards the front door and our bedroom. I grabbed all the towels we own, which considering we just got married 3 months ago is a lot, and built a sort of dam at the kitchen doorway.

Our apartment is just like every other; vinyl tiles in kitchen, bathroom and entrance, wood parquet flooring throughout. Vinyl tiles in kitchen and entrance lifted almost immediately but strangely enough the parquet is fine. I credit my lightening-fast reflexes and awesome problem-solving skills for this. At least we weren't alone: we live on the fifth floor and up on seven a hot water pipe burst on our side of the building causing our flood. That means everyone from seven to ground all experienced various degrees of Noah's predicament. From what we've heard we were the least damaged because we were home and could begin mopping up immediately. I feel so bad for the poor bastard who came home at whatever time to find his whole apartment flooded.

Bad news is that we were without a kitchen for the weekend, as they had to cut through the wall over and under the kitchen sink to replace part of the piping. Good news is we are getting new ceramic tiling in both the kitchen (which includes and awesome backsplash) and the front entrance. And considering that this happened Friday night, everything was fixed and back in place by early afternoon Sunday. Those guys were awesome, and my husband wrote a letter to property management commending both their hard work and their speed. Downside for that though is that I'll have to move the fridge and stove out into the living room while they tile but I'm okay with that. Plus, I get to paint!

If you haven't already noticed, I'm in much better spirits. I credit the absurdity of the flood: we were fighting like we always do about something mundane and then catastrophe hits and we're too busy cleaning and mopping and moving things to continue fighting. Plus, there was enough beer in the fridge for us to celebrate our victory over the flood. Kind of like our version of the dove and olive branch. Now when it looks like there's going to be a fight my new tactic is to laugh it off. He doesn't like it too much because he says it makes him feel stupid and I just look at him, smile and continue laughing.

22 Jan 2008

The Waiting Game

On a whim, my mom (have I mentioned lately how much I love her?) suggested I contact a few public relations offices and put my resume forth. Often, she reasoned, there are plenty of jobs available but not posted because they prefer to spread the work around using the staff they already have. So, I picked five and sent off a new and improved version of my resume.

I have continued going on interviews and sending out my resume and all that sort of thing but I am beginning to feel a little bit down about the whole thing. My husband is loving this whole situation though. Now he gets to be in complete and total control over everything; finances, shopping, everything. I had to ask him for money the other day and he is still holding it over me. We're fighting a lot and it isn't getting easier to hold onto my temper. He just does not understand what I do all day, every day. I'm on the 'net, looking for jobs, sending out my resume, trying to get something to help with the bills so he'll stop complaining about how hard it is to make ends meet. Because clearly, I'm doing this on purpose. When I got sick in December right before my birthday, I was in so much pain that I had to quit. We spoke about it and he agreed that my health was more important than a job, but now all I hear from him is why didn't I try and stick it out a little longer? I told him that if money was that tight I'd go back to the strip club I used to tend bar at to make some extra cash. I think you can pretty much guess what his reaction was to that.

The problem here is that he complains no matter what I do. If I talk about getting a job to help with the bills he says no, you aren't well enough and then turns right back around and tells me how we don't have any money. It's a matter of pride with him. He obviously doesn't make enough to take care of us so I am eventually going to have to go back. I'm depressed, in pain and I feel as if everything I do just makes things worse. He told me the other day that he can't stand my cooking because it upsets his stomach. How do steamed veggies and broiled chicken upset anyone's stomach? Maybe because it isn't Kraft Dinner. I've stopped cooking because every time I do, he complains the next day about his stomach. I give up.

I heard back from one of the PR places I emailed and I went for an interview. As far as I know I have the job, we just have to discuss money. I've already told her what I want, and it will be a lot more than what hubby is making. I'll be able to pay off my debts and still have some to put aside for the inevitable. The job doesn't start until March, but hubby told me we'd be fine until then. Whatever. Just one more month of his shit and then it'll stop because I'll have my own money and I won't have to rely on him anymore. Last time I ever do this; believe somebody when they say they'll help me and take care of me and not to worry about money because it'll be alright. What a farce.

I'm not in a great place right now. I'm angry and can't communicate that to him because all he does is raise his voice and drown me out. Instead of trying to work with me, he's too busy cramming how much he does down my throat. He doesn't want to spend time with me outside of the house because he has to work when he gets home from work. 'Somebody has to bring in money.'

Really great. I love this. I'm having the time of my life right now just sitting and waiting for him to get home so he can tell about all the things I should have done but didn't. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. Maybe things will be different when I wake up.

9 Jan 2008

Looking Up, But Not in The Way You Think

I went to a job interview today, knowing full well that I would not get the position. I blame my mother for this weird trait of mine: I will purposely do something that I know won't work out just for the experience. Strange, isn't it? Anyway, so I went and the recruitment manager went through my resume with a fine tooth comb, pointing out the areas where I should beef it up and where I should expand on the work I did. After my incredibly informative session with this guy, I went to meet my mother for lunch. Because after I've been shot down and denied a job, I need my mommy.

Things have really changed for my mom and me these days. It's almost as if, now that I'm married she and I can relate in a whole different way. Not sure if I like that yet. I do enjoy bitching to her about the various things my husband does on a daily basis to piss me off, though so I guess there's something there. She listened to me complain about the fact that I don't have a job and that I need one and when I was through she asked me what 'The Plan' was. I blinked. I didn't have a 'Plan', I said. So we sat there at lunch and reviewed my options.

I left lunch with my mom feeling better than I have in the past few weeks. She put everything into perspective for me and didn't let me slip or slide out of owning up to my mistakes. Hindsight is always 20/20, but learning the lesson embedded within the sight is far more beneficial to me. I went home and posted my resume on a job site geared towards writing. That's what I do, I write, and sitting around waiting for someone to notice that I write isn't working so I'm going to have to go out and get it myself.

Trouble with hubby is that he hates his job. His hatred of his job translates into' everything-I-do-as-a-wife-sucks'. Which sucks. I have already told him repeatedly that I feel so useless because I haven't been able to work and he took that to mean that it was okay to transfer all his negativity to me. Apparently, according to him, I can take it. I've been married three months and I'm already thinking about divorcing him and going to live in a house full of cats. Seriously.

Money is, and always will be, the bane of married couples. We fight constantly about it; about what to do with it, where it's going, who contributes more (my personal favourite), etc and yet we can't seem to come to any conclusions other than there isn't enough of it. We need a bigger apartment but he doesn't want to move due to the cost. Nevermind that we live in a junior 1 bedroom (the one nestled right in between a bachelor and a regular 1 bedroom), nevermind that we have an enormous dog, nevermind that my library takes up most of three walls and part of the floor. I told him that if money was an issue, I would go back to bartending at the stripclub.

Eep. Not the correct thing to say to hubby. He told me when we got married that I was never to do that kind of work again. I keep saying that I could do it until we got back on our feet, but...Whatever. It paid most of our bills while I was working there, and I wasn't stripping I was serving .

I just want our marriage to be strong and right now with everything that's happening I don't feel very connected to him at all. I feel like since I'm at home that he feels i should be doing more around the house. What he fails to realize is that while I'm at home, I'm working on my book, sending out resumes, researching companies, doing stuff for my website, etc, etc, etc. I'm not pulling a Peg Bundy here and just sitting on my ass eating bon-bons.

This had better improve. My best friend is already starting to move things around in her place to make room for me.

8 Jan 2008

Still In a Funk

I need to focus on some positive stuff right now as I'm going through a bit of a down period in life. I realize that we all need times like this to reevaluate and get ourselves back on track but it sucks that it seems to happen to me a lot. Because I've been ill, I haven't been working which means my new husband is left holding the bag financially. It's putting a huge strain on our marriage, as he comes from work and I'm on the couch he looks around and sees little things out of place and laundry that should have been done and wonders aloud why it didn't magically get taken care of. Very frustrating for me. I'm trying hard not to complain but when hubby is mean to me because we aren't as affectionate as we used to be (before I got sick) it's very hard to stay positive.

I'm waiting for a call from my best friend who has agreed to go to the gym with me. First time in months, but I really need to get out and start doing things like this. I know it'll hurt but I want to go anyhow because I need to feel something other then the emptiness that's building in my heart.

3 Jan 2008

To Hell and Back Again

Let me first say that I will not try and bring you up to date on what's been happening. I don't have that good of a memory and to be honest, it will probably bore you to tears. Hell, I'm bored of it and it's my life! I've been sick, quit my job, made it through my first married Christmas and for all intents and purposes I seem to be relatively unscathed. Relatively.

I'm bored. Really and truly bored. My husband keeps telling me to start an e-store or redo my online resume but I just can't seem to get motivated. I suspect it might be out of spite. He has a wonderful new opportunity at his company, and I'm left sitting at home with a broken uterus and serious pain that doesn't always let me know when it's going to strike. I can't go too far from home in case I have an attack and need to lie down. 34 years old and I feel like I'm eighty. Fuck.

My husband broke my laptop, my wonderful ibook that has weathered many storms in the 6 or so years that I've owned it. It's in the shop and I have to use his laptop and I'm not happy about it. Even though it's newer and has a bigger screen and is faster. It's just not the same. Sigh.

I guess I'm in a funk. I feel useless because I can't contribute financially to the household and now it looks as though I won't be able to bear children. Failure, complete and utter failure. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not physically able to do much, and for someone as active as I am that really kills me. I can't go to the gym. I can't go for a walk. So now only do I feel terrible because I'm in pain, I also feel terrible because I've put on weight. Just can't catch a break on any front, can I?

I'm done whining for now. Going back to my funk.