Let's Talk, Shall We?

Today would have been my father's birthday if he hadn't taken his own life years ago. While I am no longer angry at him for denying me the possiblility of reconciliation, I am rather put off at the mess he left behind. The mess being me.

I have struggled with the possiblility that my father didn't like me very much both as a child and later as a young adult for most of my life. Now that this possibility has been confirmed to me in countless ways by various people, all that information really does is strengthen my resolve to be a better person. I spent many years wondering why he didn't like me only to find out that it due to my gender. The idea that if I had been born a male he might have accepted me just breaks my heart and at this point in my life I really don't need that kind of grief. I have a different way of looking at it.

I was a straight-A student in school because my father thought I was stupid. I went out of my way to show him that although I am a girl, I am his girl and was different. I didn't get into trouble like some of the girls in my school. I studied the television shows he watched, read the same books he did (when he wasn't looking because they were too 'old' for me), searching for a way to connect with him and was finally rewarded one evening with an invitation to sit with him and watch one of his favourite shows.

He is the main reason I am so stubborn. I went out of my way to show him that I am smart, talented, and worthy of his love. I am convinced that he loved me and just was not strong enough to show it. When he died and Iwent up to the house to begin taking care of things, I came across something that he had locked away in his strong box: a tiny glass bottle tied with a pink ribbon that contained my baby teeth. I held that bottle for hours, sobbing. I cried not only because he was gone, but because when I should have pushed him I didn't and I let our relationship go.

My father was a lot of things to a great many people. He taught me a great deal about a lot of different things; things that I didn't even know I had learned until I pulled the information out of my memory when I needed it. Perhaps he could have gone about things differently in terms of his treatment of me however the end result is something I know he would be proud of. How could he not be proud of me? I have his eyes, and they are fantastic.

Cake-y Goodness and some Skool

I just finished my lunch. I am reasonably content and full, yet my eyes keep straying to the piece of cake I brought with me. This piece of cake that was cut from a larger cake that a boy made for me. That's right. A whole cake made for me and I haven't shared it with anyone because it's that good.

Why am I talking about cake? Because work is so stressful right now that I need to switch off for a while and the only way I can do that is to talk about mundane things like cake. It's chocolate and decorated with peanut butter m&m's. He was going to put more candy on it but then realized that the candy would overwhelm the actual cake. Single tear.

School started this week and I have already managed to ostracize myself. I am taking a grammar course and when the prof asked the class how many of us are writers, I was the only one who raised their hand. Instant Keno. He focused on me for the remainder of the class, much to the disdain of a girl who was trying so hard to be the centre of attention.

Alright cake, you win. I will stop this now.

Hmmm....

One of the things I enjoy most about writing my blog is the reactions I get. Sometimes it takes a bit of time for other people's feelings to make their way to me, but they always do and I am always astounded at how people interpret my words. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, there will always be a group of people ready to spring into action and twist things around to suit whatever mood they happen to be in at that particular moment. I know this, and I accept it.

A few things have happened recently to make me think long and hard about what I'm doing. The choices I have made recently are turning out to be exactly what I need at this moment; from reconnecting with friends I thought were long-gone to meeting new people to starting school next week. I understand that my happiness at this moment stings others who are no longer as close to me as they once were, yet I am not disturbed by that. When I hear of others moving on and achieving success, my first thoughts are congratulatory, not bitter. I don't want the people around me to fail, I want them to succeed and do well at whatever they want to do and when they are happy, I want them to stay that was for a reasonable amount of time. Everything ebbs, everything flows and so it goes.

I realize that my language at times is confusing and, for those who don't know me, downright abrasive. Keep in mind that these are my feelings, and I am allowed to have them and express them even if they don't mirror yours. The fact that I am happy should be something for others to see and recognize and applaud, as it has been quite some time since this has happened. The fact that my happiness coincides with previous choices I made should not take away from the overall message that even someone as surly as me can be happy. You just have to be willing to work for it.