Interestingly Enough, It Doesn't Matter

This time last year, I was getting ready to be married. I was at my mother-in-law-to-be's house with my best friend and bridesmaid and we were nervously getting ready; putting on makeup, adjusting our newly done hair. We opened a bottle of wine and as we toasted I pretended that I knew what I was doing and they pretended they didn't notice. There was a moment though while my best friend was lacing me into my gown where our eyes met in the mirror. She stopped lacing and just looked at me and in that moment I knew that no matter what was going to happen with my marriage, my career, or anything that she would always be there for me.

A lot can happen in a year.

This year finds me mourning for things lost; both tangible and not. I need to mourn in order to move on and live life that way I want to. Today I am maudlin. Tomorrow will be better, and as the days speed up and move along I have no fear that they will find me in exactly the place I want to be. I may not know where that place is but it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am strong enough to allow myself to mourn and rebuild in order to ensure that the remainder of my life is worthwhile. I have a lot of things I need to do and I refuse to let old things trap me into leading a lifestyle I no longer wish to participate in.

Here's The Thing...

I have had many good things happen to me over the course of my life and each time they occur I wait anxiously for the preverbial other shoe to drop. This time is no exception. I am still haunting my email, constantly checking my voice mail and waiting for things to go horribly wrong because let's face it, that Murphy's Law. So far though, it appears as though I am wrong. Hmm. Let's explore that.

Being wrong is a funny thing. It takes immense courage to admit that you've made a mistake and to go back to the offended party(ies) to 'fess up. Most people simply walk away without a second thought of actually trying to resolve things and that's completely their choice. I heartily endorse doing things that are best for you and forgetting about the rest of the world because we are all selfish creatures who only want what's best for ourselves and cannot stand to see others get ahead, whether it be in business or love. The problem with this however is that sooner or later something will happen that will cause you to think again. Unfortunately, once that has occurred it's often too late.

Being able to sit down and openly communicate with others is a task that I am not good at but have tried very hard to change. I recognize when I need time to regroup and completely understand when others ask the same of me. I respect their decision to keep their distance, although that is difficult when you share the same roof. What is confusing however is when they don't come back to discuss things and just leave me hanging and waiting.

I realize that people are busy. One of the things that has been hammered into me repeatedly by different people though is the respect one must show to their peers in terms of time. I cannot expect someone to wait for me if I am running late and don't tell them. It is disrespectful, no matter what my personal feelings for that person are, to expect people to wait for me when I have not communicated my timeline to them. If I let them know that I will be late, then it is up to that person to decide how long they will choose to wait for me. I am in no position to dictate to them how long they should wait, and cannot justifiably be angry if they don't.

All of this should be common sense but the funny thing about that is that it isn't all that common. I am currently engaged in a serious misunderstanding that I do not think will be resolved despite my desire to rectify it. I have offered an olive branch and have been denied, and out of respect I have kept my distance. How long do I wait?

And Now I Feel Better

Today I decided to do a bit of sleuthing to try and figure out a couple of things and discovered something that has made me feel better about where I am in this world. No more am I going to whine and bitch and moan about how hard it is to get ahead and how difficult it is to get people to notice me. Not after this.

I go through periods where I feel as though the entire world is against me. That's not a huge revelation. What is a huge revelation is what I have just realized after doing a bit of digging. I cannot believe it took me this long when it was right in front of me the whole time...

Too bad I can't tell you what it is.

Wearing a Fedora Like JT Makes You Less Creepy

You know when you're on the subway and you're tired everything seems to be a bit surreal? Things happen on the subway all the time and usually I just brush them off and go about my business. Last night though, on my way home from work, something really odd happened and at first I thought I had dreamed it. It wasn't until I checked my purse and found tangible proof that I realized it had happened. Then I burst out laughing all over again.

I got off the subway at my usual stop and was walking towards the stairs when I noticed a well-dressed young man in a fedora walking towards me. I noticed him because he reminded me of Justin Timberlake; tall and lanky, looked like a great dancer, that kind of guy. Plus, the fedora. Anyway, he's walking towards me and as I pass him, he tips his hat to me. I was surprised, but kind of touched as he did that. A true gentleman will tip his hat when he passes a lady, and clearly this guy has seen some movies...or something. I nod back and continue on my way. I thought that was the end of it until I heard a voice behind me call out, " Excuse me, miss."

I kept walking as I was not interested in having any kind of conversation with some strange guy who should have creeped me out but didn't because of his resemblence to JT. He came up behind me and touched me on the shoulder. I turned around, getting a bit annoyed, and just looked at him. He then launched into a soliloquy about how beautiful I am, how elegantly dressed I am and then drops an unexpected bomb on me. He said that he would be honored if I would allow him to be my lover.

I am not kidding. He said those words to me. Stunned, I shook my head and told him that although I was very flattered, I was married and that would not be possible. He frowned a bit, then said that being married wasn't a problem and that it didn't matter. I replied that it mattered to me, and turned to go. As I did, he pressed his card into my hand. I looked down at it and as I walked away he said that if I ever changed my mind I could contact him. Sure enough on the front of the card was his complete contact information. I was about halfway up the stairs when I heard him call after me to flip the card over. I did, and burst out laughing. I spun around and as he was still at the bottom of the stairs, called down to him that he must be good if he's certified.

The back of his card read that he is a certified graduate of a sexual guru program.

The biggest issue surrounding this is why was it okay for him to approach me when clearly he was after the same thing that most men are after when they try and talk to you in the subway? For me, it was the fact that he was polite and had manners. Most guys don't understand that when you deal with women, especially women you don't know, the best thing to do is to be polite and know when to make your exit. This guy spoke to me, made his point, bantered and then let me go about my business. That's how you do it.

Oh, and get a fedora.

So Very Tired

This weekend was hands-down one of the toughest ever. I was to go to my mother's, like I always have almost every Thanksgiving since I left home, but at the last minute she cancelled it. Why? Because my step-father claimed she hadn't 'asked permission'.

I already do not understand relationships to begin with, and to see things like that happen between two people who claim to love each other just baffles me further. I understand that we each have our own path that we must tread and only we can take responsibility for what we do but I didn't have Thanksgiving dinner with my mother. For the first time in about 10 years, I was not there because he does not like me and goes out of his way to make sure that I do not feel welcome or loved by him. I know he isn't my father and that there is no conceivable reason for me to want to be loved by this man, but he is the only father I have known. The only father I have had in my life and he hates me.  Why do I keep trying so hard?

I'll tell you why. I have abandonment issues surrounding people who are close to me. I have tried very hard to put my faith in those who say that they love me and will always stick by me. I also try very hard to remember that when they do not stick by me, it's because they are dealing with their own issues and need time to do so. Sometimes that works, other times I feel as though everyone is out to get me.

I have a lot more faith and trust in people than I used to, despite all the bullshit people put me through. I chalk that up to their own weakness, and nothing that I have done. It's far easier to walk away from something than to turn and face it. I am upset that I missed seeing my mother this weekend, but I understand that she could not open her doors to me while he is being difficult. That does not stop the fact that I am sad and angry and want very much to phone my step-father and tell him what a douche he is; not only for treating my mother like that but also for denying me my mother's presence on a very important day.

Guess I have to try a bit harder to understand my mother's reasons for complying.