19 Mar 2013

Weird Stuff...I Guess?!

The weirdest thing has happened. I say 'weirdest' because quite frankly, I don't know how else to process it. Maybe I should have used a thesaurus but I was lazy and went with weirdest. Whatever.

I never thought of myself as drinking more than the average person. Sure, there were/are times when I over-indulge(d) but for the most part I am a responsible drinker. Part of that stems from watching my father get drunk and nasty when I was a kid: I saw that and vowed to not be that person. The other part is the headache the next day. I don't like that, and I don't like feeling as if I swallowed a pile of donkey shit.

When my husband and I went to the Bahamas last week, I became quite ill with heatstroke. Luckily it was the last day so I didn't miss anything. We had gone to an all-inclusive resort and was very impressed with the food and service. Because it was an all-inclusive, drinks were on the house. There was a temptation to get shit-faced but I didn't. I wanted to enjoy my trip.

And that's the point where I grew up.

I still had cocktails, just not a bunch. I found that after a few days of reduced drinking, and I am aware of how that makes me sound, I felt better. Once home, I continued the new behaviour and I have found that my medication is actually working. Weird, right? Medication that clearly states you should not drink actually works when you don't drink. Wow. I sleep better, eat better, and react to  people and situations better. Who knew?

I feel amazing. I feel lighter in the brain and more focused on what I want rather than reacting to what I have. I have not felt this good since being diagnosed with severe depression a few years ago.

Time for a celebratory pint. 

15 Mar 2013

So Long, And Thanks For All the Fish

That's what I imagined my hair was saying when I chopped it off last week. I sat in the chair, wincing with every snip of the scissors, knowing that I would probably regret it once it was done. 

How wrong I was.

I have had short hair for a good part of my adult life. For the past two years, I have been growing my hair simply because my husband asked me to. He had never seen me with hair longer than my jawline, so I shrugged and said sure. I enjoyed having long hair right up until I no longer knew what to do with it.

I thought that I would magically be able to do all sorts of cool styles. That's what Pinterest told me, anyway. And then I realized that Pinterest is a filthy, dirty liar. All those 'how-to' guides are not meant for normal people to replicate. They are meant to be printed out and taken to a professional.

Once I made up my mind, there was no stopping me. I made the appointment, went during work hours, and came back a million times lighter. I went through a roller coaster ride of varying emotions: anger, pain, despair, doubt. I felt stupid for putting so much energy into something so trivial. Then I remembered.

Nothing is trivial.

This was, and is, something that has always been very important to me. I take pride in my appearance and am a huge fan of my hair, no matter what colour it happens to be at the moment. I was making a gigantic change both physically and, as I discovered later, emotionally.

Since my depression, I have struggled with a variety of negative thoughts and feelings. Trying to 'fix' myself has dwindled to trying to 'make do' with myself. After cutting my hair, I realized that it was more than that: it was a symbolic gesture. It wasn't just a haircut; I cut off the pain and anguish I'd felt during the past two years of my life and started over. My husband, who has been an absolute rock throughout all of it, loves my new short hair and thinks I look better with it. I agree.

Perhaps it's vanity, but if it makes me feel better in the brain-area, I am all for it. I feel like I have turned a massive corner and I am actually excited about things again. 

All that from a 'simple' haircut. 

14 Mar 2013

Y'all Ready for This?

I have been doing a lot of reading on happiness and wellness and I am slowly starting to learn that not everyone is out to get me. Most are, but not every single person is. Big difference there.

Having spent much of my life looking back with regret, anger, and resentment, it's somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone. Lots of people have difficulty letting go of things: whether it's situations or people, there is always a grieving period. I've realized that I have not taken responsibility for fucking up personal relationships, nor have I placed blame on others who have caused me harm. 

My absolute truth? I have done some horrible things to people that did not deserve it. In admitting that, I step towards self-forgiveness. I cannot ask them for their pardon, and that is all right. I can no longer look back, or else I am lost. I can only move forward and hope that when faced with similar situations, I can make different choices.

Another truth? I have also done horrible things to those who DID deserve it, and although I should not play (insert deity preference here), I absolutely did and I have no regrets. Of course, it doesn't erase the other stuff and nor should it. We all should take responsibility for our actions, no matter what.

My difficulty right now is self-care. I still have issues surrounding trust and am still paranoid of lots of things. I am taking small, simple steps to try and break out of that. One of my favourite ways is the Stop, Drop and Roll method. 

Here's how it works. Say you have an unpleasant thought: could be anything from dissing someone's outfit to outright self-loathing. As soon as you are conscious of the negativity, STOP THINKING. Tricky to do when you are in the throes of self-shaming, but still. Stop thinking the thought. Then, DROP the thought by switching to something mundane like ice cream. Whatever. As long as the negative thought stays out of your mind. Then, ROLL a new thought out: could be anything, I usually choose something comic book related but that's me. 

I am learning how to deal with things and the more I read, the more I realize how much there is to learn. Lucky for me I enjoy the learning process!

I am happier, better adjusted, and willing to change. That is more than I can say for a lot of people out there... namely the ones who still wallow in their own pools of self-pity. Why wait for things to happen? Get out there and make shit happen or before you know it, you're on your deathbed thinking, 'Fuck. Why didn't I sky-dive?'

Today is the day. What will YOU do with it?