Really? You Actually Believe That?

I am able to do something very strange and weird. It's called 'have a conversation and not necessarily have to make sure the other person agrees with me at all times'. Because I lack the gene responsible for making sure everyone around me agrees with me 100%, I don't usually get into conversations with people simply because of the level of frustration I experience.

While at work, I overheard a snippet of conversation and before I even opened my mouth I knew this would only end in tears. One of my co-workers was having difficulty with her email. For some reason, it wasn't loading and instead of doing the normal troubleshooting suggestion (restart), she decided to fly into the IT guy's office and yell at him. Because clearly, it's his fault. To his credit, he sat there and took the stream of verbal abuse and when it was done, he asked her if she had restarted her computer. That set her off even more, as essentially she feels she shouldn't have to restart; her email should just magically boot up all the time no matter how old and outdated our system is.

She came into my office afterwards, just to bitch and complain. After she vented, I asked her if she knew how old the system was. She didn't and when I told her, her response was, 'So what? It's not my problem the owners can't put more money into upgrading. How are we supposed to do our jobs when we don't have the correct tools?'

Good point. I agreed and said that despite that fact, I thought her anger was misdirected and that if she felt that strongly she should take it up with the boss and not the IT guy. He does the best he can with what he has.

You know when you point out something to someone and you think that they understand because they nod their head and move away without saying anything but then it turns out later that they actually disagree with what you said but didn't want to say because then that would cause a CONFLICT and everyone knows that CONFLICTS cannot be resolved by talking.

I found out a little later on purely by accident that she didn't agree. I walked into her area and she was trashing me to my co-workers. I waited until she was finished and then cleared my throat. When she turned around, I said to her that if she didn't agree with me that was fine but that I would have respected her a lot more had she just told me then. I waited to give her an opportunity to say something and when she didn't, I said that she was probably so quiet right now because her mouth only works when the person she should be talking to is not in the room.

Looking back, I probably should not have said that; however, I am really tired of the amount of backstabbing there is in my office. What do you expect from a group of women though? Solidarity? Friendship? Hell, no. These bitches are all out for one thing: making others look bad so they look good because they cannot do their jobs. Although we are all supposed to be supporting one another, that simply does not happen. It's another case of women being competitive in a situation that does not merit that type of suspicion.

I don't know how many times I have said that I have no desire to repeat the high school experience in my professional life. Unfortunately because I work in an office I am at the mercy of other people. I either need a serious vacation or a change of employment. I realize that similar situations will arise no matter where I work but honestly there has to be something better than this. I am tired of back-stabbing bullshit.

My Aching Head

Part of the trouble is that I think too much. I am constantly over-analyzing and comparing, cross-checking and extracting. Why all the fuss? Girls. I just don't understand girls.

At the risk of sounding like a teenage boy lamenting to his friends about the lack of action from his girlfriend, let me explain. Last night I was privileged to spend a few hours with a woman I don't really know very well. On a whim, I invited her over for dinner and few other friends over for movies and cocktails afterwards. She and I talked about the various things we'd each been through and seen; a sort of comparison of our accumulated scars, so to speak. There were startling similarities between our two lives which I found quite interesting. Even though we had had vastly different upbringings, attended completely opposite schools and made choices based on those two things, we had also had similar experiences with girls. As in, they suck and should be sterilized at birth. And by sterilizing I mean mouths sewn shut so they can't spew their trash-talk.

If I look hard enough and drink enough red bull and espresso, I could probably tie every major upheaval in my life back to a girl. I know for a fact that my last major emotional breakdown was directly tied to the actions of a girl. (Why am I using 'girl' when I should be using 'woman'? Because these females are not mature enough to warrant the correct term. They are still locked in grade 10, fighting to hold onto their tenuous position as 'best-looking girl in the school' or 'weirdest chick in grade 11' or whatever they think they had back then. Even though school ended many years ago, these people cannot seem to let go of certain things and accept that the world moves forward, not sideways, and pretty soon they will be in their twilight years and wonder where the time went.) Sounds crazy I know, but it's true. I know of a few others in my situation who feel the same way. People who latch onto things you are passionate about and then run with it when they see how much attention they get. It's the same shit all over again.

In my case, I was betrayed by someone who is not even on my radar anymore. Am I upset still? Hell yes. What she did to me was terrible and if I had my way I would beat the shit out of her, nurse her back to health, then beat the shit out of her again. The things she did are not easily forgotten nor are they in the realm of things a person can do to me that I can forgive. Because I am a woman and not a girl, I realize that she has her own situation that she is dealing with. She is inside her own misery that she made for herself and nothing I could ever do to her could be worse. So, I leave her to it.

Talking with other women, I am realizing more and more that girls grew up as I did: bullied by the 'pretty girls' and made to feel like a piece of shit because we read comics instead of Sweet Valley High books. It's a small group, granted, and I think that's because women are taught at an early age to try and fit in no matter the cost to their souls. Now that I am older and better positioned to defend myself, I find that the game has changed. I understand that this was bound to happen; no one can stay stagnant for too long because society pulls you along, kicking and screaming, regardless of where you want to be. I accept the truth that sometimes people just suck and I can't take it personally but I just can't figure out why girls want to hurt me so much.

Pain is part of life. I get that. What I don't get is the amount of 'we-are-all-sisters' bullshit that women throw around and then in the next breath they are fucking their best friend's husband behind her back. What exactly is that anyway? What does that show about our supposed female-solidarity?

I'l tell you what it means. It means that every woman is on her own until she can find like-minded others to surround her. That process can take years and the worst part is that even after years of being friends with someone, they can still turn on you quick as an asp. You just never know. And that, not global-warming, not food shortages, that specific truth fills me with despair every time I contemplate it. Not because of the amount of pain that it holds for me personally, but because of the fact that I can trust no woman ever again with anything close to my heart. This is the time of my life where I am supposed to have this all figured out; I am supposed to have a close circle of girlfriends that I can count on and while there are a couple of women that I hold dear, I am still wary. And that fucking sucks.

Deal of a Lifetime

I have just made the biggest deal of my life with the most important person in my life. . . myself. Yes, I realize how incredibly narcissistic this is and for now I am embracing it. You see, I have spent far too much time taking care of the people around me and not enough time taking care of myself. I have spent a couple of months cutting back on the amount of time spent on others and have rediscovered certain things about myself. In the process, I have lost almost 20 pounds, am sleeping better, and can run 5 miles again. (That's approximately 8 k for those who care. Not even close to what I was running before; however, a very good start.)

In the past few months I have had serious bouts of self-doubt to the point where I nearly quit my job. It's become more bearable since I decided to do things for myself and let others fend off their own demons. Not saying I am not there for my friends; I am just not fixing things for them anymore. It's one thing to have a chat with someone and listen to their worries and quite another to have the burden of making things work out for them placed squarely on your shoulders. I am not saying that I had no other option but to take on this role. What I am saying is that now I understand that it's not my place to fix things for other people. I am responsible for my own life and my own choices and I need to let other people make their mistakes as they will.

That sounds really grown-up, doesn't it? It's very hard for me to sit back and watch while others flounder. I want nothing more than to step up and take over and make things a-okay but I can't. I have responsibilities to myself that include going to the gym and writing in my spare time. I can make time for the gym but I am still having a hard time figuring out where I can squeeze in a few extra hours for writing. Maybe I will need to get up early? Maybe take my laptop to work and write over my lunch hour? I don't know when it will happen but I do know that eventually it will happen.

Right??