Sunday Night Musings: The Musical

This weekend has been really good for me both mentally and spiritually. I have discovered a few things about myself that potentially could set me on the right path. I know that I have made some questionable decisions recently that have yielded less that desirable results and I have figured out why. The details are not important: what is important is that I have been given some valuable information that I intend to use.

In addition to the amount of thinking I have been able to do, I have been cleaning: both my personal space and my mind. My apartment is sparkling, my dishes are done and my laundry is folded up and put away. Metaphor? Hmm. I think so. Good one though, isn't it?

I posted earlier that I was afraid of being alone. That is still true to a point; I do enjoy having people around me even if they aren't good for me. I have always felt that being with the wrong person is better than being alone. I am in no way suggesting that the boy was the wrong one; these are my problems and they are not caused by him in any way. My fear of being alone stems from insecurity: if I am alone that must mean people don't like me. 

In order to make sure people like me, I would do things to keep them around, sometimes to my detriment. Feigning an interest in race cars just to hold a man's interest is no way to live, and I see that now. Keeping who I am locked away so that others won't find me weird has been difficult, and when I let that mask slip people don't know what to do because I no longer fit into the mold that society has built for me. I am learning that while I am intimidating to a lot of people, and I am intimidating when my mask falls away, there are always people around who welcome my wit and humor no matter how elevated it is. Those people are the ones that I need to focus on, not the fluff that I have mistakenly thought I needed to impress. With that comes such a feeling of lightness and freedom, I can take a deep breath and have the air fill my lungs completely instead of just sipping the oxygen like I used to. I should never have tried to be something that I am not and after all these years I can let all that shit just melt away. I don't need it anymore and I am letting it go. 

Having the interests that I do has made me a bit of a target. Because I am not interested in clothes or who's dating who in Hollywood, a lot of my peers don't know how to relate to me. My best friend and I were talking about this today. We both face this sort of thing wherever we go: people find out we like comics and action figures and video games and their eyes glaze over. We don't respond in the way those people are conditioned to expect in social situations. Again, I have tried to repress that simply to 'fit in' and attempt to get along. I used to avoid certain situations because of the amount of stress I would go through; stress that I was unequipped to handle. Because of my awkwardness and inability to talk 'like a girl', ie: discuss fashion and Hollywood heartthrobs, I would find myself sitting or standing by myself which is not very fun at all. These days I have a new approach: Let the Wookie win.

If you don't get that, please stop reading my blog. You clearly don't belong here.

 

It Makes So Much More Sense Now

I have been made aware that some of my posts sound as though the boy has been preventing me from doing things I love and that isn't true. The culprit has been me. For whatever reason, I have been neglecting myself and the decision to do so has always been mine to make. I know that this might sound as though I've pulled out my soapbox but this is my blog and I will say whatever the hell I want. I just wanted to set that straight. Now, if feelings get hurt through my facebook postings or subsequent blog entries, I have this to fall back on. Everyone happy?

See, and now that sounds bitchy. All I wanted to do was say that the boy didn't prevent me from doing anything I ever wanted to do. Period. I'm moving on now before I say something else stupid and have to explain that.

I have made a startling discovery (nice segue, wouldn't you agree?). There is something wrong with my apartment. I didn't notice at first because I was so excited to be there but the first set of clues was the fact that no plants will grow either inside the apartment or outside on the patio. That's right, outside on the patio where the sun shines is a dead plant zone. Weird hmm? It gets better. When I first brought Oscar home he was fairly docile. He would lay around, even he's only 3 and supposed to be more active, and whenever he nibbled on the plants he'd throw up. Thinking I knew what the problem was, I moved the plants out of his way. He continued to throw up and then the plants died. He has since stopped throwing up but now soemthing else is happening: he's become increasingly more active at night, and that's not a good thing.

He's panicking during the night. He wakes up, comes to me and wakes me up which pisses me off because he doesn't stop until I get up no matter what time it is. I get angry, and he grows more panicked and more desperate to get me up. It's a vicious cycle and I think the only reason I see it now is because I allowed my mind to wander this morning as I walked to work without my earphones on. The energy in the house is wrong. There's no balance; and the only reason I know that is from a conversation I had with my brother last night. I have to correct the energy flow in the house while I decide where to move to.

The decision to move originally came from not wanting to pay as much in rent as what I am, but has now become a health issue. If I cannot fix the energy in this place, I will have no option but to move which may not be a bad idea. After all, I would rather take a smaller place in a different area that I can work with and pay less rent for. I am planning to move out by October but we'll see what really happens. It might be sooner depending on what I find and how fast I can pack and arrange things with the boy for his stuff.

In retrospect I suppose I should have told him this first before blogging about it. Damn. Another screw up.

New Roads to Travel

What I love most about being a writer is that my work appeals to different people at different times. Normally when I write there's a point to it and a paycheque attached. The rare times when I get to do my own things and still get paid are wonderful; I express myself in my own way and someone buys it from me. I just recently started writing for a website that I am a huge fan of: Dork Shelf. These guys are totally in tune with their inner geek and their site shows that. I will be contributing every other week and will mainly talk about toys but I have the option of writing about anything that tweaks my geek.

I have a massive headache today and cannot really think straight. I am going to see my brothers today and have a long drive ahead of me. I will go on and on about how great I am another time so just sit tight. I'll be back when my head feels better. 

Ebb and Flow

I am beginning to slip into a funk. I realize that things don't always go the way you think they should and that sometimes what you think you really wanted was only just a stepping stone to the big payoff. I am struggling with something that I thought that I had dealt with already but clearly haven't: loneliness. I am lonely.

Not lonely in the sense that I sit around and mope all day. I don't really have time for that. I am lonely in the sense that I have spent so much of my time focused on other people that now that I have my space and the potential to live my life the way I have always wanted, I am a little lost. I am not really sure how to go about doing this. I come home from work and my cat is the only one who greets me. I make him dinner, then I make my dinner, I watch some tv and I go to bed. I feel like this is what I need to be doing but I feel like I should be doing something different. 

Don't get me wrong, I am loving being alone. I like coming home to Oscar. I guess I am the type of person who isn't ever alone for too long and I know why. While I am enjoying the peace and serenity of my own place, I still enjoy having a special someone in my life. Right now I am struggling to stay alone: trying to resist calling the boy and asking him to come home because I know that is not what I need. I need to be alone. I need to do my own thing and give myself permission to watch terrible movies at 4am if I want to. I have to do this by myself for myself. And I'm terrified.

What I Have Learned

During the course of my adulthood, I have come up against many things that I believe would have felled any other person. Not to say that I am super-human, because I am not. I am simply a woman who has an innate understanding of the way I work and how that relates to the rest of my surroundings. Do I sound cocky and egotistical? Hmm. Perhaps I am being a bit too over the top with that last statement however I think it's true. Those who know me know what I have endured throughout my life and while I am not handing out invitations to a pity party, I am going to bring a couple of things to light. 

In a week and a half I will be divorced for the second time. That's twice I have chosen a mate and been wrong. Twice I have pledged my heart, my soul and my love to someone who has proven to be less than worthy of such gifts. My first marriage occurred when I was very young and did not know the difference between love and obsession. We parted ways soon after  we married as I found him in a compromising position with another woman. At that point of my life, there was no forgiveness in my heart for acts like that and so I chose a path without him. Many years later I decided that I had found the person with whom I could live out the rest of my days and be happy. That too turned out be false and in the process not only did I lose my husband but I also lost another relationship that was very dear to me.

What idea has more power over us than the idea of love? People say they love each other all the time but what are they really saying? If you were to ask for a definition, you would probably be met with a blank stare. My idea of love is an unfortunate one; unfortunate because I don't feel it is something that can be attained. What I want is so complicated and abstract and ever-changing, I don't think anyone would be able to give that to me. Not to say I won't try, I am just unsure of how far to go after realizing the futility of it all.

Ah, crap. I'm becoming all emo and maudlin. I'm just saddened by the culmination of everything that has gone wrong in the past year and the realization that people are jerks and would do pretty much anything for money. I know about people's prices and how flexible they become when pressed to the limits of their resources, but sometimes I just shake my head and wonder how they sleep at night carrying the knowledge of what they've done within them. Maybe it's just me; maybe I am one of the few truly good people left. I can say with absolute certainty that the events of the past few months would have not occurred if certain positions had been reversed. 

Although I am sad and angry and hurt and feel like I've been made to look the fool, it hasn't been all bad. Divorce #2 has had its good moments: it has brought quite a few things to light that I might have otherwise missed. I know a lot more about the people around me and how they truly feel about me because of this. Most of it is negative, and even that is good to know because now it all makes sense to me. All of the confusion and hesitation I have been feeling is gone. 

I have been handed a new chance and believe me, I intend to take it. Don't misunderstand me though, I am not bitter about any of this. In fact, I am relieved and in time I am going to be happy. I choose who enters my life momentarily and who stays. Now that all the pieces have fallen into place, I can make these decisions with precision and accuracy. Am I discounting love? Nope. But I am going to be much more careful from now on. 

The Only Thing Constant is Change

There have been a myriad of things happen during the last little while that have caused my spirit to begin to murmur; softly at first, but as I continued to ignore the scratching at the base of my brain it grew louder and more insistent until finally I could hear what it was saying. It isn't that I am particularily unhappy with my life: I have a good job, wonderful friends and a great place to live with my boy, however sometimes there is something missing. In this case what has been missing is me.

The boy and I have decided to take a break. We both agreed that we moved into this too fast, both of us having finished with previous relationships and spending a lot of time together in the aftermath. In my own defense, although I knew I shouldn't be dating so soon after my last relationship ended I thought that this would be what I needed precisely because he knows me so well. Who else should I end up with than someone who has been by my side through thick and thin? It was a fantastic idea that we were both unprepared for.

It doesn't matter who said what or who hurt whom. We have both made our share of mistakes and although we love each very much, the timing for this is not good. I am finishing up with a grueling situation that has only now begun to get resolved, and now I need the time I should have taken a year ago. It wasn't anything he did or said that pushed me over the edge; it was a combination of this situation and my own needs that I have been ignoring for too long. I realize that my timing probably couldn't have been worse, with him in a play and his birthday right around the corner, however these things cannot be planned out around personal schedules. I understand his anger/frustration with me asking him to find alternate accomodations as soon as possible. I get that he doesn't want to go and would rather try and work through it together. The challenge with that approach is that it does not leave room for what is truly needed by both of us: time away from each other to get our shit together.

To be honest, harsh words have been said. Feelings have been hurt. All this will heal in time and even though I know how much shit I am going to have to endure because of this decision, I need to focus on myself and do what I should have done a year ago. It absolutely tears me apart to know that I am hurting him, however I need to do this. I suppose a small part of me dreads the gossip that will ultimately arise from this; I have already encountered some backlash from what we've decided to do and I am expecting more. There are 3 sides to every story and I will not delude myself into thinking that I will get a chance to explain myself to those who are close to him. Does that matter? No, because those who know me, regardless of the connection, know that I always put other people ahead of myself. I take care of others before tending to my own needs. Do I care that people are going to have a field day with the fact that yet another relationship of mine has failed? Yes, but only insofar as the fact that I will not get the opportunity to present my side and it is all too easy to lay the blame on the person who isn't there to respond.

I have no control over other people and what they do or think. I have to focus on myself and get what I need done so that I can be happy with myself and the rest will follow. This includes doing what I need to in order to protect myself. I cannot make anyone happy until I am happy and let's face it, despite all the good things I have I am not as happy as I should be. It isn't that I am building my defenses up; quite the opposite. I have never been more open with others as I am right now. The key element that has been missing up until now is the courage to take whatever steps I need to in order to secure my happiness. As painful as this particular change is, I firmly believe that I am doing the right thing for myself. Anyone who can't see that does not need to be in my life.