Guess What? I'm Still Hot.

I recently discovered something that made me both love and hate myself. I have spent so much time trying not to be angry about things that are beyond my control simply because there is not point. I thought I was doing very well at controlling my anger. I thought that my new-found calm was something I could count on.

Nope.

I am still angry. I am still simmering, still just holding it back, still just tempering the fury every day. Is there a reason? Most likely. For the most part though, I don't really want to find out. I'll be even more angry to discover that this whole time I've been angry over something I should have let go of years ago.

Which is precisely the root of my anger.

Goddammit.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just take a deep breath and 'let go of the negativity'? Because I believe in fairness, and life is not fair.

And that sucks.

I try very hard to do the right thing and treat people correctly and fairly and I feel like there are times when I am targeted because of that. People have taken advantage of me in the past and continue to try and do so. I have managed to cut most of those types of people out of my life, but every now and again they sneak back in. And then I get angry with them for doing it and myself for allowing it to happen again.

I am just tired of it. The solution has not made itself known to me yet and I will continue to be angry until it does. 

Hello Tuesday

Imagine going through a week of being completely and totally honest with everyone you came in contact with. Seriously; close your eyes and imagine scenarios and situations where you would be able to be sincere in your honesty. Watch as the people you are in contact with first look at you in disbelief at what you've said, then watch that disbelief turn to anger when they understand what you've said. 

No one wants to hear the truth from you or anyone else. They are completely content to go through their lives with blinders on completely oblivious to anything outside their immediate scope of perception. Read: if it don't concern 'em, they ain't concerned.

I just made that up. I think. Anyway.

That's scary shit right there.

I can count the number of times I felt able to be completely honest with someone other than my husband on one hand and a have a finger or two left over. Not because I've lied to them; rather, the situation called for something more delicate than brutal honesty. Perhaps if I'd been more honest I might have been able to salvage a friendship or two along the way. Perhaps. Those things will usually happen regardless of how much effort is put into them and I suspect those friendships would have collapsed anyhow.

I have always tried my best to be a strong person and to be the one who tells it like it is without being nasty about it. Lately though, I have discovered a certain freedom in being absent from those instances that would require that kind of performance from me. I have encouraged others to rely less on me and more on themselves and their partners, to be more blunt. And I really like how it's turning out.

Let's face it, I am probably not the best person to be doling out advice. I am in a steady stream of constantly making mistakes and figuring out how to fix them without anyone noticing. People like me should be studied. 

(insert witty ending paragraph here... maybe. If I can think of one. If not, just leave in and confuse people)

Turning a Negative Into a Positive

I have been working on a project that has pretty much taken over my life. Last week, I was able to finally finish it off only to be told on Monday that it wasn't good enough and had to be re-done.

I am trying to remain calm and positive but the reality of it is that I feel as though everyone involved, except my boss, pretty much sat back and watched me do this without offering any sort of assistance just so they could tell me I did it wrong. I know that isn't what happened and that I am most likely taking it personally (a huge no-no) but it's upsetting to me on a variety of different levels.

At the planning stage, long before any actions were taken, decision were made by the client with regards to the project. I had zero opportunity to input my opinions; I just showed up at the meetings and made sure that the information they were referencing was accurate. When all the decisions were made, nobody stepped up to implement the project. My boss and I shrugged and did our best to make it all happen.

And that's where we went wrong.

We should have pushed back and insisted that the appropriate people (cough, marketing, cough) take charge in implementing the project. In not doing so, we opened ourselves up to criticism and allowed ourselves to be made into scapegoats.

The lesson I learned from this? Push back when you don't feel comfortable being handed a project you have zero experience in handling. I should have offered my assistance and not allowed myself to be made the person responsible for the entire thing.

Having said that, I am totally dyeing my hair tonight. What does that have to do with the rest of my post? Absolutely nothing. I just wanted to get it out there.