21 Aug 2014

Forgiveness is not a dirty word

At least, it isn't anymore.

I have struggled with forgiveness for the majority of my life. I equated forgiveness with weakness, something my father instilled in me at a very early age. He maintained that if you forgave someone, you were giving in and showing that person that you could be walked over.

As a result of that belief, I let a number of relationships either slip away or burn to a fiery crisp. Anger, hate, pain, and suffering were the results of not seeing past the error and offering forgiveness. I wanted to, but my fear of rejection and my father's words were both too strong and I wasn't able to do it.

I decided I didn't want to do that anymore and set out on a personal journey to find a way to forgive those who have hurt me. I also wanted to find a way to forgive myself for the plethora of mistakes I have made due to my lack of openness.

I worked through one of the most difficult times of my life using only a pen and some lined paper. I wrote down my feelings, thoughts associated with each event, and addressed those involved personally. I made it clear what/who had hurt me, what I was sorry for, and detailed how I might have handled things had I been more open. I poured my heart out through writing, trying to excise the deep-seated anger and resentment I had been feeling up to that point.

To say it worked would be an understatement. I saw an old photo with some of the people I had 'written to' and all I felt was a deep sense of peace. No pangs of envy, no stirrings of anger, just quiet and calm. I cannot tell you how amazing that felt; to be able to gaze at people who used to be the centre of my world and only feel the utmost peace.

Do I have regrets? You bet I do. Am I in any kind of position to change any of it? Nope, and to be honest I don't think I would if I had the chance. I needed to go through all that to see how powerful it is when you forgive absolutely. 

Besides, even Batman forgave someone. Once.
 

11 Aug 2014

On Being Everywhere

I get it. After all these years, I finally understand it. I think I always knew it deep down and just needed to let myself actually believe it.

I do believe it. Balls deep, in fact.

I cannot be everything to everyone and I cannot be everywhere for everyone. I sometimes have to decline invitations to do things with friends and when they are upset with me because of it, that's okay. I have to listen to myself and do what's right for me at that time. If that means I don't go see that movie/band/whatever, then fine.

At first, I was scared to tell people that I needed time on my own rather than join them for their outing. I thought they`d make some sort of mean jab (and some did but I no longer have them in my life), and when they didn`t, I realized something very powerful: personal truth.

It`s very difficult to be truthful about your own feelings when you feel you are obligated to people. Speaking your truth when you need to is very empowering and tells the other person that you are practicing self-love. Taking care of yourself first is not selfish: it`s a necessity. How the fuck can you take care of others if you aren`t taking care of yourself? 

Seriously. Take a few minutes and think about who you are and what you need. At this moment, it might be a cup of coffee. That's a good start. While sipping your coffee, think about what else you might need and then do that. One step at a time.

Baby steps = laying the foundation to practise self-love every day.