I have a huge confession to make. I haven't been the best person I could be. I have known the right thing to do at all times, and sometime I have chosen to ignore it to satisfy my own agenda. When my friends ignored me after I announced my engagement, I chose to not contact them even though I knew deep down that if I did things would be mended. I decided instead to wallow in self pity, and up until yesterday that was what I was best at.
My job has been making me miserable. Let me correct myself: I have been allowing other people to make my work experience negative. I have allowed them to make me feel like I don't belong, like I am the one who has the problem. I had a really good cry yesterday along with a fantastic chat with one of my best soul-friends M and she put me back on track. I have a good shot at a career with this company and if someone is upset because I'm capable, or thinking that maybe I could possibly do her job better than she could, well that's her issue not mine. M said to me yesterday that she's never known me to care about what other people think of me. Maybe this is different because the girl in question is related to me but still...M is right. Maybe I was handed this job because of who I know but the bottom line is I'm still employed because of my capabilities.
On top of this at work, hubby and I have been fighting. A lot. It's been me picking fights and making him suffer because I have felt that I have no control over anything. I had a long talk with him last night and we both agreed that my job sucks. We are discussing some options for an alternative, should my fantastic 'promotion' not come through in January. Which it probably won't, but we'll see.
On a lighter note, I met with X and Z for dimsum Sunday. It was a little awkward at first, because I knew that Z really wanted to talk to me about what had happened to make her stop talking to me. Now that Y is out of the country until next year, I guess she feels it's okay to hang out with me.
That was uncalled for. But it's how I feel.
After dimsum, we went our separate ways, with X going off to do some shopping and Z and I heading the same way on the subway. She started telling me about her trip to meet Y in Europe and how badly it went and some of the issues she had with her. Half way through I asked her why she thought it was okay to tell me this stuff. She stopped talking, and then apologised to me for the past six months. She told me that she was really sorry for the email she had sent me after I announced my engagement and for not keeping in touch. I asked her why I wasn't invited to her birthday party and she looked away. She said that she had taken Y's problem with me on herself. I replied that she'd picked sides and it wasn't cool. I then told her exactly how I felt about the whole thing: starting with the email she'd sent, the fact that she didn't have time for me until the middle of July ( I was engaged in early May), and that she was busy planning a party. I said that she had hurt me by telling me she was planning her birthday party and she had chosen not to invite me.
I felt relieved to say all those things to her. I had been carrying it around for so long that it felt good to be free of it. She apologised and I accepted. I told her that she would have to be patient with me though because I wasn't ready to jump back into BFF mode.
(Evil October: Hope she tells Y about us 3 hanging out while she's gone...)
Can't seem to get rid of that little part of me that wants Y to feel incredibly lonely overseas by herself while we're here having a great time hanging out. I email her every now and again to let her know how great things are with me and I can't help but feel really good afterwards. My life is good. I didn't need to go away for a year to 'find' myself because I know who I am. I just need to be reminded every now and again.
4 Dec 2007
30 Nov 2007
Mmm....lattes
I used to question the placement of each Starbucks coffeehouse, and not just because they seem to crop up on opposite sides of the same street. I know they do that to get customers who are too lazy to cross over, and that kind of makes me laugh. I also realize that they do in-depth surveys and studies to determine where to build/takeover and such but the real thing that gets me is the emotional strings that customers attach to the place. I have noticed this more and more in myself as the weather grows colder, however the real jarring thing is what I've discovered about the placement of 'my' Starbucks.
When I'm walking the fifteen minutes or so to the subway, I have found that the Starbucks I frequent is at a sweet spot. It's just at the point in my walk where I begin to feel as though I will never be warm again, that my face is so frozen it's going to fall off and that I am so glad I'm almost at the subway. It's where I begin my daily pep talk to get through the last yards of the walk. I see the sign, and I am powerless to pass by. I have to go in, not only to warm up, but also to grab an Americano. I figure since I'm already there I might as well get coffee too. So, I get coffee and I warm up. See? Those bastards.
Armed with this knowledge, you'd think that I would do my best to avoid the coffeeshop altogether. Maybe I'd walk on the other side so that I wouldn't feel manipulated into buying overpriced coffee. That's where the emotional part comes in. Whenever I walk in, I feel as though the entire staff has been waiting for me to show up. They say good morning, ask me how I am and remember my order. They know that in the morning I ask for an Americano with room and that if I come in at night on my way home ( a reversal of the morning walk which I will discuss in a minute) I will ask for a soy Tazo Chai. Personally, I feel powerless to avoid them because I feel as though I'm disappointing them.
In the evening, when the temperature dips down and the walk home feels so much colder than the morning trek, I am drawn into the Starbucks again; this time for something to keep me warm as I walk home. Sounds ridiculous but when it's freezing cold out a nice warm latte in the hand is worth the five dollars. At the same time, I can forgo my pre-dinner snack (don't judge me) because of said latte. Two birds, one stone. My world is perfect.
Basically, although I know that Starbucks is a big corporation and bad blah blah blah, they make a damn fine Americano. And seriously, when it's cold outside and I need to warm up, I would much rather drag myself into a Starbucks where they not only remember my order but also get it right the first time . Very important when the first instinct you have in the morning before coffee is the urge to kill.
When I'm walking the fifteen minutes or so to the subway, I have found that the Starbucks I frequent is at a sweet spot. It's just at the point in my walk where I begin to feel as though I will never be warm again, that my face is so frozen it's going to fall off and that I am so glad I'm almost at the subway. It's where I begin my daily pep talk to get through the last yards of the walk. I see the sign, and I am powerless to pass by. I have to go in, not only to warm up, but also to grab an Americano. I figure since I'm already there I might as well get coffee too. So, I get coffee and I warm up. See? Those bastards.
Armed with this knowledge, you'd think that I would do my best to avoid the coffeeshop altogether. Maybe I'd walk on the other side so that I wouldn't feel manipulated into buying overpriced coffee. That's where the emotional part comes in. Whenever I walk in, I feel as though the entire staff has been waiting for me to show up. They say good morning, ask me how I am and remember my order. They know that in the morning I ask for an Americano with room and that if I come in at night on my way home ( a reversal of the morning walk which I will discuss in a minute) I will ask for a soy Tazo Chai. Personally, I feel powerless to avoid them because I feel as though I'm disappointing them.
In the evening, when the temperature dips down and the walk home feels so much colder than the morning trek, I am drawn into the Starbucks again; this time for something to keep me warm as I walk home. Sounds ridiculous but when it's freezing cold out a nice warm latte in the hand is worth the five dollars. At the same time, I can forgo my pre-dinner snack (don't judge me) because of said latte. Two birds, one stone. My world is perfect.
Basically, although I know that Starbucks is a big corporation and bad blah blah blah, they make a damn fine Americano. And seriously, when it's cold outside and I need to warm up, I would much rather drag myself into a Starbucks where they not only remember my order but also get it right the first time . Very important when the first instinct you have in the morning before coffee is the urge to kill.
28 Nov 2007
Figured it Out
I realize now why I am so unhappy. This whole environment reminds me of high school, with the cliques and the lingo and all that. I feel like I'm standing on the outside and while I'm okay with that because it alleviates a lot of social difficulty, it's a little trying at times. No to mention just plain mean. People around me are nice, don't get me wrong. There are times when the group of us just lose our minds and laugh like hell because we're so stressed out. There are other times though that I dread because it's another opportunity to make me feel like an outsider: Lunch.
My office building is right down the street from a large mall, and sometimes a few of the girls I work with will go there for lunch. Although there's a shuttle that would take me there on my own, it's way more fun when there's a group. Plus, there's always someone who will drive. The last thing I want to do is make them feel like I have to be included in everything because I don't. It would be nice however, if I was given the opportunity to decline. You know? I hate asking to tag along because I feel like an idiot; almost like I'm begging and let me tell you something right now. I would never beg for someone to be my friend. Not now. I have come too far in my personal growth to allow myself to be treated that way.
After rereading this post, I realize that it sounds like I'm being overly sensitive. Maybe I am being sensitive. Maybe they really don't like me and I've become that girl that everyone talks about behind her back. I hear these women on the subway trashing people they work with and just being so mean, it makes me want to go to them and remind them that other people know the person they are talking about. Just to see what happens. Because sometimes people need a good scare to put their manners back in place.
For me, it's all about wearing black. I feel the most confident in myself when I'm wearing black. So, I guess I know what I've got to do...go shopping!
My office building is right down the street from a large mall, and sometimes a few of the girls I work with will go there for lunch. Although there's a shuttle that would take me there on my own, it's way more fun when there's a group. Plus, there's always someone who will drive. The last thing I want to do is make them feel like I have to be included in everything because I don't. It would be nice however, if I was given the opportunity to decline. You know? I hate asking to tag along because I feel like an idiot; almost like I'm begging and let me tell you something right now. I would never beg for someone to be my friend. Not now. I have come too far in my personal growth to allow myself to be treated that way.
After rereading this post, I realize that it sounds like I'm being overly sensitive. Maybe I am being sensitive. Maybe they really don't like me and I've become that girl that everyone talks about behind her back. I hear these women on the subway trashing people they work with and just being so mean, it makes me want to go to them and remind them that other people know the person they are talking about. Just to see what happens. Because sometimes people need a good scare to put their manners back in place.
For me, it's all about wearing black. I feel the most confident in myself when I'm wearing black. So, I guess I know what I've got to do...go shopping!
Brand New Start
Today is the day where I begin to keep my mouth shut when asked my opinion at work. Last week I was asked to comment on something, and although no one has confronted me yet, I believe that it has been taken out of context and used to make me look bad in front of my peers. Since I've only been in this position for a few months, I am worried that this might affect my career. Such as it is.
I am not happy about being corporate girl again. I thought I already got this out of my system, but apparently the money is too big of a draw for me to ignore. Working at the bar was fun and hard work and paid well, but I hardly ever saw my boy. Now I see him daily, have money but really dislike my job. Sigh. Am I ever going to win?
Problem is, my job consists of about fifteen different jobs rolled into one. You know, bits and pieces of other people's jobs that have been rounded up to make my position. I don't want to complain because I know that I'm lucky to have this job, but there comes a point where one has to ask the question: What the hell am I doing?
I'm not cut out for all corporate backstabbing and ladder-climbing. I'm not that cutthroat when it comes to things like that. Now if there was a sale on action figures and there was only one big shiny robot monkey figure left, you'd better believe it's mine. Back away from the monkey, bitch. He's coming home with me.
I've got so much more to say but I'm going to stop now. The coffee machine is sending out her siren call and I am powerless to resist the lure.
I am not happy about being corporate girl again. I thought I already got this out of my system, but apparently the money is too big of a draw for me to ignore. Working at the bar was fun and hard work and paid well, but I hardly ever saw my boy. Now I see him daily, have money but really dislike my job. Sigh. Am I ever going to win?
Problem is, my job consists of about fifteen different jobs rolled into one. You know, bits and pieces of other people's jobs that have been rounded up to make my position. I don't want to complain because I know that I'm lucky to have this job, but there comes a point where one has to ask the question: What the hell am I doing?
I'm not cut out for all corporate backstabbing and ladder-climbing. I'm not that cutthroat when it comes to things like that. Now if there was a sale on action figures and there was only one big shiny robot monkey figure left, you'd better believe it's mine. Back away from the monkey, bitch. He's coming home with me.
I've got so much more to say but I'm going to stop now. The coffee machine is sending out her siren call and I am powerless to resist the lure.
26 Nov 2007
Catching Up
I am the first to admit that I don't do well without food. Needless to say, the fast lasted 10 hours. I comforted myself by saying that I did an advanced version of the 10 day fast, thus completing it in only 10 hours. See? All better.
This weekend I had the opportunity to reconnect with some friends that I haven't seen in 6 months. That might not seem a huge amount of time, but when you spend as much time with people as I did with these guys, 6 months seems like an eternity. These were my girls, the ones I turned to when I wanted to chat or needed to kill a bottle of red. We would block off specific nights to get together and hang out and it was good. There was always something to do, and even though one of us was married, there still seemed to be alot of time that we spent together.
People change, and through the years my relationship with one of these girls (Y) had become troubled. My problem was that I wanted her to like me and so I would do things to please her in order to gain her love. Being an abused child has made it difficult to have a normal realtionship, and once I began to see the patterns of my behaviour I began to reassert myself. Perhaps I waited too long, or maybe she thought I was being difficult, but I feel that's what really damaged our friendship. I wouldn't allow her to walk all over me and when I began to stand up for myself in situations where I would normally just shrug it off, she stopped talking to me.
One of my friends refused to pick sides, no matter how hard this girl tried to get her to. Coincidentally, she is also the other married one of the group. So when I saw X for her birthday this weekend, I was elated to find out that she had stayed away only until I felt ready to contact her. She made it clear to me that she wouldn't pick sides and that our other friend was just soul-searching and that's why all the trouble. Part of me already knew that, but hearing her say it made me feel better. Until the other girl showed up.
I can't really get into details because it hurts my heart too much. Suffice to say that two girls, Y and Z, both decided to have nothing to do with me because I had a falling out with Y. Y and I used to be roomies once upon a time, and when I moved out to be on my own she never really forgave me. Maybe it's like the empty nest syndrome. I will never know becasue she will never tell me.
I'm rambling at this point because I find it hard to focus on what matters the most. When I opened my email this morning, I found an email from Y. She was responding to my email wishing her a happy birthday that I sent a week or two ago. She sounds like she's doing well but I don't want her back in my life. I don't mind if she's part of the group when we go out, but I don't wish to reconnect with her. She's hurt me too much and I have too many other people in my life that love me to push them away for her.
Z asked me to go for coffee so we could talk. I'm not sure what she could say to me that will make everything okay: she basically ignored me when I announced I was getting married and I haven't heard from her since that day up until I saw her at X's birthday party on the weekend.
So, lots of emotion this weekend and my poor husband had to deal with me while I tried to figure it all out. As far as I'm concerned, I wasn't the one who initiated the cut off. I announced my marriage, was stung by Y and Z's responses and didn't want to get hurt anymore so I stopped communication. I would love to talk it out if for no other reason than closure. We'll see. Girls have a way of turning on you when they get together.
This weekend I had the opportunity to reconnect with some friends that I haven't seen in 6 months. That might not seem a huge amount of time, but when you spend as much time with people as I did with these guys, 6 months seems like an eternity. These were my girls, the ones I turned to when I wanted to chat or needed to kill a bottle of red. We would block off specific nights to get together and hang out and it was good. There was always something to do, and even though one of us was married, there still seemed to be alot of time that we spent together.
People change, and through the years my relationship with one of these girls (Y) had become troubled. My problem was that I wanted her to like me and so I would do things to please her in order to gain her love. Being an abused child has made it difficult to have a normal realtionship, and once I began to see the patterns of my behaviour I began to reassert myself. Perhaps I waited too long, or maybe she thought I was being difficult, but I feel that's what really damaged our friendship. I wouldn't allow her to walk all over me and when I began to stand up for myself in situations where I would normally just shrug it off, she stopped talking to me.
One of my friends refused to pick sides, no matter how hard this girl tried to get her to. Coincidentally, she is also the other married one of the group. So when I saw X for her birthday this weekend, I was elated to find out that she had stayed away only until I felt ready to contact her. She made it clear to me that she wouldn't pick sides and that our other friend was just soul-searching and that's why all the trouble. Part of me already knew that, but hearing her say it made me feel better. Until the other girl showed up.
I can't really get into details because it hurts my heart too much. Suffice to say that two girls, Y and Z, both decided to have nothing to do with me because I had a falling out with Y. Y and I used to be roomies once upon a time, and when I moved out to be on my own she never really forgave me. Maybe it's like the empty nest syndrome. I will never know becasue she will never tell me.
I'm rambling at this point because I find it hard to focus on what matters the most. When I opened my email this morning, I found an email from Y. She was responding to my email wishing her a happy birthday that I sent a week or two ago. She sounds like she's doing well but I don't want her back in my life. I don't mind if she's part of the group when we go out, but I don't wish to reconnect with her. She's hurt me too much and I have too many other people in my life that love me to push them away for her.
Z asked me to go for coffee so we could talk. I'm not sure what she could say to me that will make everything okay: she basically ignored me when I announced I was getting married and I haven't heard from her since that day up until I saw her at X's birthday party on the weekend.
So, lots of emotion this weekend and my poor husband had to deal with me while I tried to figure it all out. As far as I'm concerned, I wasn't the one who initiated the cut off. I announced my marriage, was stung by Y and Z's responses and didn't want to get hurt anymore so I stopped communication. I would love to talk it out if for no other reason than closure. We'll see. Girls have a way of turning on you when they get together.
16 Nov 2007
What The Hell Am I Thinking?
I love food, especially when it's barbecued. My husband and I barbecued every day of our honeymoon, sometime three times a day. Because of that, my system has been feeling a little...off. You know, like there's too much sausage in the casing and it's spilling out and try as you might you can't fit it all in? That's me. So my best friend C recommended that I try fasting for 10 days.
Wtf? Me? Go without food? No food, no beer, no chocolate, no MEAT???
I'll let you know how I fare. This is day one and I'm already missing my morning hotdog.
Wtf? Me? Go without food? No food, no beer, no chocolate, no MEAT???
I'll let you know how I fare. This is day one and I'm already missing my morning hotdog.
7 Nov 2007
What? This Still Works?
Seriously, I wasn't sure if this would still be here. Come to think of it, I wasn't sure if I'd be here long enough to announce that I did it: I got married and survived the whole thing. Well, almost.
Wedding stuff is boring until you get to the drama of the big day. And believe me when I tell you there was drama and plenty of it. Details will have to wait though because it's time to go home and snuggle with my hubby.
Oh crap, I'm one of them now. Sheesh.
Wedding stuff is boring until you get to the drama of the big day. And believe me when I tell you there was drama and plenty of it. Details will have to wait though because it's time to go home and snuggle with my hubby.
Oh crap, I'm one of them now. Sheesh.
9 Jun 2007
This is the day that never ends
Seriously. I am stuck in a really cool comic store that has no stock because it's all at the comic convention that I should be at but can't go to because I promised to work the store instead. It's absolutely gorgeous outside and I can't see my boy and I'm out of coffee and that's that.
Sigh. I want my bed. And my boy.
Sigh. I want my bed. And my boy.
31 May 2007
Back For More
That's right. After loudly proclaiming that I would no longer be a part of the whole blogging thing and deleting my blog and all that, here I am again. Sucker for punishment, I guess. Or maybe I just want to feel like my words are actually being read somewhere by somebody.
Nah.
I think the crux of it is that I need somewhere to both vent my thoughts and to let all the jumblings of my mixed-up world spill out and over into. Doesn't matter who reads it, or who doesn't. This is my 'Lady In the Water' so to speak. So let's get to it.
I have just quit a job that was frustrating me to no end. I would try my best to do what M wanted, but it never seemed to be the right thing. I even sat down with her and tried to discuss my frustration at not being able to handle the store and its various functions to no avail. I finally had to give my two weeks notice. I don't know if she consciously picks the person who gets shit on each week or if it just happens by chance but I am done with the whole thing. It's retail, not rocket science and if things need to be done a certain way I will do them that way...as long as you tell me what way that is. Leaving it up to me isn't helpful because obviously I'm going to do it wrong and get yelled at. Who needs that?
Not me. I am however looking forward to sleeping in and doing nothing. Until I get bored, that is.
Nah.
I think the crux of it is that I need somewhere to both vent my thoughts and to let all the jumblings of my mixed-up world spill out and over into. Doesn't matter who reads it, or who doesn't. This is my 'Lady In the Water' so to speak. So let's get to it.
I have just quit a job that was frustrating me to no end. I would try my best to do what M wanted, but it never seemed to be the right thing. I even sat down with her and tried to discuss my frustration at not being able to handle the store and its various functions to no avail. I finally had to give my two weeks notice. I don't know if she consciously picks the person who gets shit on each week or if it just happens by chance but I am done with the whole thing. It's retail, not rocket science and if things need to be done a certain way I will do them that way...as long as you tell me what way that is. Leaving it up to me isn't helpful because obviously I'm going to do it wrong and get yelled at. Who needs that?
Not me. I am however looking forward to sleeping in and doing nothing. Until I get bored, that is.
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