What To Do

It's not you, it's me. You haven't changed, I have. For the better. You see, I'm at a point in my life where I actually know what I want. As it turns out, this isn't it.

We've had some great times together, you and I. We've shared laughter and tears, anger and frustration, and celebrated each and every triumph together.

This isn't the end of us. We're simply morphing into something newer and better.

I am excited for the future, and I hope you'll come along with me for the ride. I will post a few more times and will let you know what the next thing is.

Thank you for your support.

xo

Dealing with Negative People

We all have stories of that one person who drives us crazy in a 'smash-their-face-in-with-a-brick' way. My complaints are no different: this person I have to interact with continually pushes my buttons and makes me frustrated. What to do?

From what I understand, when someone in your life makes you feel this way it's usually because they are triggering some facet of your own personality that you don't like. So I thought about that. I sat with the anger and the frustration and I thought about what it could be that is making me not able to interact with this person.

Hours later, I am still sitting here thinking. I don't know what it is, if anything, that I see in this person that reminds me of my own behavior so I suppose for now I'll have to keep my eyes open and wait for the metaphorical lightning to hit. 

Until it does, I am going to remind myself that everyone has their own shit they are dealing with on any given day. Maybe that will help me be able to see past my own frustration and extend some sympathy and understanding instead.

Done and Done

Moved. 

What an experience. From the purging to the painting, the friends who offered their help and support and those that actually did, it's been an experience.

I know so much more now than I did before.

We have more space. The cats feel more relaxed. There is a home office, an actual delineation of space that allows us to work and live in the same space without stepping on each other.

I have my spirit back. 

I don't where it went, nor how it knew how to find me again. I know that things feel better. 

That's all I have for now. Still reeling from the amount of energy expended during this past weekend. 

So incredible happy with the new space. So incredibly happy with the way things are going. 

So incredible, this life. 

Stay on Target

Here's the funny thing about setting goals. You set them and then if you are not able to complete them, no matter the reason, you feel shitty about yourself.

No more goals. Not now, not ever.

I already refuse to make resolutions in preparation for the new year simply because I know that I am not going to follow through. Not because I am a terrible person with no direction: my reasoning is far simpler.

Trying to tell myself that I will get up every morning and exercise is futile. I am not a morning person and I find it very difficult to actually get out of bed when my alarm first goes off. Making a resolution or setting the goal to get up earlier will not work and attempting to change this right now will not give me the results I am looking for. 

I know that I need to exercise. I know that I feel better, sleep better, and have more self confidence when I make time to stretch and move. My solution is to do it when I get home; that way I get it done and, more importantly, I actually have the energy to do it and will work out longer. Problem solved.

Working within my parameters has afforded me opportunities to explore different ways of doing things I want to do. For me, it's interesting to see how I can make sure I get things done that I want to accomplish but it's also about the process. The process changes every time I feel that I want to do something.

And that, my friends, is the secret to getting shit done.

Generally Speaking, Things are Okay

Still packing, sorting, discarding, donating, and giving away things that have been in our home for years. While I find it difficult, I realize that it's better to move with less things, especially those things that are no longer needed.

Insert your own witty comparison between things and people here because I am too tired.

Seriously. I am exhausted. I am waking up in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep until the sky starts to lighten with the dawn. By then, it's time to get up and I'm angry at not being able to sleep.

I hate the packing part of moving. Everything is out of place, I can't find anything because I've already packed it, and tempers are short. The cats are being asshats because they know something is up but don't understand they aren't being left behind. Being rescue cats, their stress stems from being left by previous owners and no amount of time with us will change that. We try and calm them down and tell them they are coming with us but who knows what cats actually understand?

Work is super busy and I'm juggling multiple projects along with everything else. I feel like I'm being stretched far too thin but I refuse to give up spending time with people outside of the apartment. I understand we have tons left to do, but sometimes you just need a fucking break from taping and packing and labeling and shouting.

So glad we hired movers.

On My Mind

I have an overactive imagination. I know this. I also know that there are times when I simply cannot stop my brain from coming up with ridiculous images and scenarios that just won't happen. I have to just let it do its thing and then chide myself after.

Or do I?

I've been reading a lot about reprogramming behavioral responses and while it sounds incredibly scary, I understand what it means for people like me who cannot stop their brain from conjuring up pictures and scenarios. I am not in any way suggesting that people should try this out for fun: this was, and still is, something I feel can be either incredibly beneficial or a fucking nightmare depending on who is administering the treatment.

Case in point: I have a consultation this afternoon with a new therapist. The doctor works out of her home and I woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack thinking that it's all a front and she is actually going to kill me. I lay there trying to get my brain to calm the fuck down and after two hours of this nonsense, I finally gave in.

Okay brain, I said to myself. You want to wake me up and fill my head with this shit? Fine. LET'S DO THIS.

I conjured up scenes that belonged in a horror movie, complete with chainsaws and running blindly down corridors. I let my brain exhaust itself with all the potentially terrible and horrific things that could go wrong spiraling through my psyche. At the end of it all, I asked myself a question: why are you so afraid?

My brain instantly went on the defense, telling me that I'm not afraid, just being cautious. I reminded myself of the images I had just witnessed and asked if these were the thoughts of a cautious person, or one trying to justify not going to the appointment. 

And that was my 'a-ha!' moment.

After I figured out the pattern of self-sabotage, I realized that I had just spent three hours in deep conversation with myself. 

One step at a time.

Sweeping it All Away

In the midst of preparing to move, I've discovered a lot of things I didn't realize I was still holding onto. I found letters from previous lovers, divorce papers from husband number 2 (including the terrible letters he wrote me telling me how much I suck), and a ton of other things.

I sat and looked at all that stuff and I started to cry. It's emotional to see parts of your life splayed out in front of you. I sat and looked at it and when I was ready, I methodically tore each piece of paper into shreds.

Words cannot describe how amazing that felt. To be able to sit there with these pieces and process the emotions around them and then let them go. 

I found the first few extremely difficult. I wanted to give up and shove the rest into a bag and 'deal with it later' but I knew that was a lie. I wouldn't do it later, or ever. If I didn't deal with it right then, I would spend the rest of my life dragging this excess shit around me and wondering why I felt so bad.

Part of my struggle through depression was the feeling that I wasn't going to get any better. I spent a lot of time lying on my side wondering when the pain will stop and my life would start up again. When I was able to function again, I remember looking at the junk and thinking I should clear it away but it seemed too difficult.

It's a strange feeling, this new lightness. I have systematically cleared out most of the places where I've hidden my excess baggage: the old paystubs, old birthday/Valentine's/Christmas cards, things I no longer need in my life. 

I didn't need any of it and yet I held onto it out of fear: fear of change, fear of facing myself, fear of not having the security of things. I realized that I will not win anything at the end of the day for having held onto my crap. 

I am no longer looking at what to hang onto. I am looking at what to let go of.

Purging - The Before

I have an incredible amount of stuff. Stuff that I haven't looked at in years, things that I've never worn, and books that I will probably never, ever read. Why do I have all of this crap?

Oh, that's right. I thought that having 'things' meant that I was successful, that I had somehow 'made it' because because I could afford to buy all that stuff. People would walk into my place and be stunned by the sheer volume of things. I had things on top of things beside more things that had other things resting against them.

So much stuff, and none of it is making me happy.

I have been part of the 'should' tribe for a very long time. I would tell myself that I 'should' get up early and exercise before going to work, that I 'should' spend more time writing, that I 'should' get out of debt. And I haven't. 

Do you know why?

It's because I am afraid. I am afraid of losing my credibility as a comic nerd if I don't have all of them in my house. I am afraid of actually committing to an exercise regime that will work, because then I will have to keep it up and I don't want to be all crazy about it. I am afraid that if I don't keep all of the holiday and birthday cards my mom has ever given me that somehow I am a bad daughter. And, I'm afraid that if I set a budget and stick to it, that I will become 'un-fun' to be around.

When I actually write it all down and read it, I sound like an idiot. Why am I afraid of those things? Why do I insist on having things around me that aren't adding value to my life? 

Clutter aside, it's just dumb. I can't possibly read every single book nor do I have to have my own personal copy of it to enjoy it. There are these things called libraries; have you heard of them? Apparently, you can go there and they will lend you a book to read and all you have to do is read and take it back. As in, not keep it. And then, they let you take another book to read.

I am starting to pack for the move in a couple of weeks and as I stood there surveying my items, I realized that I need to make a change. I cannot keep lugging all of this crap around with me. It serves me no purpose.

Sounds like an epiphany is about to happen.

Last night, as I started to pack up my graphic novels, I came across a photo album from my previous marriage. Without thinking, I tore out the pages, shredded them, and recycled the book.

Can I tell you how that felt? I felt a little tiny release inside my heart, as if I were finally letting go of that part of my life. I didn't need to carry that around with me anymore so I released it.

I am excited to see what else I can let go of. 

What If?

That's always been the big question, hasn't it? Every time something is going well for us, we question what might have been had we made a different decision. It's something I catch myself doing and when I do, I smile and remind myself that not all doors are closed and not all windows open.

We are never happy with what we have in the moment and we look for a reason to doubt that happiness is ours. Personally, I believe that people are afraid to be happy because it alerts others to the fact that you are no longer playing by their rules. To be happy is to be free of those social constraints that seek to keep you down and in compliance within the accepted framework of doubt, cleverly disguised as 'knowing what's best'.

How many times have you found yourself saying things like, 'I'd never take that much of a risk, not with the job market being what it is'; or 'She's crazy, dating that guy. She doesn't even know what a Monet is!'. Those are clearly ridiculous examples, and for good reason. Other people's ideas and thoughts and feelings are just that: not yours. Who knows why the risk-taker chose this time to make their move? Do you really care why she is dating that guy? Why are you so invested?

Fear. 

Things like that are said out of fear that someone might be getting closer to achieving their brand of happiness and that's frightening to those who are nowhere near that point in their lives. Those who actively make changes to be happy are looked at sideways.

I have tried to keep 'What If's' out of my internal monologue, however difficult it might be. I have realized that there is no such thing as a closed door or an open window; that all things are just where they need to be, when they need to be there. For me, there is no looking back in anger. If I choose to look back and reflect, it's with love and an appreciation for the lessons I learned during those painful times.

I am conquering my fears by restating them in terms that better reflect what they are. I am not afraid of success; I am afraid of losing people along the way. I am not afraid of change; I am afraid of what happens after the change happens. And so on.

Re-framing is a big part of my strategy for overcoming stress, fear, anger, and sadness. Often I find that by restating what I am feeling, I can figure out what the root cause is and deal with it, thereby eliminating the stress. 

Might not work for everyone, but it keeps me sane.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Today I finally let go of it all. My anger, my disappointment, all the negative feelings I've been carrying around that I have been associating with you are all gone. I have erased my expectations of you and have begun to mend. I know there is no phone call at the 11th hour to lay bare all that I don't understand. I know you aren't coming and that you never will. I know that our time together is over: completely, utterly, over.

So why am I writing this?

Because I know you read this. I know that you come here searching for clues that I am still somehow connected to you and that I am still searching for some type of answer that I will never get but all that is gone now. All those feelings that I once felt for you are gone. 

I used to dream about you calling me and telling me why you did the things you did. I used to think that the only way I could move forward would be to have that conversation and to be able to tell you how you made me feel throughout it all and afterward. 

I understand now that none of it matters. I understand that you aren't a part of my life anymore and will never be. The spot that I once thought would never heal from our time together is now slowly stitching itself back together, fibre by fibre. 

I am whole again.

I have broken free of the self-imposed shackles of envy, shame, and anger and have replaced them with warmth, love, and self-care. 

I am whole again.

Thank you for showing me how to do this for myself. Thank you for turning your back on me and forcing me to figure this out for myself. Thank you for your continued silence; it has shown me more than I could ever put into words.

Thank you.

The Power of Cats

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with a severe panic attack. I felt my throat close, I couldn't catch my breath, and in the darkness I saw stars. I was just about to go into a full-on thrash when my cat rubbed against me.

She'd been sleeping soundly, curled up right next to me. In the moment I didn't think it was odd but looking back, she almost always sleeps on the radiator next to the bed and not actually on the bed. Except for last night.

She stretched out and placed her delicate paw on my arm, pulling it closer to her. In my surprise, I reached down and ruffled her fur and she snuggled closer. I felt her warmth and was comforted by it and soon calmed down. 

I lay there, listening to my husband breathe and feeling our other cat shift in his sleep at my feet. I lay there with her snuggled up against me with her tiny paws gently touching my face as if to reassure herself that I was okay. I fell back asleep with her in my arms.

I just wanted to share that moment with you. I have never felt more loved than I did last night surrounded by those whom I cherish.

Social Manners in Small Spaces

I have been living in the same place for a number of years and while I love it, I need a change. I have always regretted moving from the amazing apartment I had just prior to moving into my current place, and now I have an opportunity to move back.

Let me back up a bit. When I split from my ex-husband, I stayed with a friend in her apartment for about 6 weeks while I got my shit together. As I went about my daily routine, I noticed how relaxed I was, considering the situation I was in. I snagged an apartment in the same building and moved out of my friend's place and set about rebuilding my life.

During the next couple of years, a number of things happened that contributed to me deciding to move to my current place. While my time in my current place has been good, there are a few things that have happened recently that have made me want to move.

I understand that not everyone works on the same schedule and I try my best to be considerate of those who live around me. Living in a corner suite on the top floor with only one neighbor attached has enabled me to live relatively noise-free for the past couple of years. While there are some noisy people every now and again, for the most part people are adults and don't play their music at ear-bleeding levels at all hours of the day. Those that plan to alert their neighbors ahead of time by going to their doors and telling them and not just placing a post-it on their door and calling it 'asking for feedback'.

Look, I know you feel that it's your right to play your drums or piano as loud as you want during the day and on the weekends. I get that it's something you feel passionately about and I understand the creative process and how it might seem like a good idea to compose music at 2:30 am. The reality of it is, you live in a giant sound-conducting structure where everyone can hear you and no one likes it. Sticking a post-it note on your door or putting a sign up in the lobby telling people that you need to do this and asking for 'feedback' is both immature and delusional. 

There is no place where this type of behaviour is acceptable. If you work in an office, you cannot play music loudly at your desk nor can you engage in intense conversations that disturb others. Same for school, the library, public transit, and just about everywhere. It astonishes me how people can walk into their homes and immediately feel as though they are immune from all social responsibility simply because they are in their own space.

Don't misunderstand me, I've had my share of knocks at the door and polite 'can you turn down your videogames/music/movies/stop yelling "Yahtzee!" because you aren't even playing that game, please' conversations with neighbors. Here's the thing though: I didn't need to be told multiple times or force my neighbors to call the cops because I refused to answer the door or turn my shit down. It's consideration and once you lose that, you've lost what it means to be able to coexist with others.

And that's why I am moving back to the building that I never should have left. 

Some people have said that it seems as though I am moving backwards but I disagree. It's the same building yes, but it's a new apartment on a different floor with more room. It's a great opportunity to finally have the home office that we so desperately need.

So moving backwards? Nope. Moving forwards? Yes. A thousand times yes. And I cannot wait to get there and sit on the balcony and sip my coffee and be at peace.

So Far, So Good

There seems to be a bit of shift in attitudes. People are becoming more aware of what they want and are starting to try and attain those things, if they are material in nature, or shifting their patterns of behaviour, if what is wanted is more personal.

For me, the shift has been a subtle one that infiltrates my thoughts and influences my moods in order to make change happen. Finishing my novel has had a huge impact on my psyche: I now know that I can write a book, a pretty good one at that, and that people will buy it. I feel as though I am finally beginning to do the things I've wanted to do. All because I just did it.

Those articles that tell you not to wait until you're ready because you will never be ready? They are all right. Imagine my surprise to discover that just by doing the thing that I shied away from because of not feeling prepared enough, I not only did it, I fucking crushed it.

Crushed. It.

Having gone through the process already, I know what to expect and won't freak out as much. I'm going to do more this year than ever before but I'm also going to remember that it isn't a race. Actions fueled with mindful thought is the key here.

Also, I have great hair. Terrible segue I know, but it had to be said.

See, this year isn't about how many books I can pump out. It isn't about whether or not I'm going to attain any magical heights or accomplish feats of startling magnificence. This year is about the act of doing.

Just fucking do it, guy.

Get up off your ass and DO IT.

You fuck it up? Oh well. DO IT AGAIN.

You keep fucking it up?  TRY ANOTHER WAY.

You keep doing that fucking thing until you get it right or you realize that maybe it wasn't the right thing for you AT THIS TIME. It does not mean you failed; it means you failed at this moment. Leave it and go back later when you feel more focused: but do revisit it. You might find that the situation has changed in your absence and what used to be impossible is now completely attainable.

Unless it's an ex. Just leave that shit where it is and walk away from it. 

Now get out there and do something.