Well, Maybe Next Year

The passing of November into December marks a major milestone finished for another year: NaNoWriMo. This year, my success was not in finishing 50,000 words but in actually sitting down and plotting out a novel. A novel that I am still working on, even though I did not meet the word count for November. I was feeling a bit down about this until a very good friend of mine sent me the following message:

           'The thing a lot of people forget about NaNoWriMo is that you can also write in the other eleven months of the year. Because EVERY month is novel writing month. So yes, keep writing.'

That made me feel better. I will always try and complete the challenge every year, but I will not make it my only time to write. In fact, I have re-worked the original plot outline and I am continuing on with my idea. 

I am actually enjoying the process this time around, rather than feeling stressed out for not writing as many words as I thought I would. By not placing any kind of expectation on myself, save for writing well, I am far more productive.

I found my secret to writing well. And it took failing NaNoWriMo to find it.

Almost There...

So NaNoWriMo started this morning and I am pretty proud of myself. Not only did I actually get up when my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I sat myself down and wrote. For me, I have already won. I have been saying for the longest time that I was going to get up early and write and I never have because I like sleep. It's my friend.

I did something else that is different this year: I wrote an actual proper outline. I wrote a back story, developed characters, ideas, and themes, and know how the story ends. All in all, a much better start.

While I didn't meet the word count this morning, I am not going to stress myself out over it. I will either write more tonight or do a bit extra tomorrow morning. I am happy with what I've written so far and my characters are realistically flawed. 

When I compare where I am right now with where I was last year, I am blown away by the difference. I am in such a great place with people around me who love me, and I am grateful for the support I have received during the past year. I have learned to make hard decisions, learned how to let go of things that are hindering my happiness, and am working towards forgiving those who have hurt me. 

In keeping with these lessons learned, I have quit my current job that is not fulfilling me and have taken another that will. I am taking responsibility for my own happiness and rejecting the notion that I do not deserve it. 

My hair has also made an interesting transition: last year I was lightening my jet-black hair in order to try and infuse myself with light. It took many steps and lots of money and in the end, I have decided to return to black. I always do. I don't consider the journey to be a waste; I have learned much and will continue to do so.

With awesome hair. 

Transistions

I had a great idea for this post and started to write it, and then something else happened. The post turned into a rant, which turned into a self-pity piece and that's when I grew disgusted with myself and went for coffee. I am sitting here at a job that does not challenge me thinking up ways I can endure it without being an asshole. Apparently my default mode is extreme sarcasm with a side of cynicism.

During the whole process of trying to update this blog, I realized that I am supremely unhappy with a whole bunch of things. While my therapist and I are trying to unravel the densest part of my misery and examine the threads, I am not happy with just dealing with the depression that was the catalyst for the events of the past year. I feel as though I have lost an entire year of my life through the betrayal of my mind and I am angry.

I used to wear my anger proudly, like a suit of armour. As I grew older and wiser, I realized that I could express my anger in different ways that were constructive and didn't  hurt anyone.  Looking back, it seems as though it was easier to push people away although I know that isn't true. I am doing my best to walk through the pain to get to the other side, but some days are better than others.

Today I am choosing to deal with this instead of letting it happen to me. Today I am going to put my foot down and DO things instead of talking about them. 

Having said that, I really want a nap.

Challenges Are Good, But Magic is Better

Something that I am in constant awe about is how people deal with challenges. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms, and I find it fascinating to watch people as they try and figure out solutions. It's equally entertaining to step in at the right time with an offer of a solution and see if they choose to implement it or not.

My current boss decided that my computer would be given to a co-worker and that I would start to use one of the big, beautiful Mac's that the graphic design team work on. The computer comes with wireless mouse and keyboard, which requires bluetooth to be installed and enabled in order for the wireless items to pair and sync with the computer. I watched the IT guy switch my old computer with the new one and retrieve my emails from the server. So far, so good.

He then tried to pair the keyboard and mouse. They were both blinking, which meant they were searching for each other, but the little screen that is supposed to pop up to ask you if you want them to sync with the Mac didn't appear. It was then that I had a suspicion, but I kept it to myself because I figured he knew what he was doing. 

Four hours and a very angry boss later, I suggested that perhaps the unit did not have bluetooth installed. My boss was furious that the process was taking so long and told me that all of the Mac's had been purchased at 'the same time with the same stuff inside them'. Exact words. I nodded and went back to my magazine.

After countless troubleshooting attempts, numerous online forums, and a brief but tense meeting, I managed to point out that there was no bluetooth. Clicking on the 'About this Mac' proved I was right.

Silence.

A flurry of confusion. How can that be? How did the previous employee use the computer with the keyboard and mouse if there is no bluetooth? We all saw her use it?!

Those are all very good questions. I have a theory as to the answer.

Magic.

What else could it be? I can't figure it out and neither can anyone else here. It's a bit of a mystery. Every now and again I am reminded that we don't always have the answers and that some things just are. Like knowing who is on the phone the instant it rings. Or buying your partner flowers 'for no reason'. Magic does exist; it just goes by different names for different people.

Sometimes, just asking the question is enough of an answer.

A Bit of Stability Would Be Great

I am fortunate enough to have a job where my creativity is rewarded and my ideas put into practice. The act of getting ready for work does not fill me with dread, nor does it make me wish I was doing anything but. I am paid well and get along with my co-workers, and have built a substantial network of professionals that I can call on to provide me with solutions when I need them. So what am I complaining about?

I don’t have a job description. There, I said it. I know that I should have insisted on having one prior to accepting my present position but I thought that I would be able to get one after. I am too trusting and once again, it has bitten me in the ass.

Not having a job description is terrible for a number of reasons. The biggest drawback for me right now is that my boss keeps changing my job; I was hired for what I thought was a very straightforward role in his company. I have a strong marketing and social media background and am published internationally. During our discussions, he told me he would want me to do sales and I balked at that. I explained that I am not interested in a sales position, he agreed, and we negotiated my job: marketing-oriented with copy-writing and some design as needed. I took this job thinking that’s what I would be doing.

I have done a substantial amount of media work as well as copy-writing during my time here and for that I am ecstatic. What I don’t like is the consistent manner in which my boss changes his mind. Preparing new marketing materials to be released only to be told at the time of final sign-off that he’s decided to go another route is both frustrating and demoralizing. Why bother working hard on developing fresh concepts when he will just axe it at the end and do the same thing he’s done every year for the past 20 years?

Today, he sent me out on a sales call. I have no clue as to what I am doing as I am not in sales, and I hope that he did this because he was at an appointment and could not go himself. There used to be an employee here who did precisely what I did today and since she’s moved on, my fear is that my boss wants me to assume those responsibilities and adding them to my growing list of things I do.

Let me make this perfectly clear: I am not a salesperson nor do I have any desire to be one.

I have already spoken to a few of my co-workers who also need job descriptions and we have decided to write them ourselves and present them, as a group, to the owner. We all feel that without job descriptions, he will continue to change our roles within the company as he sees fit. It is a small company and while I understand the necessity of being able to utilize as much as you can from your employees, I am not sure that completely changing their focus work-wise on a daily basis is the way to do it.

Bottom line is simple: Job description. Get one or don’t accept the job.

Un-common Courtesy

I don't ask for much from my fellow humans. I realize that we are brought up in different value systems and exposed to a variety of parenting styles. I know all of these things, and yet I am still surprised/shocked when I have to ask someone to give up their seat to an old woman who can barely stand.

Let me start by saying if I'd had a seat, I would have gladly given it to her. To me, it doesn't matter if she should be out on her own or not; the fact is, she is out and is on public transit and therefore should be given some measure of consideration. She probably should have a caregiver with her at all times but how many elderly people do YOU know that can afford such luxuries? I digress: that's a completely different topic for another post.

When I see elderly people or very pregnant women who have to stand on a bus or subway because people do not offer them their seat, it infuriates me. I don my superhero cape and loudly ask the person if they need to sit. When they answer in the affirmative, that is usually enough to make someone get up and if it isn't I lean forward and tap someone on the shoulder and ask them to give up their seat.

Most people are completely embarrassed by this. They should be; instead of being aware of their surroundings, they have their heads down playing with their phones. They sit, blissfully unaware of anything that is going on around them and then some loudmouth comes along and disturbs them just as they were finishing the last level of Angry Birds and makes them move so that some old person can sit down. Can you imagine the nerve?

I mistakenly believed that everyone is equipped with the same sort of common sense indicators that tell you how to behave when specific things occur. Pregnant lady? Hold the door, offer your seat. Old woman/man? Give them your seat. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. These so-called common behaviours are not so common within our society and while I could state my theory for this, I have not completed my research and don't want to comment yet. More on that later.

You won't win a prize or receive accolades when you perform small, thoughtful acts for your fellow humans. No matter who you help, they will look at you like you have an extra head because no one has ever helped them before. Most won't say thanks because helpfulness is a rarity in today's society. 

Don't help out so that you can be thanked. Do it because it's the right thing to do, and pretty soon being polite and courteous will be the norm again.

That Was A Close One

I debated deleting this blog for a number of reasons. Time is always a factor and I never seem to have enough of it in order to do everything on my list. That most likely won't change any time soon, so I might as well suck it up and figure it out. Another thing to consider is this: no one is standing over me demanding that I blog. It is merely a tool for me to get into the habit of writing on a regular basis. And so, the blog survives once again.

I have lots to say as it has been a bit of a stretch since my last post. One of the most important things that I need to say is how grateful I am to be surrounded by women, not girls. I have had some difficulty in the past with taking care of others to the detriment of my own sanity and well-being and I am happy to say that I no longer feel the need to do that. The people I surround myself with are open, honest, and mature; people who can, and do, communicate how they are feeling and seek to rectify the harm they may inadvertently cause in the process. I cannot tell you how satisfying it is to share that kind of friendship with people, a wonderfully well-balanced friendship that is symbiotic.

One more thing: I saw Star Wars: Identities this past weekend in Montreal. If you can't go (it closes next weekend and then moves to Calgary), watch this teaser over and over again and then plan your trip.

What Time Is It?

It's been awhile, hasn't it? The past four months have been difficult and it seemed at times that life was determined to make me more bitter and cynical than I already am. I have been through a very dark time and have managed to come out the other side a better person with a new understanding of the way things really work. Along the way I made some remarkable discoveries, the least of which still shook me to my core.

It's amazing what happens externally when things fall apart internally. I watched as people drifted away, confused and angry with me, and was awestruck by the love and generosity of those who corralled around me. Those who claimed to love me simply vanished, and although I don't want to say this, I had foolishly hoped that they would stand by me in my time of need and reciprocate the care that I had given them in their time of need. While I lost a few 'friends', my family was especially understanding and both my mother and my brother (which includes his wife as they are a matched pair) offered me unending love and support without asking for any kind of clarification. My partner stood by me throughout the entire ordeal and not once did he complain or balk at the thought of dragging me through another day of existence. Without them, I may not have been able to get through this as relatively unscathed as I did.

It's been a tough road at times and I have made many mistakes along the way; however, I revel in the very real possibility of being able to move forward with a clear head and a light heart. I said a long time ago that one of the few things I wanted from life was to rebuild my family and with their help, it has happened. The safety and security that I have found in my family's devotion to one another has sustained me and helped me overcome a lot of things that might have drowned me.