What Time Is It?

It's been awhile, hasn't it? The past four months have been difficult and it seemed at times that life was determined to make me more bitter and cynical than I already am. I have been through a very dark time and have managed to come out the other side a better person with a new understanding of the way things really work. Along the way I made some remarkable discoveries, the least of which still shook me to my core.

It's amazing what happens externally when things fall apart internally. I watched as people drifted away, confused and angry with me, and was awestruck by the love and generosity of those who corralled around me. Those who claimed to love me simply vanished, and although I don't want to say this, I had foolishly hoped that they would stand by me in my time of need and reciprocate the care that I had given them in their time of need. While I lost a few 'friends', my family was especially understanding and both my mother and my brother (which includes his wife as they are a matched pair) offered me unending love and support without asking for any kind of clarification. My partner stood by me throughout the entire ordeal and not once did he complain or balk at the thought of dragging me through another day of existence. Without them, I may not have been able to get through this as relatively unscathed as I did.

It's been a tough road at times and I have made many mistakes along the way; however, I revel in the very real possibility of being able to move forward with a clear head and a light heart. I said a long time ago that one of the few things I wanted from life was to rebuild my family and with their help, it has happened. The safety and security that I have found in my family's devotion to one another has sustained me and helped me overcome a lot of things that might have drowned me.

So Much Lighter Now

It's funny how the world works sometimes. I spend my days wondering what life would be if only I'd taken another road; for example, shutting a door instead of opening it wider, and I am amazed at the feeling I have that even if I did have the power to change things, I probably wouldn't. I believe that things happen for a reason and that if you aren't learning a particular lesson, the universe will keep putting you into the same position until you get it. I know that I have repeatedly made the same errors time and again until one day things just sort of clicked and I saw the situation in a different light. That flash of insight enabled me to avoid making those types of mistakes again. My biggest problem though, is that I am essentially a soft-hearted person who just wants to help people. That trait makes me a target for those who would use that against me to try and make me feel bad about doing the right thing in a difficult situation.

I am fiercely loyal to my friends and would go to great lengths to defend them against harsh words or worse. I remember a time when I took a punch aimed at my friend and when they guy looked at me and started to apologise, I asked him why he would apologise when he meant to hit someone and then, as he stared at me, I asked if he was apologising because he hit me specifically or because he realized he had done something wrong? My friend was stunned that I would do that, and to this day we remain great friends. I didn't want to get hit, but I also knew that if that shot had connected with her, she would have been badly injured as she was half my size. I did what I believe any good person should do: stand up for those who cannot do it for themselves. Therein lies my problem.

I always hope that my actions will somehow rub off on other people, specifically the ones who continually hurt me, but they never do. I end up having to phase them out of my life because I cannot bear to be around them anymore. It's really as simple as that. I don't like cutting people out of my life; I try and leave the door ajar just in case, but I have learned that once people are gone, they are gone. My least favourite part is when the shit they say begins to filter back to me. This is something else people don't realize: the world is actually very small and we are all connected in some way. Most people, when they witness trash-talk about someone who isn't present, if they are not involved, will take note and then pass along the info to the person being trash-talked. In my case, because I am a good person who goes out of her way to help other people, I hear all the bad shit people say about me. I hear it, I digest it, and then I make decisions for my next actions based on what I know of the person slamming me.

I am tired of being an easy target but I refuse to stop being who I am. I have worked very hard to be the person that I am today and I am not going to let others dictate the parameters of my generosity. I will simply let them go.

This Time, I Mean It. For Realsies.

I hae written and rewritten this post about a thousand times over the past month. I get ready to post it, and then realize that it isn't what I really wanted to say. I know it's somewhat egotistical of me to assume that people actually want to hear about what I am doing and what my thoughts are on certain subjects. I will continue with that assumption and tell you all about my latest preoccupation: optimism.

I have it really good. I have an amazing partner who is also my best friend, a solid job that pays me well, a great place to live in a good area, and a family that loves me. Add to that great friends, two adorable cats, and a library of comics, books, and video games and there really isn't much to complain about. Really. I am not joking.

Maybe it's because I have beenthrough so much and seen so much happen to others that I am so grateful for what I have. Maybe it's also because I finally let go of the ball of hate that has been inside me for so long and colouring my interactions with other people with a faint wash of red. Although I have not changed my opinion on a lot of things, I can finally say with absolute certainty that I am no longer angry.

I was afraid to let go of it; afraid that if I did, I would lose part of me. I have always associated my inner strength and determination with that anger and hate and the thought of not having it was terrifying because I thought I'd be weak. I see now that the anger and hatred has been holding me back from realizing my true strength and I am finally happy, right through to my core.

I still have plenty to rant about, make no mistake. There doesn't seem to be a shortage of stupid people in the world with whom I have to interact, so topics will be plentiful. I also may have hidden a tiny piece of the anger in my jewellery box, just in case I need it.

Privacy.

I have been thinking a lot about privacy and how hard it is to come by these days. The internet, while useful in a myriad of ways, is also very unforgiving of mistakes and keeps an on-going catalogue of things that should be allowed to fade away gracefully over time. I used to think of myself as a private person and was shown recently that I am, in fact, quite the opposite.

An innocent-looking app on my phone, foursquare, has the potential to let everyone know where I am at all times. The built-in GPS in my phone does the same thing and, if you know how to use it, you can figure out anyone's location to within a metre of where they actually are. That scares me. A lot. To know that by clicking on that app all the people on my facebook account will know where I am at any given time is frightening, but what really keeps me awake at night is knowing that most of those people do not have their account privacy settings as high as I do and so might be leaking my information to anyone who cares to look for it. I realize that was a very long sentence but I am keeping it that way to emphasize the vehemence of the words.

Think about it. Nothing is ever really 'gone' or 'deleted'. It's just removed from that area. I had a blog a few years back when I was going through my horrific divorce and losing my best friend at the same time and I made the mistake of posting some very personal thoughts/ranting and raving like a lunatic about the two of them. I deleted them after because I realized that the internet was no place to work shit out on, but my ex managed to find one of the entries I thought had been deleted. Luckily, his email regarding it was peppered with an incredibly devastating amount of profanity so the two sort of cancelled each other out and had no bearing on the divorce proceedings.

Point is, shit does not get erased from the internet. It remembers everything. Be careful. Big Brother really and truly is watching and if he doesn't like what he sees, he will delete your profile and ban you from facebook. And then how would you build your farm? 

I Did It

I quit my second job. As soon as I recover from the punishing brutality of the sleep deprivation I have been putting myself through for the past few months, I will write something witty and fabulous.

There Should Be More Hours in the Day

I have not had much time for anything lately. I have a stack of comics still unread from three weeks ago, a pile of laundry that I suspect is becoming sentient, and a bajillion other things that I need to attend to but haven't. Why? Because I am a lazy shit.

I recently took a second job in order to pay the bills. Since my ex left, it's been a bit of a struggle to pay everything on time. So far I have been able to do it but I am beginning to fall behind on other things such as my personal writing. I know exactly what my excuses are and why I make them; however, despite their validity, the fact remains that my main problem is that there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to get everything done that I would like to.

In all seriousness though, I am behind in a few of my projects whose deadlines are looming over me. I have been neglecting a myriad of things this past little while and I am going to change that. I have time to write; I really do, I just use that time to do other, less important things. There are so many writing opportunities out there that are passing me by because I have my head buried in my silly full-time job that I am unhappy with. Ugh. I don't want to go back into all that. Enough moaning about shit I can't change right now. Time to make my personal time count for something.

Tonight is all about catching up, or at least making a plan to do so. Or maybe just thinking about making a plan to do it. Then again, maybe I'll just do it tomorrow after a good night's sleep....

This Time Will Be Different, I Swear

Last night was my first shift back at the strip club I tended bar at roughly two years ago. I was asked to pick up a couple of shifts here and there, and because I am friends with most of the waitstaff I agreed. Doesn't hurt that the money is really good, either. It was weird for about the first hour and then it was like a fog lifted and I got into a rhythm. See, the tricky part here is that people move around within the club, so when someone at table 41 orders a beer, they may not stay at table 41 and it's up to you to find them, give them their beer, and get paid. I quickly remembered how I did this before and the night was a success, if you want to measure it in money and forget about such things as not spending time time with loved ones or sleep.

I am at my day job right now and while I am not doing too badly, I wonder how the fuck I did this before. I worked two full time jobs: a typical 9a-5p shift at a respectable office and a 7p-2a shift 5 times a week at the club. I had money because I didn't have time to spend it. My life is different now in that I don't want to kill myself working two jobs just to have money in the bank. That way lies madness, and I have more than enough of that already without adding sleep deprivation to the mix.

For now I am content with working a shift or two a week. With the amount of people on the roster, I can't imagine I would get any more that anyway and that suits me just fine. My writing is going strong and I am hoping to have my book ready to submit by the end of next week. Fingers crossed; they asked for it so hopefully they will like what I have written.

I am tired but I feel like things are moving in the right direction. I have made a few major decisions this past week and I am confident in what I have chosen to do with my life and the direction in which I wish to go. That's one thing I will say about life; it's never boring as long as you are willing to put forth an effort.