An Update

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. The awesome apartment I was to move into has turned out to be not-so awesome and I am on the hunt for a new place that will not entice people to try and kick in my door. My knee is healing well; although it still is not good, I can at least walk on it and take my pants off without BG having to shield his eyes from the hideous bruising. Work is incredibly busy and school is not going well because of my lack of concentration and the missed classes.

I am on the verge of moving yet still in limbo until I hear from my prospective new landlord. This is the part that I cannot stand: the waiting and the not-knowing. I am not the most patient person at the best of times and now because I am so stressed out it's even worse. Thankfully, my friends and family have gathered around me to help out with packing up two apartments, arranging to drive a cube van, and trying to find alternate homes for my cats.

Because of the situation I am heading into, I can't take them with me. Enough said. I am trying to deal with it the best way I can which means I am drinking too much and not getting enough sleep. It is the middle of November and I need to be out of both my apartments in less than 2 weeks. I don't know where I am going yet, and although I have put money down on a place there is no guarantee I will get it. I have been sleeping at BG's house and while that's good, I can't stay there indefinitely. No one minds me being there, I just feel like I am intruding.

I am frustrated, exhausted, and I need another good cry. Last week I had a meltdown and BG told me that he was surprised at how long it took before I finally broke. I am not proud of that; I think it's a bit scary that I can do that kind of thing. Anyway, I had a really good hiccupping cry while he held me and then that was it. A few tears since then, but no further breakdowns.

Of course, that could all change depending on whether or not I get this apartment.

I've Done It

I signed up for the 'write a novel in 30 days' challenge. Not sure when I am going to be able to fit writing 1700 words a day into my schedule but I plan to try. The problem is, I have no plot. I have a title, but no plot. I have a few ideas which I aim to try and flesh out before Sunday, the day this all starts, and we'll see how it goes. The main thing I am trying to do here is to get back into the routine of writing each day. Due to my injury and school and the overload at work, I haven't had much time to do what I love. Ah...yes. The injury. Since I am actually writing this at work instead of preparing a report that is due in five minutes, I will go into gory details once I get home and have access to the gross pictures of my injury.

Seriously. Really gross.

Cannot wait to show you.

Time is Fun When You're Having Flies

I have been having so much fun juggling school and work that I have neglected my blog. The trouble now is, what do I say? What do I tell you about? Should I even try?

I vote no. Clearly it wasn't important enough to jot down a few sentences, so why go to the trouble of looking for something to write about. Those in my life know what I've been doing; and anyone who isn't probably doesn't give a shit about what I do with my time.

So. What now? Do I tell you about the awesome plans I have for this weekend? Do I let on that I am fighting the mother of all flu's and I am hacking up a lung as Iwrite this? Do I go on and on about my new apartment that I am in the process of getting? What about school? Who wants to hear about my adventures in college? No one?

Didn't think so.

Let's Talk, Shall We?

Today would have been my father's birthday if he hadn't taken his own life years ago. While I am no longer angry at him for denying me the possiblility of reconciliation, I am rather put off at the mess he left behind. The mess being me.

I have struggled with the possiblility that my father didn't like me very much both as a child and later as a young adult for most of my life. Now that this possibility has been confirmed to me in countless ways by various people, all that information really does is strengthen my resolve to be a better person. I spent many years wondering why he didn't like me only to find out that it due to my gender. The idea that if I had been born a male he might have accepted me just breaks my heart and at this point in my life I really don't need that kind of grief. I have a different way of looking at it.

I was a straight-A student in school because my father thought I was stupid. I went out of my way to show him that although I am a girl, I am his girl and was different. I didn't get into trouble like some of the girls in my school. I studied the television shows he watched, read the same books he did (when he wasn't looking because they were too 'old' for me), searching for a way to connect with him and was finally rewarded one evening with an invitation to sit with him and watch one of his favourite shows.

He is the main reason I am so stubborn. I went out of my way to show him that I am smart, talented, and worthy of his love. I am convinced that he loved me and just was not strong enough to show it. When he died and Iwent up to the house to begin taking care of things, I came across something that he had locked away in his strong box: a tiny glass bottle tied with a pink ribbon that contained my baby teeth. I held that bottle for hours, sobbing. I cried not only because he was gone, but because when I should have pushed him I didn't and I let our relationship go.

My father was a lot of things to a great many people. He taught me a great deal about a lot of different things; things that I didn't even know I had learned until I pulled the information out of my memory when I needed it. Perhaps he could have gone about things differently in terms of his treatment of me however the end result is something I know he would be proud of. How could he not be proud of me? I have his eyes, and they are fantastic.

Cake-y Goodness and some Skool

I just finished my lunch. I am reasonably content and full, yet my eyes keep straying to the piece of cake I brought with me. This piece of cake that was cut from a larger cake that a boy made for me. That's right. A whole cake made for me and I haven't shared it with anyone because it's that good.

Why am I talking about cake? Because work is so stressful right now that I need to switch off for a while and the only way I can do that is to talk about mundane things like cake. It's chocolate and decorated with peanut butter m&m's. He was going to put more candy on it but then realized that the candy would overwhelm the actual cake. Single tear.

School started this week and I have already managed to ostracize myself. I am taking a grammar course and when the prof asked the class how many of us are writers, I was the only one who raised their hand. Instant Keno. He focused on me for the remainder of the class, much to the disdain of a girl who was trying so hard to be the centre of attention.

Alright cake, you win. I will stop this now.

Hmmm....

One of the things I enjoy most about writing my blog is the reactions I get. Sometimes it takes a bit of time for other people's feelings to make their way to me, but they always do and I am always astounded at how people interpret my words. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, there will always be a group of people ready to spring into action and twist things around to suit whatever mood they happen to be in at that particular moment. I know this, and I accept it.

A few things have happened recently to make me think long and hard about what I'm doing. The choices I have made recently are turning out to be exactly what I need at this moment; from reconnecting with friends I thought were long-gone to meeting new people to starting school next week. I understand that my happiness at this moment stings others who are no longer as close to me as they once were, yet I am not disturbed by that. When I hear of others moving on and achieving success, my first thoughts are congratulatory, not bitter. I don't want the people around me to fail, I want them to succeed and do well at whatever they want to do and when they are happy, I want them to stay that was for a reasonable amount of time. Everything ebbs, everything flows and so it goes.

I realize that my language at times is confusing and, for those who don't know me, downright abrasive. Keep in mind that these are my feelings, and I am allowed to have them and express them even if they don't mirror yours. The fact that I am happy should be something for others to see and recognize and applaud, as it has been quite some time since this has happened. The fact that my happiness coincides with previous choices I made should not take away from the overall message that even someone as surly as me can be happy. You just have to be willing to work for it.

Make up Your mind Already

So now I'm flip-flopping on the whole invitation-only thing. When I initially closed off my blog, it was because I felt it would upset the boy to read about my exploits as they are no longer about him. Not that I devoted my entire blog to spouting endless amounts of verbiage about him because I didn't. The fact is, things have changed, and my feelings on this have also changed because now I don't care. Not because I'm heartless; anyone who knows me that I am deeply emotional and terribly romantic, but because I feel that it's my right to talk about what's going on in my life without worrying about anyone's reaction. For example, the reaction that will come my way regarding the next paragraph as soon as this blog is made public again.

Last night I had a fantastic chat with a lady I haven't seen in over a year because of her fractured friendship with the boy. I am not making that up or casting blame; that is the truth and she said it to my face. I went to her house and we sat and talked for hours about everything that had happened in the past year or so and in the end realized that we never really stopped being friends. We didn't talk, true, but that hasn't seemed to hinder the friendship. While it will take some time before we are completely comfortable being around each other again, it was nice to finally be able to say all the things I have wanted to directly to her.

This week has been great for me. Not only have I managed to convince myself that two more cats are good idea ( just for a month, they need a home and they are brothers and adorable and oh god I'm turning into the crazy cat-lady), I have come up with a game plan for school. I have decided that I need to go back, there's no resisting it anymore. My boss has offered to pick up half the tab as the prgram directly relates to my job, so there's no excuse for me to not go, except that I am oh-so very lazy and am dreading the first day of school shenanigans.

I am in a very good place in my life, and I would not have been able to come this far so quickly without the love and support of my brothers and best friends. You guys have been so great, and so patient with me as I floundered trying to be courageous and make the changes that I needed so very much in my life. My oath to all of you is that I swear to always be worthy of your love, trust and friendship.

And with that, I am going to re-open my blog. See you guys on the flip side.

Kisses.