22 Jan 2010

It's Official

I have completely lost my mind. I woke up partway through the night convinced it was Saturday and proceeded to turn off my alarm. I woke up again a bit later and panicked because I could not remember what day it was. After consulting my phone, I had to set my alarm again to make sure I woke up and went into work. I hate it when my brain gets reality and fantasy confused.

This is not the first time I have done this and I suspect it will only get worse because I am also starting to see things. Strange things. Perhaps it's a mixture of lack of REM sleep and too much caffeine, but I am seeing dragons on the subway. Not Smaug dragons, more like fledglings. I see them curled up under seats, cracking open yellow eyes to glare at me when I stare. Dragons hate bad manners and apparently staring open-mouthed is rude. I can't help it, I've never seen a dragon before.

Hmm. I suppose there is a rational explanation for all this and I suspect it may involve time off work and a bit of a rest. One thing truly concerns me though; if I can no longer see the dragons, does that mean they aren't there anymore?

20 Jan 2010

Update...Because You Want To Know

The past little while has been an absolute maelstrom of activity. I am exhausted and in desperate need of a vacation. I have been informed that there is no way I will be able to take any vacation time for at least six months, and that got me thinking about my job and where it's going.

I have a great job and I love the challenges I face each day. I have been given certain opportunities that I may not have been able to pursue had I chosen to work in another position elsewhere. I am very dedicated to my work and to the people I work with. I am, however, beginning to find myself in a unique spot. I have made enough contacts at this job to allow me to go further in my career, only if I want to. And right now, I am tired. No furthering of the career today for October. She needs sleep.

Not much of an update, but there you go. I have written so much in the past little while that I feel as though I have used up my monthly allotment of words.

That's all.

8 Jan 2010

That's Better

I have been meaning to do this for a while and just have not been able to do so. I just deleted a whole bunch of people from Facebook that I no longer talk to. Why have people on there that I don't talk to? Why belong to groups that no longer want me in them? Clearly I will never see them again and will never be invited to join in their activities so why even bother to get updates on things that I cannot go to?

I seem to be going through a bit of a housekeeping phase. There are quite a few people that I used to hang out with on a regular basis that no longer seem to want to be around me. I am okay with that; I just needed to clean house so that I could move on.

Things feel less crowded in my brain without all those negative thoughts about coulda, shoulda, woulda racing around. I am one of those people who normally needs closure; however, in this case I am going to make an exception. I am not going to bother these people anymore, nor do I expect any kind of response from them. This is your chance to walk away scot-free if you want to. You guys know who you are.

You're free.

7 Jan 2010

Take That, Self Esteem

For the majority of my adult life, I have had black hair. It has become a part of me, part of my identity, and part of my armor when facing things that I didn't want to deal with. My hair colour has also been, in my opinion, a factor in keeping my secret self safe from harm because it has acted as a deterrent for most people. It's no secret that the first impression of a female with jet-black hair and tattoos is not a favourable one, and for many years I bought into that. I blamed a lot of my social awkwardness on the stereotype of my appearance. Sound ridiculous? Think about it; almost every woman has a totem that always makes her feel powerful and untouchable. Mine was black hair.

Deciding to change my hair colour was a difficult one. After having black hair for so long, it's hard for me to reconcile having a different colour. In the past when I've tried to do this I have always ended up dyeing my hair back to black in an effort to recapture something I thought I'd lost. I thought that my identity was tied directly to the image I was portraying; the image of the tough, no-nonsense chick with an attitude. Not that that image no longer applies; it certainly does. I just no longer feel the need to beat people over the head with how hard-core I am because they will find out one way or another.

Changing my hair has allowed me to let go of a lot of baggage that has been troubling me for years. Sounds strange, I know, but because I have changed my outward appearance, I feel more comfortable letting go of things. I no longer check my email thinking I will hear from people I haven't heard from in months because now it doesn't matter. They will either contact me or not. It's not up to me and I am fine with that. It isn't that I don't care about them, I just can't invest anymore emotion in something that isn't going to pan out.

All this because of a hair colour change? That's right. Now get out of my way; I have a world to conquer.

5 Jan 2010

Starbucks Did It, Not Me

It was supposed a simple coffee. A quick cup of coffee with my friend who just received some pretty good news. I invited BG to join us and when we arrived at the Starbucks, there wasn't anywhere to sit. So you see, when we ended up at the pub it wasn't our fault at all. If there had been room, we would have enjoyed coffee. Instead, we got hammered on a school night.

I just can't do stuff like that anymore. My job demands my full and complete concentration and when I go out for a few drinks at the end of a long day, it really messes me up. BG and I looked at each other this morning and promised each other we wouldn't do that again on a school night.

The fact that we went drinking on a Monday isn't the worst part. After drinking, the three of us went to another friend's house and did a podcast - that was the worst part. I know for a fact that I made a complete ass out of myself and that at one point, I was told to ease up on the geekiness. That was in relation to my outburst regarding the outrageousness of Stephanie Brown (aka the new Batgirl, former Spoiler, former Robin, etc.) not making an appearance in any of the Blackest Night books. I then justified my outburst by comparing her to the rest of resurrected heroes that are being targeted by Necron and was met with stony silence. I believe it was at that moment that I realized I am damn lucky to not only have a boyfriend, but to have one who also reads comics and gives me noogies when I get out of control.

Bottom line: our usual Starbucks needs to be bigger.