Make up Your mind Already

So now I'm flip-flopping on the whole invitation-only thing. When I initially closed off my blog, it was because I felt it would upset the boy to read about my exploits as they are no longer about him. Not that I devoted my entire blog to spouting endless amounts of verbiage about him because I didn't. The fact is, things have changed, and my feelings on this have also changed because now I don't care. Not because I'm heartless; anyone who knows me that I am deeply emotional and terribly romantic, but because I feel that it's my right to talk about what's going on in my life without worrying about anyone's reaction. For example, the reaction that will come my way regarding the next paragraph as soon as this blog is made public again.

Last night I had a fantastic chat with a lady I haven't seen in over a year because of her fractured friendship with the boy. I am not making that up or casting blame; that is the truth and she said it to my face. I went to her house and we sat and talked for hours about everything that had happened in the past year or so and in the end realized that we never really stopped being friends. We didn't talk, true, but that hasn't seemed to hinder the friendship. While it will take some time before we are completely comfortable being around each other again, it was nice to finally be able to say all the things I have wanted to directly to her.

This week has been great for me. Not only have I managed to convince myself that two more cats are good idea ( just for a month, they need a home and they are brothers and adorable and oh god I'm turning into the crazy cat-lady), I have come up with a game plan for school. I have decided that I need to go back, there's no resisting it anymore. My boss has offered to pick up half the tab as the prgram directly relates to my job, so there's no excuse for me to not go, except that I am oh-so very lazy and am dreading the first day of school shenanigans.

I am in a very good place in my life, and I would not have been able to come this far so quickly without the love and support of my brothers and best friends. You guys have been so great, and so patient with me as I floundered trying to be courageous and make the changes that I needed so very much in my life. My oath to all of you is that I swear to always be worthy of your love, trust and friendship.

And with that, I am going to re-open my blog. See you guys on the flip side.

Kisses.

Some Clarification

I feel the need to explain a few things. While it's true that the boy actually physical left my apartment at the end of June, we had not been a couple for quite some time. Our lives were going in two very different directions and I needed to make a change in my life to be happy. Part of my search for happiness included him leaving. I needed him to leave my personal space and I also had to make sure that I kept myself happy rather than rely on someone else to provide it for me.

There has been a fair amount of resentment on his part, and since making my blog invitation-only I can finally safely talk about it. Some of his emails to me have been rife with venom, to the point where I marveled at my decision to date him in the first place. We have gone back and forth about why we decided to date and why he decided to move in and it all comes back to the same thing: he blames me. Apparently, the boy hasn't a thought in his head and it's all because I insisted he move in and I insisted we date. I have another idea.

When I left my husband last year, I was an absolute mess. His infidelity did a number on my ego and left me feeling as though this was all my fault. As I worked through it, I found that it wasn't my fault he made the choice he did: his insecurity abut being married to someone as phenomenal as me enabled him to choose another, lessor, woman. Starting a new relationship with someone I have known for years should have worked. It honestly should have. The fact that it didn't leads me to one conclusion: I chose the wrong person.

I am fine with that, because I have corrected the problem now and am quite happy with the way things are going in my life. I am fully capable of having a healthy relationship, I just need to find the right person to share my life with. 

Interesting Stuff

The past week or so has been filled with emotion. Possibly even fraught with it. Some of it is good, most of it is bad. I find myself constantly repeating myself to those who claim to listen. I have had to deal with upheaval at work, the possibility of not being able to afford go back to school as planned and the reality of the need for a second job. While I realize that only a few people know precisely what's going on with me personally, I still find it very discouraging that some people think my life is a breeze and things are working out perfectly for me.

Umm. What the eff?

True, I have made a few decisions in the past little while that may have raised more than one eyebrow, however not one person has asked me why I made those decisions. Instead, I receive emails full of anger and conflicting sentences that I am supposed to be able to understand. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this while I am still stinging from the awful emails, but like I have always said, this is my blog and if you don't like it, don't read it. If something here upsets you because you think I'm talking about you, instead of whining about it to other people so that it eventually makes it way back to me, just ask me. So much easier and so much less drama that way. Unless of course that's the point.

I am tired of trying to make sure everyone else around me is taken care of. When I first started out on this journey, there were quite a few people supporting me and encouraging me to take the necessary steps. Now, a couple of them have decided that it was just a way for me to cull my group, so to speak, and that now my life is absolutely rosy because they are not as involved in my life as they once were. Smell that? That's the odor of bullshit, folks.

I could explain further but what's the point? It's just going to be taken out of context at a later date and thrown right back at me. If I have learned anything in these past few weeks, it's that those who tell you to go and do what you need to in order to be happy don't really mean it. After all, why would anyone want to watch someone else go and be happy, even if they've worked their ass off and deserve it? Better to make sure they stay down in the shit with everyone else, because truly, that's what friends are for.

One Cat Closer to Craziness

Due to the ferocious nocturnal activities Oscar gets up to, I have decided to get him a companion. It was to the point where I would wake up every hour and a half to something breaking or him jumping over me or some other feline act of ridiculousness. I contacted the shelter where I got Oscar and asked them some questions about how he was with other cats. I did not want to put him through any unnecessary stress if he wasn't good around other cats; I would put up with his shenanigans in that case. The shelter told me he was great with other cats and that in fact there was a cat that needed a home. The woman told me that I could foster this cat until it was clear whether or not Oscar would accept her. So I went and got her.

Meet Daphne. She is 10 months old and very friendly. Her purr is very loud and rumbly.  She loves sitting on laps and is very talkative. She and Oscar are becoming more friendly as time passes. She already has marked out her spot and each time I pass her she reached out her little paw and touches me, as if to remind me that she is there and needs some love. While she isn't exactly the type of cat you can pick up and carry around, she does enjoy human contact. Like most cats, that human contact is on her terms. And that's okay by me.

I know that I am one cat closer to being the crazy cat lady and that is fine with me.  Apparently though, the magic number is five. Since I have two already, I still have time.