TV Can Suck My Balls

I work very hard every day. Most days I can't leave my office until after 5pm because I'm wrapping up a task that needs to be finished before my OCD will allow me to leave for the day. I come home, make dinner, do some writing and then go to bed. Not exactly an exciting existence, but one that works for me. I hardly ever watch tv as I find it too distracting when I'm trying to complete a story or whatever I happen to working on. Tonight though I thought I would see what's on the tube and boy was I ever disappointed. 

Why do I have cable? Why do I pay for HD digital stuff when there's nothing on? I keep hearing about all these great shows but you know what? They aren't on when I'm available and I refuse to be a slave to PVR. I spent my night online, surfing sites and gathering information for a book I'm writing. Fuck you, tv. I have the internet, and as long as I have that I don't need you and your plethora of commercials for useless items that you try and make me buy.

Although my cable is provided by the same people who give me the internet...

Crap.

So Much Baggage

One thing I would like, if I were granted three wishes, would be to be able to leave my baggage behind and enjoy my life. I'm finding this difficult, and I fear that I might be sabotaging something fantastic in my life all because I am stubborn and cannot let go of things that have happened in the past that I cannot change.

I ruined a great night last night because of my inability to see that things that were should be left in the past. Close the door, write 'The End' on that chapter and move forward. Looking back does nothing except remind you of painful experiences that should be dealt with and then put away. Kind of like laundry, but with sharper edges. Oh, and laundry doesn't make me weep into my pillow alone and uncomforted because I've driven my wonderful partner onto the couch with my ridiculousness.

I'm thinking it might be time to revisit some of this. Obviously I still have a lot to deal with and it is completely unfair of me to think that just because I say I have dealt with my marriage breaking up and my painful childhood doesn't make it true. I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that everything is okay when clearly it isn't. I have a good life with someone who loves me and is trying so hard to help me and all I want to do is make him leave so I can say I was right in believing that I don't deserve to be happy.

I am at my wit's end. This cannot continue and I don't know what to do to make myself stop making all the good things in my life disappear.

Perfect 10

Today I decided to try something new. I saw that I needed to dye my hair but I have been becoming increasingly more frustrated with the damage being done to my hair each time I do it. I have been trying to grow my hair and I've been doing a good job at taking care of it and resisting the ever-growing urge to cut it all off, but after each session with the bottle of dye, my hair feels dry. So I got a bright idea.

I've been seeing these commercials for Clairol's Perfect 10 and thought maybe I'd try it out. After all, a hair dye that will dye my hair uniformly and evenly while leaving my hair soft and shiny? All in 10 minutes? Sounded to good to be true. 

I pulled the bottles out of the package and studied them. Simple enough to use, after all it's not like I've never done this before. What confused me was the weird attachment that came with it: sort of a comb-like thing that is supposed to draw colour through the lengths of your hair. I threw that out. I attached the normal application tip and mixed the colour with the developer. It took me a few minutes to apply it, because like I've mentioned before I've been doing this for years, and I set the timer. The first thing I noticed was the mixture was a little thinner than I'm used to, but it didn't smell as bad as some of the other brands I've used. Once I set the timer, I went back into the bathroom and used a baby-wipe to clean up my hair line and by the time that was done it was time to rinse my hair.

I noticed that my hair was a lot more dry and coarse when I finished rinsing it. Not happy about that. I added the conditioner that the box of hair dye provided and left it on for about five minutes. Once I rinsed it off and towel dried my hair, it became apparent that my hair would not be softer even though the dye was only on my hair for 10 minutes. No magic in the box at all. Although I am happy with the colour and the lack of staining (dyeing your hair black for years teaches you all about staining and using old towels for washing your hair), the ends of my hair are still dry.

Bottom line is this: although the dye didn't stay on for the normal 30 minutes that other dyes do, it still didn't make my hair soft. I guess what I want is perfect hair. I paid for perfect 10 and got a mediocre 6. Next time I'm going to Aveda.