A Word About Astronauts

Last night I had the pleasure of seeing Col. Chris Hadfield (ret.) speak at a book launch. I have to say, I came away with a few strange feelings.

He talked about his childhood dream of becoming an astronaut after watching footage of men walking on the moon. He has spent his whole life pursuing his dream and at the age of 32, 23 years after he saw Neil Armstrong take that first step, he accomplished his dream and became an astronaut.   

That both inspires and terrifies me. My dreams aren't as lofty or as robust: I understand that people have different things they want to accomplish within their lifetime and I am certainly not comparing myself to him in that regard. What struck me though, what really hit home and resonated within me, was one particular thing he said during the interview:

'We have all been given a very precious gift; the gift of life. If you don't follow your dreams and make them happen, you do a great disservice to those who would help you achieve your goals.'   

That gave me pause. I never thought about it like that. Now, I recognize that writing and walking in space are two very different things, but at the same time, they really aren't. His dream was to walk in space; mine is to write. I have started to accomplish that goal, albeit in tiny steps, and being able to quit my job and write full time is something that I am working towards. 

In other words, the spaceman gave me a thumb's up regarding my life choices. 

Oh Boy!

A lot has happened in the past little while. The biggest thing is going to happen in about 45 minutes when I meet with a couple of gamers who have built their own gaming system. They want me to write the accompanying gaming books that go along with it. I will be writing  characters, developing back stories, and coming up with story lines to be later developed into modules for the system. AND I will be involved with game-testing.

Wow. I can't even describe this.

But wait, there's more. A prominent pop-culture website just asked me to write for them as well, and while I can't say who yet, I can tell you that it's super-cool. Add to that the fact that I am also developing content and stories for a local comic book publisher and I am all of a sudden really busy with some amazing new projects.

My day job is going down the tubes as there is nothing challenging about chaotic days. My days are so busy with ridiculous work that include duplicated tasks, mostly because of lack of follow-through from co-workers. I am stressed out every time I walk through the door and it's great to know that soon I will be able to work on something other than this.

I am happy and excited. So good to be doing something other than PR.

Stop the World Please, I'd Like to Get Off

I am exhausted. This is apparently our 'slow time' and honestly, I am barely keeping it together.

Last week started with one of our senior people resigning. This week is looking like we are going to lose more people; my boss has 'chats' scheduled and I have no idea what that means.

I am confident in my position and know that my work is exemplary; I have no fear of being told I am no longer needed. I am doing my best to keep everyone positive and level-headed and to be honest, I am not sure that that is part of my job.

I have always sought to make sure that things are calm and that people are happy. Lately though, there has been a cloud over the office that I cannot get rid of despite my best intentions. 

In the end things will either get better or not with the senior person leaving. Perhaps with less stress in the office, we can all go back to doing our jobs. I know I'd like that. I am not a fan of drama, especially when it can be avoided.

I am also going to start drinking at work. That should be a thing.

Confusion is Not Good, But it Can be Helpful

I spend a lot of my time wandering around trying to figure things out. Part of this is due to my stubborn streak: I would much rather work through a problem on my own than ask for input. Last thing I need is another viewpoint getting all up in my grill and ruining my thought process.

I am learning that sometimes it's okay to hear another side. Sometimes another voice brings clarity and focus where there was only chaos and other times it adds to the confusion. Having said that, the times where things become clearer are not necessarily better: I can remember being told that my method of performing a task was sorely lacking and was provided with examples of how I could do it better. Even more to the point, I was given the name and number of an ex who had performed the act 'exquisitely' and was told that I could get some pointers. Crystal-fucking-clear. 

I appreciate when people try and help by sharing their experiences but understand that I will most likely not listen. #truth

I don't prefer to live in chaos; I prefer a more controlled existence with the occasional upset accompanied by tears and/or make up sex.

Look, it's Monday and I am tired and I am doing my best to be witty and write something clever. It isn't happening so I am going to go and day-drink.

You heard me.

Torn

Superman has always troubled me. It's not that I don't like him; I understand why his character is important to the Justice League and I get why his story is attractive. We've all had instances where we've wanted to find out that the people we live with weren't our real family and that we were placed with them in order to protect us until we were old enough to do whatever it is our real family thinks we should.

That was a really long sentence. 

What I struggle with  in this particular case is the sense of wrongness of the character. He's too strong. Like when Kyle Rayner  became Ion and took care of universe- and galaxy-wide conflict and injustice merely by thinking about it and the rest of the heroes sat back and twiddled their thumbs. Too much power in one character is, to me, boring. 

If I feel this way, then why did I like the movie so damn much? I'll tell you.

The 'Man of Steel' movie didn't delve into the whole 'falling from the stars' crap. It immediately went into the present and used flashbacks to show the audience the types of things young Clark dealt with growing up. It focused on him being taught the basics of human behaviour while ensuring his safety until the world was ready for him.

Yes, he slipped a few times. Yes, people thought he was a little strange. But he managed to hold all of that in until he was ready to face who he was. Watching his first foray into flight was both touching and a little sad. It was then that you could see he would always be alone, that there was no one who could ever come close to doing what he can do.

That kind of character breeds resentment and loneliness, which is why they introduce Lois into his life as a partner. She is the one who can help him figure out the rest of his destiny. Although she doesn't have any superpowers, she is fierce and dedicated to truth, which is not unlike other members of the Justice League. As an award-winning reporter she puts herself in harm's way in order to find out the real story so that she can bring it to the rest of the world.

I still don't like Superman very much but I will say this: I enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would. I am not rushing out to buy Superman comics, but I am interested to see if they progress his character in future films.

I Am So Tired

I have an extremely glamorous job. One of the things I am responsible for is making sure people don't freak out when shit hits the fan.

Today the shit hit the fan. It  hit so hard and with so much force, it was epic. 

I have an event tomorrow night that has been the bane of my existence. The planning involves equipment being shipped from all over the world, coordinating people on stationary bikes, LED lights, a giant hamster wheel, and lots of things I am not remembering. There are alcohol sponsors, dry-ice seared food, and a world-famous DJ. It's going to be absolutely fantastic.

Weather report calls for rain all day tomorrow. Torrential rain.

Did I mention that the party takes place on the top of a parking garage?

Fuck.

I just found out that the elevator in the parking lot is not working and with the elevator contractors on strike, we currently have no way to get all the equipment and food supplies to the top of the roof for the rain-party.

Double-fuck.

There is more bullshit but to be honest, I can't even get into it. I am sitting here typing this and listening to people in my office lose their shit as other things fall apart.

Time to go to work and patch this shit up.

Peace. 

I am Having a Moment

I met Sigourney Weaver.

You heard me.

Met her, talked with her, had my picture taken with her.

Wow.

That's all I can say right now.

Wake Up

Every morning I wake up and try to find a reason to get out of bed. I mean, I have a job and know that I have to get up but there are times where I lay in bed and mentally list the reasons why I should get up. Here are a few:

1. I probably have to pee because I haven't all night and my bladder is probably full.

2. Daphne and Oscar are hungry and/or sitting on my chest restricting my breathing.

3. Someone texted and I have to see who it is and what they want because I NEED TO KNOW NOW.

4. I have new pants/shoes/shirt I should take the tags off and wear.

5. I am hungry and there is leftover Swiss Chalet in the fridge. 

After I figure it all out and convince myself that I should get up, it's smooth sailing from there. The rest of the day usually flows by and then it starts over the next morning. Which is why I am thinking that I should make a huge list and put it on the ceiling so that when I open my eyes it's right there and I don't have to think.

Flaw: I doubt I will be able to convince my husband that it isn't weird and that it's perfectly normal to have things like that on the ceiling. 

I didn't used to have trouble getting out of bed. There was a time when I would wake up before the alarm went off and I bounded up and out and showered and ate breakfast and everything with enough time to saunter to the subway. Now it's a mad dash: the alarm goes off and I reset it. The new time does not leave me enough time to have breakfast; I barely have time to shower. I do this every morning and I cannot seem to snap out of it. I go to bed at a reasonable time and as far as I know I sleep pretty well. 

Sigh.

I have to figure this out. I am getting really tired of the morning scramble.

Guess What? I'm Still Hot.

I recently discovered something that made me both love and hate myself. I have spent so much time trying not to be angry about things that are beyond my control simply because there is not point. I thought I was doing very well at controlling my anger. I thought that my new-found calm was something I could count on.

Nope.

I am still angry. I am still simmering, still just holding it back, still just tempering the fury every day. Is there a reason? Most likely. For the most part though, I don't really want to find out. I'll be even more angry to discover that this whole time I've been angry over something I should have let go of years ago.

Which is precisely the root of my anger.

Goddammit.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just take a deep breath and 'let go of the negativity'? Because I believe in fairness, and life is not fair.

And that sucks.

I try very hard to do the right thing and treat people correctly and fairly and I feel like there are times when I am targeted because of that. People have taken advantage of me in the past and continue to try and do so. I have managed to cut most of those types of people out of my life, but every now and again they sneak back in. And then I get angry with them for doing it and myself for allowing it to happen again.

I am just tired of it. The solution has not made itself known to me yet and I will continue to be angry until it does. 

Hello Tuesday

Imagine going through a week of being completely and totally honest with everyone you came in contact with. Seriously; close your eyes and imagine scenarios and situations where you would be able to be sincere in your honesty. Watch as the people you are in contact with first look at you in disbelief at what you've said, then watch that disbelief turn to anger when they understand what you've said. 

No one wants to hear the truth from you or anyone else. They are completely content to go through their lives with blinders on completely oblivious to anything outside their immediate scope of perception. Read: if it don't concern 'em, they ain't concerned.

I just made that up. I think. Anyway.

That's scary shit right there.

I can count the number of times I felt able to be completely honest with someone other than my husband on one hand and a have a finger or two left over. Not because I've lied to them; rather, the situation called for something more delicate than brutal honesty. Perhaps if I'd been more honest I might have been able to salvage a friendship or two along the way. Perhaps. Those things will usually happen regardless of how much effort is put into them and I suspect those friendships would have collapsed anyhow.

I have always tried my best to be a strong person and to be the one who tells it like it is without being nasty about it. Lately though, I have discovered a certain freedom in being absent from those instances that would require that kind of performance from me. I have encouraged others to rely less on me and more on themselves and their partners, to be more blunt. And I really like how it's turning out.

Let's face it, I am probably not the best person to be doling out advice. I am in a steady stream of constantly making mistakes and figuring out how to fix them without anyone noticing. People like me should be studied. 

(insert witty ending paragraph here... maybe. If I can think of one. If not, just leave in and confuse people)

Turning a Negative Into a Positive

I have been working on a project that has pretty much taken over my life. Last week, I was able to finally finish it off only to be told on Monday that it wasn't good enough and had to be re-done.

I am trying to remain calm and positive but the reality of it is that I feel as though everyone involved, except my boss, pretty much sat back and watched me do this without offering any sort of assistance just so they could tell me I did it wrong. I know that isn't what happened and that I am most likely taking it personally (a huge no-no) but it's upsetting to me on a variety of different levels.

At the planning stage, long before any actions were taken, decision were made by the client with regards to the project. I had zero opportunity to input my opinions; I just showed up at the meetings and made sure that the information they were referencing was accurate. When all the decisions were made, nobody stepped up to implement the project. My boss and I shrugged and did our best to make it all happen.

And that's where we went wrong.

We should have pushed back and insisted that the appropriate people (cough, marketing, cough) take charge in implementing the project. In not doing so, we opened ourselves up to criticism and allowed ourselves to be made into scapegoats.

The lesson I learned from this? Push back when you don't feel comfortable being handed a project you have zero experience in handling. I should have offered my assistance and not allowed myself to be made the person responsible for the entire thing.

Having said that, I am totally dyeing my hair tonight. What does that have to do with the rest of my post? Absolutely nothing. I just wanted to get it out there.

Weird Stuff...I Guess?!

The weirdest thing has happened. I say 'weirdest' because quite frankly, I don't know how else to process it. Maybe I should have used a thesaurus but I was lazy and went with weirdest. Whatever.

I never thought of myself as drinking more than the average person. Sure, there were/are times when I over-indulge(d) but for the most part I am a responsible drinker. Part of that stems from watching my father get drunk and nasty when I was a kid: I saw that and vowed to not be that person. The other part is the headache the next day. I don't like that, and I don't like feeling as if I swallowed a pile of donkey shit.

When my husband and I went to the Bahamas last week, I became quite ill with heatstroke. Luckily it was the last day so I didn't miss anything. We had gone to an all-inclusive resort and was very impressed with the food and service. Because it was an all-inclusive, drinks were on the house. There was a temptation to get shit-faced but I didn't. I wanted to enjoy my trip.

And that's the point where I grew up.

I still had cocktails, just not a bunch. I found that after a few days of reduced drinking, and I am aware of how that makes me sound, I felt better. Once home, I continued the new behaviour and I have found that my medication is actually working. Weird, right? Medication that clearly states you should not drink actually works when you don't drink. Wow. I sleep better, eat better, and react to  people and situations better. Who knew?

I feel amazing. I feel lighter in the brain and more focused on what I want rather than reacting to what I have. I have not felt this good since being diagnosed with severe depression a few years ago.

Time for a celebratory pint. 

So Long, And Thanks For All the Fish

That's what I imagined my hair was saying when I chopped it off last week. I sat in the chair, wincing with every snip of the scissors, knowing that I would probably regret it once it was done. 

How wrong I was.

I have had short hair for a good part of my adult life. For the past two years, I have been growing my hair simply because my husband asked me to. He had never seen me with hair longer than my jawline, so I shrugged and said sure. I enjoyed having long hair right up until I no longer knew what to do with it.

I thought that I would magically be able to do all sorts of cool styles. That's what Pinterest told me, anyway. And then I realized that Pinterest is a filthy, dirty liar. All those 'how-to' guides are not meant for normal people to replicate. They are meant to be printed out and taken to a professional.

Once I made up my mind, there was no stopping me. I made the appointment, went during work hours, and came back a million times lighter. I went through a roller coaster ride of varying emotions: anger, pain, despair, doubt. I felt stupid for putting so much energy into something so trivial. Then I remembered.

Nothing is trivial.

This was, and is, something that has always been very important to me. I take pride in my appearance and am a huge fan of my hair, no matter what colour it happens to be at the moment. I was making a gigantic change both physically and, as I discovered later, emotionally.

Since my depression, I have struggled with a variety of negative thoughts and feelings. Trying to 'fix' myself has dwindled to trying to 'make do' with myself. After cutting my hair, I realized that it was more than that: it was a symbolic gesture. It wasn't just a haircut; I cut off the pain and anguish I'd felt during the past two years of my life and started over. My husband, who has been an absolute rock throughout all of it, loves my new short hair and thinks I look better with it. I agree.

Perhaps it's vanity, but if it makes me feel better in the brain-area, I am all for it. I feel like I have turned a massive corner and I am actually excited about things again. 

All that from a 'simple' haircut. 

Y'all Ready for This?

I have been doing a lot of reading on happiness and wellness and I am slowly starting to learn that not everyone is out to get me. Most are, but not every single person is. Big difference there.

Having spent much of my life looking back with regret, anger, and resentment, it's somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone. Lots of people have difficulty letting go of things: whether it's situations or people, there is always a grieving period. I've realized that I have not taken responsibility for fucking up personal relationships, nor have I placed blame on others who have caused me harm. 

My absolute truth? I have done some horrible things to people that did not deserve it. In admitting that, I step towards self-forgiveness. I cannot ask them for their pardon, and that is all right. I can no longer look back, or else I am lost. I can only move forward and hope that when faced with similar situations, I can make different choices.

Another truth? I have also done horrible things to those who DID deserve it, and although I should not play (insert deity preference here), I absolutely did and I have no regrets. Of course, it doesn't erase the other stuff and nor should it. We all should take responsibility for our actions, no matter what.

My difficulty right now is self-care. I still have issues surrounding trust and am still paranoid of lots of things. I am taking small, simple steps to try and break out of that. One of my favourite ways is the Stop, Drop and Roll method. 

Here's how it works. Say you have an unpleasant thought: could be anything from dissing someone's outfit to outright self-loathing. As soon as you are conscious of the negativity, STOP THINKING. Tricky to do when you are in the throes of self-shaming, but still. Stop thinking the thought. Then, DROP the thought by switching to something mundane like ice cream. Whatever. As long as the negative thought stays out of your mind. Then, ROLL a new thought out: could be anything, I usually choose something comic book related but that's me. 

I am learning how to deal with things and the more I read, the more I realize how much there is to learn. Lucky for me I enjoy the learning process!

I am happier, better adjusted, and willing to change. That is more than I can say for a lot of people out there... namely the ones who still wallow in their own pools of self-pity. Why wait for things to happen? Get out there and make shit happen or before you know it, you're on your deathbed thinking, 'Fuck. Why didn't I sky-dive?'

Today is the day. What will YOU do with it?

So Much Frustration

Why is it that I am constantly in a state of frustration with people around me? Why can't I just accept that people are different: they have different ways of doing things and even though those ways are not my ways, that does not mean they are wrong. Except, of course, when they are wrong.

This is normally where I would launch into a gigantic rant about people and how I wish they would just all go away because my way is obviously better and I know so much more than they do. I am not going to do that though, and not just because there is too much material for me to rant about. It's because I have learned what the rules are, or rather, what the biggest rule is.

No one really cares about anyone's situation except their own. 

The power struggles we engage in on a daily basis illustrates how delicately inferior we all feel towards one another. When you don't answer an email, the other person doesn't care that you are under deadline or dealing with a sick loved one. All they see is that you haven't answered their mundane email, and by doing so, have told them that they don't rank high enough on your radar to warrant a response.

That's fucked up, isn't it?

There are always exceptions to this, and those people who can magically understand what 'busy' means and not take offense to it are wonderful and should be cherished. 

I make sure I answer every email, even if I don't have the answer right away, to at least let the sender know that I've seen it. It's stupid and dumb and petty but saves me a shit-ton of drama that I just don't need. that way, when I do fuck up and forget something, the backlash is less harsh than it would have been if I'd been like the rest of the world and ignored them from the get-go.

I just need to get other on board with this and we'll all be just fine. But that won't happen, because of the rule. Until that changes, there's always alcohol.

Back on Track, Everybody.

Instead of making resolutions this year, I set out some firm goals that I want to complete by the end of the year. Naturally this means that there will be crying; given the demands of my new and totally amazing job, I suspect that there will be quite a few times where I will consider giving up my passion.

Of course, I am talking about writing. I have been juggling full time work, marriage, and writing and so far I have only ever been able to manage two at any given time. I have thought about this for a while now and I have figured out how to do all three without any of them suffering.

Time travel and a clone.

Hear me out.

If I could build/find/steal a time machine, I could jump back to the times where I was not doing anything and actually be productive. Having a clone would allow me to work and write at the same time. 

I know what you're thinking: what if my husband prefers the clone?

He won't, because I will make sure the clone only looks like me and works like me. It will be a stand-in for work and nothing more.

...

After thinking this through, I am scrapping the idea of a clone. I may not enjoy the world or many of the people who dwell on its surface, but I think unleashing another one of me into society is going too far. 

Seriously though, I need to carve out time for myself. That is something that I rarely do. I am usually surrounded by people and while that is good for my brain, I need to separate myself and do things for me. I love writing; I love the way words just pour out in an uneven flow. I love the act of creating, the processes that are put into play every time I sit down to write or even just talk about writing. 

Part of my strategy includes this blog. I will be striving to post on a more consistent basis and I will work on developing my website and brand. 

Time to put on my big girl pants. This is going to be my year.