I think there is something wrong with me. I have a great boyfriend who loves me, a solid job that pays my bills, and a wonderful network of wonderful people around me who care about my overall well-being. I have all these wonderful things in my life yet I am still waiting for it to fall apart.
Normally, when I'm in a good place I destroy it. I go out of my way to make sure I am unhappy so that I can turn my hands up to sky and loudly proclaim 'Oh, woe is me' to whoever will listen. This time though, something different is happening. I am still filled with equal parts dread and fear, however I am not deliberately sabotaging my life. I am going through a stage right now where I feel as though I am not quite deserving of all that I have. I keep waiting for my boyfriend to wake up and scream when he sees me lying beside him. Not that I think I am unattractive, it's that I don't quite understand why the hell he would want to be with me. I am very damaged from all the terribleness that happened before, during, and after my divorce and I am finding that my baggage from that gut-wrenchingly awful time keeps popping up at the most awkward times. As I write this, I kind of feel like crying and throwing myself off a bridge (metaphorically speaking, so don't worry guys!) just so my brain will stop whispering to me.
I am doing my best to keep a smile on my face but I am barely holding on. I am trying desperately to let go of things that are hurting me and in those attempts I am finding that there is still so much pain that needs to be dealt with. It seems like a daunting task and I am afraid if I let my mask fall just a little bit everything will fall apart and I can't let that happen.
I just want to go home and hide under my bed.
*Note: I believe a lot of this is coming from the fact that today is the anniversary of my dreams being crushed. It was 2 years ago today when it was decided there would be no reconciliation. I was shattered, both by the fact that my marriage was ending and also the reasons why it was ending. The rest of the terribleness happened shortly after and it managed to completely destroy whatever I had left of my self esteem. I must be feeling as though I am in safe place; I am allowing myself to actually go through this again in an effort to put the demons to rest. That is comforting. Still very much a shitty place to be, but comforting nonetheless.
2 comments:
There are at least two of us that you don't need to wear a mask for.
xo
Masks are horseshit. Be genuine where it is useful, which is everywhere! There is so much to be thankful for, and you DESERVE EVERY BIT OF IT!!!!!!!!! I cannot stress this enough: the good things in your life are there because you called them to you. The fact that they arrived shows your worthiness of them. Also, my sister, the Goddess evidently saw fit to help bring them to you, and Her agreement that you are worthy is of great import.
Don't worry about this stuff. It is not worth your time, and it can sabotage things for you without your consent or involvement. The bad things in your life are past, you survived, and you are still here. They were obviously not meant to destroy you, but to be used... We know how wonderful you are, and we are blessed beyond words to have the comfort of your presence in our world. Deny the dark, yes, but recall where it has brought you...the light beckons!
Post a Comment