At the risk of sounding like a teenage boy lamenting to his friends about the lack of action from his girlfriend, let me explain. Last night I was privileged to spend a few hours with a woman I don't really know very well. On a whim, I invited her over for dinner and few other friends over for movies and cocktails afterwards. She and I talked about the various things we'd each been through and seen; a sort of comparison of our accumulated scars, so to speak. There were startling similarities between our two lives which I found quite interesting. Even though we had had vastly different upbringings, attended completely opposite schools and made choices based on those two things, we had also had similar experiences with girls. As in, they suck and should be sterilized at birth. And by sterilizing I mean mouths sewn shut so they can't spew their trash-talk.
If I look hard enough and drink enough red bull and espresso, I could probably tie every major upheaval in my life back to a girl. I know for a fact that my last major emotional breakdown was directly tied to the actions of a girl. (Why am I using 'girl' when I should be using 'woman'? Because these females are not mature enough to warrant the correct term. They are still locked in grade 10, fighting to hold onto their tenuous position as 'best-looking girl in the school' or 'weirdest chick in grade 11' or whatever they think they had back then. Even though school ended many years ago, these people cannot seem to let go of certain things and accept that the world moves forward, not sideways, and pretty soon they will be in their twilight years and wonder where the time went.) Sounds crazy I know, but it's true. I know of a few others in my situation who feel the same way. People who latch onto things you are passionate about and then run with it when they see how much attention they get. It's the same shit all over again.
In my case, I was betrayed by someone who is not even on my radar anymore. Am I upset still? Hell yes. What she did to me was terrible and if I had my way I would beat the shit out of her, nurse her back to health, then beat the shit out of her again. The things she did are not easily forgotten nor are they in the realm of things a person can do to me that I can forgive. Because I am a woman and not a girl, I realize that she has her own situation that she is dealing with. She is inside her own misery that she made for herself and nothing I could ever do to her could be worse. So, I leave her to it.
Talking with other women, I am realizing more and more that girls grew up as I did: bullied by the 'pretty girls' and made to feel like a piece of shit because we read comics instead of Sweet Valley High books. It's a small group, granted, and I think that's because women are taught at an early age to try and fit in no matter the cost to their souls. Now that I am older and better positioned to defend myself, I find that the game has changed. I understand that this was bound to happen; no one can stay stagnant for too long because society pulls you along, kicking and screaming, regardless of where you want to be. I accept the truth that sometimes people just suck and I can't take it personally but I just can't figure out why girls want to hurt me so much.
Pain is part of life. I get that. What I don't get is the amount of 'we-are-all-sisters' bullshit that women throw around and then in the next breath they are fucking their best friend's husband behind her back. What exactly is that anyway? What does that show about our supposed female-solidarity?
I'l tell you what it means. It means that every woman is on her own until she can find like-minded others to surround her. That process can take years and the worst part is that even after years of being friends with someone, they can still turn on you quick as an asp. You just never know. And that, not global-warming, not food shortages, that specific truth fills me with despair every time I contemplate it. Not because of the amount of pain that it holds for me personally, but because of the fact that I can trust no woman ever again with anything close to my heart. This is the time of my life where I am supposed to have this all figured out; I am supposed to have a close circle of girlfriends that I can count on and while there are a couple of women that I hold dear, I am still wary. And that fucking sucks.
2 comments:
You'll always have me.
But global warming is pretty bad. :p
Your sister and I have pondered this very conundrum for years, and are no closer than you to achieving some kind of epiphany, beyond what you have already concluded. Strange and heartbreaking and apparently becoming worse all the time, we further suspect that the phenomenon you mention here is the sum of the irresponsible and frankly unreasonable demands placed on women, particularly in recent decades. That said, it's still irritating.
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