One thing I would like, if I were granted three wishes, would be to be able to leave my baggage behind and enjoy my life. I'm finding this difficult, and I fear that I might be sabotaging something fantastic in my life all because I am stubborn and cannot let go of things that have happened in the past that I cannot change.
I ruined a great night last night because of my inability to see that things that were should be left in the past. Close the door, write 'The End' on that chapter and move forward. Looking back does nothing except remind you of painful experiences that should be dealt with and then put away. Kind of like laundry, but with sharper edges. Oh, and laundry doesn't make me weep into my pillow alone and uncomforted because I've driven my wonderful partner onto the couch with my ridiculousness.
I'm thinking it might be time to revisit some of this. Obviously I still have a lot to deal with and it is completely unfair of me to think that just because I say I have dealt with my marriage breaking up and my painful childhood doesn't make it true. I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that everything is okay when clearly it isn't. I have a good life with someone who loves me and is trying so hard to help me and all I want to do is make him leave so I can say I was right in believing that I don't deserve to be happy.
I am at my wit's end. This cannot continue and I don't know what to do to make myself stop making all the good things in my life disappear.
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