Maybe this isn't the best time to be reflecting but I can't help it. Something about the snow and wind make me want to reflect on the past year and how terrible it started. Thinking about things like that make me feel better about where I am right now: surrounded by people who love me and care for me and cutting all those who don't out of my life to some degree.
Of ocurse, you can't always cut people out entirely. There is always overlap in every circle, and this is no different. Just because I no longer speak to someone doesn't mean I don't know what she's up to. In fact, I probably know more about her now than I did before. People may say they don't choose sides but somewhere down the road they always do.
What upsets me the most is that people talk around you but not to you. I think of how much of this high-school bullshit could have been avoided if two people had actually sat down and talked like reasonable adults. I don't care about the terrible things that are being said about me; I look at who it's coming from and I understand that that person is upset about something that has nothing to do with me. Sucks that I get burned for it but what are you going to do? I figure that in this case it was just a matter of time before something came up to make this person want to get rid of me. Don't know why she didn't just tell me to go away; that would have hurt also but at least she would have been honest with me instead of doing all this bullshit that she's doing now. Like I wouldn't find out. I always find out.
I think the most hurtful part of this is that she's been getting a mutual friend to check up on me and report back to her. I know she's been doing this ever since this whole thing started; I'm not stupid and the questions I get asked over coffee are pointed. Each time I have to steel myself for the usual barrage of meaningless banter before we get down to the nitty-gritty: which always includes this person trying to get me to say something terrible about the one who no longer speaks to me. I never do; not that I don't have nasty things to say about her. I just don't share them. I wonder though, does she know that this person is a double agent? And why do I go for coffee knowing that this is happening? Because I miss her, and hearing about what she's up to through another person is almost as good as being there. I could do without the play-by-play on how much she hates me though.
One last thought: if someone you call a friend is so willing to backstab someone for you, why wouldn't they do the same to you? What makes you so special? Bubble-bursting time: you aren't. People are telling me everything you are saying about me. Not just the one person who keeps tabs on me, but a whole lot of people that you call friends. Just remember that.
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
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