I recently discovered something that made me both love and hate myself. I have spent so much time trying not to be angry about things that are beyond my control simply because there is not point. I thought I was doing very well at controlling my anger. I thought that my new-found calm was something I could count on.
Nope.
I am still angry. I am still simmering, still just holding it back, still just tempering the fury every day. Is there a reason? Most likely. For the most part though, I don't really want to find out. I'll be even more angry to discover that this whole time I've been angry over something I should have let go of years ago.
Which is precisely the root of my anger.
Goddammit.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just take a deep breath and 'let go of the negativity'? Because I believe in fairness, and life is not fair.
And that sucks.
I try very hard to do the right thing and treat people correctly and fairly and I feel like there are times when I am targeted because of that. People have taken advantage of me in the past and continue to try and do so. I have managed to cut most of those types of people out of my life, but every now and again they sneak back in. And then I get angry with them for doing it and myself for allowing it to happen again.
I am just tired of it. The solution has not made itself known to me yet and I will continue to be angry until it does.
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