So Much Frustration

Why is it that I am constantly in a state of frustration with people around me? Why can't I just accept that people are different: they have different ways of doing things and even though those ways are not my ways, that does not mean they are wrong. Except, of course, when they are wrong.

This is normally where I would launch into a gigantic rant about people and how I wish they would just all go away because my way is obviously better and I know so much more than they do. I am not going to do that though, and not just because there is too much material for me to rant about. It's because I have learned what the rules are, or rather, what the biggest rule is.

No one really cares about anyone's situation except their own. 

The power struggles we engage in on a daily basis illustrates how delicately inferior we all feel towards one another. When you don't answer an email, the other person doesn't care that you are under deadline or dealing with a sick loved one. All they see is that you haven't answered their mundane email, and by doing so, have told them that they don't rank high enough on your radar to warrant a response.

That's fucked up, isn't it?

There are always exceptions to this, and those people who can magically understand what 'busy' means and not take offense to it are wonderful and should be cherished. 

I make sure I answer every email, even if I don't have the answer right away, to at least let the sender know that I've seen it. It's stupid and dumb and petty but saves me a shit-ton of drama that I just don't need. that way, when I do fuck up and forget something, the backlash is less harsh than it would have been if I'd been like the rest of the world and ignored them from the get-go.

I just need to get other on board with this and we'll all be just fine. But that won't happen, because of the rule. Until that changes, there's always alcohol.

Back on Track, Everybody.

Instead of making resolutions this year, I set out some firm goals that I want to complete by the end of the year. Naturally this means that there will be crying; given the demands of my new and totally amazing job, I suspect that there will be quite a few times where I will consider giving up my passion.

Of course, I am talking about writing. I have been juggling full time work, marriage, and writing and so far I have only ever been able to manage two at any given time. I have thought about this for a while now and I have figured out how to do all three without any of them suffering.

Time travel and a clone.

Hear me out.

If I could build/find/steal a time machine, I could jump back to the times where I was not doing anything and actually be productive. Having a clone would allow me to work and write at the same time. 

I know what you're thinking: what if my husband prefers the clone?

He won't, because I will make sure the clone only looks like me and works like me. It will be a stand-in for work and nothing more.

...

After thinking this through, I am scrapping the idea of a clone. I may not enjoy the world or many of the people who dwell on its surface, but I think unleashing another one of me into society is going too far. 

Seriously though, I need to carve out time for myself. That is something that I rarely do. I am usually surrounded by people and while that is good for my brain, I need to separate myself and do things for me. I love writing; I love the way words just pour out in an uneven flow. I love the act of creating, the processes that are put into play every time I sit down to write or even just talk about writing. 

Part of my strategy includes this blog. I will be striving to post on a more consistent basis and I will work on developing my website and brand. 

Time to put on my big girl pants. This is going to be my year. 

Well, Maybe Next Year

The passing of November into December marks a major milestone finished for another year: NaNoWriMo. This year, my success was not in finishing 50,000 words but in actually sitting down and plotting out a novel. A novel that I am still working on, even though I did not meet the word count for November. I was feeling a bit down about this until a very good friend of mine sent me the following message:

           'The thing a lot of people forget about NaNoWriMo is that you can also write in the other eleven months of the year. Because EVERY month is novel writing month. So yes, keep writing.'

That made me feel better. I will always try and complete the challenge every year, but I will not make it my only time to write. In fact, I have re-worked the original plot outline and I am continuing on with my idea. 

I am actually enjoying the process this time around, rather than feeling stressed out for not writing as many words as I thought I would. By not placing any kind of expectation on myself, save for writing well, I am far more productive.

I found my secret to writing well. And it took failing NaNoWriMo to find it.

Almost There...

So NaNoWriMo started this morning and I am pretty proud of myself. Not only did I actually get up when my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I sat myself down and wrote. For me, I have already won. I have been saying for the longest time that I was going to get up early and write and I never have because I like sleep. It's my friend.

I did something else that is different this year: I wrote an actual proper outline. I wrote a back story, developed characters, ideas, and themes, and know how the story ends. All in all, a much better start.

While I didn't meet the word count this morning, I am not going to stress myself out over it. I will either write more tonight or do a bit extra tomorrow morning. I am happy with what I've written so far and my characters are realistically flawed. 

When I compare where I am right now with where I was last year, I am blown away by the difference. I am in such a great place with people around me who love me, and I am grateful for the support I have received during the past year. I have learned to make hard decisions, learned how to let go of things that are hindering my happiness, and am working towards forgiving those who have hurt me. 

In keeping with these lessons learned, I have quit my current job that is not fulfilling me and have taken another that will. I am taking responsibility for my own happiness and rejecting the notion that I do not deserve it. 

My hair has also made an interesting transition: last year I was lightening my jet-black hair in order to try and infuse myself with light. It took many steps and lots of money and in the end, I have decided to return to black. I always do. I don't consider the journey to be a waste; I have learned much and will continue to do so.

With awesome hair. 

Transistions

I had a great idea for this post and started to write it, and then something else happened. The post turned into a rant, which turned into a self-pity piece and that's when I grew disgusted with myself and went for coffee. I am sitting here at a job that does not challenge me thinking up ways I can endure it without being an asshole. Apparently my default mode is extreme sarcasm with a side of cynicism.

During the whole process of trying to update this blog, I realized that I am supremely unhappy with a whole bunch of things. While my therapist and I are trying to unravel the densest part of my misery and examine the threads, I am not happy with just dealing with the depression that was the catalyst for the events of the past year. I feel as though I have lost an entire year of my life through the betrayal of my mind and I am angry.

I used to wear my anger proudly, like a suit of armour. As I grew older and wiser, I realized that I could express my anger in different ways that were constructive and didn't  hurt anyone.  Looking back, it seems as though it was easier to push people away although I know that isn't true. I am doing my best to walk through the pain to get to the other side, but some days are better than others.

Today I am choosing to deal with this instead of letting it happen to me. Today I am going to put my foot down and DO things instead of talking about them. 

Having said that, I really want a nap.

Challenges Are Good, But Magic is Better

Something that I am in constant awe about is how people deal with challenges. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms, and I find it fascinating to watch people as they try and figure out solutions. It's equally entertaining to step in at the right time with an offer of a solution and see if they choose to implement it or not.

My current boss decided that my computer would be given to a co-worker and that I would start to use one of the big, beautiful Mac's that the graphic design team work on. The computer comes with wireless mouse and keyboard, which requires bluetooth to be installed and enabled in order for the wireless items to pair and sync with the computer. I watched the IT guy switch my old computer with the new one and retrieve my emails from the server. So far, so good.

He then tried to pair the keyboard and mouse. They were both blinking, which meant they were searching for each other, but the little screen that is supposed to pop up to ask you if you want them to sync with the Mac didn't appear. It was then that I had a suspicion, but I kept it to myself because I figured he knew what he was doing. 

Four hours and a very angry boss later, I suggested that perhaps the unit did not have bluetooth installed. My boss was furious that the process was taking so long and told me that all of the Mac's had been purchased at 'the same time with the same stuff inside them'. Exact words. I nodded and went back to my magazine.

After countless troubleshooting attempts, numerous online forums, and a brief but tense meeting, I managed to point out that there was no bluetooth. Clicking on the 'About this Mac' proved I was right.

Silence.

A flurry of confusion. How can that be? How did the previous employee use the computer with the keyboard and mouse if there is no bluetooth? We all saw her use it?!

Those are all very good questions. I have a theory as to the answer.

Magic.

What else could it be? I can't figure it out and neither can anyone else here. It's a bit of a mystery. Every now and again I am reminded that we don't always have the answers and that some things just are. Like knowing who is on the phone the instant it rings. Or buying your partner flowers 'for no reason'. Magic does exist; it just goes by different names for different people.

Sometimes, just asking the question is enough of an answer.

A Bit of Stability Would Be Great

I am fortunate enough to have a job where my creativity is rewarded and my ideas put into practice. The act of getting ready for work does not fill me with dread, nor does it make me wish I was doing anything but. I am paid well and get along with my co-workers, and have built a substantial network of professionals that I can call on to provide me with solutions when I need them. So what am I complaining about?

I don’t have a job description. There, I said it. I know that I should have insisted on having one prior to accepting my present position but I thought that I would be able to get one after. I am too trusting and once again, it has bitten me in the ass.

Not having a job description is terrible for a number of reasons. The biggest drawback for me right now is that my boss keeps changing my job; I was hired for what I thought was a very straightforward role in his company. I have a strong marketing and social media background and am published internationally. During our discussions, he told me he would want me to do sales and I balked at that. I explained that I am not interested in a sales position, he agreed, and we negotiated my job: marketing-oriented with copy-writing and some design as needed. I took this job thinking that’s what I would be doing.

I have done a substantial amount of media work as well as copy-writing during my time here and for that I am ecstatic. What I don’t like is the consistent manner in which my boss changes his mind. Preparing new marketing materials to be released only to be told at the time of final sign-off that he’s decided to go another route is both frustrating and demoralizing. Why bother working hard on developing fresh concepts when he will just axe it at the end and do the same thing he’s done every year for the past 20 years?

Today, he sent me out on a sales call. I have no clue as to what I am doing as I am not in sales, and I hope that he did this because he was at an appointment and could not go himself. There used to be an employee here who did precisely what I did today and since she’s moved on, my fear is that my boss wants me to assume those responsibilities and adding them to my growing list of things I do.

Let me make this perfectly clear: I am not a salesperson nor do I have any desire to be one.

I have already spoken to a few of my co-workers who also need job descriptions and we have decided to write them ourselves and present them, as a group, to the owner. We all feel that without job descriptions, he will continue to change our roles within the company as he sees fit. It is a small company and while I understand the necessity of being able to utilize as much as you can from your employees, I am not sure that completely changing their focus work-wise on a daily basis is the way to do it.

Bottom line is simple: Job description. Get one or don’t accept the job.