Catching Up

I am the first to admit that I don't do well without food. Needless to say, the fast lasted 10 hours. I comforted myself by saying that I did an advanced version of the 10 day fast, thus completing it in only 10 hours. See? All better.

This weekend I had the opportunity to reconnect with some friends that I haven't seen in 6 months. That might not seem a huge amount of time, but when you spend as much time with people as I did with these guys, 6 months seems like an eternity. These were my girls, the ones I turned to when I wanted to chat or needed to kill a bottle of red. We would block off specific nights to get together and hang out and it was good. There was always something to do, and even though one of us was married, there still seemed to be alot of time that we spent together.

People change, and through the years my relationship with one of these girls (Y) had become troubled. My problem was that I wanted her to like me and so I would do things to please her in order to gain her love. Being an abused child has made it difficult to have a normal realtionship, and once I began to see the patterns of my behaviour I began to reassert myself. Perhaps I waited too long, or maybe she thought I was being difficult, but I feel that's what really damaged our friendship. I wouldn't allow her to walk all over me and when I began to stand up for myself in situations where I would normally just shrug it off, she stopped talking to me.

One of my friends refused to pick sides, no matter how hard this girl tried to get her to. Coincidentally, she is also the other married one of the group. So when I saw X for her birthday this weekend, I was elated to find out that she had stayed away only until I felt ready to contact her. She made it clear to me that she wouldn't pick sides and that our other friend was just soul-searching and that's why all the trouble. Part of me already knew that, but hearing her say it made me feel better. Until the other girl showed up.

I can't really get into details because it hurts my heart too much. Suffice to say that two girls, Y and Z, both decided to have nothing to do with me because I had a falling out with Y. Y and I used to be roomies once upon a time, and when I moved out to be on my own she never really forgave me. Maybe it's like the empty nest syndrome. I will never know becasue she will never tell me.

I'm rambling at this point because I find it hard to focus on what matters the most. When I opened my email this morning, I found an email from Y. She was responding to my email wishing her a happy birthday that I sent a week or two ago. She sounds like she's doing well but I don't want her back in my life. I don't mind if she's part of the group when we go out, but I don't wish to reconnect with her. She's hurt me too much and I have too many other people in my life that love me to push them away for her.

Z asked me to go for coffee so we could talk. I'm not sure what she could say to me that will make everything okay: she basically ignored me when I announced I was getting married and I haven't heard from her since that day up until I saw her at X's birthday party on the weekend.

So, lots of emotion this weekend and my poor husband had to deal with me while I tried to figure it all out. As far as I'm concerned, I wasn't the one who initiated the cut off. I announced my marriage, was stung by Y and Z's responses and didn't want to get hurt anymore so I stopped communication. I would love to talk it out if for no other reason than closure. We'll see. Girls have a way of turning on you when they get together.