I already do not understand relationships to begin with, and to see things like that happen between two people who claim to love each other just baffles me further. I understand that we each have our own path that we must tread and only we can take responsibility for what we do but I didn't have Thanksgiving dinner with my mother. For the first time in about 10 years, I was not there because he does not like me and goes out of his way to make sure that I do not feel welcome or loved by him. I know he isn't my father and that there is no conceivable reason for me to want to be loved by this man, but he is the only father I have known. The only father I have had in my life and he hates me. Why do I keep trying so hard?
I'll tell you why. I have abandonment issues surrounding people who are close to me. I have tried very hard to put my faith in those who say that they love me and will always stick by me. I also try very hard to remember that when they do not stick by me, it's because they are dealing with their own issues and need time to do so. Sometimes that works, other times I feel as though everyone is out to get me.
I have a lot more faith and trust in people than I used to, despite all the bullshit people put me through. I chalk that up to their own weakness, and nothing that I have done. It's far easier to walk away from something than to turn and face it. I am upset that I missed seeing my mother this weekend, but I understand that she could not open her doors to me while he is being difficult. That does not stop the fact that I am sad and angry and want very much to phone my step-father and tell him what a douche he is; not only for treating my mother like that but also for denying me my mother's presence on a very important day.
Guess I have to try a bit harder to understand my mother's reasons for complying.
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