I have an overactive imagination. I know this. I also know that there are times when I simply cannot stop my brain from coming up with ridiculous images and scenarios that just won't happen. I have to just let it do its thing and then chide myself after.
Or do I?
I've been reading a lot about reprogramming behavioral responses and while it sounds incredibly scary, I understand what it means for people like me who cannot stop their brain from conjuring up pictures and scenarios. I am not in any way suggesting that people should try this out for fun: this was, and still is, something I feel can be either incredibly beneficial or a fucking nightmare depending on who is administering the treatment.
Case in point: I have a consultation this afternoon with a new therapist. The doctor works out of her home and I woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack thinking that it's all a front and she is actually going to kill me. I lay there trying to get my brain to calm the fuck down and after two hours of this nonsense, I finally gave in.
Okay brain, I said to myself. You want to wake me up and fill my head with this shit? Fine. LET'S DO THIS.
I conjured up scenes that belonged in a horror movie, complete with chainsaws and running blindly down corridors. I let my brain exhaust itself with all the potentially terrible and horrific things that could go wrong spiraling through my psyche. At the end of it all, I asked myself a question: why are you so afraid?
My brain instantly went on the defense, telling me that I'm not afraid, just being cautious. I reminded myself of the images I had just witnessed and asked if these were the thoughts of a cautious person, or one trying to justify not going to the appointment.
And that was my 'a-ha!' moment.
After I figured out the pattern of self-sabotage, I realized that I had just spent three hours in deep conversation with myself.
One step at a time.
