In the midst of preparing to move, I've discovered a lot of things I didn't realize I was still holding onto. I found letters from previous lovers, divorce papers from husband number 2 (including the terrible letters he wrote me telling me how much I suck), and a ton of other things.
I sat and looked at all that stuff and I started to cry. It's emotional to see parts of your life splayed out in front of you. I sat and looked at it and when I was ready, I methodically tore each piece of paper into shreds.
Words cannot describe how amazing that felt. To be able to sit there with these pieces and process the emotions around them and then let them go.
I found the first few extremely difficult. I wanted to give up and shove the rest into a bag and 'deal with it later' but I knew that was a lie. I wouldn't do it later, or ever. If I didn't deal with it right then, I would spend the rest of my life dragging this excess shit around me and wondering why I felt so bad.
Part of my struggle through depression was the feeling that I wasn't going to get any better. I spent a lot of time lying on my side wondering when the pain will stop and my life would start up again. When I was able to function again, I remember looking at the junk and thinking I should clear it away but it seemed too difficult.
It's a strange feeling, this new lightness. I have systematically cleared out most of the places where I've hidden my excess baggage: the old paystubs, old birthday/Valentine's/Christmas cards, things I no longer need in my life.
I didn't need any of it and yet I held onto it out of fear: fear of change, fear of facing myself, fear of not having the security of things. I realized that I will not win anything at the end of the day for having held onto my crap.
I am no longer looking at what to hang onto. I am looking at what to let go of.
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