I have been working on a project that has pretty much taken over my life. Last week, I was able to finally finish it off only to be told on Monday that it wasn't good enough and had to be re-done.
I am trying to remain calm and positive but the reality of it is that I feel as though everyone involved, except my boss, pretty much sat back and watched me do this without offering any sort of assistance just so they could tell me I did it wrong. I know that isn't what happened and that I am most likely taking it personally (a huge no-no) but it's upsetting to me on a variety of different levels.
At the planning stage, long before any actions were taken, decision were made by the client with regards to the project. I had zero opportunity to input my opinions; I just showed up at the meetings and made sure that the information they were referencing was accurate. When all the decisions were made, nobody stepped up to implement the project. My boss and I shrugged and did our best to make it all happen.
And that's where we went wrong.
We should have pushed back and insisted that the appropriate people (cough, marketing, cough) take charge in implementing the project. In not doing so, we opened ourselves up to criticism and allowed ourselves to be made into scapegoats.
The lesson I learned from this? Push back when you don't feel comfortable being handed a project you have zero experience in handling. I should have offered my assistance and not allowed myself to be made the person responsible for the entire thing.
Having said that, I am totally dyeing my hair tonight. What does that have to do with the rest of my post? Absolutely nothing. I just wanted to get it out there.
9 Apr 2013
19 Mar 2013
Weird Stuff...I Guess?!
The weirdest thing has happened. I say 'weirdest' because quite frankly, I don't know how else to process it. Maybe I should have used a thesaurus but I was lazy and went with weirdest. Whatever.
I never thought of myself as drinking more than the average person. Sure, there were/are times when I over-indulge(d) but for the most part I am a responsible drinker. Part of that stems from watching my father get drunk and nasty when I was a kid: I saw that and vowed to not be that person. The other part is the headache the next day. I don't like that, and I don't like feeling as if I swallowed a pile of donkey shit.
When my husband and I went to the Bahamas last week, I became quite ill with heatstroke. Luckily it was the last day so I didn't miss anything. We had gone to an all-inclusive resort and was very impressed with the food and service. Because it was an all-inclusive, drinks were on the house. There was a temptation to get shit-faced but I didn't. I wanted to enjoy my trip.
And that's the point where I grew up.
I still had cocktails, just not a bunch. I found that after a few days of reduced drinking, and I am aware of how that makes me sound, I felt better. Once home, I continued the new behaviour and I have found that my medication is actually working. Weird, right? Medication that clearly states you should not drink actually works when you don't drink. Wow. I sleep better, eat better, and react to people and situations better. Who knew?
I feel amazing. I feel lighter in the brain and more focused on what I want rather than reacting to what I have. I have not felt this good since being diagnosed with severe depression a few years ago.
Time for a celebratory pint.
I never thought of myself as drinking more than the average person. Sure, there were/are times when I over-indulge(d) but for the most part I am a responsible drinker. Part of that stems from watching my father get drunk and nasty when I was a kid: I saw that and vowed to not be that person. The other part is the headache the next day. I don't like that, and I don't like feeling as if I swallowed a pile of donkey shit.
When my husband and I went to the Bahamas last week, I became quite ill with heatstroke. Luckily it was the last day so I didn't miss anything. We had gone to an all-inclusive resort and was very impressed with the food and service. Because it was an all-inclusive, drinks were on the house. There was a temptation to get shit-faced but I didn't. I wanted to enjoy my trip.
And that's the point where I grew up.
I still had cocktails, just not a bunch. I found that after a few days of reduced drinking, and I am aware of how that makes me sound, I felt better. Once home, I continued the new behaviour and I have found that my medication is actually working. Weird, right? Medication that clearly states you should not drink actually works when you don't drink. Wow. I sleep better, eat better, and react to people and situations better. Who knew?
I feel amazing. I feel lighter in the brain and more focused on what I want rather than reacting to what I have. I have not felt this good since being diagnosed with severe depression a few years ago.
Time for a celebratory pint.
15 Mar 2013
So Long, And Thanks For All the Fish
That's what I imagined my hair was saying when I chopped it off last week. I sat in the chair, wincing with every snip of the scissors, knowing that I would probably regret it once it was done.
How wrong I was.
I have had short hair for a good part of my adult life. For the past two years, I have been growing my hair simply because my husband asked me to. He had never seen me with hair longer than my jawline, so I shrugged and said sure. I enjoyed having long hair right up until I no longer knew what to do with it.
I thought that I would magically be able to do all sorts of cool styles. That's what Pinterest told me, anyway. And then I realized that Pinterest is a filthy, dirty liar. All those 'how-to' guides are not meant for normal people to replicate. They are meant to be printed out and taken to a professional.
Once I made up my mind, there was no stopping me. I made the appointment, went during work hours, and came back a million times lighter. I went through a roller coaster ride of varying emotions: anger, pain, despair, doubt. I felt stupid for putting so much energy into something so trivial. Then I remembered.
Nothing is trivial.
This was, and is, something that has always been very important to me. I take pride in my appearance and am a huge fan of my hair, no matter what colour it happens to be at the moment. I was making a gigantic change both physically and, as I discovered later, emotionally.
Since my depression, I have struggled with a variety of negative thoughts and feelings. Trying to 'fix' myself has dwindled to trying to 'make do' with myself. After cutting my hair, I realized that it was more than that: it was a symbolic gesture. It wasn't just a haircut; I cut off the pain and anguish I'd felt during the past two years of my life and started over. My husband, who has been an absolute rock throughout all of it, loves my new short hair and thinks I look better with it. I agree.
Perhaps it's vanity, but if it makes me feel better in the brain-area, I am all for it. I feel like I have turned a massive corner and I am actually excited about things again.
All that from a 'simple' haircut.
How wrong I was.
I have had short hair for a good part of my adult life. For the past two years, I have been growing my hair simply because my husband asked me to. He had never seen me with hair longer than my jawline, so I shrugged and said sure. I enjoyed having long hair right up until I no longer knew what to do with it.
I thought that I would magically be able to do all sorts of cool styles. That's what Pinterest told me, anyway. And then I realized that Pinterest is a filthy, dirty liar. All those 'how-to' guides are not meant for normal people to replicate. They are meant to be printed out and taken to a professional.
Once I made up my mind, there was no stopping me. I made the appointment, went during work hours, and came back a million times lighter. I went through a roller coaster ride of varying emotions: anger, pain, despair, doubt. I felt stupid for putting so much energy into something so trivial. Then I remembered.
Nothing is trivial.
This was, and is, something that has always been very important to me. I take pride in my appearance and am a huge fan of my hair, no matter what colour it happens to be at the moment. I was making a gigantic change both physically and, as I discovered later, emotionally.
Since my depression, I have struggled with a variety of negative thoughts and feelings. Trying to 'fix' myself has dwindled to trying to 'make do' with myself. After cutting my hair, I realized that it was more than that: it was a symbolic gesture. It wasn't just a haircut; I cut off the pain and anguish I'd felt during the past two years of my life and started over. My husband, who has been an absolute rock throughout all of it, loves my new short hair and thinks I look better with it. I agree.
Perhaps it's vanity, but if it makes me feel better in the brain-area, I am all for it. I feel like I have turned a massive corner and I am actually excited about things again.
All that from a 'simple' haircut.
14 Mar 2013
Y'all Ready for This?
I have been doing a lot of reading on happiness and wellness and I am slowly starting to learn that not everyone is out to get me. Most are, but not every single person is. Big difference there.
Having spent much of my life looking back with regret, anger, and resentment, it's somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone. Lots of people have difficulty letting go of things: whether it's situations or people, there is always a grieving period. I've realized that I have not taken responsibility for fucking up personal relationships, nor have I placed blame on others who have caused me harm.
My absolute truth? I have done some horrible things to people that did not deserve it. In admitting that, I step towards self-forgiveness. I cannot ask them for their pardon, and that is all right. I can no longer look back, or else I am lost. I can only move forward and hope that when faced with similar situations, I can make different choices.
Another truth? I have also done horrible things to those who DID deserve it, and although I should not play (insert deity preference here), I absolutely did and I have no regrets. Of course, it doesn't erase the other stuff and nor should it. We all should take responsibility for our actions, no matter what.
My difficulty right now is self-care. I still have issues surrounding trust and am still paranoid of lots of things. I am taking small, simple steps to try and break out of that. One of my favourite ways is the Stop, Drop and Roll method.
Here's how it works. Say you have an unpleasant thought: could be anything from dissing someone's outfit to outright self-loathing. As soon as you are conscious of the negativity, STOP THINKING. Tricky to do when you are in the throes of self-shaming, but still. Stop thinking the thought. Then, DROP the thought by switching to something mundane like ice cream. Whatever. As long as the negative thought stays out of your mind. Then, ROLL a new thought out: could be anything, I usually choose something comic book related but that's me.
I am learning how to deal with things and the more I read, the more I realize how much there is to learn. Lucky for me I enjoy the learning process!
I am happier, better adjusted, and willing to change. That is more than I can say for a lot of people out there... namely the ones who still wallow in their own pools of self-pity. Why wait for things to happen? Get out there and make shit happen or before you know it, you're on your deathbed thinking, 'Fuck. Why didn't I sky-dive?'
Today is the day. What will YOU do with it?
Having spent much of my life looking back with regret, anger, and resentment, it's somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone. Lots of people have difficulty letting go of things: whether it's situations or people, there is always a grieving period. I've realized that I have not taken responsibility for fucking up personal relationships, nor have I placed blame on others who have caused me harm.
My absolute truth? I have done some horrible things to people that did not deserve it. In admitting that, I step towards self-forgiveness. I cannot ask them for their pardon, and that is all right. I can no longer look back, or else I am lost. I can only move forward and hope that when faced with similar situations, I can make different choices.
Another truth? I have also done horrible things to those who DID deserve it, and although I should not play (insert deity preference here), I absolutely did and I have no regrets. Of course, it doesn't erase the other stuff and nor should it. We all should take responsibility for our actions, no matter what.
My difficulty right now is self-care. I still have issues surrounding trust and am still paranoid of lots of things. I am taking small, simple steps to try and break out of that. One of my favourite ways is the Stop, Drop and Roll method.
Here's how it works. Say you have an unpleasant thought: could be anything from dissing someone's outfit to outright self-loathing. As soon as you are conscious of the negativity, STOP THINKING. Tricky to do when you are in the throes of self-shaming, but still. Stop thinking the thought. Then, DROP the thought by switching to something mundane like ice cream. Whatever. As long as the negative thought stays out of your mind. Then, ROLL a new thought out: could be anything, I usually choose something comic book related but that's me.
I am learning how to deal with things and the more I read, the more I realize how much there is to learn. Lucky for me I enjoy the learning process!
I am happier, better adjusted, and willing to change. That is more than I can say for a lot of people out there... namely the ones who still wallow in their own pools of self-pity. Why wait for things to happen? Get out there and make shit happen or before you know it, you're on your deathbed thinking, 'Fuck. Why didn't I sky-dive?'
Today is the day. What will YOU do with it?
4 Feb 2013
So Much Frustration
Why is it that I am constantly in a state of frustration with people around me? Why can't I just accept that people are different: they have different ways of doing things and even though those ways are not my ways, that does not mean they are wrong. Except, of course, when they are wrong.
This is normally where I would launch into a gigantic rant about people and how I wish they would just all go away because my way is obviously better and I know so much more than they do. I am not going to do that though, and not just because there is too much material for me to rant about. It's because I have learned what the rules are, or rather, what the biggest rule is.
No one really cares about anyone's situation except their own.
The power struggles we engage in on a daily basis illustrates how delicately inferior we all feel towards one another. When you don't answer an email, the other person doesn't care that you are under deadline or dealing with a sick loved one. All they see is that you haven't answered their mundane email, and by doing so, have told them that they don't rank high enough on your radar to warrant a response.
That's fucked up, isn't it?
There are always exceptions to this, and those people who can magically understand what 'busy' means and not take offense to it are wonderful and should be cherished.
I make sure I answer every email, even if I don't have the answer right away, to at least let the sender know that I've seen it. It's stupid and dumb and petty but saves me a shit-ton of drama that I just don't need. that way, when I do fuck up and forget something, the backlash is less harsh than it would have been if I'd been like the rest of the world and ignored them from the get-go.
I just need to get other on board with this and we'll all be just fine. But that won't happen, because of the rule. Until that changes, there's always alcohol.
This is normally where I would launch into a gigantic rant about people and how I wish they would just all go away because my way is obviously better and I know so much more than they do. I am not going to do that though, and not just because there is too much material for me to rant about. It's because I have learned what the rules are, or rather, what the biggest rule is.
No one really cares about anyone's situation except their own.
The power struggles we engage in on a daily basis illustrates how delicately inferior we all feel towards one another. When you don't answer an email, the other person doesn't care that you are under deadline or dealing with a sick loved one. All they see is that you haven't answered their mundane email, and by doing so, have told them that they don't rank high enough on your radar to warrant a response.
That's fucked up, isn't it?
There are always exceptions to this, and those people who can magically understand what 'busy' means and not take offense to it are wonderful and should be cherished.
I make sure I answer every email, even if I don't have the answer right away, to at least let the sender know that I've seen it. It's stupid and dumb and petty but saves me a shit-ton of drama that I just don't need. that way, when I do fuck up and forget something, the backlash is less harsh than it would have been if I'd been like the rest of the world and ignored them from the get-go.
I just need to get other on board with this and we'll all be just fine. But that won't happen, because of the rule. Until that changes, there's always alcohol.
17 Jan 2013
Back on Track, Everybody.
Instead of making resolutions this year, I set out some firm goals that I want to complete by the end of the year. Naturally this means that there will be crying; given the demands of my new and totally amazing job, I suspect that there will be quite a few times where I will consider giving up my passion.
Of course, I am talking about writing. I have been juggling full time work, marriage, and writing and so far I have only ever been able to manage two at any given time. I have thought about this for a while now and I have figured out how to do all three without any of them suffering.
Time travel and a clone.
Hear me out.
If I could build/find/steal a time machine, I could jump back to the times where I was not doing anything and actually be productive. Having a clone would allow me to work and write at the same time.
I know what you're thinking: what if my husband prefers the clone?
He won't, because I will make sure the clone only looks like me and works like me. It will be a stand-in for work and nothing more.
...
After thinking this through, I am scrapping the idea of a clone. I may not enjoy the world or many of the people who dwell on its surface, but I think unleashing another one of me into society is going too far.
Seriously though, I need to carve out time for myself. That is something that I rarely do. I am usually surrounded by people and while that is good for my brain, I need to separate myself and do things for me. I love writing; I love the way words just pour out in an uneven flow. I love the act of creating, the processes that are put into play every time I sit down to write or even just talk about writing.
Part of my strategy includes this blog. I will be striving to post on a more consistent basis and I will work on developing my website and brand.
Time to put on my big girl pants. This is going to be my year.
Of course, I am talking about writing. I have been juggling full time work, marriage, and writing and so far I have only ever been able to manage two at any given time. I have thought about this for a while now and I have figured out how to do all three without any of them suffering.
Time travel and a clone.
Hear me out.
If I could build/find/steal a time machine, I could jump back to the times where I was not doing anything and actually be productive. Having a clone would allow me to work and write at the same time.
I know what you're thinking: what if my husband prefers the clone?
He won't, because I will make sure the clone only looks like me and works like me. It will be a stand-in for work and nothing more.
...
After thinking this through, I am scrapping the idea of a clone. I may not enjoy the world or many of the people who dwell on its surface, but I think unleashing another one of me into society is going too far.
Seriously though, I need to carve out time for myself. That is something that I rarely do. I am usually surrounded by people and while that is good for my brain, I need to separate myself and do things for me. I love writing; I love the way words just pour out in an uneven flow. I love the act of creating, the processes that are put into play every time I sit down to write or even just talk about writing.
Part of my strategy includes this blog. I will be striving to post on a more consistent basis and I will work on developing my website and brand.
Time to put on my big girl pants. This is going to be my year.
3 Dec 2012
Well, Maybe Next Year
The passing of November into December marks a major milestone finished for another year: NaNoWriMo. This year, my success was not in finishing 50,000 words but in actually sitting down and plotting out a novel. A novel that I am still working on, even though I did not meet the word count for November. I was feeling a bit down about this until a very good friend of mine sent me the following message:
'The thing a lot of people forget about NaNoWriMo is that you can also write in the other eleven months of the year. Because EVERY month is novel writing month. So yes, keep writing.'
That made me feel better. I will always try and complete the challenge every year, but I will not make it my only time to write. In fact, I have re-worked the original plot outline and I am continuing on with my idea.
I am actually enjoying the process this time around, rather than feeling stressed out for not writing as many words as I thought I would. By not placing any kind of expectation on myself, save for writing well, I am far more productive.
I found my secret to writing well. And it took failing NaNoWriMo to find it.
'The thing a lot of people forget about NaNoWriMo is that you can also write in the other eleven months of the year. Because EVERY month is novel writing month. So yes, keep writing.'
That made me feel better. I will always try and complete the challenge every year, but I will not make it my only time to write. In fact, I have re-worked the original plot outline and I am continuing on with my idea.
I am actually enjoying the process this time around, rather than feeling stressed out for not writing as many words as I thought I would. By not placing any kind of expectation on myself, save for writing well, I am far more productive.
I found my secret to writing well. And it took failing NaNoWriMo to find it.
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