Confusion is Not Good, But it Can be Helpful

I spend a lot of my time wandering around trying to figure things out. Part of this is due to my stubborn streak: I would much rather work through a problem on my own than ask for input. Last thing I need is another viewpoint getting all up in my grill and ruining my thought process.

I am learning that sometimes it's okay to hear another side. Sometimes another voice brings clarity and focus where there was only chaos and other times it adds to the confusion. Having said that, the times where things become clearer are not necessarily better: I can remember being told that my method of performing a task was sorely lacking and was provided with examples of how I could do it better. Even more to the point, I was given the name and number of an ex who had performed the act 'exquisitely' and was told that I could get some pointers. Crystal-fucking-clear. 

I appreciate when people try and help by sharing their experiences but understand that I will most likely not listen. #truth

I don't prefer to live in chaos; I prefer a more controlled existence with the occasional upset accompanied by tears and/or make up sex.

Look, it's Monday and I am tired and I am doing my best to be witty and write something clever. It isn't happening so I am going to go and day-drink.

You heard me.

Torn

Superman has always troubled me. It's not that I don't like him; I understand why his character is important to the Justice League and I get why his story is attractive. We've all had instances where we've wanted to find out that the people we live with weren't our real family and that we were placed with them in order to protect us until we were old enough to do whatever it is our real family thinks we should.

That was a really long sentence. 

What I struggle with  in this particular case is the sense of wrongness of the character. He's too strong. Like when Kyle Rayner  became Ion and took care of universe- and galaxy-wide conflict and injustice merely by thinking about it and the rest of the heroes sat back and twiddled their thumbs. Too much power in one character is, to me, boring. 

If I feel this way, then why did I like the movie so damn much? I'll tell you.

The 'Man of Steel' movie didn't delve into the whole 'falling from the stars' crap. It immediately went into the present and used flashbacks to show the audience the types of things young Clark dealt with growing up. It focused on him being taught the basics of human behaviour while ensuring his safety until the world was ready for him.

Yes, he slipped a few times. Yes, people thought he was a little strange. But he managed to hold all of that in until he was ready to face who he was. Watching his first foray into flight was both touching and a little sad. It was then that you could see he would always be alone, that there was no one who could ever come close to doing what he can do.

That kind of character breeds resentment and loneliness, which is why they introduce Lois into his life as a partner. She is the one who can help him figure out the rest of his destiny. Although she doesn't have any superpowers, she is fierce and dedicated to truth, which is not unlike other members of the Justice League. As an award-winning reporter she puts herself in harm's way in order to find out the real story so that she can bring it to the rest of the world.

I still don't like Superman very much but I will say this: I enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would. I am not rushing out to buy Superman comics, but I am interested to see if they progress his character in future films.

I Am So Tired

I have an extremely glamorous job. One of the things I am responsible for is making sure people don't freak out when shit hits the fan.

Today the shit hit the fan. It  hit so hard and with so much force, it was epic. 

I have an event tomorrow night that has been the bane of my existence. The planning involves equipment being shipped from all over the world, coordinating people on stationary bikes, LED lights, a giant hamster wheel, and lots of things I am not remembering. There are alcohol sponsors, dry-ice seared food, and a world-famous DJ. It's going to be absolutely fantastic.

Weather report calls for rain all day tomorrow. Torrential rain.

Did I mention that the party takes place on the top of a parking garage?

Fuck.

I just found out that the elevator in the parking lot is not working and with the elevator contractors on strike, we currently have no way to get all the equipment and food supplies to the top of the roof for the rain-party.

Double-fuck.

There is more bullshit but to be honest, I can't even get into it. I am sitting here typing this and listening to people in my office lose their shit as other things fall apart.

Time to go to work and patch this shit up.

Peace. 

I am Having a Moment

I met Sigourney Weaver.

You heard me.

Met her, talked with her, had my picture taken with her.

Wow.

That's all I can say right now.

Wake Up

Every morning I wake up and try to find a reason to get out of bed. I mean, I have a job and know that I have to get up but there are times where I lay in bed and mentally list the reasons why I should get up. Here are a few:

1. I probably have to pee because I haven't all night and my bladder is probably full.

2. Daphne and Oscar are hungry and/or sitting on my chest restricting my breathing.

3. Someone texted and I have to see who it is and what they want because I NEED TO KNOW NOW.

4. I have new pants/shoes/shirt I should take the tags off and wear.

5. I am hungry and there is leftover Swiss Chalet in the fridge. 

After I figure it all out and convince myself that I should get up, it's smooth sailing from there. The rest of the day usually flows by and then it starts over the next morning. Which is why I am thinking that I should make a huge list and put it on the ceiling so that when I open my eyes it's right there and I don't have to think.

Flaw: I doubt I will be able to convince my husband that it isn't weird and that it's perfectly normal to have things like that on the ceiling. 

I didn't used to have trouble getting out of bed. There was a time when I would wake up before the alarm went off and I bounded up and out and showered and ate breakfast and everything with enough time to saunter to the subway. Now it's a mad dash: the alarm goes off and I reset it. The new time does not leave me enough time to have breakfast; I barely have time to shower. I do this every morning and I cannot seem to snap out of it. I go to bed at a reasonable time and as far as I know I sleep pretty well. 

Sigh.

I have to figure this out. I am getting really tired of the morning scramble.

Guess What? I'm Still Hot.

I recently discovered something that made me both love and hate myself. I have spent so much time trying not to be angry about things that are beyond my control simply because there is not point. I thought I was doing very well at controlling my anger. I thought that my new-found calm was something I could count on.

Nope.

I am still angry. I am still simmering, still just holding it back, still just tempering the fury every day. Is there a reason? Most likely. For the most part though, I don't really want to find out. I'll be even more angry to discover that this whole time I've been angry over something I should have let go of years ago.

Which is precisely the root of my anger.

Goddammit.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just take a deep breath and 'let go of the negativity'? Because I believe in fairness, and life is not fair.

And that sucks.

I try very hard to do the right thing and treat people correctly and fairly and I feel like there are times when I am targeted because of that. People have taken advantage of me in the past and continue to try and do so. I have managed to cut most of those types of people out of my life, but every now and again they sneak back in. And then I get angry with them for doing it and myself for allowing it to happen again.

I am just tired of it. The solution has not made itself known to me yet and I will continue to be angry until it does. 

Hello Tuesday

Imagine going through a week of being completely and totally honest with everyone you came in contact with. Seriously; close your eyes and imagine scenarios and situations where you would be able to be sincere in your honesty. Watch as the people you are in contact with first look at you in disbelief at what you've said, then watch that disbelief turn to anger when they understand what you've said. 

No one wants to hear the truth from you or anyone else. They are completely content to go through their lives with blinders on completely oblivious to anything outside their immediate scope of perception. Read: if it don't concern 'em, they ain't concerned.

I just made that up. I think. Anyway.

That's scary shit right there.

I can count the number of times I felt able to be completely honest with someone other than my husband on one hand and a have a finger or two left over. Not because I've lied to them; rather, the situation called for something more delicate than brutal honesty. Perhaps if I'd been more honest I might have been able to salvage a friendship or two along the way. Perhaps. Those things will usually happen regardless of how much effort is put into them and I suspect those friendships would have collapsed anyhow.

I have always tried my best to be a strong person and to be the one who tells it like it is without being nasty about it. Lately though, I have discovered a certain freedom in being absent from those instances that would require that kind of performance from me. I have encouraged others to rely less on me and more on themselves and their partners, to be more blunt. And I really like how it's turning out.

Let's face it, I am probably not the best person to be doling out advice. I am in a steady stream of constantly making mistakes and figuring out how to fix them without anyone noticing. People like me should be studied. 

(insert witty ending paragraph here... maybe. If I can think of one. If not, just leave in and confuse people)