Forgiveness is not a dirty word

At least, it isn't anymore.

I have struggled with forgiveness for the majority of my life. I equated forgiveness with weakness, something my father instilled in me at a very early age. He maintained that if you forgave someone, you were giving in and showing that person that you could be walked over.

As a result of that belief, I let a number of relationships either slip away or burn to a fiery crisp. Anger, hate, pain, and suffering were the results of not seeing past the error and offering forgiveness. I wanted to, but my fear of rejection and my father's words were both too strong and I wasn't able to do it.

I decided I didn't want to do that anymore and set out on a personal journey to find a way to forgive those who have hurt me. I also wanted to find a way to forgive myself for the plethora of mistakes I have made due to my lack of openness.

I worked through one of the most difficult times of my life using only a pen and some lined paper. I wrote down my feelings, thoughts associated with each event, and addressed those involved personally. I made it clear what/who had hurt me, what I was sorry for, and detailed how I might have handled things had I been more open. I poured my heart out through writing, trying to excise the deep-seated anger and resentment I had been feeling up to that point.

To say it worked would be an understatement. I saw an old photo with some of the people I had 'written to' and all I felt was a deep sense of peace. No pangs of envy, no stirrings of anger, just quiet and calm. I cannot tell you how amazing that felt; to be able to gaze at people who used to be the centre of my world and only feel the utmost peace.

Do I have regrets? You bet I do. Am I in any kind of position to change any of it? Nope, and to be honest I don't think I would if I had the chance. I needed to go through all that to see how powerful it is when you forgive absolutely. 

Besides, even Batman forgave someone. Once.

 

On Being Everywhere

I get it. After all these years, I finally understand it. I think I always knew it deep down and just needed to let myself actually believe it.

I do believe it. Balls deep, in fact.

I cannot be everything to everyone and I cannot be everywhere for everyone. I sometimes have to decline invitations to do things with friends and when they are upset with me because of it, that's okay. I have to listen to myself and do what's right for me at that time. If that means I don't go see that movie/band/whatever, then fine.

At first, I was scared to tell people that I needed time on my own rather than join them for their outing. I thought they`d make some sort of mean jab (and some did but I no longer have them in my life), and when they didn`t, I realized something very powerful: personal truth.

It`s very difficult to be truthful about your own feelings when you feel you are obligated to people. Speaking your truth when you need to is very empowering and tells the other person that you are practicing self-love. Taking care of yourself first is not selfish: it`s a necessity. How the fuck can you take care of others if you aren`t taking care of yourself? 

Seriously. Take a few minutes and think about who you are and what you need. At this moment, it might be a cup of coffee. That's a good start. While sipping your coffee, think about what else you might need and then do that. One step at a time.

Baby steps = laying the foundation to practise self-love every day. 

What Happens if you Just Draw Another Card?

It's so amazing how everything is linked in some way. You experience something while traipsing along your daily path and the next thing you know, the same thing pops up again somewhere completely different. It's as if the universe knows you weren't paying attention and sent the message to you again.

Today I have received two such messages. First: I drew the 'Death' card this morning. Second: in a subsequent online draw, I drew the 'Ten of Swords'.

I know what you're thinking: 'It's very pretty Bishop, but what are we looking for?'. The point is this: those two cards have almost the same meaning.

Death: 

Death is symbolic of the ending of a major phase or aspect of your life that may bring about the beginning of something far more valuable and important. You must close one door in order to open another. You need to put the past behind you and part ways, ready to embrace new opportunities and possibilities. It may be difficult to let go of the past at times but you will soon see how important it is so that you can bring renewal and transformation into your life. If you resist these necessary endings, you may experience pain, both emotionally and physically but if you exercise your creative imagination and visualize a new possibility, you allow more constructive patterns to emerge.

Ten of Swords: 

The Ten of Swords is about letting go and accepting your current circumstances. You no longer resist change but allow it to happen, even if it causes some initial pain and hurt to you. You accept that there must be change in order to facilitate renewal, and you allow it to occur rather than fighting it.

When this card appears after a painful situation, it is a signal to pick yourself up off the ground and to reflect upon what happened to you and why, and what you can learn from the experience. Hidden deep beneath the surface of the Ten of Swords is the ultimate power of the Swords suit – the ability to analyse the situation and your responses, and learn from yourself. True wisdom does not come from without but from within. The Ten of Swords is a sign that the pain and hurt you have endured has not gone without purpose. The positive power within you can be used to learn from your pain and draw wisdom from defeat.

Can you see the pattern? It took two cards, but I certainly do. 

How Amazing

Every morning, I draw a card from my Tarot deck just to see what lies ahead. I do not allow myself to become defined by that simple reading, nor do I rage when when things don't happen as were foretold. It would be easy to lay the blame at another's feet, and I simply cannot do that.

Now and then though, I get a response that tells me I'm doing the right thing. I feel as though it's the Universe telling me that I'm on the right path and imparting to me a gentle nudge of encouragement to keep going. I've been struggling with something for the past few days, facing some demons from my past that I've needed to silence, and today I drew the Five of Chalices.

For those who don't Read, here is the basic meaning of that card:

"The Five of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in a crossroads. I am not alone. I intend to let go of despair or nostalgia and I choose to make peace with loss or express mourning in order to move forward. I release the rut of regret and the fear of tomorrow to make way for forgiveness, pleasure, beauty, and hope. I am empowered by my conscience and my gift is forgiveness."

How timely is this card? I have been trying to let go of past hurts and betrayals and have been working through it one small step at a time. This card tells me that I am doing the right thing by going slowly and not rushing my healing or forgiveness; both will come.

While I know in my heart what I am doing is right, it makes me feel better knowing the Universe is in sync with me. I will keep on my path, walking my Truth, knowing that my heart is clear.

And it doesn't hurt that I am wearing my favorite Batman tshirt at work either. 

Life = Learning Things

Every single day I am alive on this great big ball of space dust, I learn things. Some of those things are glorious and magical and other times they make me want to curl up into a ball and wait for it to be over.

I needed to make amends to someone that I knew I had not treated the way they should have been treated. I crafted a message full of apology in order to be able to close the door and continue on my personal journey. I was surprised to receive a response that was clearly intended to hurt me. I took some time to digest the words and to search for the meaning hidden in them. I realized that there is still so much anger, and most of it has been misdirected my way, and that this person still has a very long road ahead of them in terms of accepting responsibility for their actions.

I am deciding whether or not to respond; I am no longer angry despite the many hurtful betrayals I suffered at their hands. I understand that it isn't my place or responsibility to educate them with respect to the email response: rather, it is my place to continue on my own journey and wish them nothing but the best.

What's interesting here is that a couple of years ago I would have jumped all over this and stated my case very clearly, ad nauseam, as to why I was being targeted unfairly and would have presented very clear and concise proof to back it all up. Now I just shake my head and give thanks for the reminder that I am not in control of anybody except myself and do not need to take responsibility for anyone's actions except mine. It's a wonderfully freeing experience and I wish I could share it with them.

I take solace in the fact that I reached out and gave them an opportunity to say the things they felt they needed to say. I am happy that I am in a place where I can do that without fear of losing myself to the demons that constantly circle and wait for an opening. 

I love this life and my journey. 

Maybe a Quick Nap Would Help

I am tired. Like, deep-down exhausted. My brain won't let me sleep though, and although I've cut out caffeine and other triggers, I am still having trouble falling asleep and staying there.

I considered napping, but then I remembered the Seinfeld episode where Kramer decides to sleep 20 minutes every 3 hours and decided against it. Here's why.

The phenomenon of sleeping in short cycles is known as polyphasic sleep. Although there have been claims that several great thinkers of the past have all practised this. I don't think I will though, after I read up on it a bit more. Apparently, there is a 'worry'.

"The worry with polyphasic sleep is whether or not it sufficiently refreshes us, something that sleeping for an extended period of time each night has been proven to do. When hunkered down for the whole night, humans go through different stages of sleep, which are broadly separated into two categories: Rapid Eye Movement (REM) and Non-Rapid Eye Movement (NREM). During REM, the body and brain remain active, resulting in dreams. In NREM sleep, the body can either sleep lightly, such as when you first start to fall asleep, or deeply – a phase where there is body movement but little brain activity. The body alternates between these phases throughout the night, and REM sleep is generally achieved about 90 minutes into sleep." - taken from here

That gives me pause. If you don't get enough sleep, you don't get enough rest, on a cellular level. Which means you can't function at a high level the next day.

Guess I will stick to my original plan of cutting out caffeine and maybe add in a shot or two of whiskey. You know, just to help out.

Horoscope, Schmoroscope

Here's my horoscope for today:

"People may drive you absolutely nuts today -- so make sure that you're giving yourself the space to escape when you need it. Things may start to get a little weird later in the day, if that's possible."

I thought that was interesting so I scoured the 'net for more horoscopes just to see if they are all saying the same thing. I don't consider this to be a waste of time: I see it as an interesting experiment.

Let's get started, shall we?

From The Globe and Mail:

"Break a few rules and put a few noses out of joint today. The planets are urging you to do something out of the ordinary, something that stirs things up a bit in your quiet little corner of the world. Rock the boat and see who falls out!"

Hmm. That sounds EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. Almost like someone is just reaching into a bag of sentences and putting them together.

Now I am curious.

The Vancouver Sun says the same thing as the first one, which came from Astrology.com and I see why: The Vancouver Sun's horoscopes are taken from Astrology.com. No imagination there.

Elle magazine has this to say about my day:

"Whose side are you on anyway, Sagittarius? Remaining 'Switzerland' on matters is not a winning strategy for you today. Show your allegiance to the people who have been there for you through thick and thin. While you can privately disagree with them, in the public, it's essential that you show a unified front. Your willingness to take a stand on matters might not make you the most popular person out there, but it WILL earn you everyone's respect." 

Now I am confused. Am I supposed to give myself space, break a few rules, or take a stand? Maybe I am supposed to combine all of these to make a 'real' horoscope, like this:

"People may drive you absolutely nuts today -- so make sure that you're giving yourself the space to escape when you need it. Break a few rules and put a few noses out of joint today; your willingness to take a stand on matters might not make you the most popular person out there, but it WILL earn you everyone's respect."

#nailedit